Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Fight of Faith

My friend coerced me to go online dating, as she said it had high success rating of getting in to a relationship.  She convinced to activate my profile on line.  She said in Australia people just break up and move on to the next relationship.  I must do the Aussie thing as I am now in Australia.  Everyday she would ask me over and over. 

I did not want to... I am not ready for any relationships.  I am hopelessly devoted to Munchkin.  I am not interested in meeting other men, as I have already met the one I want. I know I have it in my will power to choose to stop loving him, but I just won't.  Even though he is not available for me,  I choose to wait until the tides of time will change.  This is my battle cry.

But no, my friend persisted on combatting my ideals. Her incessant persistence finally got to me.  And so, to satisfy her and keep her quiet, I obliged to her mandate and activated my online dating profile.  Yes, after all, at the end of the day, it is just a profile.  And I have a choice NOT to respond to any messages.

My online dating profile has been reluctantly dangled in that site for few weeks.  I have given little information about myself, just the basics,  despite my friend's coaxing.  Hey, she should be satisfied enough that I have my profile activated.  That's it.  Nothing more.

I have received some message invitations, but true to my word, I did not respond.  Except for one - my Munchkin's message.  The instant I saw his message, I froze.  He is activating his online dating profile as well.  And he is proactively messaging. I do not know what his intentions are in sending me a message in that dating site.  Is it a slap in my face to tell me that he is activating his online dating profile as well? Or is he genuinely trying to pursue me?  But if he does?  Why go through that site?  He knows my contact details.  Better yet, he knows where I live.  He can always knock on my door anytime, and he will always be welcome.

And then I took a closer look, and checked his profile, I saw he posted a couple of his solo pictures - the ones I took from my own camera, in some of the dates I have organised for us.  At that moment, I just crashed at high speed velocity rate - hook down line and sinker. I felt like I was in commatose.  I felt like I needed a quick resuscitation and a heart transplant. 

"S" was surprised to see me curled up on the floor in tears.  When I showed her my discovery, she sat on the floor beside me, hugged me, and cried with me.  

"Rhyanne, I have been patient enough in allowing you to grieve and embrace your pain, as I know it is not easy.  I asked you once when do you say enough when it comes to love, and your response was never.  But don't you think the answer could also be now?  I hate to see you like this.  It hurts me, and I cannot stand it anymore.  Where is your faith?  Where is your hope?  Accept that is over - for now.  But who knows what the future may bring.  It all goes back to you faith and your belief in God, who allowed such thing to happen, for a reason."

And then it hit me.  She has a point.  It all goes back to my faith and to my belief in God, who allowed such thing to happen, for a reason.  Maybe for now it is over.  And I have to accept this fact.  My misery is caused by my inexorable refusal to accept that it is finished between us, coupled with my lack of faith and hope.

God moves in mysterious ways and He works in ways that we cannot see and sometimes don't understand.  We often ask, why do bad things happen to good people.  The present may be bleak and hopeless, but there is a greater reason behind it and only the future, through time, will tell.  Sometimes, God allow things to happen to teach us and help us grow.

I see that Munchkin is working his way out in moving on.  As hard as it is, I should not get in the way. I should respect his decision and let him.  As much as I love him and want him for my own, part of loving is being brave enough to allow him to find love and happiness, even if it means finding them on someone else's arms.  Hopefully, if we are meant to be, his meeting (or dating, although I hate to use this word!) with other women will make him appreciate me more and learn to value me (just as I have learned to appreciate and value him more over our time apart).  If we are truly meant to be, no matter how many women he meets or dates :(, love will always lead him back to me. 

Sometimes in our lives we must loose our dreams for us to realize how important they are.  Then when they are restored and emerge with a new life from the tomb of regret, we can then celebrate their resurrection with true appreciation.

I am a lover, and I am a fighter.  I fight for my love.  I fight not to loose my ability to love.  But this time, I am waving the white flag in utter surrender.  I surrender in faith and in hope.  I still pray and ask God to bring my Munchkin back, not now but maybe in His proper appointed time.

And so I step back, be still and be silent.  Hear that this silence is my loudest cry.  I can't pretend these tears are overflowing steadily.  I can't prevent this hurt from almost overtaking me.  But I have to be brave.  I must be strong.  

The only fight I can engage for now is the fight within me to demonstrate my faith in action.  I should stop crying like a defeated fighter.  I must channel my depression, frustration, and feeling of powerlessness into the fight for perseverance, tenacity, faith, and hope.  Yes, it is over - but only for now.  

Where put my focus on, becomes my reality.  And so I now shift my gaze up to the heavens.  I rest my fighting gear, and allow Him to work and do the fighting for me, for Munchkin, and for our relationship. Deep in my heart I have faith that our relationship will be restored better than ever, perhaps not now, but in the future.

We fight an invisible fight of faith.  My God is mighty to save.  he cannot only move mountains, but also move the hearts of men.

This battle may be lost, but war's victory lies ahead.

In the meantime, I should stop acting like a prisoner of war and start acting like a war victor.  I walk by faith and not by sight.  I must stop mourning for his loss, but start preparing for his arrival.  I look at the mirror and see my eye bags growing more eye bags.  Not a pretty sight.  I must not allow him to see me like this upon his return!  I must start preparing now in anticipation for his homecoming.  

At the same time, I must now deactivate my online dating profile.  I am not doing an "Aussie thing".  I am doing the "Rhyanne thing".

Just as the father waited for his prodigal son to return, I also wait. 

Every day, a new day... A day closer to his arrival.