Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Surprise

I arrived at work with a sweet pleasant surprise.  I love surprises and it does not take a lot to surprise me actually.  An office mate left this note posted on my desk.

My office mate who left that note explained that after our yesterday's chat about my fears of getting in to another relationship and accepting a possible fact of singlehood, she was a bit worried.  She said that I have a very nurturing  heart that has lots of love to give.  It would be very difficult for her to accept that I would lock up myself to my own. It will be the loss of mankind, she said.  

That was the sweetest surprise for the day.

Yes, she is right.  I am sweet and beautiful. I won't argue with that. Hahaha. But seriously, the thought of being able to love again would be good.  However, this is not my main agenda for now. 

My priority is to take care of myself, heal my heart and build a better version of me.  I have deep rooted issues and insecurities to uproot. I need to be the right person first, before I expect to meet the right one for me.  I do not know how long this will take, but I am taking things one step at a time.  I do not want to pressure myself, more so circumvent the healing process.  

Some things take time.  Seasons take time. The metamorphosis from caterpillar to a butterfly takes time.  The process may be slow, but the transformation is steady.  Forcing the cocoon to open when it is still not its time will not make a pretty butterfly, and may even kill it.

Yes love may operate in the same manner. Sorry guys, I am not putting myself up for grabs in the dating market... Well, at least not for now.

But then again come to think of it, I could not argue that sometimes love has its own timeline and may well take you by surprise.  After all, there are exemptions to the rule.  Not everything in life fits in to a template (like what I always would like to do).  While I say that I hold no expectation to find love anytime soon, I also leave that tiny space of possibility to be surprised by it. Remember, the best surprise in life comes when you least expect it the most.

Who knows what could be waiting for me in the next corner?  Like I said, no expectations.    I take each moment at face value and yes, just allow myself to be surprised... Come what may.   I am not ready for what's ahead.  But I sure am excited. Whatever will be, will be. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Tipping Point

"The tipping point is the critical point in an evolving situation that leads to a new and irreversible development."

My tipping point happened over a week ago, one Sunday afternoon.  I spoke to a friend who shared with me that she just broke up with her husband of seven years.  When I heard the news, I cried.  Stories of other people's separation and divorce breaks my heart.  I can somehow empathize and I feel the crushing pain they must be going through.

But then this friend told me, "Honey, please don't cry.  You are crying more than I did.  Actually I feel relieved that it is over.  I am actually happier now."

When she said that, my tear glands froze.  I felt a bucketload of ice cubes poured over me.  This was my wake up call.

I saw happiness in her eyes as she told me those words.  It made me realize, could it be possible that "M" could be feeling that way too?  Relief.  How else?  Otherwise, he would have not left, he would have stayed and fought for us.  

Whilst I am thankful that he is happy, I felt shame and embarrassment for myself too. More than feeling embarrassed by knowing the fact that here I am yearning for a loose balloon, I feel more embarrassed for hindering that balloon to fly even higher in the sky.  If it wants to fly away, let it.

It made me realize as well, how I have been trying to fight so hard to prove and convince my two previous relationships that I am the right woman for them, and that I am willing to do what it takes to make "us" work...  I am tired of this.

If it is meant to be, it will be.  I do not have to sacrifice my dignity, for my destiny.  I want to be with someone who actually wants to be with me, someone who is not afraid to face the challenges with me, someone who is willing to go through the inconveniences in life just to be with me, someone who is willing to fight with me amidst life's difficult realities.  Because that someone sees my value and knows that I am far more worth than those challenges, inconveniences and difficulties. 

I want him to want me because he wants to, and not because I wanted him to. I do not have to do anything to convince him and prove myself to him, because he himself is convinced that I am "The One" for him. To him, I am not just an option, I am "The Choice". He sees my uniqueness, appreciates it and knows that there is no other woman like me.  And he will do whatever it takes to be with me.  He will pursue me.  He has to. Oh, I have to ensure that he will.  I can't sell myself too cheaply.   I want to see how much price he is willing to pay, just to be with me. I cannot promise that it will be easy,  but I promise to do my best to make it worthwhile.

Apparently, I am a great catch (saying it with confidence and conviction) ... So catch me if you can!!! ...

At the Love's Highway

It has been a while since I blogged.  I made a deliberate and conscious decision to take a break from blogging, but more so on taking a break from thinking. Every time I try to write, the thoughts of him still keep on haunting me.  I don’t want to encourage myself from thinking about these thoughts anymore. And so mid-way through my attempts in writing, I stop.

I think that I am gifted with such beautiful but overactive mind, so much so that it continues to think non-stop even in my sleep.  I do not want to feed Mocking Bird, nor encourage Bluebird to get out of her cage. And I guess the only way to contain this is by subjecting my mind in to silence.

The sound of silence... Deep serenity… Embracing the moment for what it really is and letting go of the things that should have been, but is not anymore ... Inhaling the current realities without rejection… Accepting things as they are, without judgement nor any expectations.

I have to admit it was quite difficult at the start.  But I have to.  I am stronger than this, I am bigger than my emotions.  I shall overcome.   

Now in silence, I am beginning to allow myself to see things in a different perspective.  Instead of using my tears to block my vision of the future, I used my tears to wash away the hurt and the pain of the past.  Then I remembered my mother’s advice to me before.  It did not sink in to me at that time because I was deafened by the sound of my wailing cries.  But now, in silence, its message echoes through:

“Sometimes love is like a truck.  It just hits you out of nowhere and suddenly you find yourself with your face flat on the ground with bruises all around.  But as long as you are still alive, get up, stand up and keep on walking. Do not be defeated.”

I am now slowly digesting the current realities, one bite size at a time, taking each day as it is, moment by moment.

Now, I am getting ready for change.   I am dusting the dirt of my face and slowly arise from this pit.  I wipe off the bruises on my heart and put my lipstick on.   

I am afraid but I will be brave.  One step closer… to the love that treats me right and is rightfully mine…  Someday I will be loved.  Someday, I will find that man who will hit me hard like a truck but picks me up from the dirt, and takes me for a fun and wild ride inside his truck.  And that will be a ride for a lovetime, a ride for a lifetime… Someday…

In the meantime, I now stand still along love’s highway and wait …in silence.


Dear Heavenly Father, put the traffic lights on.  Hold my hand as I continue with my journey.  Let me cross the highway of love when I am ready to do so.  Do not let go of my hand, and help me obey Your love traffic rules.  Keep me from harm.   And most importantly, will you please lead my future truck driver safely to me and guide him on how to bring me to his front passenger seat.  And in Your time, when we find each other, may you continue to be with us and bless our journey to last a lifetime of love and happiness.  Amen.