Monday, December 31, 2007

Onward 2008

Today is the last day of 2007. It is the time of the year where I put my world to a momentarily halt. Amidst the silence within me, I look back and reflect how I lived my life in this year that is about to close in a few minutes from now…

And so far, so good. Although nothing significant happened to me this year, but at least I am so glad that no bad thing transpired either. And whilst nothing pretty exciting took place, I believe this silent year is a foundational year - laying the grounds for the best that is yet to come…

What is this best thing to come? I used to have this picture of success in mind, of how I imagine my dream life would become. The vision so picture-perfect that every facet is quite defined even down to the minute detail. Every time I close my eyes I can feel and smell it – as if they were true. But as I open my eyes, reality strikes in and reminds me that it is all but a dream. As I look at my life right now, it is far from where I wanted it to become. Nor do I even see myself inching towards it.

2007 has been a year of reflection, evaluation, and scrutiny of my so-called picture of success. This is the year I have started to draft my alternative plans. This has been a year that I have started to challenge the status quo of my life and some of the instinctive choices I have made. This has been a year of finding my true North.

Exactly a year ago I prophesied “to meet my match made in heaven in 2007.” Hmmm??? Need I say more? Unless my Prince Charming will be delivered at my doorstep any minute by now by a meteor shower – then I would say that my self-declared prophesy has come true!

But wait! As I carefully study my words, I have said “meet”, didn’t I? So which means … Hmmmm… Who are the new people I have met this year???? Oh! Light bulb flashes on. Ting! Ting! Ting! Could it be him? … Or him? … Or him?... Dang! Had I known it, I should have not said “meet” but … I don’t know maybe… relate? Love? Or romance? (Woe! Such a strong word!)

But before I get all excited and jittery, Heart, I rebuke thee. Be still.
What if my “match made in heaven” is not a person, but a vocation, a career-shift, a change of something (like citizenship?), a different calling of some sort? Who knows? …. Well, I am partially open.

Now, at the brink of 2007, the quest for my true North lives on. Sadly, I have not yet defined that “Best Thing” to come. I do not know what exactly that is, nor in what form it will arrive… Neither when it will present itself to me. I am open for anything. Possibilities are endless, even the unexpected.

Just yesterday, a friend challenged me to be more open about taking risks. He warned me that no matter how well I plan my life, not everything would fall perfectly as planned. Well, I agree. Because these plans are all mine, sketched by a finite being whose sights are limited. And above me is a Higher Being, God, Who sees and Who knows everything.

What could be a broken dream, may mean a protection of something that could have been detrimental for me. Or maybe the time is not yet right. While those dreams are pending still – it can mean that God is at work in me, developing my character. I am certain of the Father’s love for me. I know He loves me so much to provide for me nothing but the best. This moment of waiting tells me to be patient towards all that is unsolved in my heart. All good things come to those who patiently wait for the Lord.

Dear God, I lay before you all my plans, my dreams, my aspirations, my heart. Be my Guide, my Light, my Star. Teach me in the way I should go. Direct my footsteps towards Your greater purpose. Amen.

What could be in store for me in 2008? …. Ah!...

From good to great in 2008.”

The Best I have not yet defined, and now the Great? …. Hah! Whatever those are, I know God is with me. He will provide for me a pillar of could by day and a pillar of light by night.

2008, here we come. Bring it on!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Times of the Modern Fairytale


“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I sounded final and decisive but deep inside I was uncertain.

It was raining for weeks inside my room - the night he said goodbye. I let him go with out even asking him for further explanation, because I wanted it to be easy for him. It was a difficult decision he had to make. And I had to respect it – even though it was equally difficult for me.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I am confused and I want to make a stern decision.

And so he left…But midway through his exit, he looked back and stopped. And while I closed the door, I left the windows open. There he stood by the gate-side, while I was looking out through my windows. We mocked on our goodbyes and eventually continued with what we had… but now only ten steps apart.

Afraid of getting hurt again, I am more calculative of my moves. I took a back seat and left all the works, moves and efforts to him. He proved himself to be a gentleman. I felt like a princess. But little did I know that he did not feel like a Knight at all. He felt he was a stable boy – tired and rejected.

Clearly, we have misunderstood each other. If only he knew how he made me feel. If only he know how I felt for him. But then again I am equally disappointed that he was not man enough to lead the charge.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I am afraid of getting hurt again.

I do not know if I should tell him. I do not want to sound needy, demanding and desperate. I am a princess and I deserve a knight who is willing to face the dragons and dark dungeons of uncertainties, doubts, even weariness. He must be valiant and strong.

I used to ascribe myself as Sleeping Beauty, who calmly rests on a canopy bed while waiting for her prince. But now I arise and wake from my slumber. This way I would be on guard and alert. Instead, I choose to akin myself with Rapunzel - sheltered high up in the tower reserved only for the true brave Knight who’s not afraid to face the heights and the thorny bushels.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I did not want to say it. But I had to. It is like a bitter pill that I must swallow.

I like him. I really do. But who am I to trust my heart? I am stupid in this area. I fall fast, I bruise like a peach, and I bleed easily.

Oh God, my heart is broken again. When do I learn my lesson? I entrust to You my heart for Your safekeeping. May You only give the keys of the tower to the one that You have prepared for me. Amen.


“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words… And so he left. I think this time he already went straight past through the gates… I would not know because the drapes are thick and dark.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Journey


I always view life as a voyage. We travel over time through the vast sea of life’s adventures. The peaks and troughs of the waves represent the highs and lows of our emotions; the ups and downs of our circumstances; our victories and losses.

As we sail on with life, we brave through different sorts of choices, hurdles, opportunities, challenges. While we face a thousand choices, we are sometimes left with no choice but to pick only one. Tricky part now is deciding which way to go? Trust the map? The instinct? The stars? The wind? The waves?

At this point in my life, I feel like I am engulfed in the immensity of my life’s journey. And I am confused on which path I should traverse. Do I abandon everything I have right now and pursue a different career somewhere else? Or do I risk all that I have in pursuit of a greater big adventure in some other part of the world? Or do I stay, endure for a while, and eventually reap what I have toiled for over the last years? Should I choose adventure? Exploration? Stability?

For so long a time, I have held on to my map. But now seems like I am even far from where I wanted to be. Well, am I reading the map in the right way? Or is it the right map for me in the first place?

Deep in my heart, I know what I want but it only seems like I am getting farther and farther from it. I cannot wait for the tides to bring me where the water flows. I must paddle through them, taking me to where I want to go.

Question is how?

Yes, life is a voyage. And now I am a one lost sailor. Frozen adrift, paralyzed by the consciousness of making the right decision. Dear God, please be my guide, my conductor… my Captain.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Complicated

Is love complicated?
Or is it just us?

We have learned to love each other.
Our love, unspoken but mutual.

Why can’t it be simple?
Why can’t we be together?

It’s hard, I know.
We have our personal issues.

Does this mean that in life, love is not enough?
Or we just don’t love each other enough?

But I only want what’s best for you
And I know you want the same for me too.

I have not known a love as pure and true as this.
You have taught me what genuine love is – selfless.

You love me.
So you went away.

I love you too.
That’s why I let you go.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Lights, Camera, Action!

I like watching reality TV shows. Sometimes I can be so engaged that I cry along with the characters. I share tears of joy with the newly made over geeky guys in Queer Eye. I feel the pressure and the thrill of my favorite aspirant on America’s Next Top model. I cry with happiness as my favored bachelorette is chosen by the Bachelor, and as he proposed to her on TV.

I do not know what is on reality TV that wins me over than the Koreanobelas nor the US TV series hits. I am more of an avid follower of even Pinoy Big Brother as compared to Grey’s Anatomy. Ask me about any Koreanobela. I know nothing. No offense to these genre but I’m equally dumbfounded, sometimes to the point of being embarrassed, over my preference. Probably it is the idea of any ordinary regular life - or shall we say reality - put on spotlight and given some showbiz flavor that adds to the drama of everything. It’s the concept of a real life given the flare of Showbiz.

It is a form of aspiration. If life is a stage, we are the actors. And yes, we are all living our own reality TV show of some sort. How you live your life is being viewed by the people you deal with everyday. Through your actions, you can present something either worthy of emulation or ridicule. Through your life choices, you can set something either worthy of inspiration or repugnance. Through your words, you can either offer encouragement or disappointment. Yes, people are watching and more often than not, depending on your span of influence, they follow you.

Life is not just about living. It is also how you touch the lives of others. And beyond that, life is how you follow Christ and submit to His will. The irony of life is not in living, but in dying to oneself.

While I content to the daily musings of my own bittersweet melodramatic life, I never expected to encounter an offer to join a reality TV program. Last night I received an invitation to join something more or less patterned after Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice”. Now, finally I have the chance of joining the bandwagon myself. Tempting. But at the end of our conversation I declined.

After watching and relating (vicariously) with so many reality TV personalities, I know the pressures they get. If these will be applied to me. I am afraid of the potential harm it can do to me. While I admire those who joined, this is a risk I cannot afford to loose - my values, my sanity, my integrity.

Already, life for me is complicated as it is. Participating in the program would only intensify my personal issues and battles. Anyway, my life is a soap opera on its own. Let me contend with it as I daily struggle to live a noble, moral and Godly life. Not to mention, my ever after wait over my Prince Charming. Now, this is a miracle-love story to watch out for! Cooming soon… Stay tuned.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

A Chance to Love Again

I know I have carried on a negative perspective on romantic love these past days. However I realized this is madness. All is fair in love and war. And I can never win in a battle against Cupid.

Love, no matter how painful, is actually a beautiful thing. Ironic, isn't it? In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. The irony of love is knowing when to hold on (even if you want to give up) and when to let go (even if you still want to hold on).

Yet despite its irony, love .. or the hope of loving again survives. Afterall, it what makes the world go round. It is what colors the world. It is what gives music to the songs. Love is an essential part of life... It is part of nature.

I may have been hurt, battered, and bruised with love. But no matter how I try to escape it, I never can. And partly because I also refuse to be calloused and insensitive.

When you love, you become vulnerable. You give the other person your heart. And when you give, you also give him the power to break your heart but trusting him that he would not. Loving and knowing that you are going to get hurt is like living and knowing that you are going to die. But not loving so you won't get hurt is like killing yourself before you die.

To love is to risk rejections; to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking nothing!

For all the heartaches and the tears, for the gloomy days and stormy nights, I am thankful for these were the moments which helped me grow. Instead of viewing my lovelorn past as a failure I am now looking at them as my teacher. Yes, I have learned a lot... and day by day I am finding my way back to love... one tiny step at a time.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Tears On My Pillow

I cried myself to sleep last night. I could not remember the last time I cried this hard. All I know that this is the first time I cried again for a guy after three years - after crying a river over my ex.

He is a special friend. Yes, we are just friends, but somehow both of us silently knew where it was heading. And so this unspoken understanding has brought us to set certain expectations with each other. But I have never realized how special indeed he is to me only after this whole friendship thing sort of got complicated. He has his issues. I have my issues.

What is so sad about this is that I have only come to see a different side of me for the first time. I never knew how I still carry the baggage of my past. I have gotten over my ex, but what I have not forgotten yet are the pain and the horrors it brought me – leaving me defensive and even paranoid.

If for any instance a certain feeling reminds me of my past (un-replied text, preoccupied mind, etc.), I shy away and hide behind a wall. What is more alarming though is that my thoughts now begin to wander and start to ponder if there could be someone else… another girl in his heart?

Scary!!! I am not like this before. What has happened to me? I have become a green-eyed ugly paranoid monster. Before, I used to be so open and trusting. Now, I am a hopeless case. Too hopeless that I want to give up. Down with romantic love!

I think I should start accepting a singular future. Because loving me would require extra patience, more strength, and a mega dose of determination. I need someone who could fight for me. Someone strong enough to break my wall; someone determined enough to calm my turbulent fears; and someone patient enough to help me through this journey. All in all, I just need someone who could hold my hand and pray with me, as I gain enough courage to find back my trust in love and in men.

And frankly speaking, I am not sure if such a man exists still? Using the general law of averages, most men shrivel at the sight of testing. They have stopped the pursuit. Is chivalry dead? Have they changed costumes from shining armors to tin foils?

All I wanted is for him to pursue me. Period.

I cried that he is not brave enough to help me in my battle against myself. I cried that he is not supportive enough to give me the reassurance I needed. I cried that I cannot also help him deal with his issues… I don’t know how. I cried because now that it’s all done and broken, there is no way of knowing if it can go back to the way things were. I cried for him. I cried for me. I cried for these and for so many other reasons.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Mind Games

I promised myself to learn how to play the game. Not to fall too fast, too soon. Well, it's too late now. I think I already did... But I think I have to let you go.

This thing we have is causing me so much pain. And again I am plumetted into a web of confusion. If you love me, show it. If you are really my knight in shining armor, prove it. And stop pushing me... if you have no plans on catching me when I fall.

Why do you play these mind games with me? Is it fun making me love you, then you backing out? Do you enjoy the fact that I am an easy hopeless romantic target, that I will love you always?

If so, well maybe I'll just stop. Then what? Game's over.... I guess you lost.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Learning The Art of Letting Go

If life is a game, to me, it is all about winning. Yes, I am an achiever. I felt like I was born to win all the time. I hate the stench of defeat. The pursuit for perfection has always been my passion. Mediocrity is not in my dictionary.

I challenge myself to always be a cut above the rest. I am conscious at all times to stamp my works with my own seal of excellence and quality. I make it a point to set a higher standard than the norm. This is just to keep me up on my toes that I may not be complacent and rest on my laurels.

Indeed, this philosophy has brought me to where I am right now and what I have achieved, so far. While the journey getting here has never been easy, it has always given me the comforting feeling of winning… or has it?

Lately, I just realized that this pursuit of mine is an irony. I work hard and push myself to the limits, so that I can enjoy and be happy. However, the very same quest is giving me so much pressure and unhappiness.

I have realized that I have the tendency to put off living in the present. I’m all too fixated of building that great rosy future, my eyes focused on the far ends of the horizon, dreaming of some magical rose garden. Too far has my sights gone that I have failed to enjoy the tiny buds slowly blooming – just outside my window.

Little did I realize that I am my own worst critic. I demanded more from myself. Now, am slowly adjusting my reigns. Sigh! … I am trying to learn the art of letting go.

Monday, July 02, 2007

On The Choices We Make...


If you want to be happy.... BE!

Life is filled with surprises. Yes, we live in an imperfect world populated with imperfect people (ourselves included). But at the end of the day, it is what we feel and think inside our hearts that really matters.

Happiness is a state of mind. The traffic may be jammed, the deadline might be short, the critics may be so annoying, the bills so overwhelming, the gossip about you - so not true! ... Now, it is a choice to either react in the situation... or respond.

I know it is not a bed of roses. Indeed life can be tough at times. And yet, the whole point of living is not about suffering and enduring the pain. Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass ... it is about learning to dance in the rain.

So now go and make your choice... React? Or respond?... To be? Or not to be? However way you choose - it is still your choice.

Now be careful, because one choice leads to another. The choices we make today could either be a consequence or a fruit that awaits us tomorrow.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

My First Time As The Maid of Honor

In so far as I could remember, I have always taken the role of being the emcee during weddings. I wonder why? But invitations, after invitations, the designated role for me is always on the mic. It seems to me that it is like my calling, just as nuns have their divine calling.

So when Corinne asked to accept the honorary role, I was overjoyed. (But actually I was already expecting it). I have always wanted to be part of the entourage because finally, here’s a chance for me to relax and sit pretty during the reception.

A month before the wedding, Corinne asked me if I can be the emcee as well. I smiled… somehow this emcee thing has always a way of catching up with me.

Going back to Corinne’s wedding, so far, everything has been prepared but on some occasions the unpredictable fact of life drops to visit us with a surprise or two. It was first time for me to see Richard so stressed and harassed, being a cool and steady guy that he is. As for Corinne, I just kid her aside jokingly reminding her not to morph in becoming a bridezilla. Even on me, I did not like my dress. It was the most boring gown I have ever seen. I wanted to react, but it would only add fuel into the fire. I controlled myself thinking that this is not my wedding. It’s not about me. So forget it.

Wedding day came, everything was frenzy. I was in charge of looking after both of the bride’s and groom’s mothers. That day reminded me of Nia Vardalos’s “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. All the pandemonium was stirred by almost everyone during the make up and gown fittings. But all the commotion was silenced as I came face to face with my dress. Blah!... I wonder how I can pull it off. It’s all now in the matter of attitude and how I carry it. Fortunately, I found some pins and a ribbon that enabled me to work my way through a solution, giving that humdrum of a garb some contrasting accent and some stylish punch!

Minutes before the ceremony, I was preoccupied attending to the biddings of the bride - walking here and there, to and fro. So occupied I was that during my walk, I almost forgot that I was already walking in the “walk”. And so halfway through, I straightened up and beamed with all the smiles I can give. I said to myself, this could be the walk of my life. I am quite uncertain if I will ever get a chance to be a maid of honor again? So while I walked (although already halfway through), I cherished the moment. I wanted to savor and relish it. I wanted to remember it… This could be my last.

Everything went smoothly from the church to the reception. My usual emcee routine went fine as well. Makes me wonder now, “Will I emcee my own wedding?” … But another BIGGER question is … will I ever get married in the first place? Hahaha!

I think I have learned to appreciate weddings more than ever before. Being a maid of honor, it has given me a glimpse of what happens before the actual day. Now I can understand why people (most specially the brides) act the way they do, before and during the wedding. Yet, for all its madness, it was fun and yeah, memorable.

Toast to the newlyweds! May you have a long lasting and solid relationship as you journey on together for the rest of your lives. May the love you have each other be stronger than ever.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

A Beautiful Love Story Afterall!

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Fact of life: The death of one thing leads to the birth of another.
In this case, it really was indeed… Corinne and Richard’s love story blossomed after my bittersweet romance concluded to a tearful ending.

Flashback 2004… After I hung up the phone with my ex, I immediately dialed Corinne’s number, seeking for refuge and words of comfort. Ever since then, she would daily check on me to see how I was doing, and that I do not loose too much weight from not eating and sleeping. (Dramatic huh? Hehehehe.. it was my first official heartbreak.. it’s normal, so allow me to indulge in that stage – THEN)
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On the other hand, I was also in touch with my ex’s housemate, Richard. Somehow through him, I felt I was still connected with you guessed it right, my ex. (Yeah, I know, I know, how pathetic I was. But that was in the past – alright?) But instead of giving more information on my ex, Richard would divert the topic on me, reminding me to take the past aside and take things one day at the time.
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I say that I’m quite fortunate to be blessed with an abundance of friends who helped me through the rain. But of all, it was Corinne and Richard who never skipped a day without finding me out. Corinne, amongst my female friends, and Richard amongst my male friends, were the most steadfast of all in trying to help me “survive”.
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Then came one Sunday morning, out from nowhere, I thought of both of them. I was actually busy at that time packing my clothes for a business trip. Sorting through a pile of clothes, I reflected how blessed I am to have friends like them. Several minutes later, a brilliant idea struck me… Immediately, I grabbed my phone and forwarded each other’s mobile numbers. Then I sent a follow up text message, “Corinne, meet Richard. Richard, meet Corinne. No expectations. Just be friends and go with the flow.”
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I have never played, nor even attempted, a matchmaker role before. But somehow I felt they were right for each other. Although I was also quite unsure if they would click. But hey, no expectations, just friends and go with the flow.
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Three years passed, the flow has led them from friends to lovers. In ten days time, they will be tying the knot. Yes, a day before my birthday! Who would have ever thought that my then called tragic love story would end with a happy ending after all?… Well, not only for them but also for me!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Merry Month of May

When I was a kid, May is my favorite month of the year. A little more, if not at par, with December. At the dawn of May 1, the countdown begins till the eve of the month's end. It is not the parties nor the cake, not even the gifts... (hmmm.. partially the gifts) that excites me. What gives me the thrill is the fact that I am another "stage" higher... or at least that was what I thought.


Now, at the middle of the month of May, I however feel no longer the same anticipation as I used to. Already in my late 20's I know now what it feels like to be a grown woman. I know life is full of uncertainties. Growing up, I painted some visions of how I wanted my dream life to be. Some of it were realized. I smile for those blessings received. While there were some that clearly went unfulfilled. I cried (for a time) for those broken dreams. But after a while, I wipe my tears and whisper a prayer of thanks. Because I know that things happen for a reason. While I may not completly understand the will of God, I simply have to trust in His wisdom and love for me.

But what ignites me more is knowing the fact that I still have some pending dreams - that are still on their way of becoming a reality. And these are the ones that give me hope. They give me something to look forward to. And so in fervent prayers and ardent anticipation, I put all my faith and trust in the Lord. I hope to have my one wishful dream come true - just in time... and hopefully soon!



Saturday, May 05, 2007

Something About Me

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Brother Bear

I am not so close with my brother as I am with my sister. Unlike my sister, I do not have the luxury to have an intimate discussion with him on life, the world, and everything. It his hard to know what is on his mind. Let alone, even try to advice him on his ways of this world. He has a world of his own - with a different set of rules, defined by himself.

Many times in the past, my sister and I tried to influence him on his ways with the ladies. As ladies ourselves, we wanted to convert our brother into a gentleman and take him away from the mediocre mold of men in general, that only frustrates us women. However, his testosterone levels are so way dominant for our frustrations (in behalf of the female specie), to be heard.

Then suddenly, one evening, I got a surprise call from my brother. He and his girlfriend had a fight. Never have I witnessed him so desperate. Knowing him, he just wanted some sympathy and not advice. So I jsut gave him my usual oh's and ah's. Because I know my words will only be drowned against the backdrop of his own ideals.

But after we hung up the phone, he still cannot be still. And so I gave another call. This time, will tell him what I have been telling him before. Take it or leave it. And this is what I had to say"

"You do not just stay in a relationship when things are good and run when things are bad. You stay at the very moment where you are needed the most. It is in this hard time that you develop more patience and understanding for each other. If you say you love her, go and prove it. Fight for it. Do not run away. You show your love not by enforcing yourself to her.. but by winning her heart. All she needs is your attention, respect, and care. If you say it's over... then it is. The moment you give up, is the moment you decided the end of it. "

After my speech, he was stunned. For the very first time, he said nothing but thanks and put the phone down.

Whew! Feels so good to let it off my chest right now! But am not sure if my words sank deep for him to digest and more importantly act on it.. Am very sure he did not hear what he wanted to hear. But I gave him what he needed to.

After several minutes later, he sent me a text message, "I will win her back. Maybe I was too reactive. Thank you. You really are my ate. I love you."

Hallelujah! I can hear the echoes of angels singing on the clouds when I read this message. For the very first time, my brother took my advice! At least I was able to influence him and make him see. But more importantly is that he shed off his pride and listened - finally!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Sweet Surrender

Everyday we face an abundance of things, situations, irritations, inconveniences, ailments, even personalities beyond our control. While it is but human nature to react and try to change it according to what we deem best, some (if not most) of it are out of our hands. And we just end up sulking in the corner with frustrations on our side.

It is in times like these that I remind my self of Reinhold Niebhur’s prayer of serenity,

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
The courage to change
the things I can,
and the wisdom to
know the difference
.”

I have heard of this so many times before, but it is only now that it has pierced right through my heart, consuming every fiber of my being. As if, it spoke to directly me.

If we feel that we have done everything, if we feel we have given our best – and still to no avail, probably the best way is not to fight against it, but to work around with it. If we cannot control them or change them – according to our way, we must learn to let go and let God.

We have heard enough about stuff that tells us to keep going and never give up. To hold an have faith. To fight until we win… But what if in the end, the very thing we have hoped for was not really meant to be? Shall we continue the fight? Or give up, with faith?

At this point we all have varying needs and desires in our hearts. We may be wishing to live a different life we are living right now, or to have possession over something we can’t have, or even trying to get rid of something we already have (imperfect husband/wife, dysfunctional family, obstinate officemates, distressing disability, etc.). Whatever the situation is, we must learn to endure them cheerfully thinking, “God wills it, so be it.”

To quote Jim Eliot, “Don’t be physically present but mentally somewhere else, thinking of the future or of the past, thinking of some place else. Our journey with Christ requires that we may be fully present in the present.”

It is only by living a life of surrender that one learns to live by faith. This gives us the yield to center our attention on God- not on our frustrations, not on our problems, not on our destitution, not on what nor how we feel.

God’s plan is beyond our comprehension. Instead of asking why, ask what…. What is it that He wants us to learn (or do) in our respective present circumstances?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

To The ONE That God Has Prepared For Me

I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me. If like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended.

I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic asthe ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions.

You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways!

I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging on to my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me -the life I shall spend with you.

In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice. After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect - for YOU!

I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other Iwould slowly heal those wounds by my love.

At night, I would look out my window and stare at th ebeautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you.

And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you areworth the wait.

And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst thesimple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you!

In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned thec ourse and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

To Solve A Mystery

February 14 – just like any other normal day… I know, I know, it is a special celebrated date for lovers of all ages, shapes and sizes. But as for me, it is just another day in the calendar. Last year, me and my team worked until 12 midnight – preparing for our regular regional monthly meeting. This year, that meeting was set on this very date.

However, unlike our previous meetings – we were way delayed our agenda and schedule. The regional presentations took longer than expected, brought about by the number of operational issues we had at hand. The discussion was so intense that nobody seemed to mind that we could possibly end later than usual. I guess even those with “significant romantic partners” forgot that it was indeed their day. The expression on our faces probably disappointed Cupid and his cohorts.

Then suddenly late afternoon, I saw a delivery guy peeping through the glass opening of the door. I was presiding the meeting of 15 people in the room. Beside me was my officemate who is still at the honeymoon stage with her boyfriend. I had a feeling that the flower was for her. I allowed the delivery guy to interrupt the meeting for a while.

Silence…

The people in the room were quite stunned over this unfamiliar unexpected “intruder”. But I nodded to signify my approval to proceed. While the delivery guy was walking from the opposite end of the room, I was already teasing my officemate, while the rest was looking at him with a puzzled yet ardent anticipation for whom the flowers were. As he was already near us, I pushed my officemate to receive the flower.

But the delivery guy looked past at her and straight at me and said, "For Miss Rhyanne".

Everyone was already teasing me. But my mind was too busy to mind their jest. Questions raced my mind. First, am quite surprised how the delivery guy knows me? Or was it by accident that he looked straight into my face? Secondly, how he knew I was at the meeting room? (Usually the flowers were left at the lobby for pick up). Third, from whom it was? The question on the giver was last on my list because I am suspecting that it was my team who gave it to me.

Wiping off my bemused expression, I shyly accepted the flowers. It was a lovely bouquet of 12 pink long stemmed budding roses, wrapped neatly in a pink native weaved Sinamay mat, with some yellowish trimming on the side, and tied together so elegantly in a golden bow. It is indeed pretty. Who ever gave this to me must be somebody who knows me relatively well to give me something of my taste and liking. I owe it to the giver to say that I somehow feel that the bouquet described my personality: pretty, posh, and pink.

Feeling like I have won the Miss Universe contest, I smiled as I looked at my team to thank them. But they were like “Huh?” They denied my allegations. Looking at my regional associates, I looked at them with a suspecting look. But they too gave me a quizzical look.

Suddenly, I felt like the spotlight was on me. And so I snapped back to my senses and resumed with our meeting.

As soon as our meeting ended my team crowded over me, waiting for me to open the card. Only a happy valentine greeting was written. There was no name from who it came from. Looking back at them I made them swear if it came from them. But they swore that it did NOT come from them, although they like the idea that i suspected them.

Now, the case of the mysterious flower giver is open.

Donning on to my closest Veronica Mars rednition, I scurried through a few candidates on my list ranging from my mother, my gurlette group, etc.. But after ruling out some facts and evidences, my list was narrowed into the following:

Suspect number one: The Boss.

Not that he is in love with me or something. But as a paternal gesture of wanting me to feel inspired, that I may be motivated to work. By nature, he is a sweet and caring person who loves to initiate small surprises within our team. He is capable of orchestrating things like this. However he denied when I asked him. But he smiles every time I ask him. That kind of smile that makes you think that it must be from him?

Suspect number two: The Newbie.

He is quite a newbie in the company. I do not know how it started but people are teasing us – of which we both nonchalantly put aside. Could it be possible that he is drawn by the taunt? Is it possible that he likes me… like me enough to send me that expensive bouquet? I am not sure. But we are not close. We rarely speak to each other, and when we talk, it is always short and business-like.

Suspect number three: The Good Friend.

I consider him to be my closest guy friend in the world. We love to joke and brawl with each other, like cats and dogs. We share each other’s secrets. And when I would like to get a guy’s point of view, he is the man I would run to. I consider him to be my brother, my protector, and sometimes my clown. What led me to suspect him is that I saw the flyer of the flower company (that delivered my flower) with him two days before. Possible? But he denied it too. And if it is from him, why deny?

Suspect number four: The Delivery Guy

Hahaha! Sorry, but I ran out of suspects already. He was the one who handed me the flowers anyway. How did he know it was for me? How did he know I was in that particular meeting room? … But wait… who is he? What is his name?

Another possible twist… it could be a combination of any of these two suspects. Somehow they can be interrelated. Is this a conspiracy theory? The odds are high. Anyone, or a combination of them, can be possible.

But Wait...

I ruled out another suspect: An angel

Some mysterious kind hearted soul who just want to make me smile?

I did some rounds of questionsing. I even went to the point of calling the flower company. Unfortunately, they swore to secrecy and cuold not give me any information to reveal the identity of the giver.

After an attempted thorough investigation, I decided to close the case.

Mystery unsolved.

For whatever reason, the giver opted to maintain secrecy. . Will I or will I not find out? It is not a concern for me anymore. Not that I do not care, but it must be for a good reason, I suppose. And whatever is the giver's intention, I respect it. It is the thought that counts. And in this case, yes - it has brightened my day and it has made me smile. It has provided me with the sign I have asked for. And for this, the purpose has been served.

To the one who gave me the pretty, posh and pink bouquet, I appreciate the gesture. Thank you very much! May the good you have done to me in secret, return to you a hundred fold!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Blog Fatigue

It has been a month since I last dropped by. Things at work have been pretty hectic. Time is a luxury I could not afford right now. I even also barely have a time for myself. But I do miss to blog. I tried to blog so many times, but all my attempts stopped at mid-sentence. I think my tired mind refuses to think.

After a month of silence it feels funny now, not knowing where to start, nor even what to say? Actually, lots of things happened since my last blog. I look at them now and they are a juxtaposition of disarray and harmony.

I guess this is what life is all about. We are beleaguered with lots of doubts, confusion and fear. Yet, the tenacity of the human spirit, fueled by the grace of God keeps us forward. So never give up. Even if there seems to be no hope, just wait. Somewhere around the bend, a miracle awaits!