Wednesday, December 29, 2004

2004: The Year That Was

In two days time, year 2004 will be but a history. A thing of the past with all the memories – the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly – some vague, some vivid.

2004 has been a very tough year for me. The saddest year I could ever recall in my life. To calendar, 2004 filled my year with a cheerless valentine, an arduous holy week, a depressing birthday (my most miserable birthday – ever!), a confusing All Soul’s Day, and a not so merry Christmas.

Before anything could get worst than these, I am so excited to see the end of 2004!

Whilst 2004 is my saddest year, I could not deny the fact that from it, I learned valuable things as well. I learned how deeply loved and cherished I am by the important and worthy people in my life, people that truly mattered most. Although at times, I find myself guilty of taking them for granted.

Thank you… So many people, so many thanks to say.

I would like to thank my friends who have been very supportive and caring. They never got tired of listening to my repetitive stories of despair, confusion and insecurities. Some of them sent me notes, cards, even poems, hugs and kisses as well. I may have not been a very good recipient of their kind intentions, but they understood. They stayed and never left me.

To my mother, who cried with me in my lonely nights. She was always there for me. Although I knew that she did not approve of him much, she never said anything. I felt her efforts in trying to love and accept him … all because I loved him. And now that he’s gone – Never did I hear her say “I told you so…” or anything of the sort. And for this, I am ever grateful for her compassionate understanding.

To my father, who was just silent all the while, but I know he cares. In his silent ways, he showed me his care, his concern and his love. I could not have asked for more.

To my little sister, albeit too young to understand anything about love, still tried her best to cheer me up. Despite her young age, she managed to give me strength when I needed it. My little sweet but tough angel she is.

To the one who broke my heart, I thank him still. For those memories, for the laughter and even for the tears. For his coming in to my life – even for a borrowed period of time. At some point, I’d like to believe he loved me as well. Someday soon, all my feelings will fade but at least for once I knew they existed. They were genuine, sincere and true.

To myself. For having gone through all of these. For being brave enough to keep my sanity. For being strong enough to be honest to myself, in my admittance of being weak. For being humble enough to accept and endure the pain. Thus, making me now a wiser and perhaps, better person. Moving on is hard, but I’m certain I will soon emerge to be more than a survivor.

To my God, for everything; for making this happen. I don’t know why this happened, but I know this is part of His enormous plan for me. In the future, I will someday come to see the whole picture and will finally appreciate this, as a part of the greater scheme of things. He is the true love of my soul. And His faithfulness in my life endures forever. I know He has prepared something far better for me, and He will give it to me in His time.

2004, adieu to you! Despite the obscurity, I thank you as well. Along with the tears came all these gifts.

To be honest, I still am unsure as what the future awaits. I even do not feel anything at all with the coming of the New Year. Jaded am I not. It is just that it’s still too early for me to tell. It’s like trying to look for my reflection beneath the murky waters. Nonetheless, as long as I have these important people, whom I call now as my “gifts” in my life, I know everything will be well.

Farewell 2004, hello 2005!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Coming Out of the Rain

Have you ever been in love? Have you given your wholehearted love… only to be forsaken?

Never have I felt so in love in my whole life. He had a way of making everything sunny and gay. Even the dullest color shine anew. He was the only man who brought out my inner child. Amidst the stress and anxieties, everything seemed bearable. With my myriad of tasks, challenges and expectations I sometimes find myself all so weary trying to act strong and independent. But not when I was with him. With him, I can allow myself to be weak. He was the silver lining behind my dark gray clouds. Though the blusters of trouble winds come my way, I felt safe because he was my shelter of strength. My knight in shining armor he was.

Yes, he is my first love. And this is the first time my heart is ever broken.

Six months passed… I have successfully veiled myself from the pain. I hid into the cave of denial. But moving on feels difficult. Not only when I come face to face with my true feelings and embrace the pain will I find complete healing. So once and for all, let me release all the pent up sentiments I have long been trying to deny.

How deeply I loved him, is how deeply I am in pain right now. Betrayal and Rejection. Their stings cut right through the inner core of my heart. And oh, how they haunt me like shadows by the mid-day sun. The agony of knowing that he betrayed my trust and rejected my love is too much to bear. The feeling of helplessness is so strong, dampening my spirits. It hurts that he is happy with someone else, but it hurts even more that he is unhappy with me.

Loneliness and despair accompany me every waking moment. It truly pains to feel un-cherished. Unwanted. The anguish so excruciating a suffering, that death is sometimes more humane than to live on without him. I can do nothing but cry. I cried my heart out until no tears would fall. My eyes stopped crying but my heart weeps on.

How I wish I’d get mad so that forgetting him would be easier. But no matter how I try, I feel not even an inch of anger nor resentment towards him. I cannot bring myself to hate him. I choose not to. And I’m glad that I harbor no bitterness in me.

But I cannot stay forever in the pit. The sun will not stop on shining, even if I feel like my world is crashing. The stars will still shine, and even sing every night. The environment will not adjust to me. Family and friends may understand, they may even sympathize, but only for a while. I still have a life to live.

I have been told, “heartbreaks last as long and cut as deep as one allows them to go”. Therefore, I have a choice. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. No matter how painful this is, it can never kill me. But it can in fact work for my own advantage if I just allow myself.

They say, everything has its purpose. And for this? This is no mere accident. I am banking on the hope and faith that something greater awaits me. Sadly enough, he’s just not part of that bigger plan.

How long will I withhold myself from that better future? Only when I am ready, only when I have moved on, will I have that realized. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’s unworthy of my love. I’m now more afraid of making a mistake of preventing the right guy for me to come into my life because of my fixation in making this wrong guy right for me.

I have held on. I have suffered enough. I think it’s about time…Time for me to go out, enjoy the sun and smell the flowers.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Letters

Last week I watched the film, "The Notebook". My friends have all recommended this movie to me. But I refused to watch it. From the time I broke up with my ex, I stopped watching love stories nor listening to love songs. However my sister brought home a DVD and convinced me to watch it, telling me that the film will not remind me of my past. It will infact, encourage me to move on. And so I did...

It was a good movie. SO moving that it provided a good inspiration for me. If there was the notebook to document their story, so that the girl would not forget their love. The movie prompted me to cull my letters... my un-replied love letters (or emails). Reading them over again, showed how pathetic I was... or am. Hoping against hope for an unrequited love.

It opened my eyes. They say letting go is an art. It takes a special skill to do that. Given enough space and time... Yes, I think I'll learn to develop this. Afterall, to love... is to let go.

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Sent: Monday, April 19, 2004 10:08 AM
Subject: just my thoughts


Dear Baby,

Please spare me a little of your time to express unspoken words last night. My intention is not to influence your decision but just to let these rantings off my mind.

I am sorry for everything. I know it is me who rocked the boat. I have triggerred everything that led us here. I am truly deeply sorry. One flaw that I have is that I am fickle minded. I may look decided on a certain thing and then later on change my mind.

I took a great risk when I asked for us to take a break before. I knew I would later regret it. But I took it anyway because somehow I took it as a test for you. But at the back of my mind I was hoping you would say "No". And yes you did. I was kind of relieved. Because if decided na jud ko, I will break it off with you despite of you say no.... but I stayed not because you wanted me to ... but more on because I also wanted to.

Yes, I may not be treated as the most treasured girlfriend in the world - but I'm happy. As I've told you before even of other guys give me roses, I'd still choose your weed of grass. In fairness to my ex, he worshipped me. He pampered me with everything. But I was not happy. I forced myself to love him back... but I can't. I made myself believe that I love him. For a time I believed but I got tired of acting. He has been very good to me. But his efforts were futile.

With you it's completely the opposite. Despite of everything, I am still here - stubborn as a wild grass. There may be times that I wanted to run away from you and find the kind of love I feel I truly deserve. But why do I keep on coming back? My head says go, but my heart says no. The dictate of my heart is longing you still, despite of the frustrations and everything. I have never been this happy and complete in my life before. There's this special kind of happiness that i find in you, that I cannot find in someone else. I do not know if you know this, but even just one glance at your face; one look in your eyes - you never fail to make

I admit last night was a surprise to me. But I believe it was an answered prayer. Before I talked to you, I knelt on the floor and I prayed to God for a sign. I asked God to seal and finalize His will for us. But I was not prepared for it... Then came the 3 proposals (option A - we end it; option B - we continue; option C- we buy some time). Indeed, it was a realization of my prayers. I believe in miracles... Do you? =)

I leave all the decisions to you. I am constantly praying for God to grant you wisdom and discernment. May He speak to us through the decision you will be making. Whatever decision you make - I will humbly submit. Your final decision will define our destiny...

If Option A : we start forgetting each other's love, and try to seek love in someone else. We separate as good friends. And be happy with the arms of someone else. Building a future, a family, a home with someone else. No regrets.

If Option B : we start rebuilding the foundation of our love. Despite the troubles, pains and tests that may come our way - we will fight tooth and nail for it. Will never give up. Will start believing in our love for each other. And this time it will be for sure that this love will be for keeps. Raising beautiful children, living together in love - forever. No regrets.

Option C?... No more option C anymore.

Think about it. Do not think about me. Do not think about what other people will say. Not even of what you feel. Think of what God is telling you. Think long and hard enough. Do not worry God is with you. He will guide you. I will be praying for you as well. I believe that in God's grace, you will be making the right decision.

God bless you.

I love you...

With all of me,
Rhyanne

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Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2004 7:41 PM
Subject: ponders of my heart


Hi!

I know you are in your planning somewhere there in Cebu to which you have no access of any emails at all... By this time I expect that you have already told me of your decision. It may be no use at all to write this email... but allow me to express all the feelings boiling inside me. I have no outlet, no one to talk to regarding my problem. I'm afraid (or ashamed) to talk to my friends, my officemates, even my mother. I have been keeping this for myself for quite so long now that I feel so burdened. Please note that I am not nagging you nor am I blaming you. I just need to pour out my emotion.

By the time you read this, we may or we may not be a couple anymore ... but for sure we will still be friends =) I am the kind of friend who shares her problems - but without requiring the other party to response. Just be listening is a big help already...

One week and four days have passed... I still have no idea of his decision. It's like a mental torture figuring out what his decision will be. As the days are postponed... so are my anxieties extended. It's like getting into a deep dark tunnel not knowing where the other end is.

Making do with what I have right now. I am left with contextual clues and other implications. Well, he still calls me "baby" so I guess, I still have a special spot in his heart. Despite his busy planning sked he tries to text. I guess he still thinks about me... But one painful fact remains. He stopped telling me, "I love you"... He probably must have stopped loving me. But in fairness, I appreciate his honesty so much. At least he's giving me this enough clue.

As a defense, I try to hold back my emotion and be indifferent. Yes, I am lying to myself but it's the only way for me to survive. It's my coping mechanism, "you don't love me, then I don't love you too.". This mindset makes me feel that I am not being rejected. And in this four days of waiting I have mastered the art of chaining my feelings and hiding them in a locker - never to be heard and felt by my heart. Sometimes, as a replacement it's the bitterness and insecurities that set in. It's bad I know that's why I am trying to sweep them away as well.

I don't know what to feel, think, and expect. Though I want to hope... I am afraid of getting hurt. And if I let go this early, I might eventually loose it - when if fact there's a chance afterall? Difficult. So difficult...

Has he made a final decision already? Why is he having a damn hard time deciding? Is he aware of what it is doing to me? Does he love? Does he love me not? Do I still have a place in my heart? Am I still part of his plans? Who am I in his heart? Did he ever loved me, in the first place? If not, then what was his intention? Questions, and more questions...Only he can tell. In time, I may know them or not at all... The important thing is that he'd be honest to himself. I hope that whatever decision he will tell me (whenever will be) it will be for love. It's either he'll choose to stay because he love me, or he'll choose to leave because he loves me not.

I am not selfish to keep something that isn't mine in the first place. It's not self sacrifice either... It's just called, "love". The good thing here is that I am now ready to let him go - if it means his happiness. No more tears this time. Because I'll be happy for his happiness.

Haaaay! In the meantime I have to wait.... this is the more difficult part to wait... I hope he'd be kind enough to reveal to me his plans so that I don't have to suffer any longer.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 9:09 AM
Subject: Questions


Since Friday 3:00 AM, I discovered why. I then realized and understood everything.

From time to time questions would pop into my mind. But I just shove them off. I don't want to entertain them, I don't want to delve on them. It's enough that I know the truth. But why? Why? I was faithful to you. I never cheated on you - not even thought nor wished nor imagined that I would be with other men. You were my world. I loved you with all my heart. Never kitang sinaktan. Never kitang pinahirapan. Never kitang pina-iyak. I looked after for your interest. I looked after for your happiness.

I trusted you 100%. I had high expectations of you. I never imagined that you would do this to me. I thought you're a guy I could trust. I thought you'd never cheat. You were once in my place - you know how it feels. But why are you doing this to me? Why are you making me pay for Lea's mistakes? Why do you hate me this much to let me suffer this much? If you are mad because of what she did, do not put that revenge on me because I am not her.

But at least, one of us was faithful and true in the relationship.


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Sent: Thursday, May 20, 2004 2:25 PM
Subject: thank you note for you =)


Hi!

Musta na you? =)

I know... common sense tells me not to email you personal and sentimental stuff, specially about matters relating about how I feel for you. I mean, where's my pride? ... But I just want to express my heartfelt thanks...

Actually, I am fine. Surpisingly, I feel no bitterness inside. Yet I cannot deny that sometimes I still think about you. Like now. The very thing why I am emailing you now is because I cannot concentrate on my work. Hopefully after I'm over and done with this, I could now finally WORK. Note that I am not blaming you for what I am, or what I feel. I believe I am accountable for my own feelings. It's my decision afterall. =)

Reading through this (email below) again, I just realized that you've made your decision already. You made the decision long before - but you did not just tell me. You should have told me earlier and I should have set you free long before. If you just told me earlier, you should not have sufferred long enough.

It hurts that your hapiness belongs to someone else... but it hurts even more that you are unhappy with me. I am sorry. I did not know. Sorry for making you unhappy. Sorry for being so selfish in loving you. Sorry for the pain I have given you. Sorry for clipping your wings. But you have to suffer no more now. =) You're free to celebrate your love for her out in the open.

But if there is one thing I would like to ask for you now, that would be friendship. You were, you are, and will be a special part of me. There are times I wish I'd be mad at you. This way, I'd automatically forget everything about you. However, I am not. Nevertheless, I am thankful still that I harbor no ill-feelings nor bitterness inside. I do not cry anymore. But how I wish could, so that I could release all the memories together with my tears.

Admittedly, I gave my 101% love and trust in you. But now looking back, I have no regrets. We may have not have a "happy ever after" ending, but at least there was a "once upon a time"... And that is enough for me already. To have you for a borrowed time - one year, to be exact - is more I than what could ask for.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you for showing me how it is to love. I never expected that I could be capable of giving this kind of love to anybody... But you surprised me. And it feels good. Despite the heartaches - I am still thankful. Because for once in my life I have loved. That in my life's journey I have truly fallen in love - this alone makes my life complete. I call this a gift - because of its rarity. This kind of love does not happen everyday. At least I have found it, though only for a stolen moment. Thank you.

Like you once told me, everything has its purpose. God willed for us to meet for a reason. I think my purpose in your life is to teach you about love and how to treat women. It's not about changing your attitude towards women ... but just shifting your perspective on them. I hope I taught you well, in the same way that you taught me. The love I found (and lost) is something I will treasure forever.

As we go on our separate ways, I wish you well. I wish you all the happiness and love that you are searching for. May she give you the love that you need. IT may be her, or it may be not...But I truly wish that you someday experience the fullness and joy of the love I once found in you. Do not allow this experience to harden your heart. Rather, use it for you to become more senstive and aware. Invest a great deal of time and energy in your relationships. Lasting relationships don't just happen. They are created.

Just remember that I am always here for you. You can call, text or email me for anything you need.

Thanks,

Rhyanne =)

ps --- don't worry, I'll try my best to make this my last sentimental email. I know that somehow you don't want me to be sad. Don't worry, I'm trying my best to move on. And I am moving on ...

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-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 5:16 PM
To: BarbieQ (E-mail)
Subject: RE: My Prayer for You


Part of my letting go and moving on process means I have to delete this email for good .... I've got nothing to hold on to anymore... I used to say that prayer before - everyday. I prayed for you and asked God to make you the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. But seem that God did not grant my prayers. Neverthless, I thank Him still. I feel sad that I am not the woman for you. But who am I to question Him? God's perspective is wider and deeper than mine. He has other plans for you and for me and I am certain it's something wonderful. And so I just have to let go of my will and trust Him. His will be done.

But I have to confess that the hope was still there. Under the guise of friendship, I was hoping you'd someday realize that it's me that you love. On several occassions, I was so tempted to win you back. I thought I'll fight the good fight if I could just change your mind. But then again, she's the one you love. She's the one that makes you happy. It's hopeless. I'm in the battle alone. She's got you on her camp. She's got you. I only have your memories. God has a way of telling me that your love is not mine to keep. SO now, I am raising the white flag. I'm in this battle alone.

6 months has passed since I set you free. But deep inside my heart you were never really free. But now, I am setting you free - for good. No turning back. No hopes, no expectations. And for me to do that, I'll take a momentary rest on our "friendship". Our recent exchanges of text messages have rekindled old flames. I don't want this feeling. I'm just hurting myself knowing that what I feel is unrequited. More so, I really want to finally move on. I realized I still have a life to live. I should be opening myself to other men. But I cannot do that unless I let you go. Now, I'm finally taking my steps in letting you go...

Thanks, though for the happy memories. You've given me a kind of happiness that I haven't experienced before. It was good, while it lasted. I'll treasure them in my heart. =) Thank you for coming into my life. All the emotions will hopefully soon fade. But in this brief moment of being with you, I know for sure that what feel for you is real. What I said and did are genuine. I will not cry because our love ended. I will smile, because it happened - long time ago....

Take care my friend. I will be back... after I'm done sorting my feelings and accepting the truth. Don't worry, I'll try my best to speed up my recovery. I know that somehow you want me to move on as well. I'm now looking forward for the day to come that I could get back to you and face you as a FRIEND in the truest sense of the word - no malice, no romatic attachments, no hopes, no expectations.


rhyanne

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 9:08 PM
To: BABY (E-mail)
Subject: My Prayer for You


Sugarlips,

I miss you very much!!!! That it has prompted me to read and say the prayer I made for you.... Allow me to email this to you, so that the void that I feel in my heart will hopefully disappear...

You take care my handsome!!!!

mwah! mwah! mwah!

(ps. the radio is playing our song!!!!)

===============================================================

Dear God,

he's so far away...
You know how much I love XXXX; you know how much I miss him.
There is this heart-breaking vacancy within me about him sometimes.
Lord, make my man vivid to me again -- his voice, his face, the touch of his hands.
And, oh God, wherever he is, make me vivid to him.
Keep him faithful to me; don't let him grow cold and indifferent.
Keep his love warm and vital too.

We are facing a long distance, God.
Please give us strength, give us courage.
We won't have each other to talk to at the day's end.
We can't comfort each other.
We can't hold each other when we are sick or tired --
or filled with passion and joy.

I can already feel the alarm just for his physical safety.
I can already feel the loneliness aching within me.
Yet now, for now, dear God, let me thank You for the time we have had together.
For the help we have been to each other,
the lessons we've learned from each other,
for the memories that will fortify us in the time ahead.
Most specially for our beautiful future together.

Bless him out there alone Keep him safe, oh God, protect him.)
And bless me as I struggle along on familiar ground.
Don't let us feel sorry for ourselves.
Help us to remember that you brought us together,
And will soon bring us close to each other.
And that meanwhile we can always talk to You and
Receive strength for this long separation.

Thank you for blessing my life with Neil.
He's one of the greatest gifts I have received from you.
I love him... Bless him and keep him safe ... always...

Rhyanne

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Boy Meets Girl

(Excerpts from Josh Hariss's Book)


"If you're single, I believe that God wants you to see that your story has begun. Life doesn't start when you find a spouse. Marriage is wonderful, but it's simply a new chapter in life. Its just a new way to do what we're created to do --- to live for and glorify our Creator.

Right now God is working all the elements of your life together for your good (Romans 8:28). This time in your life is part of your story. Maybe it's not what you had planned. Maybe you wish your Prince or Princess would have arrived now. But God is right on schedule. He knows exactly what's He's doing. He hasn't overlooked you. The circumstances you're going through---no matter how difficult---are part of the very happy ending He has planned.

Trust God's sovereignty. He sees your end and your beginning. His plan for your life can't be thwarted. He is in control. Trust God's wisdom. If marriage is His will for you, He knows exactly what you need in a spouse. And in His unfathomable wisdom, He knows when you'll be ready. His timing will be perfect. Trust God's love. Hasn't He given His very life to save you from sin? Hasn't He demonstrated His love on the cross? Then He can provide for your lesser needs too. Even your present trials are part of His loving plan for you. And whatever God has in store for tomorrow will be another expression of His love.

The Creator of romance, the Maker who arranged the first "boy meets girl" in the Garden so very long ago, is still at work."

MY REFLECTIONS

Let go and let God. I have a matchmaker. I have lifted my wounded heart for His healing. And as Christ nurses my broken heart, I rest in His peace and love. Rest. A calming, relaxing one.

Momentarily, I declare a "man-fast"... A time to be alone. A time to be with myself. A time to be with the people that truly love and care for me - my family and friends. A time to get closer with God. A time to make myself productive. A time for me to explore new hieghts and soar even higher....

It feels good. Because I know I am at peace. Deep in my heart lies hope, love, and faith.

Friday, October 15, 2004

A Year After

Today marks my one year as RCSE in CDO. Can't believe how time flies so fast!

A year ago, I was still some kinda naive, sweet and bubbly lady who took the RCSE position for North Mindanao, more for personal reasons than professional. I was adviced that my request for transfer can be a career suicide as compared to the more lucrative opportunities the head office can offer. But I still took that leap of faith.

Here, I was exposed to a lot of things. Circumstances, environment and challenges (work related and personal) have molded me into becoming the person I am right now. I have pioneered a number of initiatives. I have trained a lot of people - and sometimes I discipled them (and even fired some). I have developed several processes and structures to better our systems. I have faced lots of issues and problems too.

Some people said I have changed. And I believe they are correct. Yes, I have indeed changed. I can now be feiry, assertive and forceful.... Nevertheless, I have maintained to be sweet and bubbly. Naive? - Naaah, I have matured. I can say I am wiser and stronger than ever before. And yes, I know I have changed - for the better.

This is just one year. Can't wait to look forward to what's in store for me in the next chapter ahead. But it's not all about work. Would like to see myself developing more of my personal side as well. And in time, I know I will get there... God will lead me there .... having a family with 3 kids and a dog, living in a country-home inspired house, with a wide grassy lawn surrounded with white picket fences! =)

Sunday, October 10, 2004

On This Sunday Afternoon

It is supposed to be a very busy Sunday afternoon for me. I have a Monday deadline to beat - which, Oh! by the way is tomorrow. This leaves me with only 17 hours left to finish my report. However, I feel my internal and emotional systems are not cooperating! Instead of beating the white horse, I feel oh so lazy!

I think I got to unwind a little before I get on to my business. That's why I'm here. I have not updated my blog in weeks, since I never had the time to do so. But I just realized, I will never have the time if I won't take the time.

So many things have happened. Much more on my emotional recovery. I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. No, we haven't gotten back. And no, I have not found someone new. Nada! But am now singing a different tune. I prefer to write about it some other time.

Meanwhile, let me share to you what I really want to do at this very hour. I want to lie in bed and read Michelle Hammond's books. Oh, wait I just borrowed a couple of DVD's. Mmmmm, watching movies sounds pretty relaxing too! And here's my stomach grumbling, reminding me that I am hungry. Lemme see, I think I want to eat sundae or Mango crepe or any ice cream. Aahhh, what a life!

In the meantime, let me make do with what I have. Got to get back to my work now. Got to smile. That's the art of positive thinking. And yes, I'm going to have a one fun Sunday afternoon! =)

Monday, September 13, 2004

The Awakening

One sweet love, shattered, broken, died… An awakening from a deep slumber. What was supposedly a beautiful dream has now become a painful reality. A love that was once blind can now see…Setting my heart free.

Our love – beautiful, rare and true… or so it seemed… already died. Time for me to let go.Time for me to move on. Miss him, I will. But now, he’s a remnant of the past.

As I gaze upon the horizon’s hue, I reminisce the past. Funny thing is I look back now and smile instead of cry; laugh instead of scream; remember instead of regret. And for the rest of my days I will smile upon these thoughts for I know that it was not done in vain – but in love.

Yes, I’m back … and home, finally.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I'm Back

After a month of silence … I’m back! Just came right from the airport from our Makati, head office. Stayed there for two months for a special project. Now after faithfully and, I’d like to say, successfully finishing my mission there – I’m back.

Back there in our head office, I lived a balanced life. Meaning, I had the best and the worst moments in my work life so far. The best part was my first few weeks of stay there. We were in a training-seminar environment, so the mood was kinda laid back and relaxed. Nevertheless that month of breather was instantly equalized for the succeeding two months… the hell-months, as I would describe it. We were burning the midnight candles working until 3:00-6:00 in the morning, weekends included. More than anything else, beyond the business excellence training; above the new systems training, it was a patience training for me. But I survived the chase and now, I’m back.

Yes, I’m back. Back here with my local sales team. Back here in my desk - facing a mountain-load of promotions than needs to be reviewed, implemented and improved. Back here in my area – handling a myriad of tasks and challenges – including the resignation of one of my assistants. In the meantime, will be filling that gap until I find a suitable replacement. Back here in my network with 300++ unread emails. I’m definitely back.

I’m finally back in my home sweet home. I can’t wait to be with my father and sister when I go home tonight after my dinner meeting. Would love to hear what news they have for me when I go home. Can’t wait to spend time with them again. I missed my family so much. To be with them again – talking, laughing, arguing, doing silly stuff … Aaaahhh, feels good to be back!

I’m back with my friends. We have been exchanging text messages and emails regarding my arrival, planning on trips, girl’s night outs, and other escapades. Will be meeting them on Friday. I’m excited to hear about their the latest scoops and gossips. I’d be thrilled to go man-hunting with my other single friends… Hmmmm, sounds fun to be back?

Oh no, I’m back! I’d be facing the reality of being back… now without him. I was very thankful for my stint in Makati. I was immediately transported to a new location, with no whatsoever memories to remind me of him. I was provided with a different environment to muse over my attention. I was surrounded with several associates – old and new alike – that has given me a fresh milieu to divert my thoughts away from the pain and confusion. The hectic schedule provided a welcome respite for me to veer my thoughts away from him… But now I’m back.

Funny … or should I say, sadly, how one man has depopulated my world. It feels miserable going back, knowing that a significant part of me has gone. It feels lonely. Empty. I feel a void in me, coming back. If only there’s an opportunity for me extend my stay in Makati – I would. But there is none. Now, I am forced to come to terms with reality. I can’t forever run away from it. Sooner or later I'd have to face it. But the time for me to face is now. Sigh, I’m back.

I may be back physically in my hometown but the real Rhyanne hasn’t… And she’s not yet even home – still. Let time be my healer. Let God be my strength. I am praying for the time to come where I will just look back into this and smile instead of cry, laugh instead of scream, remember instead of ask… Until then can I say that I’m back and I’m finally – home.


Saturday, July 10, 2004

The End

Two weeks passed and still no word from him. Called him once, twice, thrice … a hundred times – still no answer.

We were friends back in college. He was our senior university president, while I was a wide-eyed eager sophomore representative. Popular, athletic, handsome, he typified every woman’s dream leading man. And yes, he lived a storybook life with a dream leading lady as well. Smart, profound, eloquent, I was a figure of an ideal dean’s-lister, a clean-cut straight A’s student. We belonged to the same college. We joined the same organization. We were just friends.

Those past two weeks were a living torture for me. Friends have been counseling me to move ahead. What he did was evident - no need for a conclusive end, so they said. But I’m the one living my life. I know what’s best for me. I need a formal closure… an ending more decent than this. I need to hear his voice for the last time. I need to hear him say, “goodbye”. His voice. Him.

“Hi Rhy, I’m in Manila. Want to meet up?” Came the very first words he told me – three years after we last saw each other.

I had no plans in meeting him. I was consumed with my work. But at the last minute I changed my mind. We met in Greenbelt. Had coffee and hopped on some bars to dance the night away. We had fun..

“Ummm,Rhy? Can I see you again tomorrow?” he asked.

“hmmm… OK. Good night.” I said.

This was how it all began.


How I’d wish he’d answer my call. I want to talk to him, not to spite him, nor to ask why, and not even to implore him for his apologies. I want to talk to him because I want to hear him seal the end of us. I want to talk to him not to win him back. I just want to wish him happiness and love. I want to talk to him to hear his voice … for the last time.

A month after we became a couple. It was fast I’d say. But I knew him since college. Suffice it to say, our times spent together have given me enough comprehension about him, his personality, his being. I never had any attraction whatsoever way back in college. But, the more I got to know him the more I was drawn to him. Our weekend getaways, phones calls, emails have a way of making my once mundane life interesting. He has a way of painting the skies bluer, coloring the sun brighter, making the moon more beautiful, and rendering the blows of the winds more melodious.

He’s the first person I think of when I wake up, and the last person I’d think about before I sleep. I have fallen for him. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Yes, I love him.


Where could he be? Why wouldn’t he answer my calls? And more importantly, who is she? When I received his message intended for his “hon”, I was crushed. I was shocked. I never imagined he would be capable of doing this to me. Not him. Not to me.
I did my best in making our relationship work. Never did I demand for anything from him. Never did I rant on anything to him. Never did I make him cry. I was faithful and true to him. Never did I lay my eyes nor entertain any idea of being with another man, besides him. He was my world. My everything.

Months passed … He has changed. I have felt that he’s not as sweet and romantic as he used to be. Ahhhh, it’s because of his work. He could be busy and pre-occupied. He is a very driven man with fervent passion for excellence. I must support him. Rhyanne, don’t demand for his time. Rhyanne, don’t complain if doesn’t call – even if he promised that he would. Rhyanne, don’t disturb him.

But what about me? What about Rhyanne? I feel like I’m in this relationship alone. Nevertheless, I still love him. Paradoxical but true. There are times I wish to flee from him. My head says “go” but my heart “no”. There’s something in him that perplexes me, makes me weak, makes me defy my logical self.

In spite of this all, he never fails to make me feel special and loved. I have come to accept his love and whatever he has to give not on my own terms but his. Not on my own idea of love but his.

Is this what they call as the selfless love? At last, I have felt it. Despite the confusion and sometimes the pain … It feels good. It feels warm. It feels Love.


I can accept that it is now over between us. What I cannot accept is how we ended. I’d like to believe that what we shared was something special. And it needs a far more respectable ending than this. He may have moved on in the arms of another woman. But I cannot continue with my life – with unresolved issues buried in my past, more so in my present.

I need to face this and end it with finality. And only will I have it until I talk to him. Might try another call… And Lord, please make him answer this. Please?

Ring….. Ring…. Ring…

Silence. I can feel his presence at the other end of the line. But there was total silence.

“Hi! How are you?” I said, trying to break the ice.

“ Fine.” He said. “And you?”

“I think I am also fine.” I replied.

Silence.

I gathered enough courage to ask him straight out… “Who is hon? Is it who I think she is?”

“Yes.” He answered.

I should have known… I’m so stupid to let their friendship be. I’m so stupid trusting in him. I knew I couldn’t somehow trust her but him… Never expected he’d do this.

“Why? … Where did I go wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. You were perfect. Everything I asked for in a woman, I saw in you. All the qualities I am looking for in a woman – is in you. We could have been the perfect couple.” He explained.

Could? … My knees were quivering.

“If you say that I am perfect for you, why are you letting me go?” I asked.

He replied, “I don’t know Baby. I don’t know. I guess I feel that I am not worthy of your love. What I am giving you is not adequate with what you are giving me. I feel I have shortchanged you. Baby, there are far more better men than me, who’s far more worthy of your love…. Who could make you happier.”

Mustering enough courage, “Who are you to dictate my happiness?” I asked. “When both you and I know for a fact that it is you who’s making me happy right now. That man you’re saying is you… He could be you.”

Tyring to explain, he said “I tried but I just can’t. I always end up hurting you. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want you to be happy.”

I felt a knife stabbing my heart. I felt my heart bleeding profusely.

“No. this is not the point.” Calmly, I explained to him, “The point here is that you do not love me. You cannot give me the love you think I deserve because deep down in your heart there’s no love for you to give me, to begin with.”

Holding back my tears, I gathered my composure telling him, “How I wish I knew her secret to your heart. How I wish I am her. But then again you wouldn’t love her because she’s me. I’ll just let her be. I wish to hate her but I cannot. She’s the one who makes you happy. Instead I’ll support her.”

Silence.

“Goodbye, Baby….And for the last time, I love you, and again I say, I love you.” I said with held-back tears rolling down my cheeks as I hung up the phone.


It’s over.

This is our story.

The end.






Monday, June 28, 2004

25

One score and five years… A quarter of a century... Twenty-five... 25.

For some reason, this number holds a special significance, hallmarking an achievement of time. Distinctive anniversaries are celebrated in the attainment of this epoch. The “ruby anniversary”, so they say. It exemplifies how one prevailed the test of time.

For most people, the age 25 gesticulates the dawn of maturity. It holds the portal to adulthood. By this time, it is expected that one capable of making solid and mature decisions. That with the passing of time, one has endured the trials and learned from it; He has conquered adequate achievements to make him strive for more; He has made some mistakes to make him humble enough. He has gathered enough experience to him make wise.

May 30, 2004 – marked the 25th year of my life.

How time flies so fast. It seemed like it was yesterday that I cried when my mother dropped me off on my first day in nursery… Off I went to college and graduated with flying colors. Now I’m a Sales Executive in an international consumer goods company. It was not so long ago, so it seems, that I used to content myself playing with my dolls. Now, I’m busy fantasizing about my dream house and asking myself if I could ever have a family of my own: a husband to be devoted to and kids to love, in this lifetime?

Still, I am happy that I have reached this stage. I have so much to be grateful for in my life… So much, that I can’t thank God enough. As I reflect upon my life’s journey, I have seen His signature inscripted in every phase of my life. From the expansive facet down to the most intricate detail, God hand exquisitely wove every thread, every fiber of my LIFE.

I have had several victories. From them I have learned to set my goals higher. I have learned that excellence is something I can achieve, and I should always bear – whatever task there is. Mediocrity is something to be precluded. God is always by my side to give me the strength and the power to win.

Along my journey, I have stumbled several times. Sometimes I fell on soft grounds, sometimes on rocky grounds. But no matter how big or small the stubble is each stumbling spot is precious. Yes, they hurt so much. Every time I bleed the wounds leave a mark. Each scar has its own unique story to tell. They remind me of the precariousness of life and how feeble I am. On my own, I can do nothing. But I have managed to rise. God gave me the humility to face my weaknesses and accept them. He has provided me with enough confidence as well to change whatever things I can still change in me.

The experiences I had – the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly – have enriched me. I am what I am because of what I have experienced. The past has taught me that life is indeed unfair, but God is good. I can’t have it all, but God gives me what I exactly need.

What might have been “chances” in my life are certainly God-engineered circumstances. God has been with me all through these years, and He will remain to be at my side in the next years to come. Victory, happiness and more blessings I claim!

Next year I will be 26, then 27, 28, 29, 30 and so on…I might be able to reach until 100? Who knows? … But I’ll never be young again. I pass this stage only once. And so for this year, I declare that it will be great! Because I am 25.

On Bended Knee

(my brokenheart's prayer)

Dear God,

I feel so bad. Truly, deeply hurt. But I know this is for my own good. I thank you, God, for protecting me. I admit there are things that I want so badly, yet they might not do good to me. Thank you for veering me away from it.

Even if it feels painful, I know you are protecting me from a far deeper pain that I might feel in the future. This situation also reminds me of a much greater plan You have in-store for me - than what I am wishing for right now. Yet, despite this mindset I cannot deny the sadness in my heart.

Please bring me comfort. Help me to always look at what what I am bound to receive, than what I have just lost. Let me see things at a bigger perspective - in line with Your will for me.

Amen.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

A Peek Into the Rose-Colored Glass

Hi! Have a seat and make yourself comfortable.... Here, have a glass of Lemonade.

Welcome, friend, into my personal page. If you have accessed this through my invitation, consider yourself part of the privilege few. If ever you just came here by chance, consider your self .... lucky? Hehehe =)

You have just entered into a different and unique dimension. A realm of a deeper perspective of me. An aperture of my soul; the orifice of my heart. This is my vent for voicing my opinions, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams. Things about myself and the world around me that I'd like to share and publicize.

Will be posting an entry or two, once in a while. Anecdotes, personal views, anything in my world. I'm sharing it with you. Here's a peek into my rose-colored glass. Hopefully, by unveiling a part of me I'd be able to move, inspire, motivate and even perhaps help you. That at least in my own little way I have touched someone. This is the difference I want to make.

Thank you, friend, for dropping by. Feel free to visit me here from time to time!

Friday, June 25, 2004

Testing 123 ...

Yay!

Finally, an on-line journal site for me. Now, I can have a spot where I can post my views and opinions about myself and the world around me. As for my old-fashioned diary - will still keep it with me. I could not afford to let it go. It's where the reccesses of my most intimate thoughts thrive.

I love to write. Writing is my source of discernment. It provides me way of understanding things and situations - why it is, how it is, and most importantly how to face them. Most of my exquisitely made writings are done out from my lowest moments. Writing is my way of coping. Writing keeps me alive. Writing keeps me sane.