Monday, July 30, 2012

Hummingbird



Just when I thought I have it all figured out, just when I thought that I can now move along at a cruising speed, cunning Bluebird sneaks out from the cage and schemes her revenge behind my back, while I am fast asleep.  It retaliates against me and comes with a vengeance, haunting me in my dreams. 

For the past consecutive nights, I have been dreaming about him.  I force myself to wake up as soon as I see him in my dreams.  And when I drift back to sleep, I see him there once again.   Whilst I consciously make an effort not to think about MunchK every waking moment, subconsciously Bluebird fights back to remind me of the hope I have tried so hard to bury.

Not a day would pass by that I would not fight within myself not to contact him. But I try to win over Bluebird and summon all the strength I can, to exercise restraint. 

Yes, I love him still.  But the important thing now is I am letting go. I have to. Why?  What else can I do? Bluebird, if you complain that this is killing you, then die.

I have had enough of Bluebird.  And so, I have decided to get a Hummingbird  (No, I am not planning to build an aviary, although it seems like it!) to constantly hum and playback the following realities to remind Bluebird and I:

1) If it's meant for me, I won't have to beg for it.  I will never have to sacrifice my dignity for my destiny.

2) If it is meant to be, it will be.  Everything in this universe will conspire to make it happen, not now but perhaps in the future.  In like manner, if it is not meant to be, then it won’t ever happen.  There is no way of forcing it. 

3) If he really wants to be with me he will be... he will find a way. And for whatever reason that he is not, it just simply means that honey, he is not that in to me. Where there is a will, there is always a way.  If it matters to him that much, he will find a way.  But if not, there are a thousand of excuses not to.

4) True love cannot be found where it does not exist.  Nor can it be hidden where it truly does. No matter how much love I feel in my heart, if he does not feel the same way for me, then it is futile.  I cannot fight for something that does not exist.

5) I need to let go and move on, in order to test myself as well.  IF he happens to come back after I have totally let go and fully moved on,.. will i still feel the same love as before?  Only then I will be able to prove to myself and to him, that yes, this is true love … But what if he does not come back?  Then at least I have moved on.

6) Whilst everything seems to unfold in the distant future, focus on the present.  The important thing is now. I need to anchor my actions and base my decisions in the current reality that I see.  Worry not about tomorrow. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

7) Life is a lesson of patience, humility and acceptance.  I must be patient, humble and accepting towards all the things that come my way.  Everything happens for a reason. I need to guard my heart from any form of bitterness.

8) Let go. Let God.  As long as I place myself in the centre of God’s will, even in the eye of the storm, everything will be all right. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me. His rod and staff, they comfort me.”

9) Love, embrace, cherish and celebrate myself. Not in a selfish kind of way, but before I can love others, I need to love myself too.  I should give myself the respect and dignity I deserve, before I expect others to do the same.

10) Life is beautiful, and so am I!  ... And someday, I will be loved.  

… But first things, first ... I won’t be beautiful if I do not go to sleep now…  It is almost 3:00AM, I should go to sleep now!

Hummingbird, can you please sing and hum a beautiful lullaby for me?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

How to Kill a Mocking Bird



After putting Bluebird in the cage, I can still hear her faint chirp in the background. Poor dear old little bird blue, wants to go out and fly.  But, nah-ah! Its wings must be clipped and its beak must be sealed.  And it knows well too that it is safer to stay inside the cage.  Because it is the only option it has got left anyway.  So Bluebird now decides to cooperate with me, even if it is killing her.

Peace and quiet.

As I tried to bask myself in silence, I noticed another kind of sound.   Another bird is sitting by my window pane.  It subtly chirps at first making a melodious tune and slowly making a sly mesmerizing melancholic melody.  It whistles and flirts with Bluebird, tempting Bluebird all the more to get out of the cage.  This little bird by my window is a Mocking Bird.

With Bluebird’s silence, it has prompted Mocking Bird to take the center stage and commence a concert, passionately belting its tune with all of its heart.  With Mocking Bird at the cynosure, I hear a cacophony of voices. So audible, that I am able to dissect each of the voices.  I hear the soprano voice of fear, intimidation, anxiety, and doubt.  Then there’s the alto voice of “I’m not good enough”, “I am always a failure when it comes to love”, “There is no man but him in my life, and he has rejected me. Pity old me”, “I am totally hopeless”.  Not to mention the baritone voice of perfectionism, pessimism, and cynicism.

It took me a while to notice Mocking Bird.  I was oblivious to it because it has been with me all these time, I just didn’t know.  Its music has been playing on as far as I can remember that it blended so well in the background and I thought it was just but part of the normal landscape. I got accustomed to it.

I have also not noticed it, but all these time I was singing along with these voices whilst dancing to their rhythm.  Now with Bluebird in seclusion, I am left with nothing but Mocking Bird’s company.  Suddenly, Mocking Bird’s a cappella of voices went on concerto de accelerando. So loud that my head hurts and my soul bruised, rousing Bluebird in the cage and causing her to consider doing a jail break.

Stop!!! I must control the self, before the self controls me.  Like how I caged Bluebird, I must contain Mocking Bird. But this time, no cage for Mocking Bird because it does not deserve a space in my room.  Mocking Bird is stray vermin. It is an unwanted guest. Outside my windows, there it belongs.  I should stop entertaining and feeding it. Otherwise, to will grow so fat, overweight even, that its wings could not lift itself to fly far off from my windows.

Mocking Bird, I do not have to listen and talk to you anymore.  Whilst it may be fun, but doing so will destroy me in the long run.  It changes nothing, and it only steals my happiness and erodes my hope.  Sure I feel the pain, but it does not mean I have to nurture it and encourage it.  Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  I have to break free from the mould.  I know this will entail extra energy for me to silence these voices, however I will lose more energy in the end if I keep on listening to these voices.

But how am I going to do this?  I mean, for the longest time Mocking Bird has been an invisible companion and its music has always been in the background.  Sadly there is no volume gauge where we can just press to the mute button.  Sure hope it is as easy as that.  It may be darn difficult, but still doable.

So now, how do I kill a Mocking Bird, and a giant one at that?  For starters, awareness is the key.  At least I know what I am up against with.  I can start by guarding the windows of my mind, and ensure not to allow any space of opening for Mocking Bird to come in.  This time, I am not obligated to open my windows anymore.  I am not in a way denying these thoughts, nor am I suppressing them.  I acknowledge their presence, but I do not have to dwell on these thoughts and even more so let them linger.

I know I cannot kill Mocking Bird by force.  But I can instead slowly poison it with the power of optimism, love, faith, and hope.  In the bible, Philippians 4:8 says it all, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

To kill Mocking Bird may be bloody hard.  But I will give it a try.  I know I can.  I shall.  I will.

Hush now. Silence in progress… (Hmmm, is that the cricket noise in the background?) 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Learning the Art of Letting Go



The night after I blogged about caging Bluebird and finally dared to let go, I could not sleep.  I woke up again in the wee hours of the morning.  I just kept on thinking about what I just wrote.  It took me a lot of courage to write it. Writing about it is a declaration to myself and to the worldwide web (though I doubt if there are many people reading my blog, but I don’t mind) of my decision.  No turning back?

Did I make the right move?  Is it too soon?  So there's no hope anymore?  What if there is still hope? What if I regret it? Questions barraged my mind. 

Stop!  I do not want to think anymore!  And so I filled my mind with silence and prayed and knocked on heaven’s doors for wisdom, affirmation and strength.

As I closed my eyes and placed my palms on to my face, a realization struck me:

Life is short, live it to the fullest.  We only live once, make it a happy life.  After giving all your best, let go of what you cannot change.  MunchK has given you the gift of freedom.  Accept it, unwrap it, use it, maximize it.

But before you can receive that gift, you have to empty yourself.  You have to let go of the things that no longer belong to you, so that you will be able to receive the things that is truly meant for you, the things that you truly deserve, the things that are really worth your time, attention, effort, energy and love.

Letting go does not mean to disconnect yourself.  Letting go is just giving the other person his time, space and freedom.

Letting go is not to care for, but to care about.

Letting go is not trying to change, manipulate, or influence the other person.  Letting go is the realization that he is entitled to make his own decisions in life (even if you think it is wrong), and respecting that decision.

Letting go is not about taking matters in to your hands and leading it to the best outcome possible – according to your views and standards.  Letting go is being supportive and allowing the other person to be master of his own destiny.

Letting go is not being protective.  Letting go is allowing the other person to stumble, fall, and hopefully learn from their mistakes.

Letting go is not about blaming, judging, or criticizing the other person.  Letting go means having full accountability of your own mistakes and shortcomings as well, and learning from them and correcting them.

Letting go is not admitting defeat.  Letting go is the realization that there are just some things outside of your sphere of control, and being humble enough to accept that.

Letting go is not about saving pride and winning the game.  Letting go is learning to be patient and embracing the uncertainties of life, taking each day as it is.

Letting go is not rejecting the other person.  Letting go is celebrating yourself.

Letting go is not giving up hope. Letting go is daring to dream and pursuing the hope for something better.

Letting go is not regretting the past.  Letting go is living the present and developing the future.

Letting go is to fear less, and love more.

When he left, I saw the good in goodbye.  Him.  After everything I went through, I am still thankful for the time I had with him.  Although it was only for a borrowed time, the experience and the memories were truly beautiful, and I know that I could not have experienced it any better with anyone.  But it is all over now.  Time to let go. 

Now, as I try to let go, I see the better in goodbye.  Me.  Hi there, Gorgeous! Time to celebrate myself.  Time to embrace myself.  Time to build new dreams.  Time to build a better version of myself. 

Hopefully in time, I will open my heart anew, and see the best in goodbye… I know I will... Because the best is yet to come.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Euthanasia



I have built a clad iron cage hedged with electric barbwire.  It has been parked aside the garage of my heart, as I have been wanting to procrastinate it as long as I could.

It is over between us. We have not been in contact for a while now. I have put his happiness before mine.  It would not be right to bother him with my feelings any longer. He has left a long time ago.  He has moved on.  He has closed the door on me.  But here I am living in is shadows.  He is gone, but his presence still resides with me.  And I sometimes feel like a loser, just knowing this.

The pain never goes away.  It has just become more tolerable over time.  I have been holding on to the pain, because this is the only way that I can be with MunchK.  No matter how much hurts, I cling on to this last remnant of him, because sadly, this is the only thing that is left of us... of him, most especially. 

But how much more heartache do I have to feel, before I can say, enough is enough?

I need to snap myself out of this pit.  The longer I stay, the deeper the hole gets.  Must I wait until I hit rock bottom and reach my breaking point? When will that be?  Until I completely lose my sanity, my joy, my hope, my dignity, my sense of self worth?...  Must I wait for that time to come?

He has rejected and abandoned his love for me.  Must I reject and abandon myself too?  I love him with all my heart that I gave everything to him and forgot to leave some piece for myself.

They say if you love someone, you have to let them go.  But for me, if you love someone you have to fight for that person.   They say it takes strength and courage to let go.  But I say, it takes more strength and courage to hold on and not give up. To me, letting go is giving up, admitting defeat. 

One thing I know for sure is that I tried my very best to stand up and fight for my love down to the very last drop.  At least no regrets for me, no what if’s.  I was not the one who said goodbye.  I did not leave him.  He let me go.  If I truly meant something to him, he would have fought for me. He would have stayed, no matter what other people tell him and despite the circumstances. 

There is no defeat for me to admit. He left.  I tried but I cannot bring him back anymore.  Still, my Bluebird heart flies fast and wide, searching, longing, and hoping for him.  I think the time has finally come for me to take a grip of Bluebird and put her in the cage. 

Bluebird heart be still.  Let go.  Pull the trigger. Bite the bullet.  I don’t want to.  But I have to.  For my sanity and safety. 

I am not making a decision to stop loving him, but instead I am making a decision to stop hurting myself.  Letting go does not mean that I don’t care about him anymore.  It is just realizing that in the end, the only person I really have control over is myself.

So now, in to your cage, little Bluebird.  Behave and be still.  Everything will be all right.


Letting go does not mean the end of my love story.  Rather, it spells the beginning of a new life.  With death comes resurrection.  Out of the ashes, hope will rise.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Solitude

Something life changing definitely happened with "S" (who I will now call "Bestie" from hereon). Since I came back from my one month holiday, she has gone out of her shell!  She is out there socializing and meeting new people and going out with them. 

I am ever proud to see how this once shy and self-sheltered lady has gone out of her cocoon and morphed into a social butterfly, meeting a couple of different guys in a span of weeks!  This is a major transformation for her.  I am happy to see that she is now venturing the social dating circle.

The tables have definitely turned. Way before in the past I was the social dater and she was the  stay at home introvert girl.  Now,  our roles have definitely reversed.  While she goes out meeting new guy friends, I am left home alone, on my own.

She sometimes feels bad leaving me home alone.  So often I am invited to tag along as the third wheel.  Sometimes I join, sometimes I don't.  (I remember the first time I joined her, I think I "ruined" her date!) I encourage her to go out and explore.  This is her time.  And besides, one of us has to do it.  Otherwise we will be endangering ourselves being contented with each other's company that soon before we even know it, we might find ourselves growing gray hairs, sitting on a rocking chair, knitting BFF sweaters for each other.

I actually feel excited for her.  Even if I am "hiber-dating", I still get to experience and observe the dating world vicariously through her.  Every time she goes out, I wait for her, like a wide-eyed child waiting to hear different tales of her encounters.  And somehow, I learn and grow from her stories as well.  Hopefully someday, this will inspire me to go out too.  

But for now, I choose to tread on oh so carefully. At this stage, I am at my most vulnerable state.  I am guarding myself, building barb wires around my heart, lest I get myself attached to any Tom, Dick or Harry who will shower me with attention and show me kindness.   I still have so much love to give, I may well just be looking for a receptacle of that love.  I do not want to be emotionally involved for the wrong reasons.  So, more than being vulnerable right now, I am heavily guarded.

I know there is a difference between being afraid of loving again and being careful with love.  Fear versus caution?  I think I am both. But I am using this time to heal myself, and recuperate my heart... Any broken-heart surgeons out there???   

In the mean time, I try to get by on my own - spending time with me, myself and I. Hello long-lost dear old friends: hello lonely nights, hello solitude, hello myself...  we meet again. :) :) :)