Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Just a Thought

It has been awhile since I left home and headed for Makati, in response to the calling of a lucrative work assignment. And now as I sit and contemplate about it, I am grateful for this break. However, a part of me is still somewhat apprehensive.

I am currently driving the whole communication and planning process from here in the head office down to field sales in the regions. A task I find so fulfilling, after building and institutionalizing the process flow – out from scratch. Truly, I am blessed with the wisdom, the attitude, the opportunities, and the support that I need for my job. However, there are moments that I ask myself, “Is this the life I want for my life?” Deep inside, I want to settle down, be married, and be a housewife. But I am doing the opposite. Laboring from 7:30 am to 10:00 pm everyday, working my way up the corporate ladder. It seems like I want one thing, but I am doing the opposite of it.

But then again, this may not be the life I want, but could this be the life that God wants for me? So that through my life – with my position and influence, I can be a blessing to others. This could be my ministry. And God could have wanted to bless me even more but with my resistance and reluctance I am tying His hands?

The greatest tragedy in life is failing to live out the purposes God has planned in our lives. I do not want to experience this tragedy. And so I ask for God to forgive me for my stubborn mind, and for my lack of faith. I should live my life in the way He has willed it to be, and not in the way I want it to be. For as high as the heavens are from the earth, so is God’s wisdom from mine. This is a recommitment for me to submit to His will and follow Him, where He will lead me.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Breaking My Silence

And so I’m back… Yeah, it has been pretty silent lately here in my Pink Patio. In fact, can see the silver-gray cobwebs glistening, and the powdery dust trickling like snowflakes. But here I am with a broom on my left hand and a feather duster on my right.

Things at work have been very busy and stressful for me, even to the point of feeling laden at the thought of blogging - which ironically is a stress-reliever for me.

So what have I been to lately? … Where do I begin?

Shall I write about my Work?

My Work, who has become like a boyfriend to me – and a very demanding one at that. Always on my thoughts from the moment I see the morning sun, until I gaze upon the night stars. And how mutual it is to know that my work is always here for me too 24/7. My Work, to whom I have poured out my heart, my passion and my emotions. My Work, who has pushed me to go beyond my inhibitions and other perceived outer limits. Thus, widening my horizons along the process.

Although recently it has been like a roller coaster ride of emotions from a high of proud accomplishment and satisfaction, to the gush of stress and pressure, down to the lowest ebb of confusion and fear … fear of taking risks, and most of all, fear of failing.

Shall I write about my brother?

My brother has just started to live on his own as well. There is no doubt that he will survive. What unsettles me is that he will soon be facing the mature world. I hope the morals and the values we have tried to inculcate will soon take its roots and lead him to where he ought to go.

Shall I write about my parents?

Looking at them watching their kids grow. I know they are proud of us. Indeed they have raised us well. But I feel their trepidation of watching us leave home. I hope to spare them from any form of empty nest syndrome. Wish time would just go back when we were still small – and would just freeze to that moment.

Shall I write about my plans?

The unit where I am currently living is for sale. Shall I buy it? Am I ready for this? This is something huge. This would mean changes in my lifestyle and occasionally sporadic shopping galore. Moreover, this would mean that I am beginning to see more of myself being permanent here in Manila. And beyond them, buying a house shows an indication of a step forward to adulthood. It’s big. For some unexplainable reason, I feel like it’s a commitment to something I do not know. I, myself, am confused. Weird, but this is something that perplexes me.

Shall I write about my Man?

My man who at this point is still a mystery to me. Is he persistently searching for me, just as I have been eagerly waiting for him? … Have we already met? And is he just looking at me from afar? And if so, what’s stopping him? Or have we not met? Where is he? Who is he? What’s delaying him? Is he with someone else right now? … Oops, another SINBAD (Single Income No Boyfriend Absolutely Desperate) on the loose right now! … Sorry…

Shall I continue to write? I think I have written enough. I have broken my silence, but I hope not to have tainted my patio with desperation and gloom. Well life is like this. Up and down. But after all that has been said, the important thing here is to let go and let God.

I am complicated thinker, I know. I always think and worry way ahead in advance. And this is something I am trying to deal with right now.
I know everyday will not be as bright and sunny as I would like it to be. But whenever I find myself engulfed in darkness, I remind myself to search for the stars. It is only in the black of the night that these stars shine the brightest. And soon enough the sun is sure to rise again on the next morning.