Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Heart of Valor

By some unexpected but rather pleasant twist of fate, circumstances brought me and Munchkin in to a face-to-face meeting.  Although I have imagined it in my dreams seeing him again, I was quite never prepared for the real thing.  However, I was quite impressed by my calm demeanour.  I thought I would cry and hug him uncontrollably by just the sight of him - as that was how I imagined it to be. Surprisingly, I managed to compose every fibre cells in my body to stay cool.  I thought it would be awkward, but it was not.  I guess when the feeling is right, things flow naturally. 

I looked at him and noticed how he too has lost weight.  His belt is holding up his trousers, as it has now become lose. I can see the space in between his shirt. He still looks dashingly handsome as ever, but I can see his dishevelled look, revealing that he is going through a rough patch.  He coyly smiles at me, with his face down but I can see the sadness in his eyes.  My heart is crushed.

We only exchanged few conversations, talking about superficial and general topics like weather, work, and friends.  We never discussed about us, even how we are coping, and if we still share the same feelings for each other.  Perhaps both of us did not want to ruin the moment.  Perhaps both of us were scared to open up and become vulnerable to each other.  Perhaps both of us did not want to rock the boat. 

Actually, I wanted to.  But I was just waiting for him to make the first move.  But he did not.  I tried to look in to his eyes to see if there is some love for me left in there.  But all I can see is sadness.  I do not know if that sadness is a longing for me, or a realization that his love for me is gone.  I cannot assume, unless stated.  All I can rely on are his words and his actions.  His words and actions were cordial and friendly.  Just friends.

What's more surprising is I did not shed a tear after he had left.  I wanted him to stay longer, I wanted to stop him from leaving.  But I kept my composure and let him leave. His presence was good enough for me to give me a natural "high" feeling.  The happiness of that short encounter has overpowered any feeling of sadness and hurt.

Sometimes the best way to be close to someone you love is by just being a friend.  If we cannot share our love together, at least we can share our friendship.  Surely, I want him more than a friend, but I am holding on to this last piece of connection with him, to whatever little is left of us. 

It hurts not to feel the love and care that I am hoping for, But it hurts even more pretending not to love and not to care.   I know I cannot control his emotions, but I can control mine. I wanted to step up and fight for us, and convince him that together with our love, we can find a way to make things right and make it happen.  I wanted to ask him that if we have this one shot of happiness with each other, don’t we fight for it, or do we just give up? But I did not.

I did not because I know that the more I would press the issue, the more he would be adamant to prove me wrong.  So I just let him be and allow him his space and freedom to do what he wants.  Even if I am afraid that in our time apart, he will find some one else, I hope that she will help him realize that I am the one for him instead.  But if this does not happen, then it will just prove to me that he is not worth it after all.

Whilst the love and the hope in me remain aflame, I do not want to insist myself to him.    I want to be pursued. I think I have made myself more than clear to him before that I remain hopeful.  The rest now is up to him, if he is up for it.  I do not want to be the convenient choice.  I do not want him to get back with me because it is the easiest and most convenient way out.  I want him to come back to me because of love, because he loves me, and he is willing to fight for me despite the challenges, because he knows and he can see that I am all worth it. Because I know I am!

How I wish he would pursue me, like how he did before.  I am a hopeless romantic daydreamer and sometimes, I have this wishful thinking that he would gallantly be at my doorstep and would just court me with his loving smile, or perhaps send me flowers at work to let me know that he wants me back. I even have this wish if he could chase me at the airport as I take my flight off to my one-month holiday in the Philippines in two weeks time, he would break all airport security protocol, he would run at the tarmac and stop the plane, and boldly confess his love for me before the other passengers, whilst the aiport security tries to contain him.  Then I would just run to him and embrace him.  And all the people will sigh, clap, and some will also cry.... I obviously watch too much crappy sappy romantic movies. But there is nothing wrong in wishing.  Sometimes wishes do come true.

Sigh!  Earth to Rhyanne!!!! Earth to Rhyanne!!!!  I am going over the moon again with my thoughts.  Focus on the present, focus on the reality.   I am putting this inextinguishable hope to the test.  Whatever will be, will be.  This is the sign I am praying for, that if God allows Munchkin to be mine, He would open Munchkin’s heart  to pursue me with valor, despite the difficulties and odds.  I do not have to do anything to convince him.  But if not, then God would bring intimidation to Munchkin’s heart to retreat and surrender, no matter how much he wants me. And so I resolve to just sit back, wait, and watch things happen, as they happen - and take them at face value, with no judgement, assumptions, or expectations - unless stated. 

God, please give me a patient and accepting heart.  Amen.