Monday, April 23, 2012

Mother's Heart

This day felt like an immersion and celebration of the mother’s heart.

My day started with a short email from my mom.  I know she is concerned about me.  And this is why I am trying to hold myself up and I try to be strong. I do not want her to worry.  She empathizes with me.  She cries when I cry.  I know at this time her heart is breaking too.   And it breaks even more, not knowing what to say, or at least withholding what to say.  She knows I can be headstrong.  And yes, a broken heart is a deaf heart. 

I love you mama.  Thanks for being here with me.  You don’t actually have to say anything… I know, I know, I know… Your presence is enough for me.

Then by midday, I had a call from our client’s mother. The moment I heard her voice, I immediately heard her worry.  After listening to her concerns and offering a sympathetic ear, she broke down in tears. Her son does not know of this call but she said she does not know where to turn to for help. Her son is already 35 years old and is independent, handling his ongoing case on his own. But the mother in her heart is breaking as she sees the ordeal that her son is going through. Before him, she hides her pain and pretends to be strong.  But she breaks down in secret.

As I listened to her, I was reminded of my mother.  It was as if my mother was speaking to me.  I was choking trying to hold back my sobs as tears were flowing, while I listened to the outpouring out her emotions.

I understand and appreciate where she is coming from.  Her grief reminds me of my mother’s.  And I feel sorry and guilty for breaking her heart.

Mama, I am sorry.

Then, I was reminded of Munchkin’s mother.  She has been nothing but a dear, sweet angel to me. I also feel guilty for hurting her son and for hurting her as well.  I have grown fond of her.  She has become dear to me.  Breaking up with Munchkin feels like I am breaking up with her too.

I sent her an email and apologized.  She was very gracious and even told me, “Please don’t apologize, you have done nothing wrong. You have not caused any pain. It is the situation that is painful.”

Her words were like a soothing balm, and despite her words of comfort, I know her heart is breaking too.  Whilst I can also feel that she too cares for me, she is also careful with her words as she is afraid to give me false hope.  I may be imagining it with my wishful thinking, but I can feel without her saying it that perhaps she too wishes for me and Munchkin to make it work

Mother Munchkin, I am sorry and I also miss you just as I miss your son.  Knowing that Munchkin has you on his side is comfort enough for me to know that he is in good hands. No other woman will ever love and accept him unconditionally.  I hoped to be next in line with you. Please send him all my love and care for me.

It will be mother’s day in three weeks time.  Here is my advance Happy Mother’s Day shout out greeting to all mothers in the world!  Thank you for your mother’s heart.