Friday, August 24, 2012

The Prescription


Yesterday I received a scolding from my doctor and a surprising medical advice. 

Doctor:  You still got a fever.  Why did you still go to work?  Go home and rest. Stop using your work as a diversion and an outlet.  If you are bored, get an internet boyfriend.  Just go home.

I was stunned by his remark.  I wanted to ask him in jest, if I should do it "three times a day?".  But I bit my tongue.  He looked serious and had a stern face when he told me off.

Actually, my doctor made sense. I have been using my work as my diversion not to be home alone.  But it is not the boredom that I am afraid of.  It is Mocking Bird.  I try to avoid any lull moments with myself and give the opportunity for my thoughts to drift away and take me that dangerous place of fear, insecurity, loneliness, despair, and deep longing.

But then I was also reminded of Hummingbird.  Why not make the most out of this time to bask myself with the positive, encouraging, merry music of Hummingbird?  Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.  Hmmm.. Sounds like a nice plan!

So after the doctor's I went back to the office to quickly bid everyone at work good bye and a happy weekend.

Now, I am no longer afraid to be home alone, because I know I am in good company.  Me. 

As for the internet boyfriend.. Hmmm... I will have to think about it first. Now now but maybe in the future, who knows? ... Hahahaha!  

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P.S.

The next day after my doctor's appointment, I still was not feeling better. In fact, I was getting worse.  I had so much pressure in between my ears I felt my head was going to explode anytime soon!  So I had to visit a different doctor closer to my house.  This time, the doctor prescribed my with Antiboys, errr.. Antibiotics!  ... Now that's a more sound prescription!!!!

Note to myself:  Get well soon, pretty young thing.  Stay pretty and pink. xxx  

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Inner Strength


Down with a sore throat, cough, headaches and achey bones.  

I have always prided myself for being healthy, fit and strong.   

It is so not me to cancel a lesson or a meeting appointment just because of a cough...  But I had to.

It is so not me to take a time off from work because I am feeling unwell... But I had to.  

It is so not me to visit the doctor... But this time, I had to.

The virus, the flu bug, call it whatever.. caught me big time, this time.
I thought I was bullet proof.

It makes me realize how I take small things for granted, especially my health.  Now that I am feeling sick, makes me feel grateful for being healthy.
When you are sick, your prioties change.  All other issues in life goes in to the back burner.
And yeah your oultook may also be affected.  But how you see things and how you respond to your illnes is up to you.
Be grouchy?  or Be grateful? ... I would rather make this a pleasant experience.

Lying in bed, feeling sick, I wish someone could make me a chicken soup?

But no one else is here but me.

Silence.

Then, Mocking Bird slyly flew past by and chirrped out an invitation to take my mind for an expedition to self-pity lane.

And so I snapped at that thought and told myself, "Get up, get up.  Be strong and make yourself some chicken soup."

Then, it hit me: WHEN YOU ARE WEAK, THAT'S THE TIME YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF.

And so I got up, made myself a chicken soup.

Yuuuummmm!!!!

I feel better and happy now. I am no longer glued to my bed and a pile of pillows. :)

A good lesson learned: I need to rise above the occasion and be strong for myself.  Today and everyday.  In this circumstance, and in in my everday dealings in life, especially matters of the heart. 

Note to myself:  Be Strong, Stay Beautiful. When you feel weak, remember that you are greater than what you are feeling.  You are stronger than what you think.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Serendipity


I have read from an article that we meet different kinds of people along the way as we journey on with life.  These people have various roles to play in our life: either they are there for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime.

But I guess, it can be all of the above.  You may meet someone at a certain point of season in your life for a reason, but the impact, the memories, the influence, and possibly the love may last a lifetime.

It has been said that we must not cry because it ended, but instead smile that it happened.  

I agree.  I realized that sometimes we come in to a person's life not to make them love us, but to let them feel that they are so much worth loving for.

Live life to the fullest. Love as if you have never been hurt before. Dream like it is going to come true.  Fly high like the sky is the limit. Celebrate life like heaven on earth.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Swan Song




Caught up with a group of lady friends over lunch.  It did not take long for the conversation to turn in to a bitch fest against the opposite gender, in particular the Ex’es.  Of course, I was in my usual demure self, and said nothing but a smile the entire time. 

Then there was silence. 

When they noticed how I was just a silent spectator through out the whole conversation, all heads turned towards me, signalling me to take centre stage, head towards the spotlight and proceed with my monologue of lamentations.

But I did not budge. 

And so they prodded me and teased me to vent out my repressed emotions.  They knew I have lots of things to say and so much more to contribute to the topic.  My silence made them even more curious and wanting to hear some more.

Eventually, I succumbed to peer pressure.

Within that short space of time, I wondered which of my winged friends shall take cruise control?  Bluebird? Mocking Bird? Or Hummingbird?  I listened to that sweet beautiful melody.  I followed my heart, and decided to share the swan song Hummingbird sings to me everyday…

Everyday, I still pray for him.  I wish him well.  I pray that he is safe, happy and may he find what he is looking for.  May he get what he wants, and may he want what he gets.

I guard my heart from bitterness and replace it with kindness instead.     He did not hurt me.  He did not force me to be in pain.  I did.  I am responsible for my feelings and thoughts. I was the one who was holding on to the pain and making a monument out of the situation. He did what he thought he had to.  Whilst I think he did not make the best choice of action (and personally, I think he just made the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go and losing me), I love him still – and I respect, accept and support his decision. 

I extend kindness and compassion to him because he too is searching for love.  It is just unfortunate that both his love for me and the love I give to him are not enough for him to stay and fight for me.  After all, if he truly loves me, he would not be able to stand being apart from me, and he will find a way to be with me.  Love will always find a way...  Always.

I may have no control over his feelings, decisions, and actions, but I have over mine. I have to make do with what is made available for me.  Me.  I realized that I cannot and should not be with someone who cannot picture me in his future and could not include me in his dreams, hope and plans of his future.  He may be in mine, but I am not in his. No matter how willing I am to give my world to him, he cannot give me his.  I  can no longer hold a heart that does not belong to me anymore. And so I have to let go.

It frustrates me to think that I am not the woman who can make him smile all the days of his life… But then I realized that by stepping aside, I am making this dream a possible reality, after all.  And so I have to move along.

The situation may seem unfair.  The truth hurts.  Reality bites.  But it is what it is.  I cannot fight it.   I used to cross-examine the situation and question myself over and over of the things I should have and should have not done.  Why did he have to leave?  Why can’t he fight for us anymore?  What could I have done better to make him stay and fight for me?  However, indulging on these thoughts just amplifies the pain.   As much as I want answers, I know these questions may possibly be part of my life’s mysteries that may not be answered. So instead of seeking to understand, I now seek to accept the situation. 

The only regret I have is losing him completely, even friendship with him.  When we parted, I told him to take the lead… and I will follow.  He has chosen the path for us.  And true to my word, I humbly follow.

Then there was more silence…

Until someone broke the ice and quipped, “Wow, you are not only a martyr, you are a saint.

I then told her, “No.  I am just a woman.  A woman in love.”

…   ...   ...    ...   ...   ...   ...   ...    ...   ...   ...   ...   ...



MunchK, wherever you are, let this be my open letter to you.  I know you don’t read this blog, but somehow, I hope this message comes through in a telepathic kind of way.  

I thank you for coming in to my life.  Loving you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened in my life.   I just hope that in some way, I too was able to touch and enrich your life and hopefully made you a better person, like the way you did to me. 

Like I told you before, I am always here for you… always, even until now and tomorrow, including the times when you don’t need me. I truly mean it.  If you should come back to me, then we are meant to be.  But if not, it’s OK.  I accept your decision.  I am setting you free.  I am letting you go. For your sake and peace of mind, I too will try my best to move along. I will try my very best to make this the last time that I blog about you.  I just want to put your case to rest.   Live.  Be free.  Be happy. xxx