Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Here We Go Again

My mind started to labor from day one of my new assignment. Ever since I set my foot on to my work, I subjected myself in deep deliberation, occupying my thoughts on the challenges and opportunities in my new job.

Exciting indeed that I got myself so engrossed with work, that to my delight I ceased to think about how my future love life will unfold, and what a sorry state I am currently in - for the lack it. My wishful reveries have been replaced with ponderous work plans and how I can further improve the whole system. Gone are the days when I would stare at the sky and wonder who and where my future leading man is? Gone are the longings for that desire to be loved and cherished. Gone are the thoughts of insecurities.

For some reason, I feel a newfound power, being single. Happy and free, I can do anything I want, I can go wherever I want, and I am accountable to nobody but myself. I have never felt so “full” and complete. There’s more to life than waiting for Mr. Right, and much more to conquer still… while he hasn’t arrived. And oh, how I want to explore the infinite possibilities of what I can do. I am sassy, single, and satisfied. Yes, I have been carrying this outlook for sometime now. And I am so proud of it.

Then here comes the twist. I found out that “Mr. Unexpected Moments” is coming back here in the Philippines for an update review of the project we did several months back, when we first met. My first reaction, “Ok. No big deal. That was a thing of the past and my girlish fancies over him has died.” … Or so I thought.

Last Friday, a senior officer asked me to call him for a favor… What? Me, call him? Me, ask him a favor?

But a good soldier must do what he’s got to do. And so I called. Lucky, I would say, he was not available at his desk. But I left a message on his voice mail, hopeful that that would suffice to bring my message (errr… request) across. Thank heavens I would not have any encounter with him anymore.

But why am I so jittery about this whole thing? Why does the idea of talking to him frighten me? Why do I again feel weird when I left a message on his voice mail?

The answer was validated when he called me, after receiving my message. Goodness, I miss the sound of his voice, and his way of calling my name brought music to my ears. Listening to him talk, I can somehow feel him smile. It felt good. Warm. Comforting. As I hung the phone, I felt a surge of flush on my cheeks. My eyes glittered with smile.

As I dreamily looked out in the window, I asked Fate if she’s playing a game on me again? I asked Wisdom if she can guide me? I asked Strength if she can help me?

The real test will be when I come to meet him face to face.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Behind My Silence

It has been ages since my last blog. The past weeks have been a quagmire of anxious thoughts and stressful situations. And oh, how I longed to blog them all, for my release. But time was not on my side. Ever since my relocation here in the head office, I have been plunged into a marsh of rat race.

With great power, comes great responsibility. And with great responsibility, comes great pressure as well. Aside from trailblazing on to a new function, I have to compete against time to beat my desired deadline. Work has been my new obsession. I'd think about it from the moment I wake up. I'd bring it with me in the shower. And even when I eat, I'd still think on how I can improve the whole process.

Managing the whole scheme of things, and introducing changes has never been so easy. My first two weeks was cramped on selling the idea and the big picture to everyone here in the office. With this, I faced every speculations, doubts and challenges along the way. There were tearful nights and broken hearts. Sometimes, I feel so discouraged and lost. But I need to show to them that I am strong and that I know what I'm doing.

Some people wanted my position. Well, they can have it for all they want. If only they realize the burden I carry with me. Some say I am too idealistic to introduce such ambitious venture. I'd tell them to give me a try. If only we'd give it a shot. It does not hurt to try.

I am so tempted to give up. But I won't. I shall prove to them that I know what I'm doing and that I am here to stay. I am passionate about what I do, and I give my heart out into shaping things in the way it should be.