Thursday, November 22, 2007

Times of the Modern Fairytale


“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I sounded final and decisive but deep inside I was uncertain.

It was raining for weeks inside my room - the night he said goodbye. I let him go with out even asking him for further explanation, because I wanted it to be easy for him. It was a difficult decision he had to make. And I had to respect it – even though it was equally difficult for me.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I am confused and I want to make a stern decision.

And so he left…But midway through his exit, he looked back and stopped. And while I closed the door, I left the windows open. There he stood by the gate-side, while I was looking out through my windows. We mocked on our goodbyes and eventually continued with what we had… but now only ten steps apart.

Afraid of getting hurt again, I am more calculative of my moves. I took a back seat and left all the works, moves and efforts to him. He proved himself to be a gentleman. I felt like a princess. But little did I know that he did not feel like a Knight at all. He felt he was a stable boy – tired and rejected.

Clearly, we have misunderstood each other. If only he knew how he made me feel. If only he know how I felt for him. But then again I am equally disappointed that he was not man enough to lead the charge.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I am afraid of getting hurt again.

I do not know if I should tell him. I do not want to sound needy, demanding and desperate. I am a princess and I deserve a knight who is willing to face the dragons and dark dungeons of uncertainties, doubts, even weariness. He must be valiant and strong.

I used to ascribe myself as Sleeping Beauty, who calmly rests on a canopy bed while waiting for her prince. But now I arise and wake from my slumber. This way I would be on guard and alert. Instead, I choose to akin myself with Rapunzel - sheltered high up in the tower reserved only for the true brave Knight who’s not afraid to face the heights and the thorny bushels.

“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words. I did not want to say it. But I had to. It is like a bitter pill that I must swallow.

I like him. I really do. But who am I to trust my heart? I am stupid in this area. I fall fast, I bruise like a peach, and I bleed easily.

Oh God, my heart is broken again. When do I learn my lesson? I entrust to You my heart for Your safekeeping. May You only give the keys of the tower to the one that You have prepared for me. Amen.


“It is better that we stop now before we hurt each other more… before our memories of each other gets worst.” … Came my words… And so he left. I think this time he already went straight past through the gates… I would not know because the drapes are thick and dark.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Journey


I always view life as a voyage. We travel over time through the vast sea of life’s adventures. The peaks and troughs of the waves represent the highs and lows of our emotions; the ups and downs of our circumstances; our victories and losses.

As we sail on with life, we brave through different sorts of choices, hurdles, opportunities, challenges. While we face a thousand choices, we are sometimes left with no choice but to pick only one. Tricky part now is deciding which way to go? Trust the map? The instinct? The stars? The wind? The waves?

At this point in my life, I feel like I am engulfed in the immensity of my life’s journey. And I am confused on which path I should traverse. Do I abandon everything I have right now and pursue a different career somewhere else? Or do I risk all that I have in pursuit of a greater big adventure in some other part of the world? Or do I stay, endure for a while, and eventually reap what I have toiled for over the last years? Should I choose adventure? Exploration? Stability?

For so long a time, I have held on to my map. But now seems like I am even far from where I wanted to be. Well, am I reading the map in the right way? Or is it the right map for me in the first place?

Deep in my heart, I know what I want but it only seems like I am getting farther and farther from it. I cannot wait for the tides to bring me where the water flows. I must paddle through them, taking me to where I want to go.

Question is how?

Yes, life is a voyage. And now I am a one lost sailor. Frozen adrift, paralyzed by the consciousness of making the right decision. Dear God, please be my guide, my conductor… my Captain.