Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Here Comes the Twist.. Errr, The Groom

Ex Boyfriend is getting married. Heard the news over the weekend. And since the news was broken to me, I received several queries asking me, “How are you”… How am I? I’ve got two answers.

If the person asking me is a friend closer to my ex than me – I reply nonchalantly, telling them that I am happy for him and I wish him well. And in all honesty, I truly am happy for him. I hope for him nothing but the best. I hope that he has finally come to know the true meaning of love. I hope he now knows how to love, to give, to compromise, to sacrifice. I hope the marriage they will build is anchored on love, trust and respect. May he love his wife with a deep, passionate and devoted kind of love – only for her.

But if the person asking me is a friend closer to me, I’d let down my guard and tell them that I am happy for him and I wish him well … but of course I am not fine! I am sad. Not because I still have feelings for him, and his marriage finally seals the end of our chances. No. I have no inch of a feeling for him. I am sad, practically out of pride.

He is getting married. He is moving to another chapter. He has elevated, promoted on to a different level now. While me, I am still single, unattached and living all alone. Compared to him, it makes me look like I am stuck in the forlorn pit.

But then again, who cares about what other people think? What matters most is what I think and what I feel. Screw to what they may think. I do not need to have a man to prove to them that I have indeed gotten over him. Having a man to “complete” me is totally nonsense. I am complete on my own. I need no man to define me, nor my happiness. Sure, I’d like to be with someone someday. But this is not the only important thing in life. Having that “special someone” is like an icing on the cake. A bonus. A sweetener.

Besides, I have no feelings anymore for him. I have moved on. (I’d rather think of my “carrot” than him) Whether married or single, it does not matter to me at all, specially after knowing the fact that he has an illegitimate child from some other woman. No, not his fiancĂ©. And not from the lady I caught him with before. A different lady – who as per credible source, got pregnant while my ex and I were still together. And surprise, surprise! I found out just recently as well. (Funny, how my past is catching up with me right now) When I learned about this, everything was in a blur. Our past, our relationship, our love – was all a lie! After discovering that there was not one, not two, but three of us then – I wanted go back in the past and re-write everything. I cried, I grieved, I mourned - in vain.

How come I know all of these things just now? I think it was just a matter of timing. Probably God designed it to be this way. That experience, no matter how painful it was, made me a better, stronger and more mature person. Had I learned about it early on, that experience could have a different effect on me. I may have gotten over him so soon. But it could have embittered me as well – not only to him but to men in general, and to love in its entire spectrum.

Finally, questions have been answered; riddles solved; chapters closed. Meanings and explanations of what I deemed to be then unfair circumstance began to crystallize. While I know that not all questions in life will be answered, I realize that some will be answered in due time… on it’s opportune schedule. Discovering these truths just right now entailed me to buy some time to heal and recover. So that once these bitter realities are presented to me, it would not impress a far more pressing pain that it already has. Thus, when I heard this latest twist – I was not affected. I thought of nothing but recognizing how the end of us brought me a blessing in disguise.

Looking now at a different perspective, he’s getting married… He’s tying the knot. While I may be single still, but this means I am free!

Ahhh! The sweet scent of freedom!

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Closed Chapter

A tiny surprise dropped by in my inbox this morning. My ex emailed me. After a long time of no communication with him, it was unexpected for him to get in touch with me.

I consider this a major thing for him. Knowing him, he’s not the type to do this. His pride repudiates him from doing so. As in the past – I can never recall him saying. “I’m sorry.” It was me who always end up saying it, even if the fault was not mine. Is this his way now of saying it? What is he up to?

But what is more astonishing is not his gesture of communicating with me, but my reaction. Zilch. I felt nothing after reading it. No emotions at all. No excitement, no delight, not even pain, nor anger. I was totally unprepared for this but I am quite happy of my reaction. I have proven to myself that I am over him, and that I have finally moved on.

Not wanting to glorify him, I made a decision in the past to stop writing about him and the sad tale of our broken love. But this time, it’s different. This time is a celebration of a happy and stronger heart.

Just to quote from a few lines I wrote before:

“Funny thing is I look back now and smile instead of cry; laugh instead of scream; remember instead of regret. And for the rest of my days I will smile upon these thoughts for I know that it was not done in vain – but in love.”

This time I really mean it. This line is more apt for me say now than ever before.

Yes, I would like him to be my friend. So I emailed him back. Friendship – it’s all there is. As for him emailing me? I wonder what’s with him that prompted him to build the bridge he once burnt?… Must be a new year’s resolution? But that does not matter anymore. What matters most is that we are friends again. Yes, friends - in the truest sense of the word... I have moved on.

Monday, January 02, 2006

A New Year

2005 was different from my tumulus 2004. As I faced the dawn of 2005, I declared it would be a year of “restoration” for me. And at its end, my self-prophecy for 2005 was proven to be true.

Doors of opportunities were opened. Career wise, this year has been so good to me. Travel and leisure was equally great. Family life was also amiable. My social circle also expanded a bit. All of these contributed much to my personal growth.

Yes, 2005 was a great year indeed. I would like to thank my family and friends for sharing with me all the joys and sadness in 2005. There were sweet victories. Their presence made it all the more gratifying! I would also like to thank my God for blessing me with such a fruitful year. Where I am right now is part of His great plan for me.

As I face now 2006, I still am quite unsure of what this year will bring me. For some strange reason, I had some negative “vibes” for myself this year. It’s a mixed feeling of anxiety and vigilance. Premonition? I hope not… I pray not. Yet incalculable, I determine to make this year better for me. Amidst these uncertainties, I will press on. I have entrusted my faith on Him.

2005 may have been a good year for me, but I am pretty sure that the best is still yet to come. So here comes another self-prophecy declaration – 2006 will be a year of active “preparation” for me!