Sunday, April 13, 2008

Bare Naked

So many things have happened to me the past month. My life right now is besieged with unrest and instability - front, back, left and center. I am so harassed with what is happening around me that I have lost the appetite to do the things I used to find solace – blogging and writing in my personal diary.

I just feel so overwhelmed that I do not even want to come in to terms with what I truly feel inside. Emotions raging inside me, I do not know which to process first. Which part of my life’s crisis should I handle first? I am afraid to hit the pen and spell them out one by one, lest I unleash a stockpile of uncontrollable sentiments.

But somehow I still want to let loose. I want to scream all these emotions out. I want to cry, in the hope that my tears would wash away the troubles of my heart. Unfortunately I cannot. Has misery consumed every part of my being - to the point of blocking my tear glands?

Life has taken me to a very unpredictable curve backed up with an assortment of complicated plot of conflicts. If I am to publicize the events of my life right now, a single movie film will not suffice. I think of a series, more like that of a soap opera.

Things at work have not been as promising as I thought it would be. I devoted most of my time and attention with work only to realize that nothing really matters. You are only as good as your past achievement. No time to relax and rest on your laurels. Deliver. Deliver. Deliver…. Knowing the perfectionist in me, I would do whatever it takes to win. But then one day, I woke up and realized that I am tired. I need a break. I want to let go. I refuse to be eaten up by this culture vulture.

Back home, my brother is beset with an unidentified illness of the brain, that caused him to have seizures and delirium, which was made more complicated with pneumonia, sodium bi-carbonated burn, UTI and fever. This once garrulous and comic energetic fellow has slowly turned to a raucous delirious monster. After few more weeks he then became a groggy, bed-ridden patient in the Intensive Care Unit, silenced by sedatives and oxygen tubes in his throat. Week after week, I witnessed his gradual deterioration. It pains to see him suffer. And it pains even more not to know its cause… and the cure.

With my brother’s case, I had to end what I deemed to be the remedy for my problem at work. I had plans of resigning and pursuing my master’s degree overseas. I really thought I had things all well planned out. But with just a click of a finger, I saw my dreams fading away and seeing again the horrors I had to face with the realities at work.

And oh it does not stop here. Of all the times to surface the issue, the stability of my parent’s marriage is put into question. Talk about perfect timing. I guess it was never intentional to let it out in the open. But people talk. Yes, they do talk about rumors and hearsays of affairs left and right. I don’t know if this is their way of consoling our family with what happened to my brother. If so, I appreciate the intention but I disapprove of their method.

I feel like being stripped off from my comfort zone – security from work, confidence with my craft, passion with what I do, persistence with my plans, hopes in my dream, and refuge from my family. What else is left to be afflicted? My heart? … my lovelife? It was long missing even before these dramatic plots.

I stand bare-naked with nothing to hold on to. I kneel down, my fist into the ground. Oh, Lord I have nothing… I am nothing. You took away all I thought I have. I thought they were mine. But I was wrong. You reminded me of my nothingness. Without You, I am nothing. You, the Creator of the universe, own everything. You give and take away... My heart will choose to say, “Blessed be Your Glorious Name.”

Be my Shelter, my Sanctuary, my Source of strength, My Life, My Everything.