Monday, December 26, 2005

Home for the Holidays


family pic
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.
I am home for the holidays. It has been a week since I took my vacation leave from work. What a life! Waking up late, eating home-cooked meals, spending time with my family, catching up with my friends… Wish I could do this everyday… And so I spoil myself with all these “feel good” moments - while I still can.

The latest buzz I gathered here in my hometown -

**************

Around ¾ of my batch in high school is married. The remaining bunch is still with no significant romantic partners. For the unmarried ones, a little pressure is felt. But hey, we have our own different callings and different timings in life. I find relief knowing that I’m going back to Manila – where there are more single unattached women my age – just like me. Hahaha! Misery loves company!

**************

Mama is busy with her preparations for her upcoming seminar on “The Purpose and Power of a Woman”. She will be conducting a free seminar for the Ladies Ministry in the church. And did I mention how happy she is that I’m home? I am her designated assistant, critic, editor, graphic consultant, and listener - all for the labor of love. But I find it a great privilege to assist her. I have learned something new. I have expanded my horizons.

Mama is quite stressed on this lately. Take it easy ma, everything will turn out fine! I’m here for you.

**************

My sister is love struck. She’s 15. She thinks she is in love.

She is now entrapped in her own world. She’d go to a corner – stare at the ceiling and smile. She is elated knowing that she has a mutual understanding with her crush. Without her articulating it to me, I can sense that she is now thinking of eternity – a happy ever after romance with this boy.

Part of me is excited for her. Another part of me does not want to encourage her though.

Looking through the sparkle in her eyes and the twitch of her smile, she reminds me of myself five years back. I can vividly recall the butterflies in my stomach, the feeling of walking on cloud nine, the wave of excitement even by just mere ring on the phone. All these things she’s going through right now – I felt it once before.

But how can I tell her that what she feels now is not real? That it shall someday come to pass? And on its end, it will sting her? Oh, how I want to shield her from the eventual pain. How I want her to snatch her away from the situation of great expectations with zero realizations.

I deem that telling her upfront would be ill appreciated. Her adolescent mind and her teenage heart will never understand the counsels of her loveless and boyless older sister. Spoiling her dreamland would only negate her from opening up with me. I would never want this to happen.

My sister. Now 15. My baby has grown up, near to become a lady. Gone are the days when she used to sit by my side and listen to my stories. She’s got a world of her own now. She has her own her own experiences to go through, her own pains to discover, her own lessons to learn. And amidst through her ventures, it is my duty to let her know that I will always be there for her.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Readers?

How many people know about my blog? I wonder… because as of writing, I have reached 791 visitors. Who could they be?

I could only identify few people whom I have shared access to this blog: my mother, my sister, Pie, Diane, Anna, and my AGM friends. These are the chosen few, who have been given the privilege of my blog invitation.

Well, at first after making my blog and writing my very first entry, I announced it to the world. However, as I wrote one article after another – things became so personal. My blog became a window into the abyss of my emotions and sentiments. I have practically stripped myself from my mask, my inhibitions, my defenses. This is me. My heart. Exposed. Naked and bare.

Now, I wish to limit access to my blog from people who know me – especially in the office. I think I have spoken too much about my (supposed) puppy love life with an ex-officemate.

I have this sweet but tough, serious, mature and no nonsense image in the office. I cannot imagine what implication it will have if they discover this other side of me. For them to know what a hopeless romantic I am; For them to see the vulnerable side of me; For them to journey into my heart. Sometimes I wish I used a code name or something – just so to conceal my identity. Well, here’s wishing that they would not stumble upon this page.

How about family and friends? They are OK. They are the very people who you run to for emotional support and encouragement. They are part of the reasons why I try to frequently update my blog. Because I know that they care about my welfare and at some point, they want to know what’s going on with my life. Plus the fact, that they never fail to give me words of comfort whenever I needed them.

Strangers? Lurkers? Passer Bys? Pretty fine with me. I do not know what brought them here. Fate? But I hope that with my sharing, I could touch and inspire a life. And probably build on new friendships. I have in fact found some new friends through blogging: Ariel and Dindo. Their insights have added new dimensions in my perceptions about life, Jesus and the world we live in. Hope I could do the same to at least one individual in this worldwide web.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Gloomy Day

Gloomy Day

Today, the skies are gray… and so am I.

Attribute this to holiday blues? Chirstmas is in the air. It’s the season to celebrate togetherness, sharing happy moments with loved ones. Inasmuch as I do not want to admit, times like these heighten the need for that special someone – someone to hug me and give me warmth; someone to kiss me under the mistletoe; someone to share this season with.

Nevertheless this is not reason enough for me not to be merry. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not desperate for a special someone (at least, not yet). What I feel is pretty normal for any single person – male or female. And I suppose this is not the main reason why I’m sad.

I was supposed to join a reunion last night. But a series of fortuitous events got in the way. My cousin’s surprise arrival and my sudden tummy trouble prevented me from going. It’s already sad enough that I missed the reunion, but now I think I have a bunch of disappointed people. Who, I fear would carry on that grudge – forever?

I could not blame them. It’s supposed to be our 5th anniversary. But it felt as if I stood them up, with my no-show. I sent out my apologies – but all I got was silence. I ought to feel touched by their reaction. It indicates how they miss my presence and how they really wanted me to be there. Them, I understand. But is it selfish enough for me to ask for a little understanding?

I deem that some might be speculating on the veracity of what I told them. Now, it boils down to the matter of trust. Friendships are tested by time and situations. Five years. Long enough to know a person, but still short enough to predict what he has on his mind. True friends are tested on how they respond to situations. Including situations like this.

I am not accusing anyone. I may be wrong – and simply be driven crazy by my paranoia. Neither do I want to escalate things. So I’ll just keep it to myself. But this is how I feel today. Hopefully, just today.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Carrot-On-the Stick No More

I was startled when I heard the news. My "carrot" has left the company, for personal reasons. When I read the email I froze for a while. Staring at my monitor, I tried to digest the news. I could not believe he’s gone. Funny, how he really held his reputation as a man of “unexpected moments”. He caught me by surprise when he held a special spot in my heart. Now he stunned me again when he left. Yes, he held up to his expectations even up to the end.

He showed no signs at all from the last time we saw each other. Or was I blinded then with my preoccupations and paranoia?

A couple of officemates even teased me when they found out. Telling me how such a loss it is. Looking through their eyes, I know what they meant - the loss of potential possibilities. I was taunted by one saying, “Too bad. I think he has a thing for you.”

Not giving in to their jeers, I just smiled. I just allowed them to talk while I patiently listened. Until it came to a point where it made me ask myself, could it be really possible that what they are saying might be true? But nah! I just shrugged my head. How silly of me to entertain such thought. Beside, if by some remote chance that it could be true, will it matter? Will it make any difference? … He’s gone.

Seriously, I consider his leaving as a loss for the company. Putting my infatuation aside, He has a brilliant mind. I admire how he can see through things, dissect the situation and make effective recommendations from thereon. But I think his decision is for his own good. And wherever he is, I wish him well.

Goodbye? Well, he said his goodbye the last time he visited here. And that was his last. Finally, the chase is over. That carrot on the stick is gone. I could now end that dream of reaching for the unreachable.

I believe God has given a certain role for each person that we meet in our lives. That "Carrot" has taught me to open my heart anew. After a very painful breakup, I thought then that I would be incapable of opening my heart. But he took me by surprise and made me realize otherwise. … Unfortunately his role was just to teach. Now that he has completed his role in my life, time for him to leave. With his departure, my only wish is that whatever role I have in his life, I wish I completed it too.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mi Casa

I am a queen, and this is my palace.


Building a home of my own signifies a big step for me. After investing so much and finishing the embellishments, it finally dawned on to me that I am really on my own now. The reality of me leaving my family has finally become so apparent to me. I am now totally free and independent.

Welcome, as I tour you around in my humble abode:

My living room cum bedroom. This futon is a couch by day. Adjust its lever at the back, it converts to a cozy little bed for me at night.




My study lounge. In as much as I do not want to bring my work at home, I can do nothing but at least make it comfortable and relaxing for me. I really searched hard for these dangling flower “curtains”. The windows are wide enough – to give me a good view of city lights at night. But the best part of it is by daybreak, where I can witness the slow sunrise at the crack of dawn. Ahhh… Heavenly!

My Kitchen - just enough for me to prepare my quick meals. No serious cooking here as I usually eat out.


My Bathroom. My beauty bar haven. I have to admit I spend long hours here. On top of my beauty rituals – I always clean it everyday. After every bath, I make sure wipe dry the tiles before going out. This, I would say is the cleanest part of my home.




Having a home of my own is totally fun. I may be alone, but not necessarily lonely.

Monday, November 14, 2005

It's a Home!


With the end in mind of recreating a home for myself, dressing up the place was a serious thing for me. This place is going to be my sanctuary, my escape away from the busy life I live outside.

I want to have a cozy and sassy feel of my place. As the girl that I am, I want a “Rhyanne” ambiance over my place – a territory where I call my own. Mine.

The colors of my walls are a plus thing for me. It inspired me to play around with it. With a mix-match of orange and blue, I selected all furnishings in these colors, plus a tinge of lavender for additional contrast.

Decorating my place was so much fun! Buying my stuffs was equally enjoyable. However, paying my bills is not. But then again, it’s for a reasonable cause. I call this as an investment. The comfort and refuge that my home gives me is priceless.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A place of my own

Aside from toiling over with my new work assignment from my recent transfer, my mind was stressed out as well in finding a place for me to stay. Much of the strain emanates from the pressure of providing myself with a comfortable, cozy and secure place. Not to mention the distance from my place to my office. It has to be somewhere near. Plus, the budget – should be within my pocket’s reach.

I am living all alone and I want to provide for myself a place where I can look forward in going home to. I want to recreate a home, a home of my own. Work is stressful enough in itself. I want to relax and unwind when I go home, a place that will give me a respite after a hard day’s work.

After two weeks of research – internet, newspapers, and even Brokers, I felt disappointed. Not one unit came close to my qualifications. I prayed hard for this. I almost gave up, and I almost compromised my standards. Until one fateful Saturday afternoon, I stumbled to an ad listing on the net. When I went to check out the place, I immediately fell in love with it.

The security is strict - indication of safety. Sanitation is good. Facilities are wonderful. It has a pool and a gym, both free for all tenants. Parking is safe and secured. The unit itself is clean, airy, and spacious enough for me and my things. The windows are big to let ample sunshine in. And the major bonus that kept me hooked was the hue of my unit.

My unit has a Mediterranean tone – painted with a mix of tangerine and royal blue. It looks contemporary, sleek and chic. I can just imagine the final look, when I begin to start embellishing it. It’s definitely going to be one bachelorette’s haven… A place which I will call my own.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My Carrot

Minutes before his arrival, an officemate teased me about his coming. I was left speechless. All these time, I tried to keep everything in oblivion. Thinking that this officemate could just be hoping to fish for something from me, I just gave away a poker face.

Before I stepped into the Conference Room, I made a firm resolve to myself to get real and cast off my childish fancies. Thus, confine all our dealings in business formality. I conditioned myself into thinking that our second meeting will be a mile different from the first. We were a team before – the atmosphere was more or less casual and dynamic. But now, it will be us giving an update report of the project that was left behind to us. And in this case, I respect to conform to the bureaucracy of business milieu.

When he entered the room, I felt all eyes were on me. I think my officemate’s taunt has left me paranoid. To my defense, I tried to ignore him to prevent any contact with him. But he approached me and greeted me in his own savvy manner that made me blush and forget my internal debates. I just turned my head to conceal my fluttered cheeks.

Nothing much happened between us during his visit. He dealt with me in his usual teasing manner. His smile, his voice and his glances still never fail to bring me to cloud nine. Good thing though that I do not have to report to him directly. Thus, limiting our interaction. Thank heavens for that! I spent the last four days trying to keep an arm’s length for the two of us. I tried to make sure that my heavily guarded actions would not betray any of my secret affections.

Nothing dramatic happened when he left. But the gray clouds and the drizzle, reminded me of our last good bye. It brought back our beautiful memories and stirred me with nostalgic sentiment. Still, my heart felt heavy when he left.

I felt sad because I will miss everything about him and what me makes me feel with his presence. I felt sad because of the invisible wall I built, out of propriety and decorum. Could he have noticed my evasions? But I did this because I like him. Not the other way around. I wanted to protect him and myself for any plausible consequence. Could I be giving him wrong messages? I felt sad because I cannot show him what I truly feel towards him. I felt sad because I am yearning for an impossible dream. There is no slight possibility for “us”, I know, but deep in my heart lies a wishful plea… a plea that would never be granted. Like a carrot on a stick, he makes me long for something that which I can never attain.

Yet despite all these sadness, I feel happy. Probably because the reason is him. He gives me more happiness than sadness. Whatever this unexplainable thing that he makes me feel, compensates for any distressing emotions involved. He will always be special in my heart - even without him knowing it... And I'd like to keep it this way.

He may be a carrot, but this one carrot definitely knows how to make me smile.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Here We Go Again

My mind started to labor from day one of my new assignment. Ever since I set my foot on to my work, I subjected myself in deep deliberation, occupying my thoughts on the challenges and opportunities in my new job.

Exciting indeed that I got myself so engrossed with work, that to my delight I ceased to think about how my future love life will unfold, and what a sorry state I am currently in - for the lack it. My wishful reveries have been replaced with ponderous work plans and how I can further improve the whole system. Gone are the days when I would stare at the sky and wonder who and where my future leading man is? Gone are the longings for that desire to be loved and cherished. Gone are the thoughts of insecurities.

For some reason, I feel a newfound power, being single. Happy and free, I can do anything I want, I can go wherever I want, and I am accountable to nobody but myself. I have never felt so “full” and complete. There’s more to life than waiting for Mr. Right, and much more to conquer still… while he hasn’t arrived. And oh, how I want to explore the infinite possibilities of what I can do. I am sassy, single, and satisfied. Yes, I have been carrying this outlook for sometime now. And I am so proud of it.

Then here comes the twist. I found out that “Mr. Unexpected Moments” is coming back here in the Philippines for an update review of the project we did several months back, when we first met. My first reaction, “Ok. No big deal. That was a thing of the past and my girlish fancies over him has died.” … Or so I thought.

Last Friday, a senior officer asked me to call him for a favor… What? Me, call him? Me, ask him a favor?

But a good soldier must do what he’s got to do. And so I called. Lucky, I would say, he was not available at his desk. But I left a message on his voice mail, hopeful that that would suffice to bring my message (errr… request) across. Thank heavens I would not have any encounter with him anymore.

But why am I so jittery about this whole thing? Why does the idea of talking to him frighten me? Why do I again feel weird when I left a message on his voice mail?

The answer was validated when he called me, after receiving my message. Goodness, I miss the sound of his voice, and his way of calling my name brought music to my ears. Listening to him talk, I can somehow feel him smile. It felt good. Warm. Comforting. As I hung the phone, I felt a surge of flush on my cheeks. My eyes glittered with smile.

As I dreamily looked out in the window, I asked Fate if she’s playing a game on me again? I asked Wisdom if she can guide me? I asked Strength if she can help me?

The real test will be when I come to meet him face to face.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Behind My Silence

It has been ages since my last blog. The past weeks have been a quagmire of anxious thoughts and stressful situations. And oh, how I longed to blog them all, for my release. But time was not on my side. Ever since my relocation here in the head office, I have been plunged into a marsh of rat race.

With great power, comes great responsibility. And with great responsibility, comes great pressure as well. Aside from trailblazing on to a new function, I have to compete against time to beat my desired deadline. Work has been my new obsession. I'd think about it from the moment I wake up. I'd bring it with me in the shower. And even when I eat, I'd still think on how I can improve the whole process.

Managing the whole scheme of things, and introducing changes has never been so easy. My first two weeks was cramped on selling the idea and the big picture to everyone here in the office. With this, I faced every speculations, doubts and challenges along the way. There were tearful nights and broken hearts. Sometimes, I feel so discouraged and lost. But I need to show to them that I am strong and that I know what I'm doing.

Some people wanted my position. Well, they can have it for all they want. If only they realize the burden I carry with me. Some say I am too idealistic to introduce such ambitious venture. I'd tell them to give me a try. If only we'd give it a shot. It does not hurt to try.

I am so tempted to give up. But I won't. I shall prove to them that I know what I'm doing and that I am here to stay. I am passionate about what I do, and I give my heart out into shaping things in the way it should be.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Providence

Call it a miracle or at least, providence.

Like a peppermint balm, his email soothed away all my fears. Again, another surprise came to seize my day. I never expected for him to email me. We have lost touch for a quite a while already. But wonders of all wonders, I am so ecstatic that he did! And what he said are the very words I needed to hear. His message has definitely sent me floating in the air.

"Congratulations Rhyanne! I had hoped that something good for you would come of the project and it looks like it has. You have a lot of responsibility to get the plans in order, but I am confident that you are the right person for the job - after all, you have seen the worst it can be so you have a very good idea of what the best should look like! Again, well done Rhyanne, you deserve the step up and I wish you all the best."

Mr. “Unexpected Moments” never fails to give me unexpected pleasant surprises! Yeah, I know it means nothing but a friendly congratulatory note on his part. Yet, I can’t help myself feeling this way. Although trust that I am doing all my best to restrain all these funny feelings inside me. I still am struggling to clearly see things as they are, and not as what I hope nor “feel” them to be. It’s a battle... I will get there eventually.

Argue with myself I may, but I am still glad that he dropped me a note to reassure me that things will be just fine. Perfect timing, indeed. Could this be the makings of God? Could He be using him to tell me His message for me? Wow! What a messenger - a divine providence for the day, enough to make Rhyanne smile.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Leap of Faith

Closing doors. Moving forward. Braving the unknown…

In a few weeks from now I will be saying goodbye to my family, friends and work here in my hometown. A new department in the head office was institutionalized and I am part of those who will be driving it. Hence, the transfer.

Just when things at work are starting to get comfortable, just when I can do things with eyes closed, just when life seems easy and uncomplicated… How I wish I could stay and forever remain this way. But I cannot… I must not.

I think my transfer is just but right on time. Should I prolong my stay, everything will become routinary. Thus, will I content myself with what I now consider mundane activities. The comfort of the old and familiar things will eventually lure me to get myself stuck in mediocrity.

I believe life comes in stages. One must experience the joys and the pains in each of the stages in order for one to grow and to learn. Growth never comes without pain. The path to success is not a walk in the park.

Easier said than done. But aside from the pain of separation, I have to deal with my fears. The fear of the unknown. I have a daunting task at hand. Not to mention, the expectations from other people for me to perform and deliver the desired results.

Anxious and afraid I may be, but I am marching on. Amidst all these hesitations, I know God is with me. He will never leave me. He will supply me with the wisdom and strength that I need. I am ready to take that big leap of faith!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Wedding Tears

I attended a friend’s wedding last week, a wedding so close to my heart because the bride is special to me. Patty and I have been friends since college. I witnessed how her relationship with Nino bloomed from acquaintance, to friends, to special friends, up to more-than-friends.

I gleamed with pride as I saw her outline behind the stained-glass sliding door. My heart skipped a beat when the doors were slowly opened. Patty looked so radiant, as the sun glistened over her white sequined gown. As she walked along the aisle, I cannot contain myself. I never expected to cry.

Tears of joy. Back in our college days, we shared the same dreams of someday marrying the love of our lives, and having a beautiful wedding. In fact, we made a dummy of our respective dream wedding invitations. The whole line up of entourage was complete, except for the groom’s name. Funny how it may seem, but I remember the days when we used to ask each other if there is anything is wrong with us, why we do not have any boyfriend nor even a suitor for that matter? Watching her in her gown as she walked there in the aisle moved me. This is the realization of her dreams. No, much better when we tried to picture it out before. Part of my tear cried for happiness.

Tears of sadness. From hereon, things will change. Once they build their family, her priorities will change. She won’t be as free as she used to be. She will not be that available for a girl’s night out. I felt I lost a friend. Part of my tear cried for this selfish reason.

Tears of fear. Watching Patty as she wedded Nino, made me realize that I have come to this “stage” already. This is my third wedding for the year, and my third wedding reception emcee as well. (I have even memorized the process of the reception already). A realization struck me. My peers are getting married. It is just so glaring this time, because I spent more of my growing up years with Patty, and the comparison so apparent. Where am I? Am I missing the bus already? Part of my tear cried for fear.

Then again, I shook off my internal demons and looked at her. I am much happier than sad or afraid. I am happy because she has married the love of her life. Nino is a good man, and I know he will take good care of her. She is now living her dreams.

As for me, nothing to worry. I am happy still. Every person has his or her own unique story. Mine is different and it will unfold in due time.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Prologue

Days after we parted goodbye, my mind was haunted with “what ifs?”

What if I joined them in Green Hills?

What if I mustered enough courage to flirt?

What if? What if? What if? … An array of questions paraded before my mind whenever I thought of him and the short bittersweet one-sided puppy-love affair I had with him.

As I tried to answer the questions one by one, I came up with a conclusion that no matter what I do – nothing could ever change the fact that we were never (nor ever will be) meant to be. Going out with them for the last time, will never change the reality that I have to go home to CDO and him to Sydney. Flirt as may, it will never change the truth that he would never be able to reciprocate my attraction for him.

Now as I look back, I can fully hold my head high with no regrets. At least I never made a fool of myself. I kept my pride and my dignity. And at least if ever by some infinitesimal chance, he’d think of me – he will remember me as a “fine young girl who was prim and proper – trying her best to make her mark in the midst of global business excellence”.

After everything, I am grateful for the experience. Memories of those unexpected moments will be immortalized with nostalgic happiness and delight.

I believe our meeting was for a reason. His role was to teach me how to open my heart anew. Not necessarily to him, but for that someone special yet to come. After mourning from a not so lovely past, I took a self-shielding stance against love. But this experience has taught me to take aside my fears and inhibitions. It has reminded me how sweet it is to love.

Yes, I am now opening my heart. I am giving love another chance. I am willing to fall in love again. I may not know when it will happen, not even who my leading man will be. But one thing I’m sure, the best is yet to come.

This is just a prologue of my beautiful love story…

Monday, August 08, 2005

Unexpected Moments

It’s always surprising how small a part of life can be illuminated just by a flicker of unexpected simple moments. More often than not, these priceless “moments” are over before they start. Nevertheless, they leave that special mark… Making the person who instigated them – unforgettable.

I just recently arrived from a three-week “mission” for our company. It was a very exciting assignment, and I deem it to be such a privilege to be chosen as part of the core team. Right from the start, I carried on a lot of expectations – the project, the workload, the end result, my teammates, and myself included. At the onset, I psyched myself to be prepared for a very hectic, pressure-laden and argumentative project. And indeed, like pieces of a puzzle, all my expectations fell into place… except for one thing. In the end, I got more than what I hoped for.

From the very first day, I noticed his hair. He is sleek and posh for a guy. His style and the way he exudes himself qualifies him to join the Fab Five of the Queer Eye.

Then we were broken into sub-teams. We belonged to the same triumvirate - him, me and another senior officemate. When initial discussions came, he would not give me any attention at all. I was as invisible as air to him.

“He must be gay.” I concluded.

I have absolutely no problem with it. But what’s troubling me is his utter disregard for me. Oh, how much I do not like him. I wished to be grouped with the other teams, besides him. But no use perturbing myself, I have no other option but to work on with what I’ve got. Him. Not to mention that he is the leader of the entire group. Need to find a way to blend with him, or at least with the group. Nothing I can do about him anymore, but at least there’s something I can do about myself. Even if it means doubling or tripling all my efforts, I will. Nothing, not even his gay prejudices, will stand against my way.

At the first week, it was tough. I had a lot of proving to do. I am the youngest female member of the group. Substantiating myself and earning his attention was quite a feat. Not to mention that I was a tad feeble on the first days since I was recuperating from tummy trouble (a.k.a. food poisoning).

The end of week one came. Suffice it to say, I am proud of the progress I have done so far. I have upgraded myself from air, now to a cloud - already visible to him, but still not solid enough. At least he already acknowledged my existence.

On the second week, I realized that I should not work according to what I think would please him. I was beginning to feel insecure and unhappy. I decided to change strategy and be myself. Just as I have to accept him for what he is, I should accept myself (my accomplishments included) for what I am. I opened myself to look beyond my own preconceptions. Besides, who knows I might just be battling against an imaginary issue, driven by my own insecurities.

So far, it went well. The aloof atmosphere evolved into something light. Beyond acknowledging my existence, I think he now recognized my opinions. Aside from that, we moved up from being mere strangers now to officemates. Yes, good officemates with no imposed boss-to-subordinate relationship. (Although I highly respected him.)

As we got “closer” (for the lack of a better term) I began to learn few things about him. Shame on me for judging him. Talk about prejudice. I was wrong. He’s not gay. He’s a man as he can be… fashionable, yes, but in a manly kind of way.

I learned a lot of things by spending my time with him. From the way he process information, to how he integrates things, down to how he manages his people (aside from me). He’s intelligent at the same time practical and street-smart. And how he can be so cool amid the pressures. (Some have lost their poise and temper) I felt lucky to be grouped with him.

Despite the progress, I felt that something was still wrong. I felt like he sees me as a junior, a kid, his little sister. He would oftentimes joke around and tease me. I must admit that I liked it whenever he would tease me. The way he would look at me, the way he would smile at me with his mischievous smile, and the way he would call my name. He has this unique way of calling my name – which only he can do.

It felt good. Yes. But I need to prove to him that there is much more in me than being young, and that I can do a lot of things. He may be ten years wiser than me, but I am willing to learn. I am here for business and I’m serious in bringing in whatever I can contribute to the group.

Then our last week came. It was show time. Time to present our headline recommendations coming from the review of our project. Amidst the hectic schedule, a thought suddenly dawned unto me that once this is over – I will miss his shenanigans, his teasing smiles, his tantalizing eyes and his way of calling my name.

Darn! I have unconsciously developed certain affection for him. How could I be such a fool? This is totally unthinkable. He may have some sort of fondness for me, but more on towards as a little sister – and nothing more. I need to restrain the butterflies in my stomach from flying. Clip their wings and woosh - kill them fast. I cannot afford to open my heart and be again vulnerable.

I tried hard to avoid him. But fate had its way of defying my will. The clincher was our victory party. We went to a Videoke bar. It was a wonderfully fun party. What made it more special was how we spent the night seated right next to each other – singing, talking, laughing, and teasing each other. Moments shared together are still vivid on my mind. As much as I hated to admit it, I felt good that night.

On the last day, we planned to go Greenhills for their last minute techie (a.k.a gadgets) shopping. But as I was walking to follow them in the lobby, a certain voice deep inside me held me back. I should not go with them anymore. I cannot tolerate creating more moments with him. To him, I am just a mere kid and nothing more. Should I continue liking him, I’ll end up as the poor little girl he left behind…which I am turning out to be at this point.

When I reached the lobby, I saw them getting into the van. I met one of his counterparts and I told him I am not joining them anymore. So he hugged me and we said our goodbyes. Then, I looked at them behind the glass walls of our building, as I waved my hand.

He was seated at the front seat. He put down the windows to tell me to join them. I looked straight into his eyes. “This will be the last time, I will be able to gaze into his blue eyes.” I thought. I waved my hand to indicate my decline. With my wave, my thoughts raced to say, “Tomorrow I will be going back to CDO, and you to Sydney. This is the end of it.” My heart dropped for a second.

Just as the van was about to leave, he went down. Braving the rain, he went down and ran into the building with his arms wide open. He hugged me and kissed me his goodbye – twice on the cheek. I was speechless.

He said nothing, and turned his back. As he ran back to the van, I muttered to say, “take care”. But my words were drowned by the sound of the rain.

I stood there at the lobby. Faking a smile, waving to them. I just stood there with my hand against the misty glass wall – watching the van leave until I saw it no more.

I looked up to the skies, asking them if they too felt my sadness. I felt a tear running into my cheek, joining the rain as they fell.

This ends my three-week, one-sided, puppy-love story. It was good while it lasted. And the memories left behind will never fail to leave a special mark in my heart.

It’s always surprising how small a part of life can be illuminated just by a flicker of unexpected simple moments. More often than not, these priceless “moments” are over before they start. Nevertheless, they leave that special mark… Making the person who instigated them – unforgettable.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Pink Patio Turns One

June 25 marks the birthday of Pink Patio.

I was first introduced to blogging from Nina. She used to send me the link of her page. I like reading her entries (she’s a good writer). But back then I never entertained the idea of making a blog of my own. It was only until a heart-breaking experience that brought me here.

This blog was created out from a broken heart. I needed a receptacle of my pain, hurts, and doubts – where I can fully pour out the turmoil from within.

Since then, Pink Patio has been a witness to the unfolding of my significant life-changing realizations and sentiments. As I leafed through the pages of my previous posts, one entry after the other – I have seen the peaks and valleys of my emotions. From the time I was nursing my wounded heart, to my struggles in rising up to my feet, and now to my new found single-happy-free demeanor.

When I almost lost my blog , I was sad. No, grieving. It was as if, a part of me was lost. It was a startling revelation for me. I never realized the degree of attachment I have with blogging. I am not a regular blogger. But when I do, I make it a serious feat. I find solace from blogging. Pink Patio provides me with a good therapy, when I need it.

Over and above my self-expression, Pink Patio has also been a good conduit for me to connect with my friends. Along the way, I bumped into old friends and even found new ones too. Their words, support and encouragement have helped me progress along the way. And yes, they are my inspiration that drives me to blog some more. Knowing the fact that someone cares, someone that I can share – all the things that I, alone cannot bear, gives me confidence.

As I move along in my life’s journey, Pink Patio will continue to be the aperture of my soul; the orifice of my heart.

And to you my friend, hope you make yourself comfortable as you sit with me – here in my pink patio. Enjoy the adventure as we frolic under the sun – up until dusk comes around. And yes, the view from here looks lovely and pink!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

My Silence

I know I have recently been silent here in my Pink Patio... Yeah, based on my historical records I am unfortunately a consistent irregular blogger. In as much as I want to blog everyday, I only detail essential things that matter to me...Things that shape my world and perhaps illuminate my future... Things that swell in my heart.

My silence here is catapult to my active (blog)drive in my PINK CADILLAC. Hey, this girl just wanna have fun. After so much mourning from my past, I am giving myself a break.

Lately, a lot of things have happened. And oh how much I want to detail them. But I am too busy for that as of the moment. Our company is brewing up something BIG. A major production, with collosal work load, high hopes and gigantic expectation. Tough toll indeed!

I survived a heart break, I know I can handle this! I'm a toughie! ;)

Saturday, June 04, 2005

My Pink Cadillac

Where do I begin?

This is a two-pronged question for me. First, asking, where do I begin in recounting the great tales of my adventure in Europe? All the memories, the excitement and the fun cannot be contained. Sometimes words are not enough.

Secondly, where do I begin in my work? After my two-week vacation, my work has piled up. Now I’m back here again with a barrage of deadlines, a salvo of 1,000++ unread emails, plus a heaping of projects of immediate implementation. No, I am not complaining. Just overwhelmed. The trip was all worth it!

But how do I now blog my adventures? Stories of my European excursion must not go unrecorded. Lest, they be kept only in my mind. And with passing of time, those memoirs might not exactly fade way, but could perhaps eventually loose its color. Thus, I am creating a separate journal for my travels. Introducing, Pink Cadillac!

Join me in my travels. Pack your bags and hop in to my Pink Cadillac!

(ps. Pink Patio will still be my main home base)

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Home Sweet Home

Like all good things ... my two-week vacation in Europe is over. It was short but oh so sweet indeed. Went to Paris, Amsterdam, Luxembourg, Brussels, Rome and Vienna. I think I would need more time to blog the travails of my journey, as I still got a lot of unpacking to do.... Will post some pix as well. But as soon as I am over and done with my stuff here...

Stay tuned!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Me Thinks....

Uh-oh.... me thinks my blog's got a problem. I cannot access it using my blogger add. Nor can I view my blog at all.

Is this a systems problem, or there really is a problem with my blog? If so, can anybody help me?

But then again... is there anyone reading my blog in the first place?

Sigh! Suddenly, I feel alone... It's such a lonely planet, afterall.

Friday, April 22, 2005

A Smile For Me


smiley
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.

I collect smiles.

Back in college, I am so fond of that yellow-round-faced Mr. Smiley. From bags, to notebooks, pens, fans, lampshades, mugs, clips and even slippers, I got them all. Friends would not have a hard time at all buying me gift.

I do not know what endeared me to Mr. Ol Smiley. Color? Yellow was never my favorite color. Pink is. Shape? Never had any partiality over shapes. It mustbe the symbol it signifies. SMILE - a representation of happiness, contentment, peace, and joy.

Smile is a miracle worker. Amidst the hurly-burly of things, a smile relieves stress.

Smile makes up for a good icebreaker. In a very discomforting situation, a smile provides a smart option to crack some icy tension.

Smile is a good peacemaker. It is a good antidote of anger.

Smile is the easiest defense. When faced in a very embarrassing situation, a smile provides for a graceful defense mechanism.

Smile is the best morning primer. Mornings set the indications on what to expect in a day. A smile in the morning makes for a good start.

Smile is the best accessory. Timeless and classic, a smile paints a lasting beauty of elegance. Smile brings out the real beauty from within.

A smile costs nothing but brings a lot of things. Smile, and the world will smile at you. It is one of life's finest things. And hey, it's free!

I have now reached that satiation point where I curbed my penchant for Mr. Smiley. I no longer collect Smiley stuff. I may have outgrown my collection, but I'll never outgrow my love for smiling.

I am a lover of smiles. And yes, I collect real genuine smiles.

Now, would you pause for a while and smile for me?

=)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

My Crowning Glory (part 2)


ows
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.
On the second thought... my hair's not that bad, after all. It may not exactly be the hair that can "launch a thousand ships", but it is not so bad as it seems.

Nevertheless, I would still underline what I have spoken before. "Time to shun vanity and amplify the real beauty that matters." The beauty of my heart.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

My Crowning Glory

Last night I had a haircut. Driven precisely out of impulse. I do not know what got into me – but at that particular moment I wanted to do something new with my hair. Perhaps I suddenly felt my hair was boring and I wanted to add some flair into it.

But as it turned out, I got more than what I asked for. It was too short. This realization dawned on to me – only this morning. I looked at myself in the mirror. And horror of all horrors, I was shocked. I am still not used with my new do.

Albeit assurance from my father and mother that I look great, I feel otherwise. Basing from my own personal standard of beauty, I do not look as lovely as I want to be. Ergo, I do not like my new hairstyle. Now, I have come to realize what a vital role a hair can do in accentuating ones beauty.

I want to cry, I want hide, I want scream… Oh no! The cut has been done. Might as well accept this mishap. Got to handle this situation in a more mature approach.

I should not fret and frown, lest, I broadcast to the world that I hate my hair. Frowning would only make me more unattractive. At least, there is always the assurance that my hair will grow – in a month’s time. But while I’m still at this stage, I need to make do with what I have.

Thinking about it now, there are actually lots of creative ways to offset my hair scare. First off, I need to heighten my over-all appearance. Got to be more fashionable with my outfit. With my short bob, I should wear trendy and stylish clothes to compliment my look. With summer season in tow, I can be a bit “summery” in my look. Accessorize. Fashion earings, necklace, and bracelets galore! They can help put the accent on my new crop to make me look chic. Highlights and hair color could probably add a bit of sass… Must carry the whole ensemble with confidence and poise. It will not be the hair that will matter – it’s how I will carry it. This is what I call, “projection”.

Of course these are all but physical amendments. There is more than what meets the eyes. I am referring to the more essential matter, that which cannot be blatantly seen - the beauty from within. High time for me to shun vanity and amplify the real beauty that matters.

I should make my “inner beauty” work harder this time. I must capitalize more on my personality and character, which will eventually emanate externally. Thus, I need to be more generous with my love; more grateful and careful with my words; more tender with my care. It also means that I should smile wider, sing louder, hug tighter, and love more sincerely. I must do these things freely and earnestly. There’s never faking it. My beauty should radiate from the inside.

After all that has been said, I have come to recognize the value of ethereal beauty. It all boils down to attitude. Long hair, short hair, whatever… I still am beautiful. This is my crowning glory.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Here Comes The Sun


new horizon
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. But anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

At last, the long awaited time for me has come. I am punctuating the end of my past. I cannot undo the things from yesterday. But I still have the option of shaping my tomorrow.

I know I have cried a lot. My eyes sated with tears, that it has blocked my sight to see the blessings that have come my way. I have given much impetus on what I have lost, failing to see the beautiful side of it - freedom.

Now that I am single and available, I am exposed to limitless possibilities. While I am still unattached, I have some chances of meeting anybody - say, the most eligible bachelor in town? Or who knows - the country's heartthrob idol, or perhaps just a simple ordinary person, like me. Whoever he might be the point is that while I am still single, I am open to infinite serendipities.

But don't get me wrong. My mission is not to search for a new love. No, Not yet. After the spending too much time under the rain, I think I need ample time for respite. Allow me to indulge for some solitary interlude.

Freedom. Hope. Zest. Discovery. Exploration. More. Much More.

Life offers a thousand chances. And while that door of chances is not yet closed, I can practically savor this moment and be happy, beautiful and free!

Friday, February 25, 2005

The Last Drop

Move on I must.

I thought I was already OK, not until my surreal dream. He may be out of my mind, but could he still exist in my heart?

Move on I must. Confusing but liberating.

Why do I still keep the relationship with him - alone? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I punishing myself?

Move on I must. Painful but bearable.

Looking at the brighter side of things, I must thank him for giving me the chance to be loved in the way that I truly deserve - in the arms of someone else, but him. Yes, he has given me a chance to live again.

Move on I must. Hard, but possible.

Enough has been said and done. I should not tolerate myself being like this anymore. I should not babysit nor nurture these wallowing pangs of heartaches.

I must, I must, I must. It has to be done.

I shall re-live my life and make a brand new start.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Last Night's Dream

Sunlight peered into my window. 7:00 in the morning. Usually at this time I would be in the shower already. But no, this day, I just lied still on my bed - vividly recalling my dream...

Me and the rest of my college friends were in a grocery store, near our university. Then someone told me that my ex (let's name him "Tommy") is in town. As we were about to cross the street, we were met by a man dressed in Navy suit. He claims to be a schoolmate from a younger batch but I can 't figure the name. He convinced me to talk to "Tommy" . I was hesitant. I don't want to. But upon his and my friend's prodding, I yeilded. Then, we parted ways.

While I was walking on my way home, I met a forty-something plump caucassian guy - who just got ditched by his fiance. He was looking for a new fiance (as a replacement to the one that left him) before the wedding day - which was scheduled on the next day . His friend approached me if I was willing to be his bride, in replacement of his fiance. And me, wanting to face "Tommy" with a fiance, I accepted the invitation . . I agreed because when I face "Tommy" I want to look like I have moved on... So, I went with the guy.

We had an engagement party. But everything was forced . He introduced me to his friends. And kept on saying I'm a Korean, instead of me being a Filipina. His friends were thrilled. He announced that we are going to adopt a Korean teenage girl. The guests got more excited. In the party, we held hands as if we were a couple . But I felt no love for him, not even an ioata of infatuation. I kept on thinking about "Tommy". The foreigner kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to vommit. I asked myself what I got myself into. I wanted to call off the wedding. I wanted to seek help from my mother to call off the wedding. I was afraid to tell it straight to that caucassian guy. He just got jilted by his fiance. I pittied him. Plus, I am afraid of him. Afraid that he will harm me. Afraid that he will harm my family.

I felt nausseated. I excused myself from the crowd . The foreigner agreed, but he asked for my cellphone unit just to assure him that I'd come back. I left the crowd and went to a corner. I prayed and I cried. Till I realized the time! I was supposed to meet "Tommy" . And my parents were waiting for me as well. I looked for my pseudo " fiance " . He was in his room. He was drenched by sweat when he opened the door. I asked his permission if I could leave. He said yes. I asked for my cellphone. He wouldn't give it to me. Then I peeked into his room I saw two naked ladies on his bed. He was somehow embarassed, so he gave me my cellphone. He apologized. Then he asked what time I will come back. I said, "I don't know." And as I was about to leave - he handed me money, around $ 15,000. "This is for our wedding tomorrow and whatever your family needs for the wedding", said he .

Off I went to the streets. On my way to meet "Tommy" and my parents I decided to have myself hit by a car. But I realized I have money in my pocket and I want to ensure that my family have the money before I die. I feared that the people in the streets will just get my money. So I proceded. But I wished I'd be dead... Then I reached the grocery store where "Tommy" and my parent were waiting. I was greeted by friends (most were friends and schoolamtes in the university - whome I have never seen in a quite long time now) who were waiting for me at the entrance of the store.

Inside, I stood in front of them . As my family supposed to meet me and as "Tommy" was supposed to come out from a room..... I took a knife . I held it in my throat. I tried to kill myself precisely because I cannot take myslef be wedded to that foreigner... to that stranger. That's the only reason and nothing else. The wedding was all that consummed me.

I was was about to slash my throat...

Then I woke up.

I lied still on my bed remembering my dream. The feeling was bad. It was a very bad dream. I figured, if I didn' t wake up - could I be dead ?

I wondered why I had this dream? How do I interpret it? Are there any symbolic meanings attached? Must I affix representational divinations unto it? Or could this be but a symptom of a subliminal nostalgia?

The sun grows hotter. It is almost eight in the morning. I am now running late for work. Got to get up - quick and fast!

As I stood from my bed, I opted to choose the latter... I still have a busy life to live.

Welcome to real world.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

In Solitude


sunset view
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.

I went into seclusion over the weekend. I spent a night in a private resort where I witnessed the scenic sunset. So serene, it was a sight to behold. It's so beautiful that even an unskilled photographer like me, can capture a picture with pulchritude as this.

------------------------------------

In solitude, I reflected upon my life's story. On that night, something in me died... Giving a chance for something better to spring forth. Truly, nothing ever grows without being broken.

I prayed and communed with God. As I strolled along the shore, I felt His footprints in the sand. I surrendered everything into His hands.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The Aftermath

After coming out of the rain, now what?

I know I have been tainting my blog with forlorn accounts of my broken heart. Now, I’m rising up on to my feet again. To say that I am perfectly 100% okay is a pretense. But I know I am getting there.

I am starting anew. I’m turning on a new leaf. A realization illuminated me that I practically squandered the entire Year of 2004 on him and my miseries. But it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I am responsible for my own emotions. If in any case that I felt angry, hurt, upset or depressed – I still own these feelings. I am accountable for their presence in my life.

Now that the blizzard is over, I am actually quite thankful that it happened. What happened, has already happened… It probably was meant to happen. Nothing in this world is by accident.

Little by little, I am beginning to see the rainbow. After embracing the pain, I discovered the gifts that came along with my heartache:

The gift of Experience. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Never have I expected to love and feel for a man, the way I did with him. It was a surprise. And it was beautiful – no matter how short-lived. Looking back, I have nothing to regret because I loved to the fullest. A love like this can never be found everyday. I’m happy it came along my way.

The gift of Character. This indeed is a character-building exercise. It immerses me to a different level of experience that brought along valuable (and painful) lessons on humility, strength, dignity, perseverance and faith.

The gift of Inner-Peace. By letting go and forgiving – I have achieved inner-peace. I am proud of myself for harboring no bitterness nor resentment towards him who broke my trust… my love… my heart.

The gift of Expression. With the emotional turmoil I got myself into, I needed an outlet to vent the tenebrous bedlam from within. Thus, unleashing my knack for writing, with which I have long kept under wraps. This blog would not have been created if not for this. Truly this is one of my prized gifts ever.

The gift of Love. Just because someone rejected my love, does not mean I am entirely unlovable. Never have I realized the vast of wealth I posses - in my family and friends. They have lavished me with their support, patience, understanding, and most of all, love. They are my constant reminder that there is so much more to live for. Yes, life is beautiful.

The gift of Hope. Moving on sounds easier said than done. But it has to be done. One broken love does not mean the end of loving. It takes great amount of faith to believe in that silver lining. And much greater effort to act, as though it is soon come.

The gift of Him. This has reinforced my need to run and seek for God’s help. It has drawn me closer to Him. Thus, fortifying His Lordship in my life – Whose love is far beyond compare. He, who is steadfast. He, who will never leave me. He, who is the true lover of my soul. In Him I entrust my everything, my love life included.

The storm has ended. I can feel the warm sunbeams now slowly seeping into my heart!



Monday, January 03, 2005

Photo Testing


waipai
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.
I have been trying ways and means to attach pictures in my blog.

Well here's another brave attempt. My nth attempt ... I lost count but here goes nothing.

1..2..3..

Hope it works this time.