Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Mirage



Whilst walking towards home from the bus stop, I noticed how the transition of season has abridged the daylight.  I generally prefer going home during summer, as it is always sunny and bright still even at 6.00pm.  But now, at 6.00pm the sun is slowly shying away to mark the end of its reign. 

Sadness.

I carried on walking along my usual route.  And just as I was about to cross the street, I saw this man from the other side of the road, also trying to cross on to my side of the road.  My eyes cannot see that far to look into his face.  But I can somehow see his image, his form, his built, even his style of dressing and the way he wears his cap.

Is it Munchkin? ... I froze. I fought the internal urge to run to him.  I stopped on to my tracks, and waited for him to come near to me and pass me by.

Excitement.

I eagerly watched him walking nearer.  Waiting for him to be on my side of the road seemed eternity.  But I waited still.  As he came near I intently looked at his face.  I saw a bewildered face, giving me a weird look.  His eyes telling me “hey, what you looking at?” 

Nope.  It was not Munchkin.

Disappointment ...

Embarrassment.

I laughed at myself, for feeling giddy and excited only to be disappointed.  I don’t know but I find it funny.  I laughed again, remembering the stranger’s bewildered look. No, I am not going crazy. I sometimes embarrass myself.  I think I need to have my eyes checked to avoid any future embarrassment like this.

Then I thought what could have happened if I did not control myself and instead ran to meet him and hug him???  Could have I hugged this stranger, based on impulse?

Disgust!

Yuck!  I cannot see myself holding someone else’s hands.  Somehow, even the thought of me going out and meeting other guys makes me feel so disgusted about that person and most especially to myself.  I cannot lie to myself. I have been in a relationship before, where I did not love the other person that much.  And I hated myself even more for settling for less, and for forcing myself to pretend.  I promised myself not to be in that same situation again, ever!  Anything less than a mad passionate love is a waste of time. 


Sorry guys, this girl may be single, but she is not available.  To be fair with you, I am sure it is but natural for her to compare everything you do and say with Munchkin.  And you know how it works, he will always be the better man.  Besides, you don't want her puking all over the place whilst having coffee with her, don't you? 

Hopeless?

I know, I know, whilst the hope (of Munchkin’s return) in me remains stubborn, I should focus on the present. But it is hard to tell my mind to stop loving and hoping, when my heart still does.  Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.  I am taking things, one day at a time, one step at a time.  However, it sometimes feels like taking two steps forward, then two steps back.  Everyday I contradict myself.  One minute I am happy, strong and free.  The next minute, I am yearning, longing, missing. 

Reality.

Ahem, ahem!!! Reality check....Look to your left, look to your right.  Munchkin is nowhere. What hurts me more in losing him, is knowing that he is not fighting hard enough to keep me. If he really wants to be here, there or anywhere, he will find a way.  But search not for him.  Focus on the present, remember the gift of now. No matter how difficult, I have to be brave and be strong for myself.    I guess, when we are brave to say goodbye, we learn to accept that there are things, which is better to let go. Perhaps it is better to let go and see if they come back, rather than to hold on and see that they let go.

Love… Faith … Hope.

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