Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Swan Song

Caught up with a group of lady friends over lunch.  It did not take long for the conversation to turn in to a bitch fest against the opposite gender, in particular the Ex’es.  Of course, I was in my usual demure self, and said nothing but a smile the entire time. 

Then there was silence. 

When they noticed how I was just a silent spectator through out the whole conversation, all heads turned towards me, signalling me to take centre stage, head towards the spotlight and proceed with my monologue of lamentations.

But I did not budge. 

And so they prodded me and teased me to vent out my repressed emotions.  They knew I have lots of things to say and so much more to contribute to the topic.  My silence made them even more curious and wanting to hear some more.

Eventually, I succumbed to peer pressure.

Within that short space of time, I wondered which of my winged friends shall take cruise control?  Bluebird? Mocking Bird? Or Hummingbird?  I listened to that sweet beautiful melody.  I followed my heart, and decided to share the swan song Hummingbird sings to me everyday…

Everyday, I still pray for him.  I wish him well.  I pray that he is safe, happy and may he find what he is looking for.  May he get what he wants, and may he want what he gets.

I guard my heart from bitterness and replace it with kindness instead.     He did not hurt me.  He did not force me to be in pain.  I did.  I am responsible for my feelings and thoughts. I was the one who was holding on to the pain and making a monument out of the situation. He did what he thought he had to.  Whilst I think he did not make the best choice of action (and personally, I think he just made the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go and losing me), I love him still – and I respect, accept and support his decision. 

I extend kindness and compassion to him because he too is searching for love.  It is just unfortunate that both his love for me and the love I give to him are not enough for him to stay and fight for me.  After all, if he truly loves me, he would not be able to stand being apart from me, and he will find a way to be with me.  Love will always find a way...  Always.

I may have no control over his feelings, decisions, and actions, but I have over mine. I have to make do with what is made available for me.  Me.  I realized that I cannot and should not be with someone who cannot picture me in his future and could not include me in his dreams, hope and plans of his future.  He may be in mine, but I am not in his. No matter how willing I am to give my world to him, he cannot give me his.  I  can no longer hold a heart that does not belong to me anymore. And so I have to let go.

It frustrates me to think that I am not the woman who can make him smile all the days of his life… But then I realized that by stepping aside, I am making this dream a possible reality, after all.  And so I have to move along.

The situation may seem unfair.  The truth hurts.  Reality bites.  But it is what it is.  I cannot fight it.   I used to cross-examine the situation and question myself over and over of the things I should have and should have not done.  Why did he have to leave?  Why can’t he fight for us anymore?  What could I have done better to make him stay and fight for me?  However, indulging on these thoughts just amplifies the pain.   As much as I want answers, I know these questions may possibly be part of my life’s mysteries that may not be answered. So instead of seeking to understand, I now seek to accept the situation. 

The only regret I have is losing him completely, even friendship with him.  When we parted, I told him to take the lead… and I will follow.  He has chosen the path for us.  And true to my word, I humbly follow.

Then there was more silence…

Until someone broke the ice and quipped, “Wow, you are not only a martyr, you are a saint.

I then told her, “No.  I am just a woman.  A woman in love.”

…   ...   ...    ...   ...   ...   ...   ...    ...   ...   ...   ...   ...

MunchK, wherever you are, let this be my open letter to you.  I know you don’t read this blog, but somehow, I hope this message comes through in a telepathic kind of way.  

I thank you for coming in to my life.  Loving you was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened in my life.   I just hope that in some way, I too was able to touch and enrich your life and hopefully made you a better person, like the way you did to me. 

Like I told you before, I am always here for you… always, even until now and tomorrow, including the times when you don’t need me. I truly mean it.  If you should come back to me, then we are meant to be.  But if not, it’s OK.  I accept your decision.  I am setting you free.  I am letting you go. For your sake and peace of mind, I too will try my best to move along. I will try my very best to make this the last time that I blog about you.  I just want to put your case to rest.   Live.  Be free.  Be happy. xxx