Saturday, July 10, 2004

The End

Two weeks passed and still no word from him. Called him once, twice, thrice … a hundred times – still no answer.

We were friends back in college. He was our senior university president, while I was a wide-eyed eager sophomore representative. Popular, athletic, handsome, he typified every woman’s dream leading man. And yes, he lived a storybook life with a dream leading lady as well. Smart, profound, eloquent, I was a figure of an ideal dean’s-lister, a clean-cut straight A’s student. We belonged to the same college. We joined the same organization. We were just friends.

Those past two weeks were a living torture for me. Friends have been counseling me to move ahead. What he did was evident - no need for a conclusive end, so they said. But I’m the one living my life. I know what’s best for me. I need a formal closure… an ending more decent than this. I need to hear his voice for the last time. I need to hear him say, “goodbye”. His voice. Him.

“Hi Rhy, I’m in Manila. Want to meet up?” Came the very first words he told me – three years after we last saw each other.

I had no plans in meeting him. I was consumed with my work. But at the last minute I changed my mind. We met in Greenbelt. Had coffee and hopped on some bars to dance the night away. We had fun..

“Ummm,Rhy? Can I see you again tomorrow?” he asked.

“hmmm… OK. Good night.” I said.

This was how it all began.


How I’d wish he’d answer my call. I want to talk to him, not to spite him, nor to ask why, and not even to implore him for his apologies. I want to talk to him because I want to hear him seal the end of us. I want to talk to him not to win him back. I just want to wish him happiness and love. I want to talk to him to hear his voice … for the last time.

A month after we became a couple. It was fast I’d say. But I knew him since college. Suffice it to say, our times spent together have given me enough comprehension about him, his personality, his being. I never had any attraction whatsoever way back in college. But, the more I got to know him the more I was drawn to him. Our weekend getaways, phones calls, emails have a way of making my once mundane life interesting. He has a way of painting the skies bluer, coloring the sun brighter, making the moon more beautiful, and rendering the blows of the winds more melodious.

He’s the first person I think of when I wake up, and the last person I’d think about before I sleep. I have fallen for him. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Yes, I love him.


Where could he be? Why wouldn’t he answer my calls? And more importantly, who is she? When I received his message intended for his “hon”, I was crushed. I was shocked. I never imagined he would be capable of doing this to me. Not him. Not to me.
I did my best in making our relationship work. Never did I demand for anything from him. Never did I rant on anything to him. Never did I make him cry. I was faithful and true to him. Never did I lay my eyes nor entertain any idea of being with another man, besides him. He was my world. My everything.

Months passed … He has changed. I have felt that he’s not as sweet and romantic as he used to be. Ahhhh, it’s because of his work. He could be busy and pre-occupied. He is a very driven man with fervent passion for excellence. I must support him. Rhyanne, don’t demand for his time. Rhyanne, don’t complain if doesn’t call – even if he promised that he would. Rhyanne, don’t disturb him.

But what about me? What about Rhyanne? I feel like I’m in this relationship alone. Nevertheless, I still love him. Paradoxical but true. There are times I wish to flee from him. My head says “go” but my heart “no”. There’s something in him that perplexes me, makes me weak, makes me defy my logical self.

In spite of this all, he never fails to make me feel special and loved. I have come to accept his love and whatever he has to give not on my own terms but his. Not on my own idea of love but his.

Is this what they call as the selfless love? At last, I have felt it. Despite the confusion and sometimes the pain … It feels good. It feels warm. It feels Love.


I can accept that it is now over between us. What I cannot accept is how we ended. I’d like to believe that what we shared was something special. And it needs a far more respectable ending than this. He may have moved on in the arms of another woman. But I cannot continue with my life – with unresolved issues buried in my past, more so in my present.

I need to face this and end it with finality. And only will I have it until I talk to him. Might try another call… And Lord, please make him answer this. Please?

Ring….. Ring…. Ring…

Silence. I can feel his presence at the other end of the line. But there was total silence.

“Hi! How are you?” I said, trying to break the ice.

“ Fine.” He said. “And you?”

“I think I am also fine.” I replied.

Silence.

I gathered enough courage to ask him straight out… “Who is hon? Is it who I think she is?”

“Yes.” He answered.

I should have known… I’m so stupid to let their friendship be. I’m so stupid trusting in him. I knew I couldn’t somehow trust her but him… Never expected he’d do this.

“Why? … Where did I go wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. You were perfect. Everything I asked for in a woman, I saw in you. All the qualities I am looking for in a woman – is in you. We could have been the perfect couple.” He explained.

Could? … My knees were quivering.

“If you say that I am perfect for you, why are you letting me go?” I asked.

He replied, “I don’t know Baby. I don’t know. I guess I feel that I am not worthy of your love. What I am giving you is not adequate with what you are giving me. I feel I have shortchanged you. Baby, there are far more better men than me, who’s far more worthy of your love…. Who could make you happier.”

Mustering enough courage, “Who are you to dictate my happiness?” I asked. “When both you and I know for a fact that it is you who’s making me happy right now. That man you’re saying is you… He could be you.”

Tyring to explain, he said “I tried but I just can’t. I always end up hurting you. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want you to be happy.”

I felt a knife stabbing my heart. I felt my heart bleeding profusely.

“No. this is not the point.” Calmly, I explained to him, “The point here is that you do not love me. You cannot give me the love you think I deserve because deep down in your heart there’s no love for you to give me, to begin with.”

Holding back my tears, I gathered my composure telling him, “How I wish I knew her secret to your heart. How I wish I am her. But then again you wouldn’t love her because she’s me. I’ll just let her be. I wish to hate her but I cannot. She’s the one who makes you happy. Instead I’ll support her.”

Silence.

“Goodbye, Baby….And for the last time, I love you, and again I say, I love you.” I said with held-back tears rolling down my cheeks as I hung up the phone.


It’s over.

This is our story.

The end.






6 comments:

BabyPink said...

aaah! classic typical ass-hole, that guy is! sorry, rhy!:)

kittin said...

i feel somehow responsible for this! argH! i could actually remember the words i told you before, "give him a second chance, but not a third"..

how i wish that that second chance never happened... at least, the pain could have been lesser...

but nevertheless, you're right! "its the end!" and this end should be "the end" in its truest sense. This movie has no part 2 (i mean 3)!

let go... there's no need for answers to your whys... no need to resolve issues... it's closed!!

easier said than done, but i know, you'll get by... hang on. believe in love. it's the lover you have lost, not love..

Pie said...

hi rhy! be strong. all these happen for a reason. been there myself, you know that. but every pain is worth every strength gained and every lesson learned from the experience, pound for pound. Am sure, you find yourself asking, would it still be worth loving the next time?

The answer would be a resounding YES! But only time and your willingness (and courage) to move on, let go and heal can tell if you'll be ready to take risks again.

Love isnt love without pain, ironic isnt it? but that's the way life is. and that exactly what makes it beautiful and worth living.

u take care angel rhy!!! God bless!!

Anonymous said...

heart breaks last as long and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heart breaks, but how to learn from them. Acceptance plays a part. Focus on working on the problem, rather than denying and resisting it

Anonymous said...

No matter how many times you've fallen in love and if it's always with the wrong guy, expect that you'll end up hurt and unhappy. However, no matter how painful pain is, always remember that it won't kill you. Pain, if you allow it, can even make you stronger and make you appreciate more happy moments in your life. No matter how hopeless your life seem at this moment, GOD will ensure, in His own time, that a ray of light will break through the empty darkness surrounding you. Believe that GOD's hand is at work and He will never, for a moment, abandon you. . . I'm here too as always! =)

Anonymous said...

God has beeter plans for you and I guess he is not part
of it or maybe not ready yet for now. Who knows?
Just TRUST the LOrd! He is our creator and HE knows
what is best for us.

I love you my princess, more than life itself...How I wish to ask God to make me bear your hurts but then it would not be wise because it is you that God wants to grow for much better life ahead of you......

Mama