Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Life is Beautiful, And So Am I

I sometimes deliberately avoid being on my own, because my mask falls of behind closed doors  and I am confronted with my melancholic self.  But then I realized, that if I carry on with this mindset, I will be eternally frustrated.  After all, I can never escape from myself, can I?  People may come and go, but I remain with myself.  I discovered that I can either be my own worst enemy or my own best friend.  The choice is up to me.  Obviously, I want to be happy and I do not want to continue with this endless war against my very own self.

And so in my solitude, I took considerate time to go on a journey of self discovery and revisiting myself.  I looked at the mirror. Who is this girl I see, staring back at me? I looked deep and straight to her eyes, until I saw her soul. 

I used to be so insecure about my looks to the point that I could not look at myself in the mirror. I remember walking through the malls or shopping centre where there are flashy mirrors all around, I would avoid looking at them, because I cringed by just looking at my own reflection. I hated how I look from head to toe. I was chubby, short, with pimples all over my face, etc... .  I never considered myself as part of the "pretty girls" group.  

The journey was long and winding but it led me to a slow and beautiful transformation, much more so in the inside, beyond skin deep.  Now, I know better.  I believe I am created in the image and likeness of God.  And everything God creates is beautiful.   And so I accept, love and embrace myself (fats, cellulites, pimples and all!).  

Well, admittedly I may still have my moments now and then, but I am learning to fight it.  My appearance is just a fragment of my whole being.  I am more than just the number on the scales, I am more than the wrinkles on my face.  I am more than what meets the eyes.  

I am full of meaning, purpose, and potential.  I create every moment.  Possibilities are endless. I have it in me, and it is up to me to make it real.  I choose not to be defined by the size of my body, nor the weight on the scales.  I choose to be defined by the size of my heart and the weight of my words.

Nevertheless, this should not be taken as an excuse for me to let loose to eat what I want and do as I please any time and anyhow. Note that there is a striking difference between self love and narcissism, of loving myself and of being selfish. Part of loving myself is taking full responsibility of myself and taking care of myself by choosing the right and healthy choices. And these right and healthy choices may mean giving up momentary pleasures that give instant gratification, but temporary relief.  These right and healthy choices may mean going after the more difficult decisions.  It may feel hard and bitter for now, but its fruit in the long run is sweet and everlasting. Part of self love is self discipline (which may sometimes entail self sacrifice), in all aspects of life not only physically, but financially, emotionally, socially, and spiritually as well. 

As the journey continues, I have to be patient with myself.  I pick up and learn from my mistakes. At the same time, I hone and develop my achievements.  I am a work in progress.  What I am and the person I am creating out of myself is my gift to the world. And more importantly, it is my tribute to God, to Him who created me.