Saturday, May 19, 2012

Happiness is ...

It feels good to back home. Back in the comforting and loving arms of my family and friends. Seeing their warm smiles and caring eyes is enough to make my heart feel alive again. Feels so good to be loved and cared for.

Although not everyone knows about my breakup. And to those who do not know, I just smile and nod and say nothing. It feels uncomfortable being confronted with questions like how he is? where he is? when is he visiting here? etc, etc, etc.  I just smile and say he's fine and he is doing well.  I avoid the other questions. To those who know, I just fake a smile and bluntly tell them that I am not ready to talk about it.  I do not want to relive the painful memories any longer.

And yes, so I promised to stop writing about "M". But I just recently discovered that he un-friended me in Facebook. And it is driving me crazy. Need to vent all these emotions and thoughts out of my system, otherwise I breakdown again, and this time for my family to see. I do not want them to see my at my lowest and weakest moment. So I pretend that I am strong, fine and I am coping well.

I hide my tears and try to put on a smile. I do not know why he had to do it. Even if we cannot share our love, but I was hoping that we can at least share our friendship. This gesture is a message for me that he does not want any inch of connection with me, even as a friend. To him, I may just well be somebody that he used to know, a historical figure who in time will just gather dust in his archives corner and slowly fade from his memory. I officially belong to his past. Whilst I do not know why he had to do it, all I know is that he has his  own reasons.  Perhaps he wants to start anew.  Perhaps he wants me to move on.  Perhaps he wants to look forward to forgetting the past and starting to look for a brighter and happier future - without me. Perhaps this is what his doctor/counselor advised him. Perhaps he wants me to put my hope to a halt. Perhaps he is too coward and lazy to fight for me.  Perhaps he does not love me after all.  Maybe not just enough... So many hypothesis. I may not know his real reasons but my aim now is acceptance and surrender, rather than seeking to understand and win.  My love is not selfish.  It is not about me, it is about him.

For him, life goes on and he wants to move on. I must accept his decision and gracefully respect it. Just because I cannot move on, does not mean he can't. While I secretly cry in pain, I remind myself that I want to be that woman who can make him happy and smile all the time. I want him to be happy. And if this is the only way, then so be it. And if it makes him even happier, then I will try to extinguish this flicker of inextinguishable hope in my heart. I don't know how, but I will try... For him I will.

As long as he is happy, then I am happy... No questions asked.  I now rest my case.