Saturday, April 07, 2012

Indulgence of My Heart

There is a saying that goes, “absence makes the heart go fonder”.  And I am saddened by the thought that whilst it is true for me, it is however the opposite for Munchkin.

With each passing day, my heart still beats for Munchkin, this time even stronger.  While he, I know, is hell-bent in moving forward.  He is moving on, whereas me – I’m running around in circles.

I tried to ignore my heart.  But I realized, the more I ignore it, the more miserable I am.  Every time my mind tried to silence my heart, it comes back with rage and revenge.  And so, I give in to the ruminations of my heart.  It let it be… let it love, let it hope, let it believe.  Because I am hoping that at some point, it will go weak and weary, being unreciprocated.  And eventually, it will tire itself out.

I miss Munchkin every waking day. My heart searches for him, even though I know I shouldn’t.  I reminisce the times we have spent together, the trips and travels we have visited, the everyday mundane conversations we talk about, his funny gestures and jokes and the laughter we share.  I miss them all.

We’ve shared our lives and given so much love.  We have built our dreams and plans for the future together.  I can’t believe it is now over.

Each day as I go about my routine, the thought of Munchkin knocks in my door and I welcome it, because even just the thought of him makes me smile.  I wonder what he is doing, hope life is treating him kind, hope he is not as miserable as I am, hope he is happy, but I hope that he misses me and may this loneliness make him realise that I am truly the one for him.

Well meaning family and friends are encouraging me to move on, let go and not look back.  It is so easy to give advice, when you are not involved.  Don’t they know that I want that too? However, it is not an instant thing.

How I wish our hearts have a built-in “undo” button, or a “clear history” switch.  Sadly, we cannot process our heart mechanically.  How I wish there is a surgical procedure to erase everything, like emotional heart transplant or memory electric shock.  If that was remotely possible, I would be first in line to undergo that procedure, despite the costs.

To my family and friends (some of you read my blog):

All I ask is your patience and understanding. My heart still hurts, but I am getting better.  The road to recovery is a long and arduous process.  But I am trying to get there.  Just give me time.   Just allow me to write what I feel.  I will be better and will someday grow stronger from this.

To my Munchkin (although you don’t even know that this blog exists, I just want to say it out  loud, hoping that you would hear my heart as it screams out to you):

It is hard to be apart, because I care so deeply about you.  Though we can’t be together right now, we are together in our thoughts and memories (… or at least in mine).

Just remember that even through our disagreements and petty fights, and the tears I’ve cried, I took the risk and gave you my heart.  Never ever did I give up on you.  Do not give up on yourself.  Believe.  Anything is possible.

And if ever you need a helping hand, do not hesitate to ask.  I may be far away, but I will always be within your reach.


Anonymous said...

I’ve found that when a guy doesn’t respond to your text messages, e-mails, calls and so forth, he usually isn’t doing so intentionally, he’s busy doing other things, trying to forget about certain parts of his past. I would know, I’ve had some tough times, too. I may not be the brightest crayon strewn about the house, but I presume that this is out of fear, or a natural quirk that we all have not to touch the things that hurt us, be it physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Eventually, it will come back to haunt, and when it does, he would do anything to get you back.

Rhyanne said...

Hi Anonymous!

Thanks for your comment. I hope you are right. I hope you are.

I guess, only time will tell.

Thanks for the words of encouragement :)