Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Haunting

Ever since I came back here in Adelaide, people have been complimenting me about not only on my new look but also this "new brand of confidence"  that I seemingly exude.  They say I have a different aura.

I just smile and willingly accept their compliment.  They do not know that over time, I have learnt the art of faking and mastered the art of hiding. I am now  an up and rising actress ready to accept my best actress award anytime soon.

If only they know that I smile and laugh so hard not only to put on a show for them, but also to fool and convince myself that I am fine and moving on oh so well.  They do not know the gnawing pain and the shattering heartache I feel behind closed doors.  Everyday I wear a mask and hide behind a smile. 

However, my facade almost caved in earlier today at work... almost!

I was burying myself over a voluminous file while I was cross checking some court documents at work.  I heard no footsteps but I know someone was in my office room.  The smell of him filled the room.  

I stopped on my tracks.  At the whiff of the scent, I dropped the stack of papers I was flicking through and froze. It did not take long for me to recognize that brand of perfume.  It is MunchK's perfume.  It is his smell. Him.  Suddenly in that instant, flashbacks of memories of him came crashing through.  I was reminded of his warm loving embrace.  In a space of seconds it felt like "home".

I looked up and saw our junior solicitor.  He was startled at the look of my face.  Just before he can ask me if I was OK, I rushed to the toilet.  There, Bluebird came chirping on and reminded me of MunchK's hugs and the goodness of his strong comforting arms wrapped around me. Oh that sweet smell of him! I miss him so so so much.  


I cried my heart out until I ran out of tears.  Then I wiped my eyes dry powdered my face and put my mascara on.  As I stepped out of the toilet, I wore my acting face back.  It was lights, camera, action time.

Hours later, I approached that solicitor who visited my office. I was struggling whether I should ask him or not.  But I cannot stand the torture any longer.  Every time he passes by I am drawn to his smell.  I am so tempted to hug him even for that one brief moment, just to remember the good old days with MunchK.  But this cannot be.  And so, I mustered all courage I find within my soul and I politely asked him...

Me:  Sorry about earlier.  I do not know how to tell you this.  I hope you don't get offended. This is a bit embarrassing. But can you please stop wearing your new perfume?

Him: ahhhhh....? (Puzzled look... He was struggling for words to ask me why). 

Me:  Because it upsets me.  I am sorry, I know you would not understand but   ... it just upsets me and I cannot stand to be near you (trying so hard to hold back the tears).

Him (panicking at the sight of my tear glands swelling): Oh! All right.  Fine,  I won't wear it anymore.

Me:  (Deep sigh of relief!)  Thank you, you just made my day.



I was holding up so well and now I feel like going back to square one.  Dammit! I never realized how much I miss him. 

Suddenly, I heard little Bluebird whispering to me, "Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you still love him so."

But Bluebird, what can I do?  What can I do? ... Nothing but just continue with the show.  So smile and strike a pose, walk along that red carpet... the people are watching and your best actress award is waiting!  :) :) :)