Wednesday, October 17, 2012

At the Love's Highway

It has been a while since I blogged.  I made a deliberate and conscious decision to take a break from blogging, but more so on taking a break from thinking. Every time I try to write, the thoughts of him still keep on haunting me.  I don’t want to encourage myself from thinking about these thoughts anymore. And so mid-way through my attempts in writing, I stop.

I think that I am gifted with such beautiful but overactive mind, so much so that it continues to think non-stop even in my sleep.  I do not want to feed Mocking Bird, nor encourage Bluebird to get out of her cage. And I guess the only way to contain this is by subjecting my mind in to silence.

The sound of silence... Deep serenity… Embracing the moment for what it really is and letting go of the things that should have been, but is not anymore ... Inhaling the current realities without rejection… Accepting things as they are, without judgement nor any expectations.

I have to admit it was quite difficult at the start.  But I have to.  I am stronger than this, I am bigger than my emotions.  I shall overcome.   

Now in silence, I am beginning to allow myself to see things in a different perspective.  Instead of using my tears to block my vision of the future, I used my tears to wash away the hurt and the pain of the past.  Then I remembered my mother’s advice to me before.  It did not sink in to me at that time because I was deafened by the sound of my wailing cries.  But now, in silence, its message echoes through:

“Sometimes love is like a truck.  It just hits you out of nowhere and suddenly you find yourself with your face flat on the ground with bruises all around.  But as long as you are still alive, get up, stand up and keep on walking. Do not be defeated.”

I am now slowly digesting the current realities, one bite size at a time, taking each day as it is, moment by moment.

Now, I am getting ready for change.   I am dusting the dirt of my face and slowly arise from this pit.  I wipe off the bruises on my heart and put my lipstick on.   

I am afraid but I will be brave.  One step closer… to the love that treats me right and is rightfully mine…  Someday I will be loved.  Someday, I will find that man who will hit me hard like a truck but picks me up from the dirt, and takes me for a fun and wild ride inside his truck.  And that will be a ride for a lovetime, a ride for a lifetime… Someday…

In the meantime, I now stand still along love’s highway and wait …in silence.


Dear Heavenly Father, put the traffic lights on.  Hold my hand as I continue with my journey.  Let me cross the highway of love when I am ready to do so.  Do not let go of my hand, and help me obey Your love traffic rules.  Keep me from harm.   And most importantly, will you please lead my future truck driver safely to me and guide him on how to bring me to his front passenger seat.  And in Your time, when we find each other, may you continue to be with us and bless our journey to last a lifetime of love and happiness.  Amen.