Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Haunting

Ever since I came back here in Adelaide, people have been complimenting me about not only on my new look but also this "new brand of confidence"  that I seemingly exude.  They say I have a different aura.

I just smile and willingly accept their compliment.  They do not know that over time, I have learnt the art of faking and mastered the art of hiding. I am now  an up and rising actress ready to accept my best actress award anytime soon.

If only they know that I smile and laugh so hard not only to put on a show for them, but also to fool and convince myself that I am fine and moving on oh so well.  They do not know the gnawing pain and the shattering heartache I feel behind closed doors.  Everyday I wear a mask and hide behind a smile. 

However, my facade almost caved in earlier today at work... almost!

I was burying myself over a voluminous file while I was cross checking some court documents at work.  I heard no footsteps but I know someone was in my office room.  The smell of him filled the room.  

I stopped on my tracks.  At the whiff of the scent, I dropped the stack of papers I was flicking through and froze. It did not take long for me to recognize that brand of perfume.  It is MunchK's perfume.  It is his smell. Him.  Suddenly in that instant, flashbacks of memories of him came crashing through.  I was reminded of his warm loving embrace.  In a space of seconds it felt like "home".

I looked up and saw our junior solicitor.  He was startled at the look of my face.  Just before he can ask me if I was OK, I rushed to the toilet.  There, Bluebird came chirping on and reminded me of MunchK's hugs and the goodness of his strong comforting arms wrapped around me. Oh that sweet smell of him! I miss him so so so much.  

Dammit! 

I cried my heart out until I ran out of tears.  Then I wiped my eyes dry powdered my face and put my mascara on.  As I stepped out of the toilet, I wore my acting face back.  It was lights, camera, action time.

Hours later, I approached that solicitor who visited my office. I was struggling whether I should ask him or not.  But I cannot stand the torture any longer.  Every time he passes by I am drawn to his smell.  I am so tempted to hug him even for that one brief moment, just to remember the good old days with MunchK.  But this cannot be.  And so, I mustered all courage I find within my soul and I politely asked him...

Me:  Sorry about earlier.  I do not know how to tell you this.  I hope you don't get offended. This is a bit embarrassing. But can you please stop wearing your new perfume?

Him: ahhhhh....? (Puzzled look... He was struggling for words to ask me why). 

Me:  Because it upsets me.  I am sorry, I know you would not understand but   ... it just upsets me and I cannot stand to be near you (trying so hard to hold back the tears).

Him (panicking at the sight of my tear glands swelling): Oh! All right.  Fine,  I won't wear it anymore.

Me:  (Deep sigh of relief!)  Thank you, you just made my day.

 ----------------

VERY DEEP SIGH!

I was holding up so well and now I feel like going back to square one.  Dammit! I never realized how much I miss him. 

Suddenly, I heard little Bluebird whispering to me, "Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you still love him so."

But Bluebird, what can I do?  What can I do? ... Nothing but just continue with the show.  So smile and strike a pose, walk along that red carpet... the people are watching and your best actress award is waiting!  :) :) :)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Rain


It has been raining, gray and cold for the consecutive past few weeks now, and more showers predicted in the next coming days or so. Not only is it a chilly winter, but it is also wet and frosty.

Heaven must know how I feel deep inside.  Heaven must be joining me in tears, as my heart weeps while it bleeds.  But what's the use of crying, when I know I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me?  So let the it rain.  May you be soaked in my tears.  This way I get to feel the touch of you, even for a brief flowing moment.  And soon enough you'll dry yourself, and I will vanish like vapor before your presence, just like how I already did.

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment.

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

My Blue Bird Heart





BLUE BIRD 
(by Christina Perri)



How the hell does a broken heart
Get back together when it's torn apart
Teach itself to start
Beating again ba ba ba ba

This little Bluebird came looking for you
Said that I hadn't seen you in quite some time
This little Bluebird, she came looking again
I said we weren't even friends she could have you

Don't you think it was hard?
I didn't even say that you died
But it wouldn't have been such a lie
Cuz' then I started to cry

This little Bluebird sure won't give it a rest
She swears that she may be better than all the rest
I said no-ohhhh
You've got it all wrong
If he was something special, I wouldn't have this song

Don't you think it was hard?
I didn't even say that you died
But it wouldn't have been such a lie
Cuz' then I started to cry

How the hell does a broken heart
Get back together when it's torn apart?
Teach itself to start
Beating again ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

What if when she comes over I am in your arms?
Taking all I want from you again

(Ba ba ba ba...)

How the hell does a broken heart
Get back together when it's torn apart
Teach itself to start
Beating again ba ba ba ba
(Repeat x2)
Beating again ba ba ba ba

This little bluebird don't come 'round here anymore
So I went looking for her
And I found...
You.



*****************************************************************


The first time I heard this song, blue bird reminded my of my heart. Stubborn, willful, and persevering.



I looked up more details regarding the song and different people shared various interpretation and perspective.  But Winterchicks' interpretation spoke closest to what I feel:


"The 'little blue bird' is her heart. The little blue bird 'just won't give it a rest, she swears you may be better than all the rest', meaning it wont give up the person she loves. 

Her head 'logical self' answers saying 'I said no, you've got it all wrong' 

At the end...there's no sign of the bluebird = meaning her heart is missing 
So her head searches for it 'I went searching for her' 
When she finds her heart, she finds him 'I found you'....Meaning he has her heart!"



I am not so sure about the last part though.  Sigh!  Whatever will be, will be.  He has made his choice.  And I respect that.


I truly wish MunchK all the best in love that he deserves.  May he find this kind of love that I found in him, even if that girl is not me. Not to hurt him or make him experience the pain I am feeling right now, but for him to understand and appreciate the perplexing and indescribable beauty of this love that I feel, despite the pain of it all.  It is magical, it is rare, awe-inspiring and beautiful. And someday he will understand that this kind of love is worth all the risk, worth the tears...

As for me, how do I get this broken heart back together again? I tried hard so hard but now I am left with cuts and bruises all over my hands.


Oh, little blue bird, will you give it a rest!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Hachi


What's a girl to do spending home alone on a Saturday night? ... Read a book, listen to chill lounge music?... Nah,  DVD marathon while eating fridge cold left over pizza and drinking cold Coopers Clear.  Yummmm!

I purposefully avoided watching romantic love stories.  So I opted to watch a this true story adaptation about a dog named Hachiko.  

Wrong choice.

This story made me cry and sob.  It tells of a story of undying love and loyalty. The movie is adapted from an old Japanese movie based from a true story that took place during the 20th century in Japan, behind a bronze statue of an Akita dog posted at the Shibuya Train Station in Tokyo, Japan.  In summary, Hachiko was a dog of a professor named Parker who died from an unexpected heart attack.  Hachiko waited for Parker to return home at the train station.  He waited for almost 10 years, up until the day he died.

Sharing few memorable quotes which struck a chord in my heart:

Parker Wilson: I'm a lot older than you but I tend to think that there's an element of music that cannot be captured. Life cannot be captured. Human heart cannot be captured. The moment of creation itself is fleeting. 

Carl: Look, you don't have to wait anymore. He's not coming back. 

Andy Wilson: Hey. You know we love you, Hachi. We want you to stay here with us. If you have to go... that's okay too. Good-bye, Hachi. 

Ken: [Talking in Japanese] It's been a year, hasn't it? I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think about Parker. He was a good friend. I understand how you feel. Hachi, my friend, Parker is never coming home. But if Hachiko wants to wait, then Hachiko should wait. You want to wait for him, don't you? Have a long life, Hachi. 

Cate Wilson: Hachi? Hachi? Oh, old thing! You're still waiting. That's right. If it's all right, could I wait with you for the next train? Yeah? Thanks. 

Yes, bad choice of movie for a lone woman on a Saturday night.  I feel so sad, that it has prompted me to blog out of the blue.

Sigh!  Need to watch another movie.  This time I will choose non sense crazy comedy.  Or better yet, how about suspense thriller.. Nahhh... better opt for informative documentaries.  It is safer that way.  


And yeah, next weekend no DVD marathon... How about a spa night instead? ...  Looking forward to that!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Excess Baggage


As I was preparing for my journey back to Aus land, I was very conscious not to go over my airline baggage limit. I made sure that I do not go over board with my shopping spree.  As I was packing, I had to weigh which ones to keep and which ones to let go.  Believe me, it was a tough decision to make, as I did not want to part with my shoes and matching bags, plus other accessories.  But at some point, I had to.

While I was busy packing and unpacking my stuff, it dawned on me that there is another kind of baggage, a heavier one, which should have been unloaded a long time ago.  I never knew I was carrying it along with me through the years, not until recently.

I have never been a jealous girlfriend.  In fact, my friend admire me for my cool and unaffected attitude towards other girls.  Brave Heart used to complain why I do not show any inclination of jealousy.  At the same time, I was oozing with confidence and trust whenever I used to call Player Ex and find him in a bar with some women's laughter in the background.  

However, this frame of mind was broken because of Player Ex who betrayed my trust confidence.  Not only did he cheat on me with his Ex Girlfriend, but he got someone else pregnant while we were in a relationship... and a year after our break-up, he ended up marrying his female best friend, who he used to go out often as well while we were together.

Man, this really screwed me up! It seemed to me that there is no such safe angle, either way one goes: ex girlfriend, stranger, even best friend!!!  This left me wounded, hurt, betrayed and scared.  I was so paranoid that poor  MunchK had to bear the brunt of my paranoia.  It was unfair for him.  Maybe I should have explained this part of my past more to him, so that he would appreciate where I am coming from, and understand my insecurities better.  But I kept this bottled up inside me, not wanting to expose the skeletons in my closet.

But it is my fault. What have I been doing all this time, keeping the skeletons in my closet anyway, when they should have been disposed long ago, even before I moved here in Australia?... But then again, I was not aware - of the skeleton and even of the closet.  But now that I know, I have made a conscious decision to bury these skeletons and clean up my closet.  I am definitely not bringing these skeletons with me in Ausland.

Past is past.  Player Ex hurt me once in the past.  I should not allow him to hurt me on and on and on... Once is enough for me.

At the the airport, no matter how I tried to contain my baggage, I still went over the baggage limit and ended up paying $130.00.  But it's all right because I brought with me all the things I want and those that makes me feel good and look good.  At the same time, I am happier knowing the fact that I have left behind the skeletons of my past rightfully in its place, buried in the deep.

I go back to Aus land not with a heavy heart because this time I know I am traveling lighter than usual. 

(But wait, how about MunhK? ... How can I leave behind something which is still a part of me? After all, it still has a heartbeat of its own???... Hmm, I think I know what I ought to do, I guess it is the only best thing to do ... Euthanasia... Am I ready for this?  Perhaps I will someday get to that point, somehow.)

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

The Prequel



Actually, I am no darling angel.  The truth of the matter is, I was a heart breaker before I became heart broken.  

This blog was borne out of my broken heart.  Back in the beginning when this  blog first started, all I needed was an outlet to vent all the pain, frustration, hurt, and fear.  I was like a broken record to my friends.  So I sought a new way of release.  An outlet to write and freely express myself.  And recently, this blog has been reactivated because of the current demise of what I thought to be THE LOVE of my life... But actually, before this blog came to be, I was a heart breaker. 

Back when I was younger, I was a driven achiever who would not stop at anything that comes in my way.  I was intimidating.  And I knew it.  But  I did not care.  He was the first man who was brave enough to pursue not only me but my entire family.  Flowers for me, chocolates for my mother, and pooh bear for younger sister.  

He was my first boyfriend.  Am not sure if it would be apt for him to call my my first love? So let's call him  "Brave Heart".  

Indeed, his presence filled a void in my heart, something which I have not felt before.  It was a unique experience to love and be loved in a romantic kind of way.  

Brave Heart ticked the boxes for me: a perfect gentleman, kind, sincere, generous,  tall, handsome, a self-made man and a pastor's brother.  Not only will he give the moon and the stars, but he would willingly give his arms, limbs, and even his life for me, if I asked for it.  His only drawback however is his extreme jealousy and insecurity.  Probably because he can sense that I am at my happiest in the company of other people than with his.

To say the least, yes, I loved him. But only for a period of time. For reasons I cannot explain and I myself don't understand, the love I had for him waned and started to erode.  And he is no fool.  He sensed it too.  He tried his best to please me and yet despite all his efforts, it amounted to nothing. To be fair, I too, tried my best to hold on and revive the love I used to have for him.  It was never easy for me.  I had to convince myself that I am happy with him.  I had to force myself to love him.  It was a struggle.  How can I break a heart that loves me so ever dearly with all his life?   

Until one day...  I still remember, it was one sunny Sunday afternoon.  And I remember more the words spoken on that day:

Him:  Do you love me?

Me:  Why do you ask?

Him:  I just want to hear you say it again.  Do you love me?

Me: Hmmm... I love you but I have to be honest with you.  I have observed in my heart that my love for you goes less and less with each passing day.  I don't know why.  But I am trying my best to love you in the same way that you love me.

Him: If that's the case, then we should break up.

Me: But why?  I still love you.

Him: So that at least when you look back, there is still some little love left in your heart.  I do not want to wait for that time when no love is left anymore.

Me:  Uh?  OK. If this is what you want.

Him:  Thank you.. But before I go, can you please tell me if there is someone else in your heart?

Me:  No, there is no one else.  However, there is the hope of finding someone else.

Him:  Thank you for being honest.

Me:  I am sorry.  I have nothing else to say. Thank you for setting me free.

Him:  Goodbye.

Me:  I am sorry.  I truly am.

When he left, I was stunned.  Where did I get that audacity to bombard him with the bitter truth?  I could have at least lied and made it gentle for him.  But no, I was honest and was so cruel and cold-hearted.  At that time the idea of lying to him never crossed my mind.


And just so that I would not feel guilty, I even forced myself to cry. I only cried once.  And after I cried, I wiped my eyes dry and never looked back... (Except now.)

From that day on, I swore to myself not to settle for less than having just a relationship.  It has taught me that it is better to be unhappy alone, than to be unhappy with someone.  I hate the feeling of being trapped in a loveless relationship. I told myself to find a love that is true, deep, committed, mad, crazy, earth-shaking, solid and long lasting. I willingly gave up Brave Heart's love, in search for the hope of finding that greater love.

"When you trip over love, it is easy to get up, But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again." 

And ten years later my search has brought me to a broken heart. Nevertheless, I think I was able to find that "greater love" that I was looking for - well, at least on my part.  No regrets.  However, I have also learned that it should be reciprocated as well. No one has ever loved me the way Brave Heart did.  Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to love him back, no matter what I try to do.  As I look back and reflect on the "old" me, it makes me think that what I felt for Brave Heart could be how both Player Ex and MunchK might be feeling about me, especially for the times I tried so hard to insist myself on them.

Is this what they call, "karma"?  Payback is a bitch.  Here I am eating a humble pie, in the hopes that I get to pay my penance for the wrong I have done and the hearts I have broken in my past.  


Admittedly, in between relationships, I have also been casually going out with some other men.  They were not mentioned in my blog, as I wanted to respect their privacy and only men of significant value in my heart are blog-worthy.  Sad but true, I have also been an ungracious recipient of some of these men's affection. And most of them I know even went through such great lengths just to try and please me.  I do not know why these foolish heart of mine insists its own way not to welcome them?  I sometimes even wonder myself.  But the more I try to force my heart, the more it rebels.  


To Brave Heart and the other men I have hurt, I am sorry.  Your pain did not go in vain, as I have now gained to learn a lesson from this.  Am sorry that this lesson came with a price, at the expense of your feelings.

"Be true to love.  And love will be true to you."


I bumped in with Brave Heart's brother.  We have bumped in with each other so many times before and casually chatted here and there.  But nothing prepared me for this encounter.  Just out of the blue, he politely asked me for my side of the story and the reason of our break up.  It was uncomfortable, but I felt like it was my way of making a confession for my wrongdoings.  I deeply extended my deep apologies.

Later in our conversation I discovered that Brave Heart's marriage is on the rocks.  He married the first woman who flirted with him after our break up.  He was devastated and lonely.  And so he fell for her.  Ten years and two kids later, Brave Heart is now trapped in a loveless marriage.  As his brother puts it, he is not happy in his marriage.

I felt sorry to the point of feeling guilty after hearing this story.  But I then realized I should not feel responsible for this anymore.  Part of the reason why I had to break up with him is so that he can find a love that he truly deserves.  Someone who will be able reciprocate his love.  

I am deeply sorry, for this is not the ending I wished for him.  After all, he is a good man, and he deserves to be happy.  But then again, his story is not yet over.  There is still hope of restoration for the love between him and his wife.  He has already tied the knot and made a vow.  I hope he remains strong and firm to stand by his marriage vow to remain true and committed to his wife, amidst their problems.

I now pause for a moment of silence and extend a prayer for Brave Heart, his wife, and his kids.  May they be showered with a happy family life. My both him and his wife find that beautiful, deep, committed and passionate kind of love for each other.   This is the only best thing that I can do.  This is my way of saying thanks and sorry... And hopefully, now, I have paid "karma" all my debts away.


Writing this has never been easy.  I never expected to look back this way again and think of Brave Heart.  I tried to avoid this part of my past because of guilt.  I am doing this so I can have a full closure of this part of my past.  I am doing this so I can express my sincere apologies.  I am truly very sorry. 


Before I was heart broken, I was a heart breaker.  Now, I am slowly picking up the pieces of my broken heart.  Sometimes in life, absolute brokeness is essential for the total healing of the heart.