Wednesday, June 06, 2012

The Prequel

Actually, I am no darling angel.  The truth of the matter is, I was a heart breaker before I became heart broken.  

This blog was borne out of my broken heart.  Back in the beginning when this  blog first started, all I needed was an outlet to vent all the pain, frustration, hurt, and fear.  I was like a broken record to my friends.  So I sought a new way of release.  An outlet to write and freely express myself.  And recently, this blog has been reactivated because of the current demise of what I thought to be THE LOVE of my life... But actually, before this blog came to be, I was a heart breaker. 

Back when I was younger, I was a driven achiever who would not stop at anything that comes in my way.  I was intimidating.  And I knew it.  But  I did not care.  He was the first man who was brave enough to pursue not only me but my entire family.  Flowers for me, chocolates for my mother, and pooh bear for younger sister.  

He was my first boyfriend.  Am not sure if it would be apt for him to call my my first love? So let's call him  "Brave Heart".  

Indeed, his presence filled a void in my heart, something which I have not felt before.  It was a unique experience to love and be loved in a romantic kind of way.  

Brave Heart ticked the boxes for me: a perfect gentleman, kind, sincere, generous,  tall, handsome, a self-made man and a pastor's brother.  Not only will he give the moon and the stars, but he would willingly give his arms, limbs, and even his life for me, if I asked for it.  His only drawback however is his extreme jealousy and insecurity.  Probably because he can sense that I am at my happiest in the company of other people than with his.

To say the least, yes, I loved him. But only for a period of time. For reasons I cannot explain and I myself don't understand, the love I had for him waned and started to erode.  And he is no fool.  He sensed it too.  He tried his best to please me and yet despite all his efforts, it amounted to nothing. To be fair, I too, tried my best to hold on and revive the love I used to have for him.  It was never easy for me.  I had to convince myself that I am happy with him.  I had to force myself to love him.  It was a struggle.  How can I break a heart that loves me so ever dearly with all his life?   

Until one day...  I still remember, it was one sunny Sunday afternoon.  And I remember more the words spoken on that day:

Him:  Do you love me?

Me:  Why do you ask?

Him:  I just want to hear you say it again.  Do you love me?

Me: Hmmm... I love you but I have to be honest with you.  I have observed in my heart that my love for you goes less and less with each passing day.  I don't know why.  But I am trying my best to love you in the same way that you love me.

Him: If that's the case, then we should break up.

Me: But why?  I still love you.

Him: So that at least when you look back, there is still some little love left in your heart.  I do not want to wait for that time when no love is left anymore.

Me:  Uh?  OK. If this is what you want.

Him:  Thank you.. But before I go, can you please tell me if there is someone else in your heart?

Me:  No, there is no one else.  However, there is the hope of finding someone else.

Him:  Thank you for being honest.

Me:  I am sorry.  I have nothing else to say. Thank you for setting me free.

Him:  Goodbye.

Me:  I am sorry.  I truly am.

When he left, I was stunned.  Where did I get that audacity to bombard him with the bitter truth?  I could have at least lied and made it gentle for him.  But no, I was honest and was so cruel and cold-hearted.  At that time the idea of lying to him never crossed my mind.

And just so that I would not feel guilty, I even forced myself to cry. I only cried once.  And after I cried, I wiped my eyes dry and never looked back... (Except now.)

From that day on, I swore to myself not to settle for less than having just a relationship.  It has taught me that it is better to be unhappy alone, than to be unhappy with someone.  I hate the feeling of being trapped in a loveless relationship. I told myself to find a love that is true, deep, committed, mad, crazy, earth-shaking, solid and long lasting. I willingly gave up Brave Heart's love, in search for the hope of finding that greater love.

"When you trip over love, it is easy to get up, But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again." 

And ten years later my search has brought me to a broken heart. Nevertheless, I think I was able to find that "greater love" that I was looking for - well, at least on my part.  No regrets.  However, I have also learned that it should be reciprocated as well. No one has ever loved me the way Brave Heart did.  Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to love him back, no matter what I try to do.  As I look back and reflect on the "old" me, it makes me think that what I felt for Brave Heart could be how both Player Ex and MunchK might be feeling about me, especially for the times I tried so hard to insist myself on them.

Is this what they call, "karma"?  Payback is a bitch.  Here I am eating a humble pie, in the hopes that I get to pay my penance for the wrong I have done and the hearts I have broken in my past.  

Admittedly, in between relationships, I have also been casually going out with some other men.  They were not mentioned in my blog, as I wanted to respect their privacy and only men of significant value in my heart are blog-worthy.  Sad but true, I have also been an ungracious recipient of some of these men's affection. And most of them I know even went through such great lengths just to try and please me.  I do not know why these foolish heart of mine insists its own way not to welcome them?  I sometimes even wonder myself.  But the more I try to force my heart, the more it rebels.  

To Brave Heart and the other men I have hurt, I am sorry.  Your pain did not go in vain, as I have now gained to learn a lesson from this.  Am sorry that this lesson came with a price, at the expense of your feelings.

"Be true to love.  And love will be true to you."

I bumped in with Brave Heart's brother.  We have bumped in with each other so many times before and casually chatted here and there.  But nothing prepared me for this encounter.  Just out of the blue, he politely asked me for my side of the story and the reason of our break up.  It was uncomfortable, but I felt like it was my way of making a confession for my wrongdoings.  I deeply extended my deep apologies.

Later in our conversation I discovered that Brave Heart's marriage is on the rocks.  He married the first woman who flirted with him after our break up.  He was devastated and lonely.  And so he fell for her.  Ten years and two kids later, Brave Heart is now trapped in a loveless marriage.  As his brother puts it, he is not happy in his marriage.

I felt sorry to the point of feeling guilty after hearing this story.  But I then realized I should not feel responsible for this anymore.  Part of the reason why I had to break up with him is so that he can find a love that he truly deserves.  Someone who will be able reciprocate his love.  

I am deeply sorry, for this is not the ending I wished for him.  After all, he is a good man, and he deserves to be happy.  But then again, his story is not yet over.  There is still hope of restoration for the love between him and his wife.  He has already tied the knot and made a vow.  I hope he remains strong and firm to stand by his marriage vow to remain true and committed to his wife, amidst their problems.

I now pause for a moment of silence and extend a prayer for Brave Heart, his wife, and his kids.  May they be showered with a happy family life. My both him and his wife find that beautiful, deep, committed and passionate kind of love for each other.   This is the only best thing that I can do.  This is my way of saying thanks and sorry... And hopefully, now, I have paid "karma" all my debts away.

Writing this has never been easy.  I never expected to look back this way again and think of Brave Heart.  I tried to avoid this part of my past because of guilt.  I am doing this so I can have a full closure of this part of my past.  I am doing this so I can express my sincere apologies.  I am truly very sorry. 

Before I was heart broken, I was a heart breaker.  Now, I am slowly picking up the pieces of my broken heart.  Sometimes in life, absolute brokeness is essential for the total healing of the heart.