Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My Carrot

Minutes before his arrival, an officemate teased me about his coming. I was left speechless. All these time, I tried to keep everything in oblivion. Thinking that this officemate could just be hoping to fish for something from me, I just gave away a poker face.

Before I stepped into the Conference Room, I made a firm resolve to myself to get real and cast off my childish fancies. Thus, confine all our dealings in business formality. I conditioned myself into thinking that our second meeting will be a mile different from the first. We were a team before – the atmosphere was more or less casual and dynamic. But now, it will be us giving an update report of the project that was left behind to us. And in this case, I respect to conform to the bureaucracy of business milieu.

When he entered the room, I felt all eyes were on me. I think my officemate’s taunt has left me paranoid. To my defense, I tried to ignore him to prevent any contact with him. But he approached me and greeted me in his own savvy manner that made me blush and forget my internal debates. I just turned my head to conceal my fluttered cheeks.

Nothing much happened between us during his visit. He dealt with me in his usual teasing manner. His smile, his voice and his glances still never fail to bring me to cloud nine. Good thing though that I do not have to report to him directly. Thus, limiting our interaction. Thank heavens for that! I spent the last four days trying to keep an arm’s length for the two of us. I tried to make sure that my heavily guarded actions would not betray any of my secret affections.

Nothing dramatic happened when he left. But the gray clouds and the drizzle, reminded me of our last good bye. It brought back our beautiful memories and stirred me with nostalgic sentiment. Still, my heart felt heavy when he left.

I felt sad because I will miss everything about him and what me makes me feel with his presence. I felt sad because of the invisible wall I built, out of propriety and decorum. Could he have noticed my evasions? But I did this because I like him. Not the other way around. I wanted to protect him and myself for any plausible consequence. Could I be giving him wrong messages? I felt sad because I cannot show him what I truly feel towards him. I felt sad because I am yearning for an impossible dream. There is no slight possibility for “us”, I know, but deep in my heart lies a wishful plea… a plea that would never be granted. Like a carrot on a stick, he makes me long for something that which I can never attain.

Yet despite all these sadness, I feel happy. Probably because the reason is him. He gives me more happiness than sadness. Whatever this unexplainable thing that he makes me feel, compensates for any distressing emotions involved. He will always be special in my heart - even without him knowing it... And I'd like to keep it this way.

He may be a carrot, but this one carrot definitely knows how to make me smile.


Lanee Girl said...


BabyPink said...

sis, baka namn sa kaiiwas mo eh, ma-obvious hinuon. hehehe:) just my two cents worth.