Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Heart of Valor



By some unexpected but rather pleasant twist of fate, circumstances brought me and Munchkin in to a face-to-face meeting.  Although I have imagined it in my dreams seeing him again, I was quite never prepared for the real thing.  However, I was quite impressed by my calm demeanour.  I thought I would cry and hug him uncontrollably by just the sight of him - as that was how I imagined it to be. Surprisingly, I managed to compose every fibre cells in my body to stay cool.  I thought it would be awkward, but it was not.  I guess when the feeling is right, things flow naturally. 

I looked at him and noticed how he too has lost weight.  His belt is holding up his trousers, as it has now become lose. I can see the space in between his shirt. He still looks dashingly handsome as ever, but I can see his dishevelled look, revealing that he is going through a rough patch.  He coyly smiles at me, with his face down but I can see the sadness in his eyes.  My heart is crushed.

We only exchanged few conversations, talking about superficial and general topics like weather, work, and friends.  We never discussed about us, even how we are coping, and if we still share the same feelings for each other.  Perhaps both of us did not want to ruin the moment.  Perhaps both of us were scared to open up and become vulnerable to each other.  Perhaps both of us did not want to rock the boat. 

Actually, I wanted to.  But I was just waiting for him to make the first move.  But he did not.  I tried to look in to his eyes to see if there is some love for me left in there.  But all I can see is sadness.  I do not know if that sadness is a longing for me, or a realization that his love for me is gone.  I cannot assume, unless stated.  All I can rely on are his words and his actions.  His words and actions were cordial and friendly.  Just friends.

What's more surprising is I did not shed a tear after he had left.  I wanted him to stay longer, I wanted to stop him from leaving.  But I kept my composure and let him leave. His presence was good enough for me to give me a natural "high" feeling.  The happiness of that short encounter has overpowered any feeling of sadness and hurt.


Sometimes the best way to be close to someone you love is by just being a friend.  If we cannot share our love together, at least we can share our friendship.  Surely, I want him more than a friend, but I am holding on to this last piece of connection with him, to whatever little is left of us. 

It hurts not to feel the love and care that I am hoping for, But it hurts even more pretending not to love and not to care.   I know I cannot control his emotions, but I can control mine. I wanted to step up and fight for us, and convince him that together with our love, we can find a way to make things right and make it happen.  I wanted to ask him that if we have this one shot of happiness with each other, don’t we fight for it, or do we just give up? But I did not.

I did not because I know that the more I would press the issue, the more he would be adamant to prove me wrong.  So I just let him be and allow him his space and freedom to do what he wants.  Even if I am afraid that in our time apart, he will find some one else, I hope that she will help him realize that I am the one for him instead.  But if this does not happen, then it will just prove to me that he is not worth it after all.

Whilst the love and the hope in me remain aflame, I do not want to insist myself to him.    I want to be pursued. I think I have made myself more than clear to him before that I remain hopeful.  The rest now is up to him, if he is up for it.  I do not want to be the convenient choice.  I do not want him to get back with me because it is the easiest and most convenient way out.  I want him to come back to me because of love, because he loves me, and he is willing to fight for me despite the challenges, because he knows and he can see that I am all worth it. Because I know I am!

How I wish he would pursue me, like how he did before.  I am a hopeless romantic daydreamer and sometimes, I have this wishful thinking that he would gallantly be at my doorstep and would just court me with his loving smile, or perhaps send me flowers at work to let me know that he wants me back. I even have this wish if he could chase me at the airport as I take my flight off to my one-month holiday in the Philippines in two weeks time, he would break all airport security protocol, he would run at the tarmac and stop the plane, and boldly confess his love for me before the other passengers, whilst the aiport security tries to contain him.  Then I would just run to him and embrace him.  And all the people will sigh, clap, and some will also cry.... I obviously watch too much crappy sappy romantic movies. But there is nothing wrong in wishing.  Sometimes wishes do come true.

Sigh!  Earth to Rhyanne!!!! Earth to Rhyanne!!!!  I am going over the moon again with my thoughts.  Focus on the present, focus on the reality.   I am putting this inextinguishable hope to the test.  Whatever will be, will be.  This is the sign I am praying for, that if God allows Munchkin to be mine, He would open Munchkin’s heart  to pursue me with valor, despite the difficulties and odds.  I do not have to do anything to convince him.  But if not, then God would bring intimidation to Munchkin’s heart to retreat and surrender, no matter how much he wants me. And so I resolve to just sit back, wait, and watch things happen, as they happen - and take them at face value, with no judgement, assumptions, or expectations - unless stated. 

God, please give me a patient and accepting heart.  Amen.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Won't Give Up (Lyrics by Jason Mraz)




When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up



Monday, April 23, 2012

Mother's Heart



This day felt like an immersion and celebration of the mother’s heart.

My day started with a short email from my mom.  I know she is concerned about me.  And this is why I am trying to hold myself up and I try to be strong. I do not want her to worry.  She empathizes with me.  She cries when I cry.  I know at this time her heart is breaking too.   And it breaks even more, not knowing what to say, or at least withholding what to say.  She knows I can be headstrong.  And yes, a broken heart is a deaf heart. 

I love you mama.  Thanks for being here with me.  You don’t actually have to say anything… I know, I know, I know… Your presence is enough for me.

Then by midday, I had a call from our client’s mother. The moment I heard her voice, I immediately heard her worry.  After listening to her concerns and offering a sympathetic ear, she broke down in tears. Her son does not know of this call but she said she does not know where to turn to for help. Her son is already 35 years old and is independent, handling his ongoing case on his own. But the mother in her heart is breaking as she sees the ordeal that her son is going through. Before him, she hides her pain and pretends to be strong.  But she breaks down in secret.

As I listened to her, I was reminded of my mother.  It was as if my mother was speaking to me.  I was choking trying to hold back my sobs as tears were flowing, while I listened to the outpouring out her emotions.

I understand and appreciate where she is coming from.  Her grief reminds me of my mother’s.  And I feel sorry and guilty for breaking her heart.

Mama, I am sorry.

Then, I was reminded of Munchkin’s mother.  She has been nothing but a dear, sweet angel to me. I also feel guilty for hurting her son and for hurting her as well.  I have grown fond of her.  She has become dear to me.  Breaking up with Munchkin feels like I am breaking up with her too.

I sent her an email and apologized.  She was very gracious and even told me, “Please don’t apologize, you have done nothing wrong. You have not caused any pain. It is the situation that is painful.”

Her words were like a soothing balm, and despite her words of comfort, I know her heart is breaking too.  Whilst I can also feel that she too cares for me, she is also careful with her words as she is afraid to give me false hope.  I may be imagining it with my wishful thinking, but I can feel without her saying it that perhaps she too wishes for me and Munchkin to make it work

Mother Munchkin, I am sorry and I also miss you just as I miss your son.  Knowing that Munchkin has you on his side is comfort enough for me to know that he is in good hands. No other woman will ever love and accept him unconditionally.  I hoped to be next in line with you. Please send him all my love and care for me.

It will be mother’s day in three weeks time.  Here is my advance Happy Mother’s Day shout out greeting to all mothers in the world!  Thank you for your mother’s heart.


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Pink Rantings


I was reading a magazine, and a quote from Rihanna, struck me:

"I am not dating anyone right now.  Dating is so uncool.  That's why I just talk to my fans in twitter."

When I read that line, I was like, yes, we are on the same page on this one.

A friend advised me that the easiest and quickest way to move on, is to find a new love, or at least go out meet new guys, not to build relationship but as a  way of distraction, just to take my mind off Munchkin.

However, I am not a believer of that.  People are not objects to be used as a distraction tool.  I do not want that to be done to me.  So why do it to them?  And secondly, I do not want to lie to myself.  Who am I kidding?  The more I force myself, the more my heart will unleash its tantrum. And this would only make me a grumpy company. I have my mean streak as well. It happens rarely, but when it does... Rawr!  When I am mean, I am mean.  

So yeah, Rihanna is right, dating is uncool, especially if the feeling is not right.  Why bother?  Why even try to pretend?  Why force it?

Whilst Rihanna devours all her attention on Twitter talking to fans, I have this blog and a small offline journal which serves as the mouthpiece of my heart. And sometimes, whenever I feel like sending a text message to Munchkin, I text it to myself.

Rihanna has her fans to talk to.  I have none.  Hahaha. I am not sure how many people read my blog (although I am a bit surprised by the positive and encouraging comments left by few "strangers" in my some of my posts - thank you).  But it's all right,  Even if no one reads it, it just feels good to express, rant, and let it all out!  After writing I feel much better and positive.

With "S" away for two weeks, I am practically home alone, on my own.  It is tough and lonely.  I try to be strong.  I try not to cry.  I try to eat.  I try to ignore the emptiness.  And so I shout out all my emotions by writing and doodling in my journal. I am nearly running out of pages in my journal.  So I might just as well blog it all away here then.  

Sorry, this is a very negative piece.  I just want to rant...


This too shall pass. There are better days ahead.  

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Mirage



Whilst walking towards home from the bus stop, I noticed how the transition of season has abridged the daylight.  I generally prefer going home during summer, as it is always sunny and bright still even at 6.00pm.  But now, at 6.00pm the sun is slowly shying away to mark the end of its reign. 

Sadness.

I carried on walking along my usual route.  And just as I was about to cross the street, I saw this man from the other side of the road, also trying to cross on to my side of the road.  My eyes cannot see that far to look into his face.  But I can somehow see his image, his form, his built, even his style of dressing and the way he wears his cap.

Is it Munchkin? ... I froze. I fought the internal urge to run to him.  I stopped on to my tracks, and waited for him to come near to me and pass me by.

Excitement.

I eagerly watched him walking nearer.  Waiting for him to be on my side of the road seemed eternity.  But I waited still.  As he came near I intently looked at his face.  I saw a bewildered face, giving me a weird look.  His eyes telling me “hey, what you looking at?” 

Nope.  It was not Munchkin.

Disappointment ...

Embarrassment.

I laughed at myself, for feeling giddy and excited only to be disappointed.  I don’t know but I find it funny.  I laughed again, remembering the stranger’s bewildered look. No, I am not going crazy. I sometimes embarrass myself.  I think I need to have my eyes checked to avoid any future embarrassment like this.

Then I thought what could have happened if I did not control myself and instead ran to meet him and hug him???  Could have I hugged this stranger, based on impulse?

Disgust!

Yuck!  I cannot see myself holding someone else’s hands.  Somehow, even the thought of me going out and meeting other guys makes me feel so disgusted about that person and most especially to myself.  I cannot lie to myself. I have been in a relationship before, where I did not love the other person that much.  And I hated myself even more for settling for less, and for forcing myself to pretend.  I promised myself not to be in that same situation again, ever!  Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time. 


Sorry guys, this girl may be single, but she is not available.  To be fair with you, I am sure it is but natural for her to compare everything you do and say with Munchkin.  And you know how it works, he will always be the better man.  Besides, you don't want her puking all over the place whilst having coffee with her, don't you? 

Hopeless?

I know, I know, whilst the hope (of Munchkin’s return) in me remains stubborn, I should focus on the present. But it is hard to tell my mind to stop loving and hoping, when my heart still does.  Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.  I am taking things, one day at a time, one step at a time.  However, it sometimes feels like taking two steps forward, then two steps back.  Everyday I contradict myself.  One minute I am happy, strong and free.  The next minute, I am yearning, longing, missing. 

Reality.

Ahem, ahem!!! Reality check....Look to your left, look to your right.  Munchkin is nowhere. What hurts me more in losing him, is knowing that he is not fighting hard enough to keep me. If he really wants to be here, there or anywhere, he will find a way.  But search not for him.  Focus on the present, remember the gift of now. No matter how difficult, I have to be brave and be strong for myself.    I guess, when we are brave to say goodbye, we learn to accept that there are things, which is better to let go. Perhaps it is better to let go and see if they come back, rather than to hold on and see that they let go.

Love… Faith … Hope.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Gift of Now



There’s a girl in my mirror.  She looks broken and blue.  I took a closer look and noticed she seem to have lost some weight and her eye bags are swollen and dark.  Not a pretty sight.  To be frank, she looks like a waking dead, an open wound walking.

I took a step back and turned away from the mirror.  I said to myself, "got to take care of that girl.  She is the only one you’ve got."

For some reason I cannot explain, but I still hold this inextinguishable hope that someday, perhaps someday, Munchkin will be back.  But I realized, that is the hope for tomorrow.  The important thing is NOW.  I should live in the present and not obsess about the past, nor try to figure out the future.  I should live for today.

I have realized that rather than resisting life as it actually is in the present moment, I should accept our break-up without labelling or judgment. I know Munchkin does not want to hurt me, and he would for sure hate to see me like this.  He is not responsible for my state.  I am.  My misery is caused by my denial and refusal to accept the present state, as it is.

There is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life … to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation.

Yes, surrender, not resignation.  Surrender is learning to accept, but still continue to hope and believe of a better tomorrow.  Whatever will be, will be.  Resignation is giving up with out a fight, and thinking there is not even a glimpse of hope for tomorrow.

In times like these, there is an opportunity to grow and learn.  This is life’s teaching moment.  Just because I am feeling the emptiness in my life right now, it does not mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change.  I consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth that can help me become stronger.

God has given me the gift of now.  And I am accepting the present.  I slowly unwrap my gift and decide to use this time to build a better version of myself:

1) Pray

I pray for inner-peace, acceptance and hope.  I pray for guidance and wisdom.  I pray for a triumphant faith.  I also pray for Munchkin.  May he be kept safe, healthy and happy.  I pray for us.  May we find our way to acceptance and fulfillment of our destiny - either be it as each other’s one true love, or each other’s faithful friend.  May  His greater Will be done.


2) Eat Healthy

No matter how it makes me want to vomit, I still force myself to eat.  I feed myself with more fruits, especially when my taste buds go bitter.  My friend who is a doctor explained that it is the acid in my stomach that makes me want to vomit.  But I have to force myself to eat and not let the acid win over me.

Having shed off that few unwanted pounds, I have a good excuse to indulge myself in feeding myself with yummy dessert treats, which I consciously deprived myself from during my healthy days.  However, I should still be mindful of the amount of food I eat and not over-eat.


3) Exercise

I have started to take a weekend 1-hour walk along our oh-bann bus track.  I find that walking helps me clear my mind, plus I feel the gush of endorphins afterwards, and it makes me sleep soundly at night. If not for the cooling down of weather, I can perhaps do it more often.  But what happens during winter? I might go indoors and take Zumba sessions or even pole dancing perhaps.  I love to dance and I am going to start wearing my dancing shoes on.



4) Doodle


Yes, doodle.  Aside from this blog, I keep a small journal where I write my everyday random musings, especially those that I want to tell Munchkin.  It started out as simple journal entry writing, until my artistic side of me explored the colors and different strokes, creating images, scribbles and doodles along the side.  I am not good in drawing, but I discovered that drawing, like tears,  helps alleviate in releasing the unspoken words of the heart.   



5) Beautify

Really need to do something with my eye bags and dark under-eye circles.  Miracle cream, anyone?  


6) Volunteer

I have enlisted to volunteer my extra time to do volunteer work.  This gives me time to take my mind off myself and my broken heart.  By volunteering, it takes myself off the centre of the universe, and it helps me to acknowledge other people’s needs.  And truth of the matter is, everybody hurts.  My pain is no special than everyone else’s.  As I help others, it may even make me feel like my problems are nothing compared to the crisis that other people are facing.


7) Visit Home



It has been two years since I left my family and friends back home in the Philippines.  Two years does not seem long.  But in the midst of my grief, it seems eternity.  I need to reconnect and feel the love again.  I am counting the days and I only have 4 weeks left.  Home sweet home!


I have other plans in mind including finding a better job, pursuing further studies, even moving interstate, or even perhaps stay home for good?   But I withhold these thoughts for now. I will make the most of my time at home to think more, reflect more and plan for my future.  I do not want to make any drastic, life-altering decision in the midst of my emotional tide.

I do not know what the future brings.  Will it bring me a hope fulfilled or just a broken dream?  Time heals a broken heart, but time also breaks a waiting heart.

I believe we make things happen, and we create our destiny.  And destiny starts now.  Living in the present means concentrating on what is happening now, enjoying it, and making the most out of it.

I looked again at the girl in the mirror and that girl is now smiling nervously, as she musters what little courage she’s got to embrace the gift of now.  She slowly unwraps the gift, and takes on her dancing shoes – ready to dance with the flow of life.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Indulgence of My Heart



There is a saying that goes, “absence makes the heart go fonder”.  And I am saddened by the thought that whilst it is true for me, it is however the opposite for Munchkin.

With each passing day, my heart still beats for Munchkin, this time even stronger.  While he, I know, is hell-bent in moving forward.  He is moving on, whereas me – I’m running around in circles.

I tried to ignore my heart.  But I realized, the more I ignore it, the more miserable I am.  Every time my mind tried to silence my heart, it comes back with rage and revenge.  And so, I give in to the ruminations of my heart.  It let it be… let it love, let it hope, let it believe.  Because I am hoping that at some point, it will go weak and weary, being unreciprocated.  And eventually, it will tire itself out.

I miss Munchkin every waking day. My heart searches for him, even though I know I shouldn’t.  I reminisce the times we have spent together, the trips and travels we have visited, the everyday mundane conversations we talk about, his funny gestures and jokes and the laughter we share.  I miss them all.

We’ve shared our lives and given so much love.  We have built our dreams and plans for the future together.  I can’t believe it is now over.

Each day as I go about my routine, the thought of Munchkin knocks in my door and I welcome it, because even just the thought of him makes me smile.  I wonder what he is doing, hope life is treating him kind, hope he is not as miserable as I am, hope he is happy, but I hope that he misses me and may this loneliness make him realise that I am truly the one for him.

Well meaning family and friends are encouraging me to move on, let go and not look back.  It is so easy to give advice, when you are not involved.  Don’t they know that I want that too? However, it is not an instant thing.

How I wish our hearts have a built-in “undo” button, or a “clear history” switch.  Sadly, we cannot process our heart mechanically.  How I wish there is a surgical procedure to erase everything, like emotional heart transplant or memory electric shock.  If that was remotely possible, I would be first in line to undergo that procedure, despite the costs.

To my family and friends (some of you read my blog):

All I ask is your patience and understanding. My heart still hurts, but I am getting better.  The road to recovery is a long and arduous process.  But I am trying to get there.  Just give me time.   Just allow me to write what I feel.  I will be better and will someday grow stronger from this.

To my Munchkin (although you don’t even know that this blog exists, I just want to say it out  loud, hoping that you would hear my heart as it screams out to you):

It is hard to be apart, because I care so deeply about you.  Though we can’t be together right now, we are together in our thoughts and memories (… or at least in mine).

Just remember that even through our disagreements and petty fights, and the tears I’ve cried, I took the risk and gave you my heart.  Never ever did I give up on you.  Do not give up on yourself.  Believe.  Anything is possible.

And if ever you need a helping hand, do not hesitate to ask.  I may be far away, but I will always be within your reach.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Beauty Sleep



After weeks of sleepless nights and zombie mornings, my body finally succumbed to exhaustion.  I felt my body crashed to enervate. My sleepless nights are now catching up on me.  

Zzzzzz ...

Finally, I managed to get my well-deserved and long-overdue sleep over the weekend.  I have morphed from being insomniac, now to being narcoleptic. Today was a manic Monday.  I felt like I was sleep walking.  Whilst at work, I can't wait to go home,  dive into my bed, and hide under the sheets. I am tired.  I feel so lethargic, like I can sleep for a week.  *Yawn*

Zzzzzz ...

Aside from my body, my mind also feels whacked.  I have stopped my litany of analysis-paralysis.  I managed to  ignore the cacophony of thoughts lurking in my head.  I do not want to think about him, what he could be doing, how is he feeling, is he thinking about me, will he ever consider getting back with me, is there something I could have done differently,  what if this, what if that, has he found someone already,  does she make him smile in ways that I can't ... etc, etc, etc ...  I am tired.  I don't want to think anymore.  *Silence*

Zzzzzzz ...

Sadly, one thing remains un-tired and formidable.  My heart. My foolish and stubborn heart still haunts me with lingering vigour and dilution to remain steadfast in hope and in faith, holding on to what little is left.  It takes a lot of amount of courage and strenght to let go,  but it takes more to hold on, hope, believe and wait.  *Stop*

Hushshshshshs....

Body and mind are both tired.  Heart, be still and keep quiet!  In the meantime, let me go to sleep and take my beauty rest.  And heart, I think you should go to sleep too.

Zzzzzzz ...