Thursday, September 27, 2012

When There's a Will, There's a Way

Woke up with this thought in mind:

When there's something you really want, fight for it, no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're going to wish you gave it just one more shot. Because the best things in life, they don't come free.

Never give up something you really want. It may be difficult to wait and strive hard to achieve it, but it is much more difficut to regret later in life. Nobody said it would be easy, but it would be worth it.

Now matter how daunting the circumstances may be, when there is a will, there is a way. There always is.

Never say never. In this world of change, the only thing constant is change.  Yes, people can change, if they allow themselves to, and if they have found the reason to want to.

Love is always enough.  And love will find a way.  Always.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Life is Beautiful, And So Am I

I sometimes deliberately avoid being on my own, because my mask falls of behind closed doors  and I am confronted with my melancholic self.  But then I realized, that if I carry on with this mindset, I will be eternally frustrated.  After all, I can never escape from myself, can I?  People may come and go, but I remain with myself.  I discovered that I can either be my own worst enemy or my own best friend.  The choice is up to me.  Obviously, I want to be happy and I do not want to continue with this endless war against my very own self.

And so in my solitude, I took considerate time to go on a journey of self discovery and revisiting myself.  I looked at the mirror. Who is this girl I see, staring back at me? I looked deep and straight to her eyes, until I saw her soul. 

I used to be so insecure about my looks to the point that I could not look at myself in the mirror. I remember walking through the malls or shopping centre where there are flashy mirrors all around, I would avoid looking at them, because I cringed by just looking at my own reflection. I hated how I look from head to toe. I was chubby, short, with pimples all over my face, etc... .  I never considered myself as part of the "pretty girls" group.  

The journey was long and winding but it led me to a slow and beautiful transformation, much more so in the inside, beyond skin deep.  Now, I know better.  I believe I am created in the image and likeness of God.  And everything God creates is beautiful.   And so I accept, love and embrace myself (fats, cellulites, pimples and all!).  

Well, admittedly I may still have my moments now and then, but I am learning to fight it.  My appearance is just a fragment of my whole being.  I am more than just the number on the scales, I am more than the wrinkles on my face.  I am more than what meets the eyes.  

I am full of meaning, purpose, and potential.  I create every moment.  Possibilities are endless. I have it in me, and it is up to me to make it real.  I choose not to be defined by the size of my body, nor the weight on the scales.  I choose to be defined by the size of my heart and the weight of my words.

Nevertheless, this should not be taken as an excuse for me to let loose to eat what I want and do as I please any time and anyhow. Note that there is a striking difference between self love and narcissism, of loving myself and of being selfish. Part of loving myself is taking full responsibility of myself and taking care of myself by choosing the right and healthy choices. And these right and healthy choices may mean giving up momentary pleasures that give instant gratification, but temporary relief.  These right and healthy choices may mean going after the more difficult decisions.  It may feel hard and bitter for now, but its fruit in the long run is sweet and everlasting. Part of self love is self discipline (which may sometimes entail self sacrifice), in all aspects of life not only physically, but financially, emotionally, socially, and spiritually as well. 

As the journey continues, I have to be patient with myself.  I pick up and learn from my mistakes. At the same time, I hone and develop my achievements.  I am a work in progress.  What I am and the person I am creating out of myself is my gift to the world. And more importantly, it is my tribute to God, to Him who created me.  

Thursday, September 06, 2012

WWW: Words, Writings and Windows

As the doors are closed, some windows are opened.  The end of my love story has catapulted me to rediscover my love for writing. I write when I am sad, just as I also cry.  The sadder I am, the more I write.

Writing enables me not only to express, but also organise all my pent up emotions.  Sometimes I find myself lost in between a jumble of mixed sentiments, leaving me confused and stupefied.  Writing is my way of sorting out myself.  As I weave my tears in to words, it brings me to a journey of self discovery, an enlightenment of why I feel what I feel, thus guiding me to process and internalize what I should do in response to these feelings.

I have employed various mediums where I can dance my words in writing: both off line and online: notebooks, journals, post its, blog, twitter, facebook. etc., each of them serving me for entirely different purposes.  The wider the reach of the medium, the lesser information I share.  Facebook is more for posturing of an image I want to project before the general public.  Twitter is for my personal and instant random musings (my account is not disclosed to the public).  And then I have this blog, kinda sorta open for the public… that is if you happen to stumble upon it.

Whilst I say to myself that it is more about being written than being read, a part of me wants to be heard as well.  This is why I keep this blog.  It is like writing a message in a bottle and throwing it in the sea, in hopes that someone out there can catch my message and hear my gentle whisper for help.  I do not expect a kind of help that will fix myself and my situation. The kind of help that I wish to expect is having the consolation that I am being heard. That’s it.

When I first launched my blog I was so excited I announced it to my close friends and gave them the link. Eventually most I lost the following of my close friends, but instead gained a “following” of some complete strangers (mostly fellow bloggers).  Not everyone knows about my blog. If they do, most of them have forgotten about it.  And I do not intend to tell anyone about this anymore.   

This way I am free to write whatever I want, within my heart’s content, to the point of getting too personal and too deep about myself and the situation I am in.  But why make it online then?  It all goes back to my cry for help, having a need to somehow be heard by someone without fear of judgement.  It is easier to confide to a strange public than wash my dirty linens in front of someone who knows me personally.  This way, I can still walk along the city streets with my mask on, keeping my pride and confidence still intact. This is my form of therapy.

Recently, an idea struck on me to make a sideline job out of writing, whereby I can write and get paid for it.  Why not?  I have been toying around with this idea but some things are just holding me back.  First, I write for the love of it.  Making a “career” out of it may steal the fun from it and will most likely impose pressure on me instead to write because I have to.  Second, I wonder what kind of writer shall I be?  Will I be good enough to draw a massive following of readers?  Third, what shall I write about anyway?  I only write from the heart and I am mostly driven by the tides of my emotions.  I am not expert of something to command authority over a certain topic.

I do not know.  I am now just running away with my thoughts right now, trying to sort it out. Building nothing concrete. Maybe I am over thinking a little bit.  Yeah, I tend to do this most of the time.  I should learn to let go and take things as they are, come what may.  Am I making any sense or what?  Nah, I am just probably ... bored.

Above all this, one thing for sure is that I am happy and content to have this avenue where I can vent my heart out before an open public of strangers, without fear of prejudice and judgement.  I know I am just a small dot in the whole gamut of things and that I do not have strong loyal following, but it’s all right.  Just having a space of my own, a place I can call mine in this worldwide web is enough for me.

This is my humble nook, my pink patio, providing a window into the world as I see it.  As I journey through life, some doors may be opened, some doors may be closed, but this window will always be open.  Welcome to my world.  Welcome to my soul. Welcome to the inner me.