Monday, July 30, 2012

Hummingbird



Just when I thought I have it all figured out, just when I thought that I can now move along at a cruising speed, cunning Bluebird sneaks out from the cage and schemes her revenge behind my back, while I am fast asleep.  It retaliates against me and comes with a vengeance, haunting me in my dreams. 

For the past consecutive nights, I have been dreaming about him.  I force myself to wake up as soon as I see him in my dreams.  And when I drift back to sleep, I see him there once again.   Whilst I consciously make an effort not to think about MunchK every waking moment, subconsciously Bluebird fights back to remind me of the hope I have tried so hard to bury.

Not a day would pass by that I would not fight within myself not to contact him. But I try to win over Bluebird and summon all the strength I can, to exercise restraint. 

Yes, I love him still.  But the important thing now is I am letting go. I have to. Why?  What else can I do? Bluebird, if you complain that this is killing you, then die.

I have had enough of Bluebird.  And so, I have decided to get a Hummingbird  (No, I am not planning to build an aviary, although it seems like it!) to constantly hum and playback the following realities to remind Bluebird and I:

1) If it's meant for me, I won't have to beg for it.  I will never have to sacrifice my dignity for my destiny.

2) If it is meant to be, it will be.  Everything in this universe will conspire to make it happen, not now but perhaps in the future.  In like manner, if it is not meant to be, then it won’t ever happen.  There is no way of forcing it. 

3) If he really wants to be with me he will be... he will find a way. And for whatever reason that he is not, it just simply means that honey, he is not that in to me. Where there is a will, there is always a way.  If it matters to him that much, he will find a way.  But if not, there are a thousand of excuses not to.

4) True love cannot be found where it does not exist.  Nor can it be hidden where it truly does. No matter how much love I feel in my heart, if he does not feel the same way for me, then it is futile.  I cannot fight for something that does not exist.

5) I need to let go and move on, in order to test myself as well.  IF he happens to come back after I have totally let go and fully moved on,.. will i still feel the same love as before?  Only then I will be able to prove to myself and to him, that yes, this is true love … But what if he does not come back?  Then at least I have moved on.

6) Whilst everything seems to unfold in the distant future, focus on the present.  The important thing is now. I need to anchor my actions and base my decisions in the current reality that I see.  Worry not about tomorrow. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

7) Life is a lesson of patience, humility and acceptance.  I must be patient, humble and accepting towards all the things that come my way.  Everything happens for a reason. I need to guard my heart from any form of bitterness.

8) Let go. Let God.  As long as I place myself in the centre of God’s will, even in the eye of the storm, everything will be all right. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me. His rod and staff, they comfort me.”

9) Love, embrace, cherish and celebrate myself. Not in a selfish kind of way, but before I can love others, I need to love myself too.  I should give myself the respect and dignity I deserve, before I expect others to do the same.

10) Life is beautiful, and so am I!  ... And someday, I will be loved.  

… But first things, first ... I won’t be beautiful if I do not go to sleep now…  It is almost 3:00AM, I should go to sleep now!

Hummingbird, can you please sing and hum a beautiful lullaby for me?

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