Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Test of Hope

Aside from my Pink Patio, as I have also been pouring out my emotions on my little notebook. This little notebook has served as my pseudo-text mate.  Whenever I am prompted to text Munchkin, I would instead write it in that notebook (aside from texting it to myself).  I have now finished all the pages.  The journey of my pen has documented the travails of my heart.  The journey itself feels good as I release the pain with the flow of my pen’s ink.

It first started with mushy love notes and short odes for Munchkin.  But as time went by and as the pages progressed, anger took its toll. Just after midway through that notebook, I expressed all my hurts, disappointments and anger.  But after passing through the pages of anger, came acceptance.

For reasons that I cannot explain, deep in the recesses of my heart is still that tiny flicker of hope.  A hope that I never felt before. A hope that is inextinguishable that which refuses to be vanquished.  A hope so small yet audible enough for me to hear its soft whisper, that perhaps, maybe perhaps someday Munchkin will be back.

However, the important thing is now, today, the present reality.  With each passing day as I wait for that phone call that never rang and for his arrival that never came, the image of this sad and bitter present reality is getting clearer and bigger.

I am a warrior princess.  I may be gentle and meek, but I am a very determined person.  I am passionate with my cause.  I am an achiever in my own right.  I do not give up so easily.  I do not quit.  I persevere and I fight.  I can be stubborn to what I strongly believe in.  If I have set my sight on a goal and a vision, I find a way to get there, including finding alternative options just to make it work – at all cost.  I press on until I achieve the dream.  I do not let circumstances, no matter what they may be, keep me away from my dreams. I rarely give up on something that I really want. Waiting and the process of achieving it may be difficult, but it is more difficult to regret.  

The same principles apply to my heart. I believe that anything you value in life and everyone you love, especially the ones you love the most, are worth fighting for.  My heart is my biggest weakness, but it is also my biggest strength.  I rarely fall in love, but when I do, it is long, lasting, deep, devoted, committed and passionate.   I do not want to say goodbye when I still want to try.  I do not want to give up when I still feel that I can take it.  I do not want to let go when my love for him remains.  I hate Romeo-Juliet tragic stories.

As much as I cannot force him to gear up and fight for us, I cannot force myself to give up and stop fighting for us.  Nevertheless, I have realized that this kind of battle is never meant to be fought alone.  For it to strive, survive, and win, it has to be fought as a tandem duo.  Fighting on my own will never make it right.  Fighting on my own, will get me nowhere, but forever wounded and torn.  On my own, I will never achieve the victory.  Holding on may be the sincerest form of loyalty and love.  But sometimes you are left with no choice but to let go.

So now, I lay my fighting gears down in complete utter surrender. Surrender, not resignation. Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding to. You just have to let go and have faith that if it is really meant to be, things will fall properly into its place, when the time is right.  After all, when two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can tear them apart.  

Yes, I love my Munchkin more than anything and anyone else in this world.  There is nothing more that I could ever wish than to be right next to him and to hold on to his hands forever.  But I know I have to do this.  I must.  So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I have got to let him go, so he can just know how much I love him.  And maybe if I am lucky, he will come back.  Blissful joy!  … But if not, at least I am ready to accept.  I will be fine.  I will make it through somehow. 

I am giving up the fight, but I am not giving up the hope.  And now, I am putting my hope to the test. Let it be, let it be.  Hope, I challenge you to prove yourself to me in time. If it is meant to happen, it is bound to happen, and it will happen. Nothing can stop it from happening.  Yes, no matter how hopeless the current situation may seem, time will take its course and everything in this universe will conspire to make everything fall in to its proper place.

Whilst I wait for that hope, it does not mean that I have to put my life on hold. I am not sure if I can really move on, but at least I can move along.  Part of the process of putting my hope to the test is by letting go.   For starters, I will try my very best to stop writing about him, stop thinking of the pain, and stop wrestling with the present reality. I do not want to talk about it anymore.  My lips are sealed.

Instead of treating my hope as an anchor that will prevent me from sailing through with life, I will use my hope as a lighthouse which will guide me to sail on in my journey, especially at the darkest hour of the night.

Munchkin, you are free to go.  May the good Lord bless you and keep you safe in your journey.  May you find what it is that you are looking for.  Should your journey take you to the rough seas, and if you feel that you are lost, seek for that ray of light. May you find the lighthouse of my hope and may you follow the light to lead you back home to me, safe and sound.

To myself, be strong and take courage.  Time to move along.  Sail on.  Everything will be all right.  Even if you do not know how to navigate the sea, nor even how to read the map, trust that the lighthouse of your hope will always show you the way.  Give up the fight, but hold on to your hope.  Never give up on hope, and hope will never give up on you.


Donna said...

This guy and I had been dating for about a year, and it was going fine, until It started to hit him that he is Christian, and I am not, and therefore he could not be with me, so he broke up with me. What sucks is we still feel deeply for one another, and it's so hard now to move on, forget, or anything. I understand what you must be going through. I feel soo empty somtimes. And it hurt the both of us. But my hurt was also because he told me I was enough for him, and then said I wasn't yet perfect, and it left me in pieces, and him too. I dont quite know how to move on yet... and we've been trying to figure things out. I can only hope that my ex sees how miserable we both are and try to fix it, who knows. But right now, my heart is in pieces, so I really am sorry for your loss too. I hope your HOPE will endure and prove to be true. So that there would be HOPE for me too.

Jodey said...

I have been divorced with my second husband, but we are back together and I'm really trying from my side to help him get over his fears and troubles from the past. We used to argue a lot, most of the time until I reached a time that I couldn't take anymore. After 4months that we've been separated and divorced, we bumped into each other again and the love was still there. Isn't it worth while holding on to even if things went so far as divorce? Aren't we meant to really work things out this time and get married again?
Yes, there is always HOPE. Keep on praying and keep on believing. HOPE and love, love, love!