Thursday, June 14, 2012

Excess Baggage

As I was preparing for my journey back to Aus land, I was very conscious not to go over my airline baggage limit. I made sure that I do not go over board with my shopping spree.  As I was packing, I had to weigh which ones to keep and which ones to let go.  Believe me, it was a tough decision to make, as I did not want to part with my shoes and matching bags, plus other accessories.  But at some point, I had to.

While I was busy packing and unpacking my stuff, it dawned on me that there is another kind of baggage, a heavier one, which should have been unloaded a long time ago.  I never knew I was carrying it along with me through the years, not until recently.

I have never been a jealous girlfriend.  In fact, my friend admire me for my cool and unaffected attitude towards other girls.  Brave Heart used to complain why I do not show any inclination of jealousy.  At the same time, I was oozing with confidence and trust whenever I used to call Player Ex and find him in a bar with some women's laughter in the background.  

However, this frame of mind was broken because of Player Ex who betrayed my trust confidence.  Not only did he cheat on me with his Ex Girlfriend, but he got someone else pregnant while we were in a relationship... and a year after our break-up, he ended up marrying his female best friend, who he used to go out often as well while we were together.

Man, this really screwed me up! It seemed to me that there is no such safe angle, either way one goes: ex girlfriend, stranger, even best friend!!!  This left me wounded, hurt, betrayed and scared.  I was so paranoid that poor  MunchK had to bear the brunt of my paranoia.  It was unfair for him.  Maybe I should have explained this part of my past more to him, so that he would appreciate where I am coming from, and understand my insecurities better.  But I kept this bottled up inside me, not wanting to expose the skeletons in my closet.

But it is my fault. What have I been doing all this time, keeping the skeletons in my closet anyway, when they should have been disposed long ago, even before I moved here in Australia?... But then again, I was not aware - of the skeleton and even of the closet.  But now that I know, I have made a conscious decision to bury these skeletons and clean up my closet.  I am definitely not bringing these skeletons with me in Ausland.

Past is past.  Player Ex hurt me once in the past.  I should not allow him to hurt me on and on and on... Once is enough for me.

At the the airport, no matter how I tried to contain my baggage, I still went over the baggage limit and ended up paying $130.00.  But it's all right because I brought with me all the things I want and those that makes me feel good and look good.  At the same time, I am happier knowing the fact that I have left behind the skeletons of my past rightfully in its place, buried in the deep.

I go back to Aus land not with a heavy heart because this time I know I am traveling lighter than usual. 

(But wait, how about MunhK? ... How can I leave behind something which is still a part of me? After all, it still has a heartbeat of its own???... Hmm, I think I know what I ought to do, I guess it is the only best thing to do ... Euthanasia... Am I ready for this?  Perhaps I will someday get to that point, somehow.)