Sunday, December 03, 2006

Quarter Life Crisis

I have heared so many a times of Mid Life Crisis. But have you ever heard of a "Quarter-life Crisis."? I think they do exist.

Quarter life crisis is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are
or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Twenty-something friends... U aren't alone in state of confusion....

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sleeping Beauty

Sometimes it is hard to know exactly what’s in our hearts - why we feel the way we do, and what we really need. Sometimes it is better to numb the heart and ignore all those maddening emotions inside, or else it will drive us crazy.

And so for me, I lay my heart to rest. I resolve to stop this folly of great expectations and ardent anticipation for cupid to be at my aid. I will bring to halt this zany chase over fireflies, grasshoppers and frogs – then wishing that they will become the butterfly that I have dreamt of. Fireflies will be fireflies. Grasshoppers will be grasshoppers. Frogs will be frogs. But at least I there are foxes dressed in sheep’s clothing no more.

Riddles and clues, this heart has gone through. Thus, this it lives for the day. Now, it hopes for nothing, trying to see reality as it is and not as the way it perceives things to be. At this point that the heart is induced to a deep therapeutic slumber, I hope to find my peace.

To him He who holds the key, to him who can decipher the mystical path to my heart, to him who dares to fight the odds – I await for him. For he is the one true prince who will awaken this heart, that now lies to sleep.

“Do not awaken love until it so desires.” (Song of Solomon 8:4)

Monday, November 06, 2006

On To My Feet

Pearls are made from oyster's tears.

I have once been told that what can't kill you, won't hurt you. Pains and discouragement can be so distressing, but they can also make us strong - if we only allow them.

Gold is strengthened by the fiery furnace. Coffee produces sweet aroma, once subjected to heat. The pressures in life may seem to crush us, but like a crushed grape that produces wine, they only bring out the best in us.

To have passion for excellence is to have a burning desire and a never ending quest for improvement - no matter what. Only quitters quit. Winners stay in the game.

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down. But we get up again and keep going." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Dear Lord, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me to remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments, and your plans for my life are always better than my dreams. Amen.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Pressing Issue

I have a pressing issue at hand that it is starting to build a nest on my head. Never in my entire career life have I thought of resigning more often as I do right now. Whilst the dynamism of a networked organization encourages a wide span of influence and control, it also creates a big room for ambiguity. In this kind of organizational design, communication is the key… And if only we could just talk. If only they could have forewarned me.

I am excited of the recent changes, but at the same time sad. I am energized of the new things to unfold. I love to venture uncharted paths. These changes give me a chance to once again create something new out from nothing. However, I am sad of leaving the comfortable nook, I have grown accustomed to.

The process that I designed, a process that I call my baby, will be taken away from me. I feel like stripped naked from my proud accomplishment - all now going down the drain. I feel like what I have done so far went unrecognized.

But come to think of it… I think the battle could just be mine. This is not about them. This could be about me. I could just be insecure, afraid and proud. I should think not of myself but of the common good.

Besides, the new spot that I will be venturing into is equally (or perhaps more) challenging. Time to let go of the past. Time to move on. Time to go and create new castles; a new horizon to trail blaze; a new tomorrow to paint.

As I look now at the immaculately white plain canvass, I face it with a smile. I just do… with the hope that soon enough there will be nest no more… lest the eggs on the nest might hatch, and soon become a bird who may opt to fly high, up and away.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Mount Everest

Just over the radio, I heard the interview of Leo Oracion. He is the one of the first Filipino explorers to climb up Mount Everest. In his dialogue, he recounts the ordeals of their adventure. It was a journey of sleepless night with no rest. The bitter cold prohibits them to stop even for a quick nap. He in fact lost his toe to the wintry weather. They relied sorely on chocolates and granola bars for a quick power dose of sugar and energy.

As I listen on, I cannot help but admire his tenacity and his absolute persistence to achieve the summit. Braving the difficulties, he persevered… Something, which I feel I cannot imagine myself doing. I can’t help but admire how people like him get such sheer satisfaction and bliss out from climbing mountains, coupled with all the inconveniences brought about it.

As turned off the radio, I paused for a while and asked myself, “What is it about climbing mountains that they venerate so much?” … And after a brief period of contemplation, I have finally found the answer.

People like them are driven to their vision, propelled on their own, to face the challenges they themselves made. So determined are they with purpose, that nothing – not even the fiercest gust of icy air can freeze their quest. The crown of the mountain is but a symbolism of their personal pursuit for victory in life.

Whilst other people (me included) cannot totally grasp the inspiration of climbing mountains and overcoming glacial hurdles, I still think that we all have our own individual Mount Everests. They may come in different forms, sizes and packages. But inside the alcoves of our hearts lies that one deep driving force that thrusts us to be in constant motion. For a student, that’s getting grades with flying colors; For a writer, that’s creating a nobel-prize worthy article; For a Salesman, that’s hitting his monthly targets; And so on and so forth. Our own personal Mount Everests may seem peculiar from one person to the other. But that does not matter. What matters most is we encompass something that drives us, that which defines the rationale for our actions – what we do and why we do it. Something that ignites us from within us to give our best and be the best.

I still am uncertain if there exists a man devoid of his own version of Mount Everest? And if so, what kind of mediocre life is he living? How does he feel, waking up each day to a new morning?

Friday, September 29, 2006

Blizzard

Yesterday has been a very rough day for me. It seemed as if all things were against me. It was like yesterday was a commemoration of theme, “Test-Rhyanne’s-Patience” Day. Starting on my way to the office until I was about to head off for bed.

I encountered scores of concerns and impediments that day – work, queer personalities, management decisions, and typhoon “Milenyo”. Through it all ,I tried to keep my composure. It was pretty tough. There’s this tug-o-war inside me to either let my emotions aflame or extinguish it. At best, the only thing I could do is to try to contain the occasional sparks ignited by yesterday’s trepidations.

Never in my life did I feel oh so alone and lonely. I was about to have another meltdown.

But just before I called the end of yesterday, I was enlightened. As I sat at the footstool of my bed last night, recalling what a day it has been, I realized that it was not so bad after all. I thanked the Lord for what happened, and for what did not happen.

Instead of complaining for making us report to work still – despite the declared signal number 3 storm, I thanked God for keeping me safe. Not everyone who was on the road yesterday was out of harm's way. Trees were uprooted, branches were flying everywhere, some billboards have collapsed. Some people were hurt. Thank God I was spared.

Instead of complaining about the meeting which our sales director called for until 7:00 PM (despite the fact that there’s a storm outside, and there’s only six of us left on the floor), I thank God that I have a stable job – in a prestigious multinational company at that.

Instead of complaining about the vacillation of some management decisions yesterday, I thank God for giving me the voice and putting me into a position where I can try to influence the management.

After coming home, instead of complaining about how long I waited for the elevator, and how many times it skipped me on my way to my unit, I thank God for providing us with a power generator. Albeit so slow, at least we still have some power supply. Whereas, many homes out there were suffering from total darkness – brought about by the power outage.

Lastly, instead of complaining about how the strong winds managed to let water through my house and how puddles and soaking carpets greeted me when I entered the room, I thank God for giving me an instant carpet wash. I have been meaning to have my carpet cleaned. But yesterday, I was provided with an instant solution – and free of charge.

I am amazed by how bad things can turn out into good things – depending on how you view the situation. So rather than moping on a self-pity party last night, I was rejoicing in grateful celebration. Things were bad yesterday, but it could have been worse… And so, I thank God for what happened and for what did not happen.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Random Thoughts

It’s hard to get back to business after such a long vacation. Concerns, issues, priorities – feeling so overwhelmed, it’s difficult sorting through an ocean of hurly-burly conglomerate matters. I sit facing my laptop, while my mind soars back to the big apple.

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It’s the annual registration for my car. But I do not know where and how to start. All those processes, documents, smoke emission tests and other requirements… I know nothing related to cars. This is so exasperating. Back home, at least I have my father who helps me with automotive concerns. But now I feel like I am an alien, being plunged into a strange world of cars, wheels and spark plugs.

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To quote an email I sent to my friend yesterday, “Don't worry much about the wedding preparation. Don't focus the plans on the wedding but on the MARRIAGE. Weddings last for a day, but marriage lasts for a lifetime :)” … Yeah, an advice coming from me – who’s single and never married. Where did I get that wisdom? … Hmmm, sometimes I amaze myself!

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When I went to the mall last Sunday, they were already playing Christmas songs. Goodness, Christmas is near. Wonder if something special is in store for me this Christmas?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Another Hopeless Case

I only realized that I like him when I was at the airplane. With nothing to do mid-air thousand miles from the ground, I looked at the pictures in my digicam... and when I looked at our picture, it reminded me of how we first met and how I felt about it.

I just realized it has been a long while since I felt this nice-happy-light feeling -after two years. So long a time, I almost forgot that this nice-happy-light feeling existed. Although I went out on dates in between those two years, but it was only this time again that I felt something once more.

But at the same time I am afraid. Admitting this feeling opens myself to vulnerability once again. Unsure if the feeling is mutual, I fear I might get disappointed and worse, rejected. Yet I know, as human as we are, we can never escape from pain. And if in case I get hurt from this experience, it's worth the try. I cannot contain wht this is I'm feeling, nor can I lie to myself. I cannot also afford to deprive myself from feeling happy. I have to let my inner child go out and be wild and free sometimes. Admittedly, I have caged myself on a hard shell to protect myself from getting hurt. A painless life I have lived... Painless but lonely.

As for us, I am well aware that our future together is very much uncertain. Hello, the distance and the time zone speak for themselves. But come what may. I live for the day, taking one step at a time. No expectations. And wherever the road leads us, even if it just takes us to a stagnant chummy bend - a pal or even just an acquaintance - I am thankful still because at least I have met one fine gentleman, who I can now call as my friend.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Slowly But Surely

It has been two weeks for me now here in New York. It is such a sweet reunion with my friends and distant relatives whom I have not seen for the longest time now.

But their usual question to me is, "Why are you still single?" The question I never fail to get after the kisses, the hugs and some brief updates. I hear it all the time, that it never surprises me anymore. For this, I have a ready answer - a smile. But at the back of my head I refute - Why not?

Yeah, why not? ... This does not necessarily mean that I am unattractive and dull. It just so happens that I have not found the right man yet. Sure, I have my standards. And there's no compromising. I have learned to be careful. For me, engaging into a relationship would mean a partnership for a lifetime. This is for keeps, till death do we part. This is a lifelong commitment. I need to be sure that I am up for it - the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. And this being the case, I should not settle for less. Heck, I would be better off alone, than be bound by someone who could only make me and my lifetime miserable. As it is, I am happy with my life now. Why try to complicate it?

Of course there's no denying that I still somehow feel the longingness for some companionship. But I stand firm on my grounds - slowly but surely. I know there is still somebody for me out there. It's just a matter if time. I can wait. Like I once said, patience is bitter but the fruit is sweet. This is not a race. I am not in a hurry. Haste makes waste. Only fools rush in. And again I say, I would be better off alone, than be bound by someone who could only make me and my lifetime miserable.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Quick Hello

Yeah, it has been pretty silent again here in my blog.

I am in New York right now. I arrived yesterday and this is the reason for my silence. Couple of weeks before I left for New York, I was in a mad frenzy to make sure everything is up and running while I am away from work.

And now am finally here. Will be recounting my tales here in the big apple when I have the time. Bye for now. Need to catch up with some friends.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Proud Sister

Oh yes, I am a proud sister. Ever since she was born, I promised to myself to take care of her, as if she was my daughter. Recalling back, i took an active role in taking care of her - playing with her, teaching her basic lessons in life and living, and encouraging her to pursue the things where she would best grow.

Even now that we are apart, I still make sure that I get in touch with her and check up on her. Just recently she asked my help for her essay - to edit it and add more if need be. I gleam with pride as I read her article:

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Not much is expected from ordinary teenagers. We surprisingly are not startled when most of them are becoming more and more rebellious and their morality slowly decreasing bit by bit. When we see teenagers smoking and drinking, it’s as if it’s common and at all not disturbing. Luckily, I’m not one of those teenagers indulging in such activities. In an early age, my parents have taught me the good morals in life and have introduced Christ as young as I was. They, especially my mother and sister , urged me to be closer to God and never discouraged me to attend to every church activity we had. Because of their persistent drive and push, I learned to love God above anything else in this world. My love for Him constantly grows each day which in turn gives me hope everyday. I turned out to be contented in life which is the reason why I have a happy disposition in life. Pardon me if I may talk like a nun, but I am just revealing to you what I truly am—a God-centered person. In whatever I do, I make sure that I would be able to please God. Though it is inevitable to sin, I still try my hardest not to. I make sure that my priorities are set right—God first, then all the rest comes second. I am never ashamed to declare to everyone that I am a very God-fearing person. Some may think I’m weird to have such principles in life as I have, well at least I’m confident that what I’m doing is the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still do what every teenager do, I still have time for fun, but I know what its limits are and know when to stop. Others even say that I think maturely in my age, I actually don’t. I’m still just a regular teenager who just puts God first above anything else.

Clueless on what to elaborate more on my essay, having no idea on what experiences I had which defined me as person, I sit on a comfy chair, pondering in front of the computer. Minutes passed by, and still nothing knocked my head, until I saw my bible. Then, I realized the greatest achievement I have had experienced yet. It wasn’t my material things, the medals, certificates and trophies; instead it was Christ all along. Summer of 2005, I read Rick Warren’s “The Purpose Driven Life”; it really inspired me and really gave an impact in life. I was able to learn what my purpose in life is—for God alone. This changed the way I regarded life before. I was renewed and was enthused to live life accordingly to God’s plan.


My family started from scratch. We got to the point where my father became jobless once. We were on a wrecked boat, nearly sinking to poverty. But with constant faith and prayers, we were able to rise up. Today, we no longer face that kind of financial difficulty. I have seen God’s provision in my life so many times. Thinking back on it, I have come to appreciate the goodness of God. He had really blessed me indeed. Sometimes, we fail to notice it and neglect to thank the Lord for it. Try to count your blessings one by one, and you’ll be surprised to know how blessed you are. Even the tinniest things in life, they are blessings too. No money could ever surmount the happiness and content that you will feel when you have Christ in you. I would like to end my essay with my favorite bible verse which is quoted from Proverbs 16:4, it states:

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and all your plans will succeed”

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As I read along, tears of joy an pride blurred my eyes. I am deeply touched by her insight. She is indeed a blessing to me, my angel, as I call her. I am very proud of her even when she was still young. But I am even more proud of her now, the young lady she is turning into, and the woman she will become.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Long Distance Love Affair

Over the weekend, I met with a friend. So distraught with her current situation, she sought words of advice from a friend whose past relationships were long distance. … Me… And this is what I had to say:

Having gone through two intense serious long distance relationship... would you consider me as the expert? Through it all, I always thought it was perfect... or so I thought… Or at least from the initial stages of our relationship.

Ironic thing is I broke up with my first relationship when we had the chance to be together in the same city. We started the courtship process long distance. It was seamless. Technology was to our advantage. Email, cellphone, snail mail, telephone... All sorts of connection we did it. And despite the distance we felt we were bonded with love. No fights, no arguments. Perfect! But when we were together, we broke up. There were lots of things we discovered from each other that cannot be revealed despite all the technological access. We were not masking, but there are things that you have to see for yourself - habits, idiosyncrasies, mannerisms, etc. It was difficult. Insight: You need to spend time with that person first to get to know more of him/her.

My second relationship was with a long college friend, it was a friendship that blossomed into love. I felt comfortable and amenable in engaging the relationship with him - despite our distance, because I knew him ever since college. I know a lot about him more than I did with my first. It was also good. Despite our distance I felt secure. We also tapped the resources of technology and other forms of communication to be in touch with each other everyday. But we broke up because of another girl. Insight: Most of the men, need physical companionship. While we girls can bank on the emotional investments, men would need extra effort to be on that level.

It would be unfair for me to generalize my past experiences and compare it with someone else’s (and even my possible future relationship included – just in case). At best, I can only learn from them and apply the lessons learned. There is no quick and fast formula for a successful relationship. Distance or no distance, it boils down on how both you and your partner love, trust and respect each other. At the end of the day, it is not about the distance. It is about the love and the lovers.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Meanings Are In People



Words are words. They are but a jumble of letters put together, mixed and match to connote something. But why is it that they say that wounds inflicted by words are far more painful than a sword? And that their scars more pronounced? Could it be that there is something more behind these words?

I’d still say words are words. But meanings are in people. As is it, a word does not mean anything. It is the individual who gives life, color, form and emotion behind these words.

Words are subject to interpretation. Depending upon your frame of reference, you may interpret words said to you accordingly. In like manner, your reaction to those words is dependent on you. You may hear criticism and all sorts of negative remarks. Those are just words. The onus is on you, whether to believe them, to retaliate, or to take it as a challenge to prove them wrong. You may hear praises, accolades and all sorts of good things. The impetus is on you to either receive it with doubt, or rest on your laurels, or to take it as an inspiration to do more.

People may say anything they want. They are entitled to their own opinion. But it is up to you how you take it and how you respond. It is a choice. You can choose to be affected, or choose to be happy. It is not about them, it is you.

At the end of it all, words are words. But meanings are in people. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the human mind is the mightiest.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Love of My Heart

Oh yes, I am in love!
No, I haven’t met him yet. But the idea of him is what keeps this flame of love alive in my heart. Funny how it may seem, but nonetheless this does not invalidate the authenticity of what I feel. It is real... He is real. And someday soon our paths will meet. I don’t know how, I don’t know when. But I am holding on. Because I am certain that when the opportune time comes, he is worth the wait after all.


Someone To Watch Over Me

There's a saying old, says that love is blind
Still we're often told, "seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

He's the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
I'd like to add his initial to my monogram

Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed

Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Just a Thought

It has been awhile since I left home and headed for Makati, in response to the calling of a lucrative work assignment. And now as I sit and contemplate about it, I am grateful for this break. However, a part of me is still somewhat apprehensive.

I am currently driving the whole communication and planning process from here in the head office down to field sales in the regions. A task I find so fulfilling, after building and institutionalizing the process flow – out from scratch. Truly, I am blessed with the wisdom, the attitude, the opportunities, and the support that I need for my job. However, there are moments that I ask myself, “Is this the life I want for my life?” Deep inside, I want to settle down, be married, and be a housewife. But I am doing the opposite. Laboring from 7:30 am to 10:00 pm everyday, working my way up the corporate ladder. It seems like I want one thing, but I am doing the opposite of it.

But then again, this may not be the life I want, but could this be the life that God wants for me? So that through my life – with my position and influence, I can be a blessing to others. This could be my ministry. And God could have wanted to bless me even more but with my resistance and reluctance I am tying His hands?

The greatest tragedy in life is failing to live out the purposes God has planned in our lives. I do not want to experience this tragedy. And so I ask for God to forgive me for my stubborn mind, and for my lack of faith. I should live my life in the way He has willed it to be, and not in the way I want it to be. For as high as the heavens are from the earth, so is God’s wisdom from mine. This is a recommitment for me to submit to His will and follow Him, where He will lead me.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Breaking My Silence


And so I’m back… Yeah, it has been pretty silent lately here in my Pink Patio. In fact, can see the silver-gray cobwebs glistening, and the powdery dust trickling like snowflakes. But here I am with a broom on my left hand and a feather duster on my right.

Things at work have been very busy and stressful for me, even to the point of feeling laden at the thought of blogging - which ironically is a stress-reliever for me.

So what have I been to lately? … Where do I begin?

Shall I write about my Work?

My Work, who has become like a boyfriend to me – and a very demanding one at that. Always on my thoughts from the moment I see the morning sun, until I gaze upon the night stars. And how mutual it is to know that my work is always here for me too 24/7. My Work, to whom I have poured out my heart, my passion and my emotions. My Work, who has pushed me to go beyond my inhibitions and other perceived outer limits. Thus, widening my horizons along the process.

Although recently it has been like a roller coaster ride of emotions from a high of proud accomplishment and satisfaction, to the gush of stress and pressure, down to the lowest ebb of confusion and fear … fear of taking risks, and most of all, fear of failing.

Shall I write about my brother?

My brother has just started to live on his own as well. There is no doubt that he will survive. What unsettles me is that he will soon be facing the mature world. I hope the morals and the values we have tried to inculcate will soon take its roots and lead him to where he ought to go.

Shall I write about my parents?

Looking at them watching their kids grow. I know they are proud of us. Indeed they have raised us well. But I feel their trepidation of watching us leave home. I hope to spare them from any form of empty nest syndrome. Wish time would just go back when we were still small – and would just freeze to that moment.

Shall I write about my plans?

The unit where I am currently living is for sale. Shall I buy it? Am I ready for this? This is something huge. This would mean changes in my lifestyle and occasionally sporadic shopping galore. Moreover, this would mean that I am beginning to see more of myself being permanent here in Manila. And beyond them, buying a house shows an indication of a step forward to adulthood. It’s big. For some unexplainable reason, I feel like it’s a commitment to something I do not know. I, myself, am confused. Weird, but this is something that perplexes me.

Shall I write about my Man?

My man who at this point is still a mystery to me. Is he persistently searching for me, just as I have been eagerly waiting for him? … Have we already met? And is he just looking at me from afar? And if so, what’s stopping him? Or have we not met? Where is he? Who is he? What’s delaying him? Is he with someone else right now? … Oops, another SINBAD (Single Income No Boyfriend Absolutely Desperate) on the loose right now! … Sorry…

Shall I continue to write? I think I have written enough. I have broken my silence, but I hope not to have tainted my patio with desperation and gloom. Well life is like this. Up and down. But after all that has been said, the important thing here is to let go and let God.

I am complicated thinker, I know. I always think and worry way ahead in advance. And this is something I am trying to deal with right now.
I know everyday will not be as bright and sunny as I would like it to be. But whenever I find myself engulfed in darkness, I remind myself to search for the stars. It is only in the black of the night that these stars shine the brightest. And soon enough the sun is sure to rise again on the next morning.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Best Days in My life

Two of the important days in my life are: first, the day I was born and second, the day I found the reason why.

The first part can be easily calendared. Commemorating it is identifiable, like today. Yes, today is my birthday. And I would like to believe that the world has been better because of it… Well, at least for my family and close friends. It may not be seamless but everyday I strive to be in that position.

The second part is rather vague. Have I gone to that stage? Now, on my 27th year, answer is, partly yes and partly no. It is still a continuous journey that I am enjoying. Everyday is new learning experience for me. And everyday I collect some snippets of my life’s anecdote to add it up to the repository of the reasons why. Key thing for me here is to perpetually seek for God’s guidance. That I may maximize all that I have (knowledge, talents, gifts, experience, and background) and further bring it to its full volition, for His greater glory.

This being said, I endeavor to make today and everyday the best days of my life!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Walking on the Dessert - Myself



Incidentally after writing my reflection on the lessons from the dessert… Surprise, surprise, fate brought me to the quintessential place itself – Egypt. Well, I did not exactly go to very location – but at least I was already close to it. No, I did not go there for spiritual sojourn, but for a business trip.

I stayed in Cairo and happened to drop by Alexandria – North of Egypt. On my way home, we stopped over in Dubai – where I spent another three days there. Will share the tales of my journey in my Pink Cadillac… But this is after I am done recounting my journey on my last year’s Euro-tour. (Am not yet done with my Rome and Vienna trip… which means, my Egypt blog may take some time… gulp!)

After being gone for two weeks, I am faced with tons of work. Am now singing, “Where do I begin?…” My officemates missed my presence so much, that this morning I had a hard time scheduling my time. I was torn between two meetings. Haaay! I wish the ones running after me were men, but no, they were work… But then again, would have probably preferred the latter. I actually do not need a legion of men. I only need ONE. And that ONE is still hard to find!

Oh well, am back. Back to my work, back to paying my credit cards, back to reality.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Lessons From the Dessert

I spent the holy week alone.

At first I was consumed with loneliness and grief that I hated myself and regretted my decision of not going home. I realized how badly I wanted to spend my time with my family. But after much thought, I realized my original intention of not going home. I wanted to spend that time for some serious solitary reflection. And in the end, I proved to myself that I made a right decision after all. The holy week had opened me to some realizations, that has enabled me now to appreciate the journey of life even more.

Allow me to indulge myself in sharing you one of my favorite reflections:

“The Lord Your God will lead you, and He will fight for you, just as you saw Him do in Egypt, and in the dessert…He went in front of them in a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day.” (Deuteronomy 1:30-31; 33b)

I like this verse very much. It talks about God’s guidance, protection, power and provision. Right from the beginning the Lord has never left the Israelites. In fact He was the One who led them along the journey. God designed everything from their exit to Egypt up to their final destination. Everything was perfect in accordance to His will. Everything – including the Israelite’s hardships under pharaoh. In fact, God Himself hardened the pharaoh’s heart - so that God would be able to make His power and glory known to all men. Nevertheless, God provided a way out for them.

Along their journey, God was with them. He led, fed and protected them. Despite their nomadic lifestyle, God made their living conditions comfortable. The pillar of light provided the people with adequate warmth and light. While the pillar of cloud protected them from the heat and other harsh elements. Not to mention of course the manna and sparrows which literally came from heaven.

Yet despite all these blessings the Israelites still remain ungrateful, always complaining, doubtful, and to some extent hard headed. As I read along, I always ask in unbelief … Why? … How come? … How could they?

As I sought for answers, I realized that I am no different from these Israelites. Looking at my life – I can see how God has blessed me. How those abounding goodness could not be possible without God. Truly, my past is a life worth living again. (That at times, I find myself wishing to go back to that life)

But like the Israelites, I must move on or else I would not reach the place where God destined me to be. Which I know is far better than my past.

And like the Israelites, I have become ungrateful, always complaining, doubtful and hard headed. In the corner of my room, in the stillness of the night, I secretly slip into a world of melancholy, loneliness, and hopelessness. I have failed to remember how God has blessed me before and how He can still bless me now and forever.

This realization made me see God’s light upon my present bleak feeling. The road to the Promised Land was never a paradise. But God made a way. He did not make a miraculous exhibition by turning the dessert into a garden. But in His own loving supervision He still provided something sufficient, but wonderful as well. Moreover, the pharaoh’s hardened heart was also an instrument in revealing God’s presence. There is such a thing as blessing in disguise. Indeed, all things work for good to those who love God. No matter how bad a situation may feel, beyond it lies God’s will who intended things to be that way for His greater glory.

This brings me to entrusting the Lord with my life. That no matter how things will be, I will remain in faith. Believing that He will be my Protector, Defender, Healer, Provider and Savior. His grace is sufficient for me.

May God always bless me and protect me from any harm. May I enter the promised land victorious.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Fresh Hot Summer Kiss

As I entered the parking lot, I have noticed how few the cars were. Entering the lobby, the office felt so gloomy. Silence greeted me as I went out from the elevator. As I sat on my desk, little by little, I felt the room temperature going down.

Most of my officemates are on vacation. With few people around, I literally feel so cold. It feels like a slow Monday morning for me. My lazy bones seem to dominate majority of my body. I feel so envious of those who are on their advance holidays right now. As my mind drifted outside the cold office building and into the hot summer sun, I felt guilty, as if I committed adultery, to my company for not exerting the effort I should be giving right now with my work.

Perhaps the silence and coolness of the room froze those hardworking cells in my body. Plus the idea of a fast approaching holiday prompted these wandering imaginations to activate and soar far from where I am sitting right now.

With eyes wide open, I stared pass through the office walls. I see a cool pool of blue-colored water. The expanse so wide, it has an infinite stretch, until the water meets the sky - forming a beautiful horizon. A calm peaceful view. I dream of the Mediterranean Sea. As I look up the fluffy Cumulus clouds forming like white cotton candies amidst the cool blue background, I smell serenity.

Before my thoughts could go any farther, and before I can even guess the shapes of the clouds, my phone rang. A business contact is coming over to meet with me. I looked at my watch. I must prepare for our meeting.

There goes my two-minute vacation - a vacation that took me to the silence of my mind; to the soul of my heart; and to the serenity of my spirit.

Now, I am back to work. Energized this time around. Ready to face the challenges for the day, with the glow of summer already in my heart!

Friday, April 07, 2006

WOOOF!!!

Ok here's my first taste of an on-line self quiz ... I do not know how this works yet. With fingers...err paws crossed, I wish this be posted successfully:

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Rhyanne, you're a Cocker Spaniel!

No bones about it, you're a perky, loving Cocker Spaniel. (Think Lady from Lady Tramp.) Playful and energetic, you're a real people person — er, dog. People can't help but fall hook, line, and sinker for your friendly, well-rounded personality and natural charm. It's a subtle thing, though — being outgoing and flirtatious, not showy, is the name of your game. Friends, co-workers, and potential dates can't help liking you. How could they not? Your winning-yet-humble ways make you popular, admired, and a joy to be around.


Take this test at Tickle

You're a Cocker Spaniel!

What Breed of Dog Are You?
Brought to you by Tickle

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Of Vegetable Salad and Mystery


With my “carrot” out of sight, out of touch, my friend kid me by telling me that there will be some other guys out there. He may not be in the form of a carrot, but probably a cabbage, or a string bean, or a celery and so forth… Hahaha! She never fails to make me smile with her astute comments.

Seriously, she may have a point. Indeed, there are lots of guys out there. And if I really am desperate for a boyfriend, well I can easily get myself one right now. There are cabbages, string beans, celeries, and all other kinds. Choices are so plenty that I can feast on a vegetable salad anytime I want to… But it’s my choice not to.

In as much as I do not want to get hurt, I also do not want to toy on someone else’s feelings. Neither would I settle for anyone – just for the sake of having one. Must I engage in some emotional connection, it should be with someone I am truly, deeply in to – and vice versa. Someone I respect, someone I care for, someone I love, and someone who feels the same for me.

I do not believe in flings. Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time. I choose to reserve my emotions, my heart, my soul for the real thing - for that special someone – whoever, wherever he may be. They say love moves in mysterious ways. I do believe it’s true because up until now, my man is still a mystery!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Lemonade From Lemons


Happiness is a state of mind. I am firm believer of this maxim. While we may have no control of things happening around us, we can control the emotions within us.

Yes, we have a choice. The power of the human mind is persuasive enough to predetermine the outcome of things in our life. If we say that life is difficult, then it will be. Negative outlook attracts negative vibes. Even a good gesture will be misinterpreted as otherwise, because the mind is already prejudiced. But if we say that life is wonderful, then it will be. A positive mind embraces everything with an open heart. No matter how bad the situation is, an optimistic attitude will keep things afloat.

True, life is like a roller coaster ride. We have our ups and downs. But every situation serves its purpose in our lives. Happiness makes us sweet; success builds our confidence; sorrow teaches us the frailty of our hearts; trials make us strong; failures remind us that we are human.

Emotions can sometimes be deceptive. Experience is not everything. The challenge here is not just to undergo and survive each experience. But to get the most out from it, by learning from it and applying its lessons - as we go on with our lives.

By nature, I am a melancholic person. I am a worrier. But I keep on reminding myself to let go and let God. We should view life as a gift. It its not merely an experience to endure, but a journey to enjoy.

We live in an imperfect world. Life’s challenges will always be here. Those who are best prepared will have the best experience. What could be a better preparation than psyching yourself to be happy – at all times, regardless of the circumstance? So if life brings you lemons, make some lemonade!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Tag on "My Eight Different Points of a Perfect Lover"

I got tagged by Baby Pink. My first tag ever… Let’s see how this works.. I need to comply with the tag and follow instructions:

“The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.2. Need to mention the sex of the target.3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.”

Eight different points for a peferct lover?… Sounds difficult than it seems. I may have some ideals in mind but I never thought of putting it into writing. Writing it would officialize it. And it is scary. What if no one can fit into the mold?

Yes, no one is perfect. And the search for that ideal partner may be a journey to forever. But it should not stop me from setting at least some standards. Otherwise, I would be entertaining whoever drops into my doorstep. These standards can be my guide not to Mr. Right, but to the right person for me.

Enough of all the fuzzies and the wuzzies, here’s to complete my task from the tag. Here’s the 8-point agenda to my heart.

Target: Male

Points:

1. A faithful Christian. Someone who has a deep personal relationship with God. I believe that if he won’t break God’s heart, then he won’t break mine! Seriously, he should inspire me as to fall in love more with Christ. Afterall, he will be the spiritual head of the family.

2. Profound and insightful. For me, the sexiest part in a man’s anatomy is his brain. He should be mentally engaging and intellectually stimulating. I do not mean here a high-IQ, rocket scientist guy. But more on having the EQ and the maturity. Someone who can carry on conversations – light and serious topics alike. I want someone who can widen my horizon, teach me new paradigms, and inspire me to discover uncharted dimensions in my life. The more I learn from a man, the more I admire him.

3. Responsible and should have good leadership qualities. I believe that my man should take the lead in our relationship. I am to be his partner, his helpmeet, his support. And for me to fully entrust everything about our relationship, I need to be confident that he is man enough to handle such responsibility. He should have a good sense of vision and direction. With that, I fully give my support, and go with him all the way.

4. Determined and Creative. In other words, he should be a man of action. It’s not enough that he has his dreams and visions. But he should be determined and creative enough to bring his volitions into full ignition. Case in point, if he wants me – he has to pursue me, despite any obstacles – my probable indifference included.

5. Funny and sweet. Someone who’s natural and comfortable to be with; Someone who can make me smile; Someone I can laugh with; Someone who can tickle my emotions and play with my fancies. I love simple little surprises. How I wish my guy would be creative enough to give me some simple little surprises once in a while. Hey, just a wish, not a mandate. But it would be 100 bonus points if he is!

6. Deep. I want someone who can see right through me, beneath my physique. Someone who lsees me through my heart and my soul. And he will recognize, appreciate, and cherish the beauty that he sees.

7. Strong, Comforting, Reassuring. Most people in the office sees me as a paradox of being tough and sweet. Little do they know, that this blend of divergence is but a covering for my weaknesses. Oftentimes I get overwhelmed, thus bringing me to a few episodes of melancholy. How I wish to have a strong shoulder to lean on, a listening ear to talk to and some tender arms to embrace me after a hard day’s work. There are times in my life that I feel tired of acting strong. There are times in my life that I wish I could let down my guards and be weak – knowing that I have some strong, comforting and reassuring arms to run to.

8. Someone who’s good at something that I am not. For some reason I am attracted to some men who excel in things that I don’t – either one of the following: sports, math, or playing a musical instrument. Probably the admiration is there because he compensates for something that I lack.

Reviewing my list, I had the impression that all the things listed were all to benefit me, me, and me… But it’s not. Relationship is a two-way street. The more I receive, the more I give. As I always tell my friends, “If a man treats like a princess, I’ll treat him like a king.” I am fully aware that I need to do my part as well. For me to find the right person for me, I need to be the right person for him as well. The same standards that I apply on him, is the same criteria that I have for myself. This is the active preparation I was talking about at the start of the year. And yes, I am still a work in progress. And hopefully, by the time we meet – it’s going to be a match made in heaven!

Now, the following people I'm going to tag next:

1. Anna
2. Lanee
3. Maxi
4. Andy
5. Dindo
6. Nines
7. Kittin
8. Marvin

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Here Comes the Twist.. Errr, The Groom

Ex Boyfriend is getting married. Heard the news over the weekend. And since the news was broken to me, I received several queries asking me, “How are you”… How am I? I’ve got two answers.

If the person asking me is a friend closer to my ex than me – I reply nonchalantly, telling them that I am happy for him and I wish him well. And in all honesty, I truly am happy for him. I hope for him nothing but the best. I hope that he has finally come to know the true meaning of love. I hope he now knows how to love, to give, to compromise, to sacrifice. I hope the marriage they will build is anchored on love, trust and respect. May he love his wife with a deep, passionate and devoted kind of love – only for her.

But if the person asking me is a friend closer to me, I’d let down my guard and tell them that I am happy for him and I wish him well … but of course I am not fine! I am sad. Not because I still have feelings for him, and his marriage finally seals the end of our chances. No. I have no inch of a feeling for him. I am sad, practically out of pride.

He is getting married. He is moving to another chapter. He has elevated, promoted on to a different level now. While me, I am still single, unattached and living all alone. Compared to him, it makes me look like I am stuck in the forlorn pit.

But then again, who cares about what other people think? What matters most is what I think and what I feel. Screw to what they may think. I do not need to have a man to prove to them that I have indeed gotten over him. Having a man to “complete” me is totally nonsense. I am complete on my own. I need no man to define me, nor my happiness. Sure, I’d like to be with someone someday. But this is not the only important thing in life. Having that “special someone” is like an icing on the cake. A bonus. A sweetener.

Besides, I have no feelings anymore for him. I have moved on. (I’d rather think of my “carrot” than him) Whether married or single, it does not matter to me at all, specially after knowing the fact that he has an illegitimate child from some other woman. No, not his fiancĂ©. And not from the lady I caught him with before. A different lady – who as per credible source, got pregnant while my ex and I were still together. And surprise, surprise! I found out just recently as well. (Funny, how my past is catching up with me right now) When I learned about this, everything was in a blur. Our past, our relationship, our love – was all a lie! After discovering that there was not one, not two, but three of us then – I wanted go back in the past and re-write everything. I cried, I grieved, I mourned - in vain.

How come I know all of these things just now? I think it was just a matter of timing. Probably God designed it to be this way. That experience, no matter how painful it was, made me a better, stronger and more mature person. Had I learned about it early on, that experience could have a different effect on me. I may have gotten over him so soon. But it could have embittered me as well – not only to him but to men in general, and to love in its entire spectrum.

Finally, questions have been answered; riddles solved; chapters closed. Meanings and explanations of what I deemed to be then unfair circumstance began to crystallize. While I know that not all questions in life will be answered, I realize that some will be answered in due time… on it’s opportune schedule. Discovering these truths just right now entailed me to buy some time to heal and recover. So that once these bitter realities are presented to me, it would not impress a far more pressing pain that it already has. Thus, when I heard this latest twist – I was not affected. I thought of nothing but recognizing how the end of us brought me a blessing in disguise.

Looking now at a different perspective, he’s getting married… He’s tying the knot. While I may be single still, but this means I am free!

Ahhh! The sweet scent of freedom!

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Closed Chapter

A tiny surprise dropped by in my inbox this morning. My ex emailed me. After a long time of no communication with him, it was unexpected for him to get in touch with me.

I consider this a major thing for him. Knowing him, he’s not the type to do this. His pride repudiates him from doing so. As in the past – I can never recall him saying. “I’m sorry.” It was me who always end up saying it, even if the fault was not mine. Is this his way now of saying it? What is he up to?

But what is more astonishing is not his gesture of communicating with me, but my reaction. Zilch. I felt nothing after reading it. No emotions at all. No excitement, no delight, not even pain, nor anger. I was totally unprepared for this but I am quite happy of my reaction. I have proven to myself that I am over him, and that I have finally moved on.

Not wanting to glorify him, I made a decision in the past to stop writing about him and the sad tale of our broken love. But this time, it’s different. This time is a celebration of a happy and stronger heart.

Just to quote from a few lines I wrote before:

“Funny thing is I look back now and smile instead of cry; laugh instead of scream; remember instead of regret. And for the rest of my days I will smile upon these thoughts for I know that it was not done in vain – but in love.”

This time I really mean it. This line is more apt for me say now than ever before.

Yes, I would like him to be my friend. So I emailed him back. Friendship – it’s all there is. As for him emailing me? I wonder what’s with him that prompted him to build the bridge he once burnt?… Must be a new year’s resolution? But that does not matter anymore. What matters most is that we are friends again. Yes, friends - in the truest sense of the word... I have moved on.

Monday, January 02, 2006

A New Year


2005 was different from my tumulus 2004. As I faced the dawn of 2005, I declared it would be a year of “restoration” for me. And at its end, my self-prophecy for 2005 was proven to be true.

Doors of opportunities were opened. Career wise, this year has been so good to me. Travel and leisure was equally great. Family life was also amiable. My social circle also expanded a bit. All of these contributed much to my personal growth.

Yes, 2005 was a great year indeed. I would like to thank my family and friends for sharing with me all the joys and sadness in 2005. There were sweet victories. Their presence made it all the more gratifying! I would also like to thank my God for blessing me with such a fruitful year. Where I am right now is part of His great plan for me.

As I face now 2006, I still am quite unsure of what this year will bring me. For some strange reason, I had some negative “vibes” for myself this year. It’s a mixed feeling of anxiety and vigilance. Premonition? I hope not… I pray not. Yet incalculable, I determine to make this year better for me. Amidst these uncertainties, I will press on. I have entrusted my faith on Him.

2005 may have been a good year for me, but I am pretty sure that the best is still yet to come. So here comes another self-prophecy declaration – 2006 will be a year of active “preparation” for me!