Thursday, March 29, 2012

Looking Through the Eyes of Love


For the first time in weeks I was able to get  6-hours uninterrupted sleep.  Must be the heavy schnitzel forced to my gut by my friend, over dinner.

However my respite was betrayed by my dream.  I dreamt I was in a quaint coffee shop with this sultry girl who exuded confidence and wit.  We were having coffee and I was giving her tips and advice on how to take care of Munchkin.

Huh???... Wait a minute!!!! … This is just a dream.  I have to wake up, I have to wake up, I have to wake up!

As soon as I have gathered enough strength to wake up, tears came flowing instantly as I opened my eyes.

I try not to think about it, my subconscious mind, would not let me.  I know he is now proactively in online dating.  Wonder if he has already met someone?  Wonder if he is taking his way out from his busy workweek to meet her?   If not yet, then there is the long weekend, which is fast approaching.  Good opportune to meet new “friends.”

Erase! Erase! Erase!

I should not be thinking about this.  So what if he decides to move on?  We are not together anymore.  And yes, for him life goes on and so must I.  But that’s the thing.  I feel hurt and somehow betrayed that he is not even grieving for the end of us.  He is not even willing to try to fight for us and try to find a way to at least meet me half-way.  This makes me feel like I am very disposable.

Before I am about to rant out a long list of my lamentations and create graphs and charts in powerpoint presentation of my accusation against Munchkin, a small still voice whispered to me, “Didn’t you say you want him not to feel the pain, and that you would rather take the hurt yourself on his behalf, than to make him cry?  Didn’t you pray for someone to provide him comfort and help him ease the pain?

At that instance, I was enveloped in silence.

Yes that is true.  Who knows, she might be the answer to my prayer for him.  Although it is not me, at least my prayers were answered.  Even if the answer to my prayer is not to the exact detail of how I wanted it to be, I am happy still for the answered prayer.

My past relationship has left me wounded and insecure that I have admittedly brought along my insecurities from my past hurt in my relationship with Munchkin.  I have never been jealous  before, but with Munchkin, I wore a green tinted spectacle.

But this time, I will not be a green-eyed monster anymore.  I will now be a pink-eyed "monster", looking through the eyes of love.

Unfair as it is, while God gave us the freedom to love, the other person also has the freedom not to love us back.  Love is not an obligation, and it is definitely something not to be forced.  This is what they call “free will”.  

If we really love someone, we have to let them be happy and seek for their own best interest – at all cost, whatever that means.  Love moves in mysterious ways.  Sometimes, it means letting go.  Sometimes, it means holding on to what’s left.  Sometimes, it means letting them be with someone else.  Sometimes, it is letting them commit “mistakes”.  Sometimes, it is accepting their decision even if we do not see the rationale.  Sometimes, it means letting ourselves be hurt in ways we can’t even begin to explain.

I guess this is why 1 Corinthians 13 said that “love is not selfish, it is not self-seeking.”

And so, I must step back, stay still and be silent.  I wish Munchkin well.  I wish him love, joy, peace and happiness ever after.


New girl, I want to hate you.  I wished I could have strangled you in my dream instead.  But I won't. It is enough for me to know that he has you to keep him company.  And so, I wish you all the very best. Like in my dream, my advice to you is that you love, cherish, and treasure my Munchkin.  He is precious.  Make sure you make him feel that way.  He is sweet, make sure you return the favor. He is faithful and loyal, please don't betray his trust. He may be strong but deep inside he is a softie, make sure you don't hurt him. ... Now, handing him over to you.  :)  Please handle him with care.

Butterfly (excerpts from the song of Mariah Carey)

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Chorus:
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Chorus:
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were ment to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
ButI will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly



1 comments:

BabyPink said...

Grabe man! I think you will be happier if you just truly let go and try not to look at him anymore whether through the eyes of love or through the green tinted spectacle. :)