Thursday, March 08, 2012

Love Means Letting Go

I promised myself not to go on Facebook for a long while.  But a dire situation prompted me as I needed to send a message to someone at work for the next day's  assignment.  In this age of smart phone technology I do not have her mobile number, guess this shows our level of closeness (But hey, we are Facebook friends).

And while i was in Facebook, I was drawn to my Munchkin's page.  Am I ready for this? ... I tried not to peek his page, but it seems like his page is calling my name.  And so I gave in to the call.

As soon as I opened his page, a thousand daggers dug deep in to my heart.  It feels like a heavy weight has crushed my heart. Suddenly I cannot breathe.  Streams of tears flowed like a spring fountain as I discovered that he has updated his status profile from "in a relationship" to "single".  I still have not changed my status.  At this point, I am still not willing to.

I know we are not together anymore.  However, to me, as long as he keeps his status "in a relationship" (with me of course), it means that like me, he too refuses to let go of us and our relationship.  It was a promise that the situation will soon turn around and that someday there will still be us... no matter how long and winding the path will be, at the end of it all, our lives will still be together as one. It really does not matter when.

The only thing that kept me going is the hope that he will someday come back to me.  His recent update is a declaration that he has decided to move on.  And he is moving on without me. He has now made up his mind and that clearly, he is progressing towards saying goodbye to me and his love for me.  He is putting our love story in the archives of history. I feel hurt, I feel rejected, I feel unwanted, I feel unloved.  He once told me that he is willing to fight for our love.  Why did he have to give up too easy and  too soon?  

I still want to continue the journey with him, but he no longer wants me to be by his side. 

As for me, I still refuse to move on.  I do not want to let go.  I still want to wait for him.  I still hope for his homecoming.  I have been told that I am hoping against hope.  But my heart goes on.  Even as the world thunders for me to "give up now", hope whispers to me, "just wait, give it one more chance."  

Why am I stubborn?  Why do I choose to commit myself in to this?  Why do I keep so much faith in our relationship?

A question was once asked to me, when do I say enough is enough - when it comes to love?  My answer is never.  I believe that a love like this comes once in a lifetime.  And it is something worth fighting for.

However, love should not be selfish. No matter how unwilling am I to let go, it does not mean that I should stop him from doing so.  How dare I say that no one will love him as much as I am loving him?  Love  is not possessive.  Love is setting free.  Love is seeking the best for him.  Love is making him happy.  Love is having the courage to allow him to love again and for him to be loved - even by someone else.