Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Letters

Last week I watched the film, "The Notebook". My friends have all recommended this movie to me. But I refused to watch it. From the time I broke up with my ex, I stopped watching love stories nor listening to love songs. However my sister brought home a DVD and convinced me to watch it, telling me that the film will not remind me of my past. It will infact, encourage me to move on. And so I did...

It was a good movie. SO moving that it provided a good inspiration for me. If there was the notebook to document their story, so that the girl would not forget their love. The movie prompted me to cull my letters... my un-replied love letters (or emails). Reading them over again, showed how pathetic I was... or am. Hoping against hope for an unrequited love.

It opened my eyes. They say letting go is an art. It takes a special skill to do that. Given enough space and time... Yes, I think I'll learn to develop this. Afterall, to love... is to let go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Monday, April 19, 2004 10:08 AM
Subject: just my thoughts


Dear Baby,

Please spare me a little of your time to express unspoken words last night. My intention is not to influence your decision but just to let these rantings off my mind.

I am sorry for everything. I know it is me who rocked the boat. I have triggerred everything that led us here. I am truly deeply sorry. One flaw that I have is that I am fickle minded. I may look decided on a certain thing and then later on change my mind.

I took a great risk when I asked for us to take a break before. I knew I would later regret it. But I took it anyway because somehow I took it as a test for you. But at the back of my mind I was hoping you would say "No". And yes you did. I was kind of relieved. Because if decided na jud ko, I will break it off with you despite of you say no.... but I stayed not because you wanted me to ... but more on because I also wanted to.

Yes, I may not be treated as the most treasured girlfriend in the world - but I'm happy. As I've told you before even of other guys give me roses, I'd still choose your weed of grass. In fairness to my ex, he worshipped me. He pampered me with everything. But I was not happy. I forced myself to love him back... but I can't. I made myself believe that I love him. For a time I believed but I got tired of acting. He has been very good to me. But his efforts were futile.

With you it's completely the opposite. Despite of everything, I am still here - stubborn as a wild grass. There may be times that I wanted to run away from you and find the kind of love I feel I truly deserve. But why do I keep on coming back? My head says go, but my heart says no. The dictate of my heart is longing you still, despite of the frustrations and everything. I have never been this happy and complete in my life before. There's this special kind of happiness that i find in you, that I cannot find in someone else. I do not know if you know this, but even just one glance at your face; one look in your eyes - you never fail to make

I admit last night was a surprise to me. But I believe it was an answered prayer. Before I talked to you, I knelt on the floor and I prayed to God for a sign. I asked God to seal and finalize His will for us. But I was not prepared for it... Then came the 3 proposals (option A - we end it; option B - we continue; option C- we buy some time). Indeed, it was a realization of my prayers. I believe in miracles... Do you? =)

I leave all the decisions to you. I am constantly praying for God to grant you wisdom and discernment. May He speak to us through the decision you will be making. Whatever decision you make - I will humbly submit. Your final decision will define our destiny...

If Option A : we start forgetting each other's love, and try to seek love in someone else. We separate as good friends. And be happy with the arms of someone else. Building a future, a family, a home with someone else. No regrets.

If Option B : we start rebuilding the foundation of our love. Despite the troubles, pains and tests that may come our way - we will fight tooth and nail for it. Will never give up. Will start believing in our love for each other. And this time it will be for sure that this love will be for keeps. Raising beautiful children, living together in love - forever. No regrets.

Option C?... No more option C anymore.

Think about it. Do not think about me. Do not think about what other people will say. Not even of what you feel. Think of what God is telling you. Think long and hard enough. Do not worry God is with you. He will guide you. I will be praying for you as well. I believe that in God's grace, you will be making the right decision.

God bless you.

I love you...

With all of me,
Rhyanne

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2004 7:41 PM
Subject: ponders of my heart


Hi!

I know you are in your planning somewhere there in Cebu to which you have no access of any emails at all... By this time I expect that you have already told me of your decision. It may be no use at all to write this email... but allow me to express all the feelings boiling inside me. I have no outlet, no one to talk to regarding my problem. I'm afraid (or ashamed) to talk to my friends, my officemates, even my mother. I have been keeping this for myself for quite so long now that I feel so burdened. Please note that I am not nagging you nor am I blaming you. I just need to pour out my emotion.

By the time you read this, we may or we may not be a couple anymore ... but for sure we will still be friends =) I am the kind of friend who shares her problems - but without requiring the other party to response. Just be listening is a big help already...

One week and four days have passed... I still have no idea of his decision. It's like a mental torture figuring out what his decision will be. As the days are postponed... so are my anxieties extended. It's like getting into a deep dark tunnel not knowing where the other end is.

Making do with what I have right now. I am left with contextual clues and other implications. Well, he still calls me "baby" so I guess, I still have a special spot in his heart. Despite his busy planning sked he tries to text. I guess he still thinks about me... But one painful fact remains. He stopped telling me, "I love you"... He probably must have stopped loving me. But in fairness, I appreciate his honesty so much. At least he's giving me this enough clue.

As a defense, I try to hold back my emotion and be indifferent. Yes, I am lying to myself but it's the only way for me to survive. It's my coping mechanism, "you don't love me, then I don't love you too.". This mindset makes me feel that I am not being rejected. And in this four days of waiting I have mastered the art of chaining my feelings and hiding them in a locker - never to be heard and felt by my heart. Sometimes, as a replacement it's the bitterness and insecurities that set in. It's bad I know that's why I am trying to sweep them away as well.

I don't know what to feel, think, and expect. Though I want to hope... I am afraid of getting hurt. And if I let go this early, I might eventually loose it - when if fact there's a chance afterall? Difficult. So difficult...

Has he made a final decision already? Why is he having a damn hard time deciding? Is he aware of what it is doing to me? Does he love? Does he love me not? Do I still have a place in my heart? Am I still part of his plans? Who am I in his heart? Did he ever loved me, in the first place? If not, then what was his intention? Questions, and more questions...Only he can tell. In time, I may know them or not at all... The important thing is that he'd be honest to himself. I hope that whatever decision he will tell me (whenever will be) it will be for love. It's either he'll choose to stay because he love me, or he'll choose to leave because he loves me not.

I am not selfish to keep something that isn't mine in the first place. It's not self sacrifice either... It's just called, "love". The good thing here is that I am now ready to let him go - if it means his happiness. No more tears this time. Because I'll be happy for his happiness.

Haaaay! In the meantime I have to wait.... this is the more difficult part to wait... I hope he'd be kind enough to reveal to me his plans so that I don't have to suffer any longer.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Monday, May 03, 2004 9:09 AM
Subject: Questions


Since Friday 3:00 AM, I discovered why. I then realized and understood everything.

From time to time questions would pop into my mind. But I just shove them off. I don't want to entertain them, I don't want to delve on them. It's enough that I know the truth. But why? Why? I was faithful to you. I never cheated on you - not even thought nor wished nor imagined that I would be with other men. You were my world. I loved you with all my heart. Never kitang sinaktan. Never kitang pinahirapan. Never kitang pina-iyak. I looked after for your interest. I looked after for your happiness.

I trusted you 100%. I had high expectations of you. I never imagined that you would do this to me. I thought you're a guy I could trust. I thought you'd never cheat. You were once in my place - you know how it feels. But why are you doing this to me? Why are you making me pay for Lea's mistakes? Why do you hate me this much to let me suffer this much? If you are mad because of what she did, do not put that revenge on me because I am not her.

But at least, one of us was faithful and true in the relationship.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Thursday, May 20, 2004 2:25 PM
Subject: thank you note for you =)


Hi!

Musta na you? =)

I know... common sense tells me not to email you personal and sentimental stuff, specially about matters relating about how I feel for you. I mean, where's my pride? ... But I just want to express my heartfelt thanks...

Actually, I am fine. Surpisingly, I feel no bitterness inside. Yet I cannot deny that sometimes I still think about you. Like now. The very thing why I am emailing you now is because I cannot concentrate on my work. Hopefully after I'm over and done with this, I could now finally WORK. Note that I am not blaming you for what I am, or what I feel. I believe I am accountable for my own feelings. It's my decision afterall. =)

Reading through this (email below) again, I just realized that you've made your decision already. You made the decision long before - but you did not just tell me. You should have told me earlier and I should have set you free long before. If you just told me earlier, you should not have sufferred long enough.

It hurts that your hapiness belongs to someone else... but it hurts even more that you are unhappy with me. I am sorry. I did not know. Sorry for making you unhappy. Sorry for being so selfish in loving you. Sorry for the pain I have given you. Sorry for clipping your wings. But you have to suffer no more now. =) You're free to celebrate your love for her out in the open.

But if there is one thing I would like to ask for you now, that would be friendship. You were, you are, and will be a special part of me. There are times I wish I'd be mad at you. This way, I'd automatically forget everything about you. However, I am not. Nevertheless, I am thankful still that I harbor no ill-feelings nor bitterness inside. I do not cry anymore. But how I wish could, so that I could release all the memories together with my tears.

Admittedly, I gave my 101% love and trust in you. But now looking back, I have no regrets. We may have not have a "happy ever after" ending, but at least there was a "once upon a time"... And that is enough for me already. To have you for a borrowed time - one year, to be exact - is more I than what could ask for.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you for showing me how it is to love. I never expected that I could be capable of giving this kind of love to anybody... But you surprised me. And it feels good. Despite the heartaches - I am still thankful. Because for once in my life I have loved. That in my life's journey I have truly fallen in love - this alone makes my life complete. I call this a gift - because of its rarity. This kind of love does not happen everyday. At least I have found it, though only for a stolen moment. Thank you.

Like you once told me, everything has its purpose. God willed for us to meet for a reason. I think my purpose in your life is to teach you about love and how to treat women. It's not about changing your attitude towards women ... but just shifting your perspective on them. I hope I taught you well, in the same way that you taught me. The love I found (and lost) is something I will treasure forever.

As we go on our separate ways, I wish you well. I wish you all the happiness and love that you are searching for. May she give you the love that you need. IT may be her, or it may be not...But I truly wish that you someday experience the fullness and joy of the love I once found in you. Do not allow this experience to harden your heart. Rather, use it for you to become more senstive and aware. Invest a great deal of time and energy in your relationships. Lasting relationships don't just happen. They are created.

Just remember that I am always here for you. You can call, text or email me for anything you need.

Thanks,

Rhyanne =)

ps --- don't worry, I'll try my best to make this my last sentimental email. I know that somehow you don't want me to be sad. Don't worry, I'm trying my best to move on. And I am moving on ...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 5:16 PM
To: BarbieQ (E-mail)
Subject: RE: My Prayer for You


Part of my letting go and moving on process means I have to delete this email for good .... I've got nothing to hold on to anymore... I used to say that prayer before - everyday. I prayed for you and asked God to make you the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. But seem that God did not grant my prayers. Neverthless, I thank Him still. I feel sad that I am not the woman for you. But who am I to question Him? God's perspective is wider and deeper than mine. He has other plans for you and for me and I am certain it's something wonderful. And so I just have to let go of my will and trust Him. His will be done.

But I have to confess that the hope was still there. Under the guise of friendship, I was hoping you'd someday realize that it's me that you love. On several occassions, I was so tempted to win you back. I thought I'll fight the good fight if I could just change your mind. But then again, she's the one you love. She's the one that makes you happy. It's hopeless. I'm in the battle alone. She's got you on her camp. She's got you. I only have your memories. God has a way of telling me that your love is not mine to keep. SO now, I am raising the white flag. I'm in this battle alone.

6 months has passed since I set you free. But deep inside my heart you were never really free. But now, I am setting you free - for good. No turning back. No hopes, no expectations. And for me to do that, I'll take a momentary rest on our "friendship". Our recent exchanges of text messages have rekindled old flames. I don't want this feeling. I'm just hurting myself knowing that what I feel is unrequited. More so, I really want to finally move on. I realized I still have a life to live. I should be opening myself to other men. But I cannot do that unless I let you go. Now, I'm finally taking my steps in letting you go...

Thanks, though for the happy memories. You've given me a kind of happiness that I haven't experienced before. It was good, while it lasted. I'll treasure them in my heart. =) Thank you for coming into my life. All the emotions will hopefully soon fade. But in this brief moment of being with you, I know for sure that what feel for you is real. What I said and did are genuine. I will not cry because our love ended. I will smile, because it happened - long time ago....

Take care my friend. I will be back... after I'm done sorting my feelings and accepting the truth. Don't worry, I'll try my best to speed up my recovery. I know that somehow you want me to move on as well. I'm now looking forward for the day to come that I could get back to you and face you as a FRIEND in the truest sense of the word - no malice, no romatic attachments, no hopes, no expectations.


rhyanne

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 9:08 PM
To: BABY (E-mail)
Subject: My Prayer for You


Sugarlips,

I miss you very much!!!! That it has prompted me to read and say the prayer I made for you.... Allow me to email this to you, so that the void that I feel in my heart will hopefully disappear...

You take care my handsome!!!!

mwah! mwah! mwah!

(ps. the radio is playing our song!!!!)

===============================================================

Dear God,

he's so far away...
You know how much I love XXXX; you know how much I miss him.
There is this heart-breaking vacancy within me about him sometimes.
Lord, make my man vivid to me again -- his voice, his face, the touch of his hands.
And, oh God, wherever he is, make me vivid to him.
Keep him faithful to me; don't let him grow cold and indifferent.
Keep his love warm and vital too.

We are facing a long distance, God.
Please give us strength, give us courage.
We won't have each other to talk to at the day's end.
We can't comfort each other.
We can't hold each other when we are sick or tired --
or filled with passion and joy.

I can already feel the alarm just for his physical safety.
I can already feel the loneliness aching within me.
Yet now, for now, dear God, let me thank You for the time we have had together.
For the help we have been to each other,
the lessons we've learned from each other,
for the memories that will fortify us in the time ahead.
Most specially for our beautiful future together.

Bless him out there alone Keep him safe, oh God, protect him.)
And bless me as I struggle along on familiar ground.
Don't let us feel sorry for ourselves.
Help us to remember that you brought us together,
And will soon bring us close to each other.
And that meanwhile we can always talk to You and
Receive strength for this long separation.

Thank you for blessing my life with Neil.
He's one of the greatest gifts I have received from you.
I love him... Bless him and keep him safe ... always...

Rhyanne