Thursday, August 02, 2007

Tears On My Pillow

I cried myself to sleep last night. I could not remember the last time I cried this hard. All I know that this is the first time I cried again for a guy after three years - after crying a river over my ex.

He is a special friend. Yes, we are just friends, but somehow both of us silently knew where it was heading. And so this unspoken understanding has brought us to set certain expectations with each other. But I have never realized how special indeed he is to me only after this whole friendship thing sort of got complicated. He has his issues. I have my issues.

What is so sad about this is that I have only come to see a different side of me for the first time. I never knew how I still carry the baggage of my past. I have gotten over my ex, but what I have not forgotten yet are the pain and the horrors it brought me – leaving me defensive and even paranoid.

If for any instance a certain feeling reminds me of my past (un-replied text, preoccupied mind, etc.), I shy away and hide behind a wall. What is more alarming though is that my thoughts now begin to wander and start to ponder if there could be someone else… another girl in his heart?

Scary!!! I am not like this before. What has happened to me? I have become a green-eyed ugly paranoid monster. Before, I used to be so open and trusting. Now, I am a hopeless case. Too hopeless that I want to give up. Down with romantic love!

I think I should start accepting a singular future. Because loving me would require extra patience, more strength, and a mega dose of determination. I need someone who could fight for me. Someone strong enough to break my wall; someone determined enough to calm my turbulent fears; and someone patient enough to help me through this journey. All in all, I just need someone who could hold my hand and pray with me, as I gain enough courage to find back my trust in love and in men.

And frankly speaking, I am not sure if such a man exists still? Using the general law of averages, most men shrivel at the sight of testing. They have stopped the pursuit. Is chivalry dead? Have they changed costumes from shining armors to tin foils?

All I wanted is for him to pursue me. Period.

I cried that he is not brave enough to help me in my battle against myself. I cried that he is not supportive enough to give me the reassurance I needed. I cried that I cannot also help him deal with his issues… I don’t know how. I cried because now that it’s all done and broken, there is no way of knowing if it can go back to the way things were. I cried for him. I cried for me. I cried for these and for so many other reasons.


Anonymous said...

Rhy, don't lose hope. Loosen up my dear. Open up yourself, dont be afraid to love and show love. Ask him if he loves you, if he does, then work it out. If it wont, then better luck next time. Dont give up on LOVING rhy. In time, you will have that. Just love and when you do, magtira ka naman sa sarili mo para di masyadong masakit. hehehe...

I believe na meron talaga para sayo.. Kung wala man at kung feel mo na talagang maging single forever, then I would support you.

Meantime, just LOVE. :)

Tejas said...

I think you must read this as soon as possible..

Rhyanne said...

Thank you guys for your words of comfort.

reminds me that i have friends who care.