Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Gift of Now

There’s a girl in my mirror.  She looks broken and blue.  I took a closer look and noticed she seem to have lost some weight and her eye bags are swollen and dark.  Not a pretty sight.  To be frank, she looks like a waking dead, an open wound walking.

I took a step back and turned away from the mirror.  I said to myself, "got to take care of that girl.  She is the only one you’ve got."

For some reason I cannot explain, but I still hold this inextinguishable hope that someday, perhaps someday, Munchkin will be back.  But I realized, that is the hope for tomorrow.  The important thing is NOW.  I should live in the present and not obsess about the past, nor try to figure out the future.  I should live for today.

I have realized that rather than resisting life as it actually is in the present moment, I should accept our break-up without labelling or judgment. I know Munchkin does not want to hurt me, and he would for sure hate to see me like this.  He is not responsible for my state.  I am.  My misery is caused by my denial and refusal to accept the present state, as it is.

There is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life … to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation.

Yes, surrender, not resignation.  Surrender is learning to accept, but still continue to hope and believe of a better tomorrow.  Whatever will be, will be.  Resignation is giving up with out a fight, and thinking there is not even a glimpse of hope for tomorrow.

In times like these, there is an opportunity to grow and learn.  This is life’s teaching moment.  Just because I am feeling the emptiness in my life right now, it does not mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change.  I consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth that can help me become stronger.

God has given me the gift of now.  And I am accepting the present.  I slowly unwrap my gift and decide to use this time to build a better version of myself:

1) Pray

I pray for inner-peace, acceptance and hope.  I pray for guidance and wisdom.  I pray for a triumphant faith.  I also pray for Munchkin.  May he be kept safe, healthy and happy.  I pray for us.  May we find our way to acceptance and fulfillment of our destiny - either be it as each other’s one true love, or each other’s faithful friend.  May  His greater Will be done.

2) Eat Healthy

No matter how it makes me want to vomit, I still force myself to eat.  I feed myself with more fruits, especially when my taste buds go bitter.  My friend who is a doctor explained that it is the acid in my stomach that makes me want to vomit.  But I have to force myself to eat and not let the acid win over me.

Having shed off that few unwanted pounds, I have a good excuse to indulge myself in feeding myself with yummy dessert treats, which I consciously deprived myself from during my healthy days.  However, I should still be mindful of the amount of food I eat and not over-eat.

3) Exercise

I have started to take a weekend 1-hour walk along our oh-bann bus track.  I find that walking helps me clear my mind, plus I feel the gush of endorphins afterwards, and it makes me sleep soundly at night. If not for the cooling down of weather, I can perhaps do it more often.  But what happens during winter? I might go indoors and take Zumba sessions or even pole dancing perhaps.  I love to dance and I am going to start wearing my dancing shoes on.

4) Doodle

Yes, doodle.  Aside from this blog, I keep a small journal where I write my everyday random musings, especially those that I want to tell Munchkin.  It started out as simple journal entry writing, until my artistic side of me explored the colors and different strokes, creating images, scribbles and doodles along the side.  I am not good in drawing, but I discovered that drawing, like tears,  helps alleviate in releasing the unspoken words of the heart.   

5) Beautify

Really need to do something with my eye bags and dark under-eye circles.  Miracle cream, anyone?  

6) Volunteer

I have enlisted to volunteer my extra time to do volunteer work.  This gives me time to take my mind off myself and my broken heart.  By volunteering, it takes myself off the centre of the universe, and it helps me to acknowledge other people’s needs.  And truth of the matter is, everybody hurts.  My pain is no special than everyone else’s.  As I help others, it may even make me feel like my problems are nothing compared to the crisis that other people are facing.

7) Visit Home

It has been two years since I left my family and friends back home in the Philippines.  Two years does not seem long.  But in the midst of my grief, it seems eternity.  I need to reconnect and feel the love again.  I am counting the days and I only have 4 weeks left.  Home sweet home!

I have other plans in mind including finding a better job, pursuing further studies, even moving interstate, or even perhaps stay home for good?   But I withhold these thoughts for now. I will make the most of my time at home to think more, reflect more and plan for my future.  I do not want to make any drastic, life-altering decision in the midst of my emotional tide.

I do not know what the future brings.  Will it bring me a hope fulfilled or just a broken dream?  Time heals a broken heart, but time also breaks a waiting heart.

I believe we make things happen, and we create our destiny.  And destiny starts now.  Living in the present means concentrating on what is happening now, enjoying it, and making the most out of it.

I looked again at the girl in the mirror and that girl is now smiling nervously, as she musters what little courage she’s got to embrace the gift of now.  She slowly unwraps the gift, and takes on her dancing shoes – ready to dance with the flow of life.


Patios Romford said...

A great well written post, thanks for sharing.