Wednesday, February 29, 2012

3AM Randomness

Early in the morning before the sun is up, i felt a light tap on my door.  Who could this be, at this time of the night/morning?  When I opened the door, a pleasant surprise greeted me, as I saw his handsome smile.  My Munchkin at my doorstep. He said nothing but a smile. His smile and his eyes never fail to light up my world.  His presence illuminated the breaking dawn.

But suddenly darkness enveloped the horizon, as tingling... no, more like itching sensations ran all over my body.  For a moment I was confused.  I could not tell which one is the dream and which one is the reality.  I paused for a while and noticed tiny bumps marking a slash on my arm growing from pink to red.  The allergy is real.  

As reality segued into consciousness, tears suddenly came flowing.

I tossed and turned, wanting to go back to sleep, I wanted to go back to the place where I can be with my Munchkin again. But no, my mind including my hestamines, would not let me.  Darn you hestamines! Why can't you let me be at peace even for a night.  I already took two sleeping capsules.  But am afraid to drink more. I may be depressed and desperate, but I am not suicidal. The moment I give up, is the moment I lose hope.

It is still 3.00am in the morning.  It is dark and silent outside.  However the serenity outside spells a contrasting difference to the chaos and turbulennce inside.  I am now wide awake and my consciousness also awakened the raging thoughts firing ablaze and racing through my mind.  My overactive mind hand in hand with my overactive hestamines are dancing to the tune and the beat of "Rhyanne can't go to sleep."

Now, I sit up and entertain the random thoughts swarming all around my head...

I miss my Munchkin.  Had I known that the last time I saw him would be the ultimate final end time that I would see him, I should have held his hand tightly; I should have hugged him more; I should have gazed more deeply into his eyes; I should have made him smile more often; I should have spent more time with him and not go home early.  Now I wonder and ask myself if I have shown my love enough for him to feel how much I love him? Have I expressed my love enough for him to know the depth and breadth of my love for him?

I thought our love story would last a lifetime.  I envisioned a picture of us growing old together, holding hands until the sunset of our lives.  I thought he would be my partner in crime and that I would be his helpmate, journeying by his side - for better or for worse, in tears and in laughter; in sorrows and in joy; in failures and in victories.

We have built our dreams together.  He has our dream house in construction.  Whilst he took care of the mechanical and electrical stuff, I took care in the interior selection of the color schemes of the tiles, bench tops, cabinet panels, down to the details of the shower head, faucet, and door handles.  Now, I have left him on his own to finish that dream.

Why do we hurt the ones we love?  It hurts me so much knowing that I have hurt him.  If only I could embrace all the pain for him.  If continuing the relationship would mean hurting him more, then I would be happy to let go.  Yes, happy for him, even if it hurts me.  I would rather hurt myself than make him cry.

I wonder how he is doing right now?  Hope he does not miss me as much as I do.  Hope he is not hurting.  Hope his family and friends are giving him good and wise counsel, enough to comfort him.  Hope he is sleeping well.  Hope he is eating well.  Hope things at his work is doing fine and hope that people at his work are treating him well.

I can't even bring myself to call him my Ex.  Deep in my heart he is still my man. We may not be together anymore, but he still has not left my heart.  I still have not changed my profile status in Facebook, and niether did he (well, at least the last time I checked). Maybe I will wait for him to change his profile first before I change mine.  Perhaps I will not to go on Facebook for the time being and take a hiatus for a long long while.  I dread the day to see him update his status, remove our pictures and worst, even un-friend me.  How would I ever manage to cope and face that day?

What if he chooses to move one?  Coming from the statistics of my past relationships, 100% of my ex-boyfriends get married a year after our break up. Based on my historical data of post-break ups, the law of probabilities dictate that there is a high possibility of Munchkin getting in to the matrimonial ceremony within 2013-2014.  Am I that easy to forget?  Do I rub them with some marriage charm upon our separation?  Or perhaps I have taught them to love better, deeper, and stronger in their next relationship?  

Suddenly, an image of him with another girl flashed in my mind.  Just even the thought of it makes me cringe.  I feel a battalion of bees swarming around my stomach, my heart beating faster, streams of sweat and tears flowed, allergic welts  becoming more itchy.  I think I cannot breathe!  I am getting nauseous.  I want to puke.  I think I want to break down... But then again, I want what's best for him.  If this is what he wants, then this is what I want.  If this is what will make him happier, then there is nothing more left to say but goodbye.  

Who knows she could be the answer to my prayer in providing Munchkin comfort, care, love and happiness.  Hope she is beautiful.  Hope she would be faithful, loving, caring, understanding, sweet, and passionate.  Hope she will love him more than I could.  Hope she will never ever hurt him and make him cry. Hope she will make him feel like he is the luckiest man alive.

By the way, I still have not cancelled my leave application which we supposedly planned to  take a trip to Sydney together.  Should I still go?  Or should I just cancel it?  Maybe I will take a vacation on my own?  Or maybe I can just go home to the Philippines ... and not come back here anymore? ...  Hmmm, I don't think it is better not make any decision whilst I am at the heights of my emotions.   

Rhyanne, why are you sad?  Where is your hope?  Bad thoughts be gone!  Put your hope and faith in God.  When God steps in, miracles happen.  Then, what am I doing talking to myself, feasting on a pity party?  I should instead get down on my knees and pray.

Dear God...