Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Solitude

Something life changing definitely happened with "S" (who I will now call "Bestie" from hereon). Since I came back from my one month holiday, she has gone out of her shell!  She is out there socializing and meeting new people and going out with them. 

I am ever proud to see how this once shy and self-sheltered lady has gone out of her cocoon and morphed into a social butterfly, meeting a couple of different guys in a span of weeks!  This is a major transformation for her.  I am happy to see that she is now venturing the social dating circle.

The tables have definitely turned. Way before in the past I was the social dater and she was the  stay at home introvert girl.  Now,  our roles have definitely reversed.  While she goes out meeting new guy friends, I am left home alone, on my own.

She sometimes feels bad leaving me home alone.  So often I am invited to tag along as the third wheel.  Sometimes I join, sometimes I don't.  (I remember the first time I joined her, I think I "ruined" her date!) I encourage her to go out and explore.  This is her time.  And besides, one of us has to do it.  Otherwise we will be endangering ourselves being contented with each other's company that soon before we even know it, we might find ourselves growing gray hairs, sitting on a rocking chair, knitting BFF sweaters for each other.

I actually feel excited for her.  Even if I am "hiber-dating", I still get to experience and observe the dating world vicariously through her.  Every time she goes out, I wait for her, like a wide-eyed child waiting to hear different tales of her encounters.  And somehow, I learn and grow from her stories as well.  Hopefully someday, this will inspire me to go out too.  

But for now, I choose to tread on oh so carefully. At this stage, I am at my most vulnerable state.  I am guarding myself, building barb wires around my heart, lest I get myself attached to any Tom, Dick or Harry who will shower me with attention and show me kindness.   I still have so much love to give, I may well just be looking for a receptacle of that love.  I do not want to be emotionally involved for the wrong reasons.  So, more than being vulnerable right now, I am heavily guarded.

I know there is a difference between being afraid of loving again and being careful with love.  Fear versus caution?  I think I am both. But I am using this time to heal myself, and recuperate my heart... Any broken-heart surgeons out there???   

In the mean time, I try to get by on my own - spending time with me, myself and I. Hello long-lost dear old friends: hello lonely nights, hello solitude, hello myself...  we meet again. :) :) :)

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