Saturday, November 03, 2012

The Preview

Funny how a seemingly insignificant incident can turn someone’s situation around for a lifetime; and how a simple gesture of kindness can touch someone’s life for good.

This story happened to me.  I consider myself lucky enough to experience a situation-altering incident of which I am the fortunate recipient of someone’s random kind gesture.

For the past seven months since the break up, crying has been one of my favourite past times. Anything sad is enough to bring me to tears.  I guess, I’m just looking for reasons to cry. Friends tease me that I have such overactive tear glands.  In fact, Bestie has re-named me to “Cryanne” and composed a limerick for me: “Cryanne, Cryanne, why are you still cryin?”

Weekends are pretty tough for me, because I get a break from work and I am left all day long with my own musings to think about the beautiful and happy memories of the good old days, what could have been and what we might be doing now if we were still together, etc, etc…  This particular weekend was one of the toughest.  Bestie was interstate. I was on my own.  To top it off, I just received a rejection letter from the dream job that I was applying for.   Adding more drama to the equation was the gray cloudy and chilly air.  It is supposed to be springtime already – but it felt more like winter. 

I had my Friday night well laid out.  I intended to go home straight from work, call it an early night, dash under the bedcover and have a self-pity party.  However a random invite from an acquaintance prevented all that from happening.  He casually invited me for coffee after work.  And without thinking, I agreed to it.  I don’t know why, but I just did and I did not even pause to think.  It was a spur of the moment thing and I was just equally responding to spontaneity.  Maybe I was sad.  Maybe I was feeling lonely.  Maybe I was vulnerable.  I could come up with a thousand list but all maybe’s.  One thing for sure, he was at the right time, at the right moment.  He was there when I needed someone, even without him knowing it.

I did not expect anything much from that coffee invite.  I even did not question his motives.  I was just too immersed with my own issues. He provided me with the escape that I needed.  Upon reaching the coffee place, much to our surprise, his brother and his mother was there.  And so we had to sit with them.  His brother was pleasant and his mother was oh so lovely.  We had our introductions and exchanged a few stories to amuse ourselves.  It was fun talking to them.  I did not feel awkward nor self-conscious. I felt no malice at all and it seemed like I was talking to good trusted friends.

I went home that night with a smile.  I went home pretty late that after I donned on to my jammies and said my night prayers, I immediately fell asleep.  Self-pity party no more.  Yes, that is him.  He wiped my tears before they could even fall.  I consider him my angel.

The next days were followed by consistent and subsequent exchange of text messages and a couple of dinners together.  The most memorable for me was when he surprised me again for a barbecue dinner at his parent’s place.  His family was very sweet and hospitable.  They all gave me such a warm welcome, everyone of them including their adorable three pet dogs.  His mother was very sweet and accommodating, while his father was funny and entertaining.  I really felt like I was a guest of honor.  Having dinner with them reminds me of my dinnertime back home.  And yes, I really felt very much at home.

Suddenly, without me knowing it, I felt my heart was slowly drawing closer to him.   Damn!  This is not part of my plan to open my heart and be vulnerable again.  But I am.. slowly.  But wait, this should not be.  I do not know him too well just yet.  We have just been with each other’s company – as friends - for like just almost a month. So soon….  Who’s to say that what I am feeling is real?    What if I make another mistake? Oh no, I cannot afford to make another mistake!!!

I tried to hide my panic attacks before him.  I managed to wear my cool, calm and confident mask whenever I was with him. But deep inside I was afraid and confused.  I did not know what to do.  And so I prayed.  I prayed to God for His protection and for God to please give me a sign.  If he is the man for me, he will pursue me even further.  If not, then God will make a way to make him stop.  Make him stop, before I fall for him even more and before it will hurt me too much the point that I can no longer bear it.   I surrendered the situation to Him and claimed His will to move in to our situation.  Not my will, but His be done.

I prayed… And God listened.

Days went by.  Our planned dinners and outings one by one got cancelled.  So many distractions came up which prevented us from going out.  He was getting busier and busier with work, whilst he had some family emergencies as well.  Slowly his text messages were becoming less and less…Clearly, he must be under a lot of stress.  I definitely do not want to add to that pressure. I tried to suss out more information about how he is coping amidst all these issues.  In return, I only receive one-liner text messages. Until one day, two days, three days…his messages stopped coming.

At this stage, I think the greatest help and support that I can give him is his space.  And so I stepped aside.  I am confident that I have given him enough reassurance to let him know that even in silence I remain a friend, and that if he needs one (maybe not now but perhaps in the future), and when he is ready – he knows where to find me. 

Of course, a part of me wants to know the reason why.  A part of me wants to understand what’s going on.  Did I say something wrong?  Was it something that I did?  Maybe I was becoming boring for him?... Typically, this situation would call for me to grab my trench coat and magnifying glass, and start my detective work.  That was the old me.    The new me now choose not to seek the answer anymore. I choose accept the situation at face value and I do not want to think any possible underlying factors anymore.  I choose to embrace the situation as it is, with no expectations, no judgement, no assumptions.  It is what it is.  Period.

I survived far deeper heartaches in the past to make this situation break me.  My bluebird heart has endured so many battle scars to let this situation pierce me.  This brings me to another revelation of myself… Hey, I am stronger now!  No more tears.  No more dramas.

My confidence is anchored on my prayers.  I go back to my prayer and the request that I asked for. I am confident God has heard my prayers.  I claim God’s will and receive His blessings including the ones in disguise, albeit painful and mysterious disguise.  I think I did my part already, the best that I could.  The rest, I leave it all up to God. 

Things happen for a reason.  Who am I to accuse him with anything.  I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.  I just hope he is coping fine.  Nevertheless, for all it’s worth I still am glad to have met him and spent time with him.  Within our few weeks together, he has taught me a lot about myself and my past relationships. More importantly, he has given me the gift of possibility.  For so long a time, I never imagined myself to be able to open my heart anew to some other guy.  I thought I already locked the chambers of my heart and threw the key at the bottom of the deep blue ocean.  He has shown me that given the right man, the right timing, the right opportunity, and the right moves, this dear old achey breaky heart can still after all dare to find itself opening anew.  Yes, it is possible.

Without him, I may have never realized this.  Yes that is him.  He taught me a brand new lesson.  I consider him to be my teacher… Probably his role was just to teach and nothing more.  And now after successfully doing his part, the time is ripe for him to leave.  Sad, isn’t it. But I accept that.  I have suffered enough heartbreak already to remind me that if things are meant to be, they will be… naturally... eventually. On the contrary, if they are not meant to be, they never will be.  And the more I try to force the issue, the more that it will only hurt me in the end.  And so I let it be.

I focus now on the present and remain an attitude of gratitude.  I thank him for the gift of possibility.  Indeed, he had a pivotal role in helping me turn my situation around and gave me a shift of a brand new perspective.  He has shown me a new feature of myself that I never imagined I was capable of being able to do – and that is to open my heart anew. 

He may or may not be that man, but one thing for sure, he was the one who provided the key.  He has provided me with a preview of what is to come ahead, now that I have started to open myself to any possibilities.

As for him, I hope he is coping well with his situation.  Will I ever hear from him again?  I don’t know.  But I am not expecting, I am not assuming, I am not anticipating.  If he does, oh the joy to be reunited with a long hibernating friend!  If not, then I sincerely wish him all the best.  I still consider him my friend at a season, for a reason that has marked an imprint my lifetime.  For this, I am ever so grateful.... And someday, someone is going to thank him as well for taking good care of me while he is still finding his way to me, and for paving the way in preparation for his future coming. :)  

At the same time, I also hope that I too, was able to accomplish whatever role I was supposed to fulfil in his life.  I can only wish.  It is his journey, not mine.  Good luck to you my friend, and thank you for everything.  I once prayed to God to give me someone who can help me in my situation.  And God gave me you.  Thank you.