Monday, November 21, 2005

Carrot-On-the Stick No More

I was startled when I heard the news. My "carrot" has left the company, for personal reasons. When I read the email I froze for a while. Staring at my monitor, I tried to digest the news. I could not believe he’s gone. Funny, how he really held his reputation as a man of “unexpected moments”. He caught me by surprise when he held a special spot in my heart. Now he stunned me again when he left. Yes, he held up to his expectations even up to the end.

He showed no signs at all from the last time we saw each other. Or was I blinded then with my preoccupations and paranoia?

A couple of officemates even teased me when they found out. Telling me how such a loss it is. Looking through their eyes, I know what they meant - the loss of potential possibilities. I was taunted by one saying, “Too bad. I think he has a thing for you.”

Not giving in to their jeers, I just smiled. I just allowed them to talk while I patiently listened. Until it came to a point where it made me ask myself, could it be really possible that what they are saying might be true? But nah! I just shrugged my head. How silly of me to entertain such thought. Beside, if by some remote chance that it could be true, will it matter? Will it make any difference? … He’s gone.

Seriously, I consider his leaving as a loss for the company. Putting my infatuation aside, He has a brilliant mind. I admire how he can see through things, dissect the situation and make effective recommendations from thereon. But I think his decision is for his own good. And wherever he is, I wish him well.

Goodbye? Well, he said his goodbye the last time he visited here. And that was his last. Finally, the chase is over. That carrot on the stick is gone. I could now end that dream of reaching for the unreachable.

I believe God has given a certain role for each person that we meet in our lives. That "Carrot" has taught me to open my heart anew. After a very painful breakup, I thought then that I would be incapable of opening my heart. But he took me by surprise and made me realize otherwise. … Unfortunately his role was just to teach. Now that he has completed his role in my life, time for him to leave. With his departure, my only wish is that whatever role I have in his life, I wish I completed it too.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mi Casa

I am a queen, and this is my palace.

Building a home of my own signifies a big step for me. After investing so much and finishing the embellishments, it finally dawned on to me that I am really on my own now. The reality of me leaving my family has finally become so apparent to me. I am now totally free and independent.

Welcome, as I tour you around in my humble abode:

My living room cum bedroom. This futon is a couch by day. Adjust its lever at the back, it converts to a cozy little bed for me at night.

My study lounge. In as much as I do not want to bring my work at home, I can do nothing but at least make it comfortable and relaxing for me. I really searched hard for these dangling flower “curtains”. The windows are wide enough – to give me a good view of city lights at night. But the best part of it is by daybreak, where I can witness the slow sunrise at the crack of dawn. Ahhh… Heavenly!

My Kitchen - just enough for me to prepare my quick meals. No serious cooking here as I usually eat out.

My Bathroom. My beauty bar haven. I have to admit I spend long hours here. On top of my beauty rituals – I always clean it everyday. After every bath, I make sure wipe dry the tiles before going out. This, I would say is the cleanest part of my home.

Having a home of my own is totally fun. I may be alone, but not necessarily lonely.

Monday, November 14, 2005

It's a Home!

With the end in mind of recreating a home for myself, dressing up the place was a serious thing for me. This place is going to be my sanctuary, my escape away from the busy life I live outside.

I want to have a cozy and sassy feel of my place. As the girl that I am, I want a “Rhyanne” ambiance over my place – a territory where I call my own. Mine.

The colors of my walls are a plus thing for me. It inspired me to play around with it. With a mix-match of orange and blue, I selected all furnishings in these colors, plus a tinge of lavender for additional contrast.

Decorating my place was so much fun! Buying my stuffs was equally enjoyable. However, paying my bills is not. But then again, it’s for a reasonable cause. I call this as an investment. The comfort and refuge that my home gives me is priceless.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A place of my own

Aside from toiling over with my new work assignment from my recent transfer, my mind was stressed out as well in finding a place for me to stay. Much of the strain emanates from the pressure of providing myself with a comfortable, cozy and secure place. Not to mention the distance from my place to my office. It has to be somewhere near. Plus, the budget – should be within my pocket’s reach.

I am living all alone and I want to provide for myself a place where I can look forward in going home to. I want to recreate a home, a home of my own. Work is stressful enough in itself. I want to relax and unwind when I go home, a place that will give me a respite after a hard day’s work.

After two weeks of research – internet, newspapers, and even Brokers, I felt disappointed. Not one unit came close to my qualifications. I prayed hard for this. I almost gave up, and I almost compromised my standards. Until one fateful Saturday afternoon, I stumbled to an ad listing on the net. When I went to check out the place, I immediately fell in love with it.

The security is strict - indication of safety. Sanitation is good. Facilities are wonderful. It has a pool and a gym, both free for all tenants. Parking is safe and secured. The unit itself is clean, airy, and spacious enough for me and my things. The windows are big to let ample sunshine in. And the major bonus that kept me hooked was the hue of my unit.

My unit has a Mediterranean tone – painted with a mix of tangerine and royal blue. It looks contemporary, sleek and chic. I can just imagine the final look, when I begin to start embellishing it. It’s definitely going to be one bachelorette’s haven… A place which I will call my own.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My Carrot

Minutes before his arrival, an officemate teased me about his coming. I was left speechless. All these time, I tried to keep everything in oblivion. Thinking that this officemate could just be hoping to fish for something from me, I just gave away a poker face.

Before I stepped into the Conference Room, I made a firm resolve to myself to get real and cast off my childish fancies. Thus, confine all our dealings in business formality. I conditioned myself into thinking that our second meeting will be a mile different from the first. We were a team before – the atmosphere was more or less casual and dynamic. But now, it will be us giving an update report of the project that was left behind to us. And in this case, I respect to conform to the bureaucracy of business milieu.

When he entered the room, I felt all eyes were on me. I think my officemate’s taunt has left me paranoid. To my defense, I tried to ignore him to prevent any contact with him. But he approached me and greeted me in his own savvy manner that made me blush and forget my internal debates. I just turned my head to conceal my fluttered cheeks.

Nothing much happened between us during his visit. He dealt with me in his usual teasing manner. His smile, his voice and his glances still never fail to bring me to cloud nine. Good thing though that I do not have to report to him directly. Thus, limiting our interaction. Thank heavens for that! I spent the last four days trying to keep an arm’s length for the two of us. I tried to make sure that my heavily guarded actions would not betray any of my secret affections.

Nothing dramatic happened when he left. But the gray clouds and the drizzle, reminded me of our last good bye. It brought back our beautiful memories and stirred me with nostalgic sentiment. Still, my heart felt heavy when he left.

I felt sad because I will miss everything about him and what me makes me feel with his presence. I felt sad because of the invisible wall I built, out of propriety and decorum. Could he have noticed my evasions? But I did this because I like him. Not the other way around. I wanted to protect him and myself for any plausible consequence. Could I be giving him wrong messages? I felt sad because I cannot show him what I truly feel towards him. I felt sad because I am yearning for an impossible dream. There is no slight possibility for “us”, I know, but deep in my heart lies a wishful plea… a plea that would never be granted. Like a carrot on a stick, he makes me long for something that which I can never attain.

Yet despite all these sadness, I feel happy. Probably because the reason is him. He gives me more happiness than sadness. Whatever this unexplainable thing that he makes me feel, compensates for any distressing emotions involved. He will always be special in my heart - even without him knowing it... And I'd like to keep it this way.

He may be a carrot, but this one carrot definitely knows how to make me smile.