Friday, February 25, 2005

The Last Drop

Move on I must.

I thought I was already OK, not until my surreal dream. He may be out of my mind, but could he still exist in my heart?

Move on I must. Confusing but liberating.

Why do I still keep the relationship with him - alone? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I punishing myself?

Move on I must. Painful but bearable.

Looking at the brighter side of things, I must thank him for giving me the chance to be loved in the way that I truly deserve - in the arms of someone else, but him. Yes, he has given me a chance to live again.

Move on I must. Hard, but possible.

Enough has been said and done. I should not tolerate myself being like this anymore. I should not babysit nor nurture these wallowing pangs of heartaches.

I must, I must, I must. It has to be done.

I shall re-live my life and make a brand new start.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Last Night's Dream

Sunlight peered into my window. 7:00 in the morning. Usually at this time I would be in the shower already. But no, this day, I just lied still on my bed - vividly recalling my dream...

Me and the rest of my college friends were in a grocery store, near our university. Then someone told me that my ex (let's name him "Tommy") is in town. As we were about to cross the street, we were met by a man dressed in Navy suit. He claims to be a schoolmate from a younger batch but I can 't figure the name. He convinced me to talk to "Tommy" . I was hesitant. I don't want to. But upon his and my friend's prodding, I yeilded. Then, we parted ways.

While I was walking on my way home, I met a forty-something plump caucassian guy - who just got ditched by his fiance. He was looking for a new fiance (as a replacement to the one that left him) before the wedding day - which was scheduled on the next day . His friend approached me if I was willing to be his bride, in replacement of his fiance. And me, wanting to face "Tommy" with a fiance, I accepted the invitation . . I agreed because when I face "Tommy" I want to look like I have moved on... So, I went with the guy.

We had an engagement party. But everything was forced . He introduced me to his friends. And kept on saying I'm a Korean, instead of me being a Filipina. His friends were thrilled. He announced that we are going to adopt a Korean teenage girl. The guests got more excited. In the party, we held hands as if we were a couple . But I felt no love for him, not even an ioata of infatuation. I kept on thinking about "Tommy". The foreigner kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to vommit. I asked myself what I got myself into. I wanted to call off the wedding. I wanted to seek help from my mother to call off the wedding. I was afraid to tell it straight to that caucassian guy. He just got jilted by his fiance. I pittied him. Plus, I am afraid of him. Afraid that he will harm me. Afraid that he will harm my family.

I felt nausseated. I excused myself from the crowd . The foreigner agreed, but he asked for my cellphone unit just to assure him that I'd come back. I left the crowd and went to a corner. I prayed and I cried. Till I realized the time! I was supposed to meet "Tommy" . And my parents were waiting for me as well. I looked for my pseudo " fiance " . He was in his room. He was drenched by sweat when he opened the door. I asked his permission if I could leave. He said yes. I asked for my cellphone. He wouldn't give it to me. Then I peeked into his room I saw two naked ladies on his bed. He was somehow embarassed, so he gave me my cellphone. He apologized. Then he asked what time I will come back. I said, "I don't know." And as I was about to leave - he handed me money, around $ 15,000. "This is for our wedding tomorrow and whatever your family needs for the wedding", said he .

Off I went to the streets. On my way to meet "Tommy" and my parents I decided to have myself hit by a car. But I realized I have money in my pocket and I want to ensure that my family have the money before I die. I feared that the people in the streets will just get my money. So I proceded. But I wished I'd be dead... Then I reached the grocery store where "Tommy" and my parent were waiting. I was greeted by friends (most were friends and schoolamtes in the university - whome I have never seen in a quite long time now) who were waiting for me at the entrance of the store.

Inside, I stood in front of them . As my family supposed to meet me and as "Tommy" was supposed to come out from a room..... I took a knife . I held it in my throat. I tried to kill myself precisely because I cannot take myslef be wedded to that foreigner... to that stranger. That's the only reason and nothing else. The wedding was all that consummed me.

I was was about to slash my throat...

Then I woke up.

I lied still on my bed remembering my dream. The feeling was bad. It was a very bad dream. I figured, if I didn' t wake up - could I be dead ?

I wondered why I had this dream? How do I interpret it? Are there any symbolic meanings attached? Must I affix representational divinations unto it? Or could this be but a symptom of a subliminal nostalgia?

The sun grows hotter. It is almost eight in the morning. I am now running late for work. Got to get up - quick and fast!

As I stood from my bed, I opted to choose the latter... I still have a busy life to live.

Welcome to real world.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

In Solitude

sunset view
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.

I went into seclusion over the weekend. I spent a night in a private resort where I witnessed the scenic sunset. So serene, it was a sight to behold. It's so beautiful that even an unskilled photographer like me, can capture a picture with pulchritude as this.


In solitude, I reflected upon my life's story. On that night, something in me died... Giving a chance for something better to spring forth. Truly, nothing ever grows without being broken.

I prayed and communed with God. As I strolled along the shore, I felt His footprints in the sand. I surrendered everything into His hands.