Monday, December 26, 2005

Home for the Holidays


family pic
Originally uploaded by Rhyanne.
I am home for the holidays. It has been a week since I took my vacation leave from work. What a life! Waking up late, eating home-cooked meals, spending time with my family, catching up with my friends… Wish I could do this everyday… And so I spoil myself with all these “feel good” moments - while I still can.

The latest buzz I gathered here in my hometown -

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Around ¾ of my batch in high school is married. The remaining bunch is still with no significant romantic partners. For the unmarried ones, a little pressure is felt. But hey, we have our own different callings and different timings in life. I find relief knowing that I’m going back to Manila – where there are more single unattached women my age – just like me. Hahaha! Misery loves company!

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Mama is busy with her preparations for her upcoming seminar on “The Purpose and Power of a Woman”. She will be conducting a free seminar for the Ladies Ministry in the church. And did I mention how happy she is that I’m home? I am her designated assistant, critic, editor, graphic consultant, and listener - all for the labor of love. But I find it a great privilege to assist her. I have learned something new. I have expanded my horizons.

Mama is quite stressed on this lately. Take it easy ma, everything will turn out fine! I’m here for you.

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My sister is love struck. She’s 15. She thinks she is in love.

She is now entrapped in her own world. She’d go to a corner – stare at the ceiling and smile. She is elated knowing that she has a mutual understanding with her crush. Without her articulating it to me, I can sense that she is now thinking of eternity – a happy ever after romance with this boy.

Part of me is excited for her. Another part of me does not want to encourage her though.

Looking through the sparkle in her eyes and the twitch of her smile, she reminds me of myself five years back. I can vividly recall the butterflies in my stomach, the feeling of walking on cloud nine, the wave of excitement even by just mere ring on the phone. All these things she’s going through right now – I felt it once before.

But how can I tell her that what she feels now is not real? That it shall someday come to pass? And on its end, it will sting her? Oh, how I want to shield her from the eventual pain. How I want her to snatch her away from the situation of great expectations with zero realizations.

I deem that telling her upfront would be ill appreciated. Her adolescent mind and her teenage heart will never understand the counsels of her loveless and boyless older sister. Spoiling her dreamland would only negate her from opening up with me. I would never want this to happen.

My sister. Now 15. My baby has grown up, near to become a lady. Gone are the days when she used to sit by my side and listen to my stories. She’s got a world of her own now. She has her own her own experiences to go through, her own pains to discover, her own lessons to learn. And amidst through her ventures, it is my duty to let her know that I will always be there for her.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Readers?

How many people know about my blog? I wonder… because as of writing, I have reached 791 visitors. Who could they be?

I could only identify few people whom I have shared access to this blog: my mother, my sister, Pie, Diane, Anna, and my AGM friends. These are the chosen few, who have been given the privilege of my blog invitation.

Well, at first after making my blog and writing my very first entry, I announced it to the world. However, as I wrote one article after another – things became so personal. My blog became a window into the abyss of my emotions and sentiments. I have practically stripped myself from my mask, my inhibitions, my defenses. This is me. My heart. Exposed. Naked and bare.

Now, I wish to limit access to my blog from people who know me – especially in the office. I think I have spoken too much about my (supposed) puppy love life with an ex-officemate.

I have this sweet but tough, serious, mature and no nonsense image in the office. I cannot imagine what implication it will have if they discover this other side of me. For them to know what a hopeless romantic I am; For them to see the vulnerable side of me; For them to journey into my heart. Sometimes I wish I used a code name or something – just so to conceal my identity. Well, here’s wishing that they would not stumble upon this page.

How about family and friends? They are OK. They are the very people who you run to for emotional support and encouragement. They are part of the reasons why I try to frequently update my blog. Because I know that they care about my welfare and at some point, they want to know what’s going on with my life. Plus the fact, that they never fail to give me words of comfort whenever I needed them.

Strangers? Lurkers? Passer Bys? Pretty fine with me. I do not know what brought them here. Fate? But I hope that with my sharing, I could touch and inspire a life. And probably build on new friendships. I have in fact found some new friends through blogging: Ariel and Dindo. Their insights have added new dimensions in my perceptions about life, Jesus and the world we live in. Hope I could do the same to at least one individual in this worldwide web.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Gloomy Day

Gloomy Day

Today, the skies are gray… and so am I.

Attribute this to holiday blues? Chirstmas is in the air. It’s the season to celebrate togetherness, sharing happy moments with loved ones. Inasmuch as I do not want to admit, times like these heighten the need for that special someone – someone to hug me and give me warmth; someone to kiss me under the mistletoe; someone to share this season with.

Nevertheless this is not reason enough for me not to be merry. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not desperate for a special someone (at least, not yet). What I feel is pretty normal for any single person – male or female. And I suppose this is not the main reason why I’m sad.

I was supposed to join a reunion last night. But a series of fortuitous events got in the way. My cousin’s surprise arrival and my sudden tummy trouble prevented me from going. It’s already sad enough that I missed the reunion, but now I think I have a bunch of disappointed people. Who, I fear would carry on that grudge – forever?

I could not blame them. It’s supposed to be our 5th anniversary. But it felt as if I stood them up, with my no-show. I sent out my apologies – but all I got was silence. I ought to feel touched by their reaction. It indicates how they miss my presence and how they really wanted me to be there. Them, I understand. But is it selfish enough for me to ask for a little understanding?

I deem that some might be speculating on the veracity of what I told them. Now, it boils down to the matter of trust. Friendships are tested by time and situations. Five years. Long enough to know a person, but still short enough to predict what he has on his mind. True friends are tested on how they respond to situations. Including situations like this.

I am not accusing anyone. I may be wrong – and simply be driven crazy by my paranoia. Neither do I want to escalate things. So I’ll just keep it to myself. But this is how I feel today. Hopefully, just today.