Thursday, July 12, 2012

Euthanasia



I have built a clad iron cage hedged with electric barbwire.  It has been parked aside the garage of my heart, as I have been wanting to procrastinate it as long as I could.

It is over between us. We have not been in contact for a while now. I have put his happiness before mine.  It would not be right to bother him with my feelings any longer. He has left a long time ago.  He has moved on.  He has closed the door on me.  But here I am living in is shadows.  He is gone, but his presence still resides with me.  And I sometimes feel like a loser, just knowing this.

The pain never goes away.  It has just become more tolerable over time.  I have been holding on to the pain, because this is the only way that I can be with MunchK.  No matter how much hurts, I cling on to this last remnant of him, because sadly, this is the only thing that is left of us... of him, most especially. 

But how much more heartache do I have to feel, before I can say, enough is enough?

I need to snap myself out of this pit.  The longer I stay, the deeper the hole gets.  Must I wait until I hit rock bottom and reach my breaking point? When will that be?  Until I completely lose my sanity, my joy, my hope, my dignity, my sense of self worth?...  Must I wait for that time to come?

He has rejected and abandoned his love for me.  Must I reject and abandon myself too?  I love him with all my heart that I gave everything to him and forgot to leave some piece for myself.

They say if you love someone, you have to let them go.  But for me, if you love someone you have to fight for that person.   They say it takes strength and courage to let go.  But I say, it takes more strength and courage to hold on and not give up. To me, letting go is giving up, admitting defeat. 

One thing I know for sure is that I tried my very best to stand up and fight for my love down to the very last drop.  At least no regrets for me, no what if’s.  I was not the one who said goodbye.  I did not leave him.  He let me go.  If I truly meant something to him, he would have fought for me. He would have stayed, no matter what other people tell him and despite the circumstances. 

There is no defeat for me to admit. He left.  I tried but I cannot bring him back anymore.  Still, my Bluebird heart flies fast and wide, searching, longing, and hoping for him.  I think the time has finally come for me to take a grip of Bluebird and put her in the cage. 

Bluebird heart be still.  Let go.  Pull the trigger. Bite the bullet.  I don’t want to.  But I have to.  For my sanity and safety. 

I am not making a decision to stop loving him, but instead I am making a decision to stop hurting myself.  Letting go does not mean that I don’t care about him anymore.  It is just realizing that in the end, the only person I really have control over is myself.

So now, in to your cage, little Bluebird.  Behave and be still.  Everything will be all right.


Letting go does not mean the end of my love story.  Rather, it spells the beginning of a new life.  With death comes resurrection.  Out of the ashes, hope will rise.

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