Friday, September 29, 2006

Blizzard

Yesterday has been a very rough day for me. It seemed as if all things were against me. It was like yesterday was a commemoration of theme, “Test-Rhyanne’s-Patience” Day. Starting on my way to the office until I was about to head off for bed.

I encountered scores of concerns and impediments that day – work, queer personalities, management decisions, and typhoon “Milenyo”. Through it all ,I tried to keep my composure. It was pretty tough. There’s this tug-o-war inside me to either let my emotions aflame or extinguish it. At best, the only thing I could do is to try to contain the occasional sparks ignited by yesterday’s trepidations.

Never in my life did I feel oh so alone and lonely. I was about to have another meltdown.

But just before I called the end of yesterday, I was enlightened. As I sat at the footstool of my bed last night, recalling what a day it has been, I realized that it was not so bad after all. I thanked the Lord for what happened, and for what did not happen.

Instead of complaining for making us report to work still – despite the declared signal number 3 storm, I thanked God for keeping me safe. Not everyone who was on the road yesterday was out of harm's way. Trees were uprooted, branches were flying everywhere, some billboards have collapsed. Some people were hurt. Thank God I was spared.

Instead of complaining about the meeting which our sales director called for until 7:00 PM (despite the fact that there’s a storm outside, and there’s only six of us left on the floor), I thank God that I have a stable job – in a prestigious multinational company at that.

Instead of complaining about the vacillation of some management decisions yesterday, I thank God for giving me the voice and putting me into a position where I can try to influence the management.

After coming home, instead of complaining about how long I waited for the elevator, and how many times it skipped me on my way to my unit, I thank God for providing us with a power generator. Albeit so slow, at least we still have some power supply. Whereas, many homes out there were suffering from total darkness – brought about by the power outage.

Lastly, instead of complaining about how the strong winds managed to let water through my house and how puddles and soaking carpets greeted me when I entered the room, I thank God for giving me an instant carpet wash. I have been meaning to have my carpet cleaned. But yesterday, I was provided with an instant solution – and free of charge.

I am amazed by how bad things can turn out into good things – depending on how you view the situation. So rather than moping on a self-pity party last night, I was rejoicing in grateful celebration. Things were bad yesterday, but it could have been worse… And so, I thank God for what happened and for what did not happen.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Random Thoughts

It’s hard to get back to business after such a long vacation. Concerns, issues, priorities – feeling so overwhelmed, it’s difficult sorting through an ocean of hurly-burly conglomerate matters. I sit facing my laptop, while my mind soars back to the big apple.

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It’s the annual registration for my car. But I do not know where and how to start. All those processes, documents, smoke emission tests and other requirements… I know nothing related to cars. This is so exasperating. Back home, at least I have my father who helps me with automotive concerns. But now I feel like I am an alien, being plunged into a strange world of cars, wheels and spark plugs.

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To quote an email I sent to my friend yesterday, “Don't worry much about the wedding preparation. Don't focus the plans on the wedding but on the MARRIAGE. Weddings last for a day, but marriage lasts for a lifetime :)” … Yeah, an advice coming from me – who’s single and never married. Where did I get that wisdom? … Hmmm, sometimes I amaze myself!

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When I went to the mall last Sunday, they were already playing Christmas songs. Goodness, Christmas is near. Wonder if something special is in store for me this Christmas?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Another Hopeless Case

I only realized that I like him when I was at the airplane. With nothing to do mid-air thousand miles from the ground, I looked at the pictures in my digicam... and when I looked at our picture, it reminded me of how we first met and how I felt about it.

I just realized it has been a long while since I felt this nice-happy-light feeling -after two years. So long a time, I almost forgot that this nice-happy-light feeling existed. Although I went out on dates in between those two years, but it was only this time again that I felt something once more.

But at the same time I am afraid. Admitting this feeling opens myself to vulnerability once again. Unsure if the feeling is mutual, I fear I might get disappointed and worse, rejected. Yet I know, as human as we are, we can never escape from pain. And if in case I get hurt from this experience, it's worth the try. I cannot contain wht this is I'm feeling, nor can I lie to myself. I cannot also afford to deprive myself from feeling happy. I have to let my inner child go out and be wild and free sometimes. Admittedly, I have caged myself on a hard shell to protect myself from getting hurt. A painless life I have lived... Painless but lonely.

As for us, I am well aware that our future together is very much uncertain. Hello, the distance and the time zone speak for themselves. But come what may. I live for the day, taking one step at a time. No expectations. And wherever the road leads us, even if it just takes us to a stagnant chummy bend - a pal or even just an acquaintance - I am thankful still because at least I have met one fine gentleman, who I can now call as my friend.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Slowly But Surely

It has been two weeks for me now here in New York. It is such a sweet reunion with my friends and distant relatives whom I have not seen for the longest time now.

But their usual question to me is, "Why are you still single?" The question I never fail to get after the kisses, the hugs and some brief updates. I hear it all the time, that it never surprises me anymore. For this, I have a ready answer - a smile. But at the back of my head I refute - Why not?

Yeah, why not? ... This does not necessarily mean that I am unattractive and dull. It just so happens that I have not found the right man yet. Sure, I have my standards. And there's no compromising. I have learned to be careful. For me, engaging into a relationship would mean a partnership for a lifetime. This is for keeps, till death do we part. This is a lifelong commitment. I need to be sure that I am up for it - the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. And this being the case, I should not settle for less. Heck, I would be better off alone, than be bound by someone who could only make me and my lifetime miserable. As it is, I am happy with my life now. Why try to complicate it?

Of course there's no denying that I still somehow feel the longingness for some companionship. But I stand firm on my grounds - slowly but surely. I know there is still somebody for me out there. It's just a matter if time. I can wait. Like I once said, patience is bitter but the fruit is sweet. This is not a race. I am not in a hurry. Haste makes waste. Only fools rush in. And again I say, I would be better off alone, than be bound by someone who could only make me and my lifetime miserable.