Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Diary of a Broken Heart

Day 1

As soon as the the alarm rang,  I opened my eyes with tears overflowing.  I am officially missing him.  I did not expect for this day to come.  When I first broke up from a previous relationship, I felt like a part of my dearest and closest family member has died.  But this time, I felt a part of me has died.  I want to sulk and stay in bed, but I have to live... I have to survive.

I looked at the window and it was sunny and bright outside.  How dare do the sky turn up to be sun-shiney?    Doesn't it know that it is gloomy and stormy inside my  heart?  

Day 2

I still cannot accept what just have happened.  I am not telling anyone, just in case we might get back together again.  This way, no explanations would be needed.  In fact, I changed my facebook profile picture, into a picture of me and him.  I am living in a secret dream world, because right now, it is the best place in the world.  And nobody knows.

Yes nobody knows.... Except my next door neighbor.  Thanks to this modern studio-unit-construction, my neighbor heard my cries and sobs.  As I drenched myself in my pool of tears, she knocked on my door and gave me a glass of water, a box of tissue, and a concoction of aroma therapy blend.  How sweet of her.  We are not the best of pals, and we just normally exchange a couple of cordial greetings to each other.  But this time, I hugged her.  Feels nice and comforting to have a hug.

Day 3

I can now conclude that heart break is the best weight loss program.  Lost two pounds in two days already.  As much as I want to take care of myself and feed myself, I fail.  The sight of food makes me want to vomit.  After a sip or two with my coffee, I feel full already. 

I went for groceries to buy myself all feel good foodies I can find.  But a few feet inside the supermarket has sent me to tears.  One of our sweet bonding moments has been cooking.  And every time I see the usual ingredients we use, brings back memories of him that it sent more tears flowing, even amidst the presence of other shoppers.  I cannot believe how a can of pork and beans or a pack of mushrooms, or a jar of coffee, or a bag of crumpets can make me cry.  

Day 4

I already talked to my mother and sister.  I told them... I had to at least tell someone.  It feels good to unload.  And it feels great to be reminded that no matter what, they are there for me and will always love me.... Mum and sis, cried with me.  

Day 5

Enough of crying!!! Life must go on.  I admit that I continue to pray for him, hoping and wishing for him to come back.  But that's the only thing I can do.   The rest is up to him.

I have learned that relationships is a two-way street.  No matter how hard you try to keep it, if the other wants to let go, all efforts go futile.  

I am mad at him. He said he is willing to fight for me.  I am mad, that he is not strong enough. I am mad because he said he has left, but why is he still in my heart and in my mind?  I am mad at him because I still love him.  My heart is telling me, "fool forget him."  But my heart is saying, "Don't let go."

Day 6

My first weekend without him. At first I was sad because without my work, I have no diversion.  But I realized, it is a golden time to pamper myself.

I took a nice long warm shower, holding a mini concert and singing my heart out with gusto. It felt nice to shout it all out.  I felt energized and happy.

Then, time to unleash my wallet and shop until I drop. I think it is better to cry because I have spent up all my money - shopping, than to cry because of a broken heart.

Then night time came.  I suddenly missed him again.  Need to do something.  I looked at myself in the mirror. Before I knew it I was cutting my own hair, fringe, sides and back.  I thought this only exists in the movies.  But I am surprised how fun and satisfying it can be.  I am afraid that I will regret this on the next day, but for now I don't care.  I am feeling in control.  I am so enjoying it, inch after inch, until I realized I have cut almost four inches off my hair.  Need to stop now, I really do... I must hide the scissors now.

Day 7

I was afraid to look at myself in the mirror... I fear I might regret the shearing frenzy I had the night before... Might need to go to the salon for some repairs.

And when I finally got the courage to confront myself in the mirror, I was surprised.  What a sight! "My, hello there you pretty young thing!" 

Hmmm.. I actually look fine, and my hair is kinda behaving properly to the new cut.  I was happy. I felt like, if I can take care of my hair, I can take care of my life. I decided not to go to the salon.  This is my masterpiece and I would not want anyone to fiddle with my work.  

And now, time for me to go to church... Time for me to pray, plead, and ask for God to take care of him... And if it is part if His will, for Him to bring my munchkin back to me... At the same time, for me to have the courage to step out of my dream world and enjoy the sunshine and the blooming flowers of spring.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Twisted Reality

Let me tell you of a sad, sad reality... I am actually living in a fantasy world, where he is mine and I am his.  Yes, this is a sad and secret reality.  

I haven't told my friends, haven't changed my status in facebook.  In fact, I even changed my profile pic with a picture of Munchkin and me, back in our happier days.  I have not told them, and still no plans in telling them.  As I am not yet ready to face the world.  I just cannot believe it is over.  I thought that time for us would last a lifetime. But only to realize that it was only for a borrowed period of time. 

When I asked him if he was prepared to lose me, his replied that he was prepared to fight for me.  Spoken like a true knight in shining armor.  However, somewhere along the fight, something went amiss.  I know he tried his best.  But I guess he got all too bruised and worn. tired and frustrated, he must have felt this is a battle he does not want fight anymore.  

It is complicated.

And although we parted ways and bid each other goodbye, deep inside I still cannot let go.  My mind tells me, "Fool, forget him."  But my heart is saying, "Don't let go.  Hold on until the end."  Mind versus heart.  And the heart is winning by a far stretch.

How I wish I can rewind time, back in the days when we still have each other.  Or somehow fast forward to the future, in the hopes of having him there.   The present reality is such a nightmare.  And so now I live in my dreams, where the reality of our love still exists, fresh and alive.

I am praying, hoping and asking God that after this respite, my Munchkin will come back like a true knight in shining armor and fight the ugly reality, then kiss me and make my dreams come true.

And as I wait, I lay my head to sleep and to dream.  Good night and sweet dreams to me.


"If I knew that today would be the last time I’d see you, 

I would hug you tight and pray the Lord be the keeper of your soul.

If I knew that this would be the last time you pass through this door, 
I’d embrace you, kiss you, and call you back for one more.

If I knew that this would be the last time I would hear your voice, 
I’d take hold of each word to be able to hear it over and over again.

If I knew that this would be the last time I see you,
I'd tell you I love, and would not just assume foolishly that you know it already.

                                                                 -Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Love's Poet

My Munchkin is the most rational and logical person I have ever met.  However, despite the logical wiring of his brain, he does not fall short in showering me with sweet emotional affections and speak along the wavelengths of my love language.  At a touch of love, my Munchkin transforms into the sweetest poet in the world:

1) While we were still at earlier part of our relationship, we were having coffee and someone sent him a call ...

Me: Why won't you answer the phone?

Munchkin: I am with you right now, so which means that cannot be important.  It can wait.

Me: Mmmmm... Who could it be?  Must be another girl. Hehehe (teasing him)

Munchkin: I only have two women in my life right now.  And that is you and my mother.

2) After having a bad day at work, I was pouring out to him my sentiments ...

Me: ... Hey, sorry for unloading my worries and concerns to you.  

Munchkin:  No, don't be sorry.  That's what I am here for.

3) When I went to his house one Friday night after work, as I opened the door ...

Me: Hmmmm! Smells good!

Munchkin:  I am preparing a nice meal for my princess, so that as soon as she opens the door, she can smell it.

4) While window shopping at a home storage solution store, I was gushing over the dressing room and storage solution set...

Me:  Oh.. I like this!!! It is my dream to have a dressing room or at least a walk-in closet.

Munchkin:  Someday, I will make that dream come true for you.

5) While we were having dinner...

Me: Where do you see yourself retiring?  Australia or UK?

Munchkin:  I still don't know... Who knows, Philippines might be a good option.

6) While watching Gossip Girl ...

Me:  Baby, who do you think is more beautiful?  Blair or Serena?

Munchkin:  They are all right, but not as beautiful as you.

7) When he was deciding whether or not stay in Australia or go back to UK ...

Me: You decide on what's best for you.  Do not worry about me here.  I want what's best for you.

Munchkin:  You are the best for me.

8) While we were having a major life-altering situation ...

Me:  Are you prepared to lose me?

Munchkin:  I am prepared to fight for you.