Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Strangely New

My lips are chapped and dry.  I am clearly dehydrated.  I admit I am not drinking enough water to compensate for the loss of my bodily liquids whilst they were slowly washed away by my tears.  

I took a hard look at myself in the mirror.  Time now to wipe my eyes dry and put on my glossy lip balm and my color-stay, waterproof lipstick.  

Today, I choose to be happy.

I realized that just as I have a say in this relationship, he also bears the other half in the equation.  It is a two-way street.  If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it.  There is no use of reserving a space in your heart, if the other does not make any effort to stay.

And just as I am willing to let go, he came back.

I guess it must be fate.

The moment I saw his face and saw his smile, I fell in love with him all over again.  It felt right. It felt good.  I did not need to pretend. When love is truly right, over time it changes, it grows but it never disappears.

Seeing him again is like falling in love with him again - for the first time.  Like everything is brand new.  I could not figure out what clothes to wear and how to do my hair on our "first" date.  I had my moments of being self conscious, and at the same time trying to make myself engaging and interesting.  I had not been this  conscious with him before.   

Our time together was like a real "first" date. It was mysterious, exciting and sweet.  It feels strangely new.  Are we finding our way back in to love?  Only time can tell.  I think it is best to go with the flow and see where this road leads us.  I hope to rekindle the love.  But there is no need to rush.   Afterall, true love waits.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Retail Therapy

I shopped until I dropped.  With my office strategically located beside the mall, I take  delectable trips to the shops as my sweet dessert to cap off my lunch breaks.

As soon as I swiped my credit card, I knew I would have to deal with the guilt after the transaction.

But when I had my purchases at hand, I could not wait to have a fashion parade when I reach home.

After I removed the tags from my purchases and tried to find a space in my overflowing closet, I am starting to feel guilty of my splurge fest and shopping frenzy.

Nevertheless, better to cry from an empty wallet and overloaded closet, than cry from a broken and confused heart.

Seriously, at some point, this has to stop... But which one?  The shopping? or the broken heart?

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Love Hurts

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one average person, no different from any other average men, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. But one day, a simple smile, or a soft warm hug, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

When I met Munchkin, I was afraid to see him;

When I saw him, I was afraid to get to know him;

When I knew him, I was afraid to like him;

When I started liking him, I was afraid to fall for him;

When I fell in love with him, I was afraid to lose him;

Now that I have lost him, I am afraid that I will never see him again...

Maybe this is what they mean when people say “All is fair in love and war”.

Both love and war inflicts great suffering on the other party, whilst at the same time it subjects us of great suffering inflicted upon us.   Both in love and war, we face the prospect of surviving or dying; of killing or being killed.  

To love is to risk not being loved in return.  To hope is to risk pain.  To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest danger in life is to risk nothing.

"To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Time Out

Recently, I have drenched my patio with nothing but my tears of pain and my sob stories of my broken heart. Being with Munchkin is not as bad as it looks.  In fact, loving him and to be loved by him is one of the sweetest things in the world! 

It is just that I use this blog as my coping mechanism in dealing with my low emotions.  I just need to vent and release my feelings to keep me sane.  When I am sad, it unleashes me to weave my feelings into words.  I write best when I am sad. Moments of my silence means moments of peace, tranquility and happiness. 

I do not mean to rant against my munchkin and paint a picture of  myself as a martry in waiting for an unrequited love.  I know, and I feel that my Munchkin loves me too. He is such a gentleman, caring, devoted and gentle.  He has never fallen short of showering me with his love and attention.  And this is the reason why I still hold on to the hope of having him back.

I try to think about all negative things about him - his characteristic, quirks, and all other idiosyncracies.  But it all the more highlights that I love him more.  I do not love him inspite of the negatives.  I realized I love him because I am ready to accept and embrace him for the man that he is, amidst his shortcomings. 

Am I blinded by love?  He is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  Life is not perfect.  I do not look at the world with a rose-colored glass. But I look at the glass as half-full. I can vividly see myself holding his hands and growing old with him amidst all the imperfections of this world. 

It is true that you never know what you got until it is gone.  In our time apart, I have come to value him all the more.  If ever he comes back, I will love him, cherish him, and never let him go...

Nevertheless, I know I should be realistic as well.  What if he does not want to hold on anymore and chooses to move on?  Then I shall be happy for him.  All I want for him is to be happy, even if his happiness may mean not having to share it with me.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference."

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Awaking Beauty

I love to sleep. Like many, snoozing is one of my favourite hobbies.  Aside from the respite it gives, it gives me a different sort of freedom and imagination.

Oh how I love to sleep! It brings me to the exciting world of dreamland where things can go anywhere, anyhow – happy, sad, creepy, weird, funny and fantastic.  It is where I am recollected with my family and friends back home where I can embrace them and feel their touch.  It is where I get to live my dreams and aspirations – to be someone I like to be, but I am currently not.  It enables me to actualize my fantasies, hopes, dreams, aspirations. 

Oh yes, I am a dreamer.  They say dreams have meanings.  But I have not gone to that path of interpreting my dreams,  I just take them for what they are. I may not remember all my dreams, but I wake up feeling refreshed, happy and full of creativity and optimism of what the real world can bring for me.

But what if the gift of slumber is taken away from me?  What am I supposed to do?

It is 4:00am in the morning and my mind, body and soul is alive and kicking in competition with the ticking of the clock.

Tried to do every trick know possible:

> Warm shower before bed time .........................check

> Crisp newly washed bed linens .......................check

> No TV before bed time ..................................... check

> Drink warm milk .............................................. ..check

> Soft mellow music...............................................check

> Relax blend aroma therapy ............................. check

> Read a good book .............................................check

> Music off ..............................................................check

> Lights off ..............................................................check

> Stop thinking of him ........................................... DAMN HARD IMPOSSIBLE!

Oh how I wish I can go to sleep and dream.  Yes, dream about him, dream of his strong loving embrace, dream about the sweetness of his voice, dream about the warmth of his smile, dream about the gentleness of his touch.

It is sad how even my dreams do not allow me to have the pleasure of being with him.  Be it in reality or fantasy he is now out of my life.

Step aside Sleeping Beauty... Awaking Beauty has now took its reign over Dream Land.

They say if you love someone, set him free. If he does not come back, then it was not meant to be. . . . I still wait for that day for him to come back...  Will that day ever come? If he doesn’t, I would love him still. 

Wherever he is right now, I hope and pray that he is fine.  I hope he would be able to find someone who will love him much more than I do, someone who can take care of him more than I can, someone who can bring out the best in him, someone who would not break his heart, someone who can make him smile and laugh all the time, someone who will make him feel like he is the luckiest man on earth.

Even if that girl is not me, at least she will be able to live my dream and most importantly, make my dreams for him come true.

Sweet dreams my Munchkins. XXX

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Worlds Apart

Sometimes, understanding how love works feels more like rocket science than romance.  It is confusing enough that both couples, coming from Mars and Venus, not only speak different languages but also think, feel, and view things differently.

It is a well known fact that men cannot multi-task (sadly except for some with women!) and when they are facing some difficulties they prefer to shut down their world, process on their own and hide in their caves.

In the meantime, women face the issue differently and would prefer to let all emotions out.  Otherwise, like a bubble they will burst.  There is a psychological relief in ranting (hey, that’s why I am back in to blogging right now).

On happier days, the couple can seem to establish common language and live through the dynamics and excitement of their differences.  However, in the midst of the storm, that’s the time where communication line breaks down and their natural tendencies of their mother tongue becomes more dominant.

We had a petty fight.  So petty, that I cannot even remember the root cause of the fight.

However at that time, Munchkin was in a very rough patch.  He was besieged with a lot of stress and pressure at work and in his project of building a house (our future home – supposedly?). After our squabble, he felt that our fight is too much for him to handle. He said he has got no time to deal with relationship issues right now. He has therefore asked for some space and a time off. He told me that he is "beginning to doubt why we are still seeing each other."

I said “fine” and at first pretended that it was all right.  Actually it wasn’t.  I felt hurt and betrayed that he doubted our relationship.  Does this mean that he has been doubting all this time?  How about in the future, will he ever doubt again?  What if we are married, will he doubt why he married me?

Here am I again, thinking and over analysing the situation.  I should just let him be and allow him to wallow with his miseries in his cave.  But what about me?  What about my feelings? Who is looking after my feelings?

I love him.  I hate him.  I love him again.  I hate myself.  Oh, what a messy situation.  Is this love?  I hate love.

But then, I realized the essence of love.  It is about giving than receiving.  It is more about understanding than to be understood.  It self sacrificing.  It seeks for the best for the other person.

Yes, I love him.  I want to show him my support and care.  But he seems distant and he is shutting me off.  So in my silence, I will wait and pray for him. 

Yes, I love him.  I want to be the girl that stands by him, especially in his darkest hour.... I want to be the girl that holds his hands and hugs him and tells him that, “everything is going to be all right.”

And by the time he is ready to get out of his “cave”, I hope that he sees me and with smile, he would say, “That’s my girl.”

Monday, April 04, 2011

The Sound and Smile of a Broken Heart

It hurts the most to feel your heart breaking.  As I felt my heart being torn apart, all the pieces fell to the ground.

No one can hear the shattering of the pieces of my broken heart.  But to me, it is very deafening.

Nevertheless, I get up.  I put my lipstick on and smile.

I want to be the woman who smiles, even if her heart is broken. And the one who can brighten someone else's day, even if she cannot brighten her own.

I miss him.  Does he miss me?

"Love hopes for the best; Endures the worst" (1 Corinthians 13:7)