Thursday, December 02, 2004

Coming Out of the Rain

Have you ever been in love? Have you given your wholehearted love… only to be forsaken?

Never have I felt so in love in my whole life. He had a way of making everything sunny and gay. Even the dullest color shine anew. He was the only man who brought out my inner child. Amidst the stress and anxieties, everything seemed bearable. With my myriad of tasks, challenges and expectations I sometimes find myself all so weary trying to act strong and independent. But not when I was with him. With him, I can allow myself to be weak. He was the silver lining behind my dark gray clouds. Though the blusters of trouble winds come my way, I felt safe because he was my shelter of strength. My knight in shining armor he was.

Yes, he is my first love. And this is the first time my heart is ever broken.

Six months passed… I have successfully veiled myself from the pain. I hid into the cave of denial. But moving on feels difficult. Not only when I come face to face with my true feelings and embrace the pain will I find complete healing. So once and for all, let me release all the pent up sentiments I have long been trying to deny.

How deeply I loved him, is how deeply I am in pain right now. Betrayal and Rejection. Their stings cut right through the inner core of my heart. And oh, how they haunt me like shadows by the mid-day sun. The agony of knowing that he betrayed my trust and rejected my love is too much to bear. The feeling of helplessness is so strong, dampening my spirits. It hurts that he is happy with someone else, but it hurts even more that he is unhappy with me.

Loneliness and despair accompany me every waking moment. It truly pains to feel un-cherished. Unwanted. The anguish so excruciating a suffering, that death is sometimes more humane than to live on without him. I can do nothing but cry. I cried my heart out until no tears would fall. My eyes stopped crying but my heart weeps on.

How I wish I’d get mad so that forgetting him would be easier. But no matter how I try, I feel not even an inch of anger nor resentment towards him. I cannot bring myself to hate him. I choose not to. And I’m glad that I harbor no bitterness in me.

But I cannot stay forever in the pit. The sun will not stop on shining, even if I feel like my world is crashing. The stars will still shine, and even sing every night. The environment will not adjust to me. Family and friends may understand, they may even sympathize, but only for a while. I still have a life to live.

I have been told, “heartbreaks last as long and cut as deep as one allows them to go”. Therefore, I have a choice. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. No matter how painful this is, it can never kill me. But it can in fact work for my own advantage if I just allow myself.

They say, everything has its purpose. And for this? This is no mere accident. I am banking on the hope and faith that something greater awaits me. Sadly enough, he’s just not part of that bigger plan.

How long will I withhold myself from that better future? Only when I am ready, only when I have moved on, will I have that realized. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’s unworthy of my love. I’m now more afraid of making a mistake of preventing the right guy for me to come into my life because of my fixation in making this wrong guy right for me.

I have held on. I have suffered enough. I think it’s about time…Time for me to go out, enjoy the sun and smell the flowers.


BabyPink said...

yes, ithink it's time you really moved on. you've been love sick for too long.:)

ANNA said...

hi rhyanne, anna here from zamboanga (AYLC/SSEAYP). i saw your blog thru a link in pie's blog. grabe, i read all your posts at naiyak ako kanina pa! sobrang nakakarelate ako at naiinspire ako sa mga sinabi mo. been long since we've heard updates from each other and it's nice hearing something from you through your blog. i hope we'd have the chance to meet next time, you take care always and enjoy the holidays! God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Rhyanne,=)

Tumindig balahibo ko ah.. habang binabasa ko ito..

Believe me.. i know how you feel.... i've felt these feelings too not so long ago.. i placed those in red na ang feeling ko na i have no regrets in undertaking it.. ang sakit talaga rhy sa umpisa pero in time makikita mo, looking back into what you have experienced.. you will realize that everything has a purpose.. I will be praying for you that in time, you will find the man who is worthy of your love - a man who you will love and will love you as much in return..

Tama yun mga sinabi mo... you've suffered enough and now its about time.. come out of the rain Rhyanne my friend and enjoy the sun and smell the flowers.

Merry Christmas!

Neko Tye =^^= said...

Love sucks. I hate it and everything that comes with it. I think the world would be better off if only certain people reproduced , so we would have retards and serial killers and rapists and the such...but thats just me. Thanks for posting on my Blog , Im new to this blogging stuff.