Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Life may sometimes be unfair, but it is still indeed beautiful.


Thank you Lord for the gift of life.  I pray strength and tenacity to persevere as I press on with my life's mysterious journey. I pray for patience and humility to accept life's little humbling assignments. I pray for wisdom and enlightenment to fully absorb life's enigmatic lessons. I pray for determination and fortitude to believe that life, no matter how painful it may sometimes be, is still full of hope.

To myself, be brave and face the world with a smile.... The hope of life awaits.  Exciting days lies ahead! 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

One Day at a Time

This I can conclude: when you are heartbroken, do not go to the Philippines.  I have noticed how Filipinos have a knack for playing romantic love songs, especially with those bittersweet romance.  These songs are played everywhere - the shops, the taxi, restaurants, cafes, even in the hotel lobby.  And each song, always reminds me of him.  I figuratively imagined in my head banging the sound system with a machine gun and pulling the plug every time I hear these songs.

Everyday I psych myself to move along and forget him, and then someone mentions his name, or I see something that reminds me of him and our times together, which links back all to him... and then I lose all the progress I made.  Funny how these memories follow me even from miles away.

Everyday I soak myself with reasons to forget him.  Everyday I lie to myself.  Everyday I try to find strength to get me through and yet everyday I die.  Heartbreak is painful enough to make you feel like you are dying every single waking moment, but not deadly enough to actually kill you.  

I do not know where to begin from here.  And so I am trying all kinds of therapies made available to me here: beauty therapy, retail therapy, meditative therapy, yoga breathing therapy, professional counselling therapy, etc.  All I know is that the only thing I can control is myself. I am responsible for my own feelings, emotions and decisions.  I cannot deny the present reality. It is inevitable, no matter how intolerable.  I just have to accept it.  Yes, accept it with a gracious heart.  

Love is a two way street.  It is like clapping a hand.  One cannot make a clap with just one hand alone.  All efforts are futile, no matter how the other hand waves and swings hard, if the other hand is not willing even just to stay still. and most especially when the other hand is fully withdrawn. 

True love is hard to find and much more difficult to forget.  For me, real love is not like any other normal transaction where you can find them so easily. It is truly rare.  This is why I hold on to my hope.  Not because I am attached to the situation or the person, but because I am committed.  I have felt both the peace of heart and peace of mind, having found the love that is unfathomable, indescribable and beautiful. Love transcends beyond any rationalizations, no matter how difficult the circumstance is.  Love is always enough.  The problem is when love is not enough.  And if this is the case, then what good is holding on?  I have waited for him to unfriend in Facebook.  I must leave some room of dignity for myself and untag him in all my pictures.  I do not want to wait until he does it to me again.  This time, I am doing it first.  Yes, I want him to be happy.  And so i will not force myself.

Whilst the inextinguishable hope remains aflame, I just let it be. After all, this too is still part of my present reality. There is no way of denying it. But I just let it be.  I do not anchor my everything on to it.  In time, either of the two will happen: (a) it will prove me wrong and it will just die its natural death; or (b) it will prove me right and its beams will shine even brighter to lead our paths back as one.  

I have tried to let go a few times.  But I am trying everyday. Failures are never final. Opposing values are complimentary.  Today I cry, tomorrow I will smile again. This is just another hump in my journey.  I will get through this somehow.  I should stop clinging on to the past and stop fearing for the future.  I should live for today and take things one day at a time... One step a day... until that promise of hope for the future (whichever it will be) becomes the new present reality.  

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Happiness is ...

It feels good to back home. Back in the comforting and loving arms of my family and friends. Seeing their warm smiles and caring eyes is enough to make my heart feel alive again. Feels so good to be loved and cared for.

Although not everyone knows about my breakup. And to those who do not know, I just smile and nod and say nothing. It feels uncomfortable being confronted with questions like how he is? where he is? when is he visiting here? etc, etc, etc.  I just smile and say he's fine and he is doing well.  I avoid the other questions. To those who know, I just fake a smile and bluntly tell them that I am not ready to talk about it.  I do not want to relive the painful memories any longer.

And yes, so I promised to stop writing about "M". But I just recently discovered that he un-friended me in Facebook. And it is driving me crazy. Need to vent all these emotions and thoughts out of my system, otherwise I breakdown again, and this time for my family to see. I do not want them to see my at my lowest and weakest moment. So I pretend that I am strong, fine and I am coping well.

I hide my tears and try to put on a smile. I do not know why he had to do it. Even if we cannot share our love, but I was hoping that we can at least share our friendship. This gesture is a message for me that he does not want any inch of connection with me, even as a friend. To him, I may just well be somebody that he used to know, a historical figure who in time will just gather dust in his archives corner and slowly fade from his memory. I officially belong to his past. Whilst I do not know why he had to do it, all I know is that he has his  own reasons.  Perhaps he wants to start anew.  Perhaps he wants me to move on.  Perhaps he wants to look forward to forgetting the past and starting to look for a brighter and happier future - without me. Perhaps this is what his doctor/counselor advised him. Perhaps he wants me to put my hope to a halt. Perhaps he is too coward and lazy to fight for me.  Perhaps he does not love me after all.  Maybe not just enough... So many hypothesis. I may not know his real reasons but my aim now is acceptance and surrender, rather than seeking to understand and win.  My love is not selfish.  It is not about me, it is about him.

For him, life goes on and he wants to move on. I must accept his decision and gracefully respect it. Just because I cannot move on, does not mean he can't. While I secretly cry in pain, I remind myself that I want to be that woman who can make him happy and smile all the time. I want him to be happy. And if this is the only way, then so be it. And if it makes him even happier, then I will try to extinguish this flicker of inextinguishable hope in my heart. I don't know how, but I will try... For him I will.

As long as he is happy, then I am happy... No questions asked.  I now rest my case. 

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

The Soundtrack of My Heart

Lyrics | Coldplay lyrics - Fix You lyrics This song is played in the chambers of my heart over and over again. The melody reverberates and the lyrics resonates within. It inspires me. The combination of lyrical and musical perfection that occurs in this song will not be bettered. The music has two parts - suffering of the passion and the hope of new life in the resurrection. The first part is a mournful recognition of the desparate state of a broken person. The second movement with that fabulous riff has an undercurrent of hope and redemption. It goes from the saddest song to the most uplifting song in the space of seconds and suddenly everything you think about what is wrong in your life is implied with a promise of love, hope and faith - that in the end, everything will be all right... Yes, anything is possible. There is a reason and a purpose for everything. Don't fight it, don't resist it. Embrace it. Open your heart to it. Dare to dream. Dare to hope. Dare to love... Yes, there is a God. He is not only the God of impossibilities, but He is also the God of second/third/fourth/fifth... chances. Believe and you will be surprised in ways you can never imagine. Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow. Life is never easy. Everyday life gives us a series of finite disappointments after the other, nevertheless we should never lose infinite hope. I dedicate this song for "M"(you know who)... The candle is left burning in the window of the lighthouse of my hope so that through the long dark nights, he, out in the blackness and longing to return, seeing the bright beams may be assured of love and waiting welcome...

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Test of Hope

Aside from my Pink Patio, as I have also been pouring out my emotions on my little notebook. This little notebook has served as my pseudo-text mate.  Whenever I am prompted to text Munchkin, I would instead write it in that notebook (aside from texting it to myself).  I have now finished all the pages.  The journey of my pen has documented the travails of my heart.  The journey itself feels good as I release the pain with the flow of my pen’s ink.

It first started with mushy love notes and short odes for Munchkin.  But as time went by and as the pages progressed, anger took its toll. Just after midway through that notebook, I expressed all my hurts, disappointments and anger.  But after passing through the pages of anger, came acceptance.

For reasons that I cannot explain, deep in the recesses of my heart is still that tiny flicker of hope.  A hope that I never felt before. A hope that is inextinguishable that which refuses to be vanquished.  A hope so small yet audible enough for me to hear its soft whisper, that perhaps, maybe perhaps someday Munchkin will be back.

However, the important thing is now, today, the present reality.  With each passing day as I wait for that phone call that never rang and for his arrival that never came, the image of this sad and bitter present reality is getting clearer and bigger.

I am a warrior princess.  I may be gentle and meek, but I am a very determined person.  I am passionate with my cause.  I am an achiever in my own right.  I do not give up so easily.  I do not quit.  I persevere and I fight.  I can be stubborn to what I strongly believe in.  If I have set my sight on a goal and a vision, I find a way to get there, including finding alternative options just to make it work – at all cost.  I press on until I achieve the dream.  I do not let circumstances, no matter what they may be, keep me away from my dreams. I rarely give up on something that I really want. Waiting and the process of achieving it may be difficult, but it is more difficult to regret.  

The same principles apply to my heart. I believe that anything you value in life and everyone you love, especially the ones you love the most, are worth fighting for.  My heart is my biggest weakness, but it is also my biggest strength.  I rarely fall in love, but when I do, it is long, lasting, deep, devoted, committed and passionate.   I do not want to say goodbye when I still want to try.  I do not want to give up when I still feel that I can take it.  I do not want to let go when my love for him remains.  I hate Romeo-Juliet tragic stories.

As much as I cannot force him to gear up and fight for us, I cannot force myself to give up and stop fighting for us.  Nevertheless, I have realized that this kind of battle is never meant to be fought alone.  For it to strive, survive, and win, it has to be fought as a tandem duo.  Fighting on my own will never make it right.  Fighting on my own, will get me nowhere, but forever wounded and torn.  On my own, I will never achieve the victory.  Holding on may be the sincerest form of loyalty and love.  But sometimes you are left with no choice but to let go.

So now, I lay my fighting gears down in complete utter surrender. Surrender, not resignation. Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding to. You just have to let go and have faith that if it is really meant to be, things will fall properly into its place, when the time is right.  After all, when two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can tear them apart.  

Yes, I love my Munchkin more than anything and anyone else in this world.  There is nothing more that I could ever wish than to be right next to him and to hold on to his hands forever.  But I know I have to do this.  I must.  So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I have got to let him go, so he can just know how much I love him.  And maybe if I am lucky, he will come back.  Blissful joy!  … But if not, at least I am ready to accept.  I will be fine.  I will make it through somehow. 

I am giving up the fight, but I am not giving up the hope.  And now, I am putting my hope to the test. Let it be, let it be.  Hope, I challenge you to prove yourself to me in time. If it is meant to happen, it is bound to happen, and it will happen. Nothing can stop it from happening.  Yes, no matter how hopeless the current situation may seem, time will take its course and everything in this universe will conspire to make everything fall in to its proper place.

Whilst I wait for that hope, it does not mean that I have to put my life on hold. I am not sure if I can really move on, but at least I can move along.  Part of the process of putting my hope to the test is by letting go.   For starters, I will try my very best to stop writing about him, stop thinking of the pain, and stop wrestling with the present reality. I do not want to talk about it anymore.  My lips are sealed.

Instead of treating my hope as an anchor that will prevent me from sailing through with life, I will use my hope as a lighthouse which will guide me to sail on in my journey, especially at the darkest hour of the night.

Munchkin, you are free to go.  May the good Lord bless you and keep you safe in your journey.  May you find what it is that you are looking for.  Should your journey take you to the rough seas, and if you feel that you are lost, seek for that ray of light. May you find the lighthouse of my hope and may you follow the light to lead you back home to me, safe and sound.

To myself, be strong and take courage.  Time to move along.  Sail on.  Everything will be all right.  Even if you do not know how to navigate the sea, nor even how to read the map, trust that the lighthouse of your hope will always show you the way.  Give up the fight, but hold on to your hope.  Never give up on hope, and hope will never give up on you.