Sunday, May 27, 2012

One Day at a Time

This I can conclude: when you are heartbroken, do not go to the Philippines.  I have noticed how Filipinos have a knack for playing romantic love songs, especially with those bittersweet romance.  These songs are played everywhere - the shops, the taxi, restaurants, cafes, even in the hotel lobby.  And each song, always reminds me of him.  I figuratively imagined in my head banging the sound system with a machine gun and pulling the plug every time I hear these songs.

Everyday I psych myself to move along and forget him, and then someone mentions his name, or I see something that reminds me of him and our times together, which links back all to him... and then I lose all the progress I made.  Funny how these memories follow me even from miles away.

Everyday I soak myself with reasons to forget him.  Everyday I lie to myself.  Everyday I try to find strength to get me through and yet everyday I die.  Heartbreak is painful enough to make you feel like you are dying every single waking moment, but not deadly enough to actually kill you.  

I do not know where to begin from here.  And so I am trying all kinds of therapies made available to me here: beauty therapy, retail therapy, meditative therapy, yoga breathing therapy, professional counselling therapy, etc.  All I know is that the only thing I can control is myself. I am responsible for my own feelings, emotions and decisions.  I cannot deny the present reality. It is inevitable, no matter how intolerable.  I just have to accept it.  Yes, accept it with a gracious heart.  

Love is a two way street.  It is like clapping a hand.  One cannot make a clap with just one hand alone.  All efforts are futile, no matter how the other hand waves and swings hard, if the other hand is not willing even just to stay still. and most especially when the other hand is fully withdrawn. 

True love is hard to find and much more difficult to forget.  For me, real love is not like any other normal transaction where you can find them so easily. It is truly rare.  This is why I hold on to my hope.  Not because I am attached to the situation or the person, but because I am committed.  I have felt both the peace of heart and peace of mind, having found the love that is unfathomable, indescribable and beautiful. Love transcends beyond any rationalizations, no matter how difficult the circumstance is.  Love is always enough.  The problem is when love is not enough.  And if this is the case, then what good is holding on?  I have waited for him to unfriend in Facebook.  I must leave some room of dignity for myself and untag him in all my pictures.  I do not want to wait until he does it to me again.  This time, I am doing it first.  Yes, I want him to be happy.  And so i will not force myself.

Whilst the inextinguishable hope remains aflame, I just let it be. After all, this too is still part of my present reality. There is no way of denying it. But I just let it be.  I do not anchor my everything on to it.  In time, either of the two will happen: (a) it will prove me wrong and it will just die its natural death; or (b) it will prove me right and its beams will shine even brighter to lead our paths back as one.  

I have tried to let go a few times.  But I am trying everyday. Failures are never final. Opposing values are complimentary.  Today I cry, tomorrow I will smile again. This is just another hump in my journey.  I will get through this somehow.  I should stop clinging on to the past and stop fearing for the future.  I should live for today and take things one day at a time... One step a day... until that promise of hope for the future (whichever it will be) becomes the new present reality.