Wednesday, December 29, 2004

2004: The Year That Was

In two days time, year 2004 will be but a history. A thing of the past with all the memories – the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly – some vague, some vivid.

2004 has been a very tough year for me. The saddest year I could ever recall in my life. To calendar, 2004 filled my year with a cheerless valentine, an arduous holy week, a depressing birthday (my most miserable birthday – ever!), a confusing All Soul’s Day, and a not so merry Christmas.

Before anything could get worst than these, I am so excited to see the end of 2004!

Whilst 2004 is my saddest year, I could not deny the fact that from it, I learned valuable things as well. I learned how deeply loved and cherished I am by the important and worthy people in my life, people that truly mattered most. Although at times, I find myself guilty of taking them for granted.

Thank you… So many people, so many thanks to say.

I would like to thank my friends who have been very supportive and caring. They never got tired of listening to my repetitive stories of despair, confusion and insecurities. Some of them sent me notes, cards, even poems, hugs and kisses as well. I may have not been a very good recipient of their kind intentions, but they understood. They stayed and never left me.

To my mother, who cried with me in my lonely nights. She was always there for me. Although I knew that she did not approve of him much, she never said anything. I felt her efforts in trying to love and accept him … all because I loved him. And now that he’s gone – Never did I hear her say “I told you so…” or anything of the sort. And for this, I am ever grateful for her compassionate understanding.

To my father, who was just silent all the while, but I know he cares. In his silent ways, he showed me his care, his concern and his love. I could not have asked for more.

To my little sister, albeit too young to understand anything about love, still tried her best to cheer me up. Despite her young age, she managed to give me strength when I needed it. My little sweet but tough angel she is.

To the one who broke my heart, I thank him still. For those memories, for the laughter and even for the tears. For his coming in to my life – even for a borrowed period of time. At some point, I’d like to believe he loved me as well. Someday soon, all my feelings will fade but at least for once I knew they existed. They were genuine, sincere and true.

To myself. For having gone through all of these. For being brave enough to keep my sanity. For being strong enough to be honest to myself, in my admittance of being weak. For being humble enough to accept and endure the pain. Thus, making me now a wiser and perhaps, better person. Moving on is hard, but I’m certain I will soon emerge to be more than a survivor.

To my God, for everything; for making this happen. I don’t know why this happened, but I know this is part of His enormous plan for me. In the future, I will someday come to see the whole picture and will finally appreciate this, as a part of the greater scheme of things. He is the true love of my soul. And His faithfulness in my life endures forever. I know He has prepared something far better for me, and He will give it to me in His time.

2004, adieu to you! Despite the obscurity, I thank you as well. Along with the tears came all these gifts.

To be honest, I still am unsure as what the future awaits. I even do not feel anything at all with the coming of the New Year. Jaded am I not. It is just that it’s still too early for me to tell. It’s like trying to look for my reflection beneath the murky waters. Nonetheless, as long as I have these important people, whom I call now as my “gifts” in my life, I know everything will be well.

Farewell 2004, hello 2005!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Coming Out of the Rain

Have you ever been in love? Have you given your wholehearted love… only to be forsaken?

Never have I felt so in love in my whole life. He had a way of making everything sunny and gay. Even the dullest color shine anew. He was the only man who brought out my inner child. Amidst the stress and anxieties, everything seemed bearable. With my myriad of tasks, challenges and expectations I sometimes find myself all so weary trying to act strong and independent. But not when I was with him. With him, I can allow myself to be weak. He was the silver lining behind my dark gray clouds. Though the blusters of trouble winds come my way, I felt safe because he was my shelter of strength. My knight in shining armor he was.

Yes, he is my first love. And this is the first time my heart is ever broken.

Six months passed… I have successfully veiled myself from the pain. I hid into the cave of denial. But moving on feels difficult. Not only when I come face to face with my true feelings and embrace the pain will I find complete healing. So once and for all, let me release all the pent up sentiments I have long been trying to deny.

How deeply I loved him, is how deeply I am in pain right now. Betrayal and Rejection. Their stings cut right through the inner core of my heart. And oh, how they haunt me like shadows by the mid-day sun. The agony of knowing that he betrayed my trust and rejected my love is too much to bear. The feeling of helplessness is so strong, dampening my spirits. It hurts that he is happy with someone else, but it hurts even more that he is unhappy with me.

Loneliness and despair accompany me every waking moment. It truly pains to feel un-cherished. Unwanted. The anguish so excruciating a suffering, that death is sometimes more humane than to live on without him. I can do nothing but cry. I cried my heart out until no tears would fall. My eyes stopped crying but my heart weeps on.

How I wish I’d get mad so that forgetting him would be easier. But no matter how I try, I feel not even an inch of anger nor resentment towards him. I cannot bring myself to hate him. I choose not to. And I’m glad that I harbor no bitterness in me.

But I cannot stay forever in the pit. The sun will not stop on shining, even if I feel like my world is crashing. The stars will still shine, and even sing every night. The environment will not adjust to me. Family and friends may understand, they may even sympathize, but only for a while. I still have a life to live.

I have been told, “heartbreaks last as long and cut as deep as one allows them to go”. Therefore, I have a choice. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. No matter how painful this is, it can never kill me. But it can in fact work for my own advantage if I just allow myself.

They say, everything has its purpose. And for this? This is no mere accident. I am banking on the hope and faith that something greater awaits me. Sadly enough, he’s just not part of that bigger plan.

How long will I withhold myself from that better future? Only when I am ready, only when I have moved on, will I have that realized. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’s unworthy of my love. I’m now more afraid of making a mistake of preventing the right guy for me to come into my life because of my fixation in making this wrong guy right for me.

I have held on. I have suffered enough. I think it’s about time…Time for me to go out, enjoy the sun and smell the flowers.